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GAC
09-10-2005, 09:08 AM
Tennessee Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Tennessee all his life,an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picked up a mirror for the very first time and looked into it. Not knowing what the mirror was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father, so he hung the mirror in the barn. Every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly hussy he's runnin' around with!
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The Blonde Jokes

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.

It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled
vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the
cop... And she said.... "Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.



Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in
movie? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."


Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was
Chinese.

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the
escalators for over four hours.

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The
roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! -- You need to roll up
the windows first."


A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while
covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was
which -- that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag
with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked
her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about
getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire
frames.

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver
thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it
over to the clerk to ask what it was. -- The clerk said, "That's a
thermos . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she
bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked. "Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee."
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A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon of corn on the road.
A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to
have a look and found the
boy trying to right the tipped wagon.
"Hey Willie," the farmer said. "Forget
your troubles for a spell its late, come have dinner
with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."
"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't
like that," Willie replied.
"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the
farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed.
"But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty meal, Willie thanked the
farmer. "I feel a lotbetter now, but I just know that
Pa will be upset."
"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is
your pa anyway?"
"Under the wagon."
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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going

to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

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This one's for ED!!!! (whom we haven't heard from in awhile)

Alex was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in
the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One
night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football
game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the
TV.

"Hey," Alex shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"

"Iím sick of sports, Iím sick of TV," she replied. "You
havenít touched me in months. Weíre going to talk about sex right now!"

"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you
think Brett Favre gets laid?"

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DINNER CONVERSATION GONE WRONG...


WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"

HUSBAND: "I guess so."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's lef! t-handed."

WIFE: - - silence - - -

HUSBAND: "Sh*t"

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Tips For A Happy Marriage


1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas

3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always".

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"