View Full Version : Bad sex in fiction awards

Chip R
12-14-2004, 01:18 PM
And the winner is none other than Tom Wolfe.


Author Lacks 'The Right Stuff' to Describe Sex?

By Gideon Long

LONDON (Reuters) - American author and journalist Tom Wolfe won one of the world's most dreaded literary accolades on Monday -- the British prize for bad sex in fiction.

The prize is awarded each year "to draw attention to the crude, tasteless, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel."

Wolfe won it for a couple of purple passages from his latest novel "I am Charlotte Simmons," a tale of campus life at an exclusive U.S. university.

"Slither slither slither slither went the tongue," one of his winning sentences begins.

"But the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns -- oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest -- no, the hand was cupping her entire right -- Now!"

Judges described Wolfe's prose as "ghastly and boring."

The former Washington Post correspondent, whose debut novel "Bonfire of the Vanities" was a defining text of the 1980s, fought off stiff competition from 10 other authors including South African Andre Brink, whose novel "Before I Forget" contains the following description of a woman's vulva:

"(It was) like a large exotic mushroom in the fork of a tree, a little pleasure dome if ever I've seen one, where Alph the sacred river ran down to a tideless sea. No, not tideless. Her tides were convulsive, an ebb and flow that could take you very far, far back, before hurling you out, wildly and triumphantly, on a ribbed and windswept beach without end."

Another writer who only narrowly escaped the prize was Britain's Nadeem Aslam for his novel "Maps for Lost Lovers" a tale of life in a Muslim community in an English town.

"His mouth looked for the oiled berry," one of his raunchiest passages starts.

"The smell of his armpits was on her shoulders -- a flower depositing pollen on a hummingbird's forehead," another reads.

The winner of the award, organized by the London-based Literary Review, is given an Oscar-style statuette and a bottle of champagne -- but only if he or she comes to the awards ceremony in person.

Organizers said Wolfe, who is based in New York, was the first writer in the 12-year history of the competition to decline his invitation.

12-14-2004, 02:27 PM
:dflynn: ;)

Roy Tucker
12-14-2004, 02:51 PM
Attracting a Mate

The male penguin's problem is: how can you stand out when you're surrounded by tens of thousands of almost identical-looking animals? How do you keep from looking like just another big, clumsy, dickless, flightless bird in a tux?

Well, you could try the Ecstatic Display. Approach a group of females, stand up tall and take several deep breaths, pumping your chest in and out. Then arch your flippers back and make a loud, harsh braying sound. This should get their attention.


Once you've picked out a potential mate, do a droll little waddle while making comical head movements from side to side — females find this irresistibly attractive. Don't be put off if she ignores you and begins grooming herself or observing her surroundings; she's just playing hard-to-get. Sidle up to her and walk around in a circle so she can see your fine black dinner jacket, your starched white shirt, your plump stout body and its comparatively tiny little head.

Next, offer your prospective female a well-chosen pebble, preferably a shiny, multi-faceted one costing a wing and a flipper. If she accepts this as a token of your affection, the match is on. (If not, you may have picked an unready female or even another male, a common mistake.)

After enjoying a brisk cold-water swim or tobogganing together through the snow, it's time to eat. Walk several hundred miles for sushi and bring some back for your lover. During dinner, look deeply into her tiny eyes. Notice the curve of her beak, the smell of fish on her breath. If you really want to make her feel like your "baby," try throwing up in her mouth.

Make occasional loud cackling sounds while slapping your flippers against your side. Then, arching your back and stretching upwards, bring your heads together in a Mutual Trumpeting Display so everyone will realize what an adorable couple you are.


Now head back to the nest for a wild night of hugging and beak-rubbing. Turn on the air conditioner, set the thermostat to 40° below zero and push the button marked "hurricane force winds." Begin by preening around your mate's neck and beak. If she reciprocates, this is called the "kiss preen." When the two of you just can't stand how cute you are, break out in a Loud Mutual Display, waving your necks back and forth while cackling affectionately.

Finally, off with the formal wear — it's time to attempt a copulation! Approach her from behind, gently beating your wings against her sides while rubbing your neck against hers. Then rub her stomach while patting her head. If you're doing it right, she will turn her head so your bills make contact. Now’s your chance. Mount her from behind and perform the Cloacal Kiss. Try not to roll off!


Stand out in the cold for two months balancing an egg on your feet.

12-14-2004, 03:47 PM
When are the Good Sex awards given out?

Considering I wrote the book in the non-fiction area... I am waiting for my prize!

:allovrjr: :mhcky21: :p:

12-14-2004, 03:51 PM
The Wolfe book was pretty crappy.