View Full Version : DanO's Day at the Office

01-04-2006, 12:41 PM
It's always fun to lampoon a person that you're totally frustrated with. Bosses, ex-wives, leaders in the government....and sucky GM's ;)

So, we have the first post in a day at the office with Dan O'Brien. Feel free to join in until we cross the line of excessive criticism of one individual :evil: Some names and faces have been changed to protect the guilty :p:

Of course, the first order of business in any work day is to do a google search for critical office supplies


Check out these beauties. DanO has decided that he will make a decision by Wednesday on whether or not to get these binders or to ask Dean Taylor to research the matter. It is now 5:32 A.M.

01-04-2006, 12:49 PM
Time for a well-deserved coffee break. DanO heads down to the kitchen, but rather than using some new, unproven coffee grounds in the coffee machine, he digs out the previous days' discarded grounds and uses them instead. When asked why, he praised yesterday's grounds as providing a "solid dose of caffeine" and said that they "knew how to make a good cup of coffee."

Fellow Reds employees begin backing away very slowly towards the door...

01-04-2006, 12:53 PM
DanO gets back to the office and calls up Robert Castellini. When Castellini voice mail answers O'Brien says, "Hi Bob, I was just sitting here and looking at your picture and wondering what you're thinking right now. I hope you're having a great morning. Mine's been super. We've got the best coffee here."

01-04-2006, 12:54 PM
Dan O'Brien's approach to building a baseball team.

01-04-2006, 01:00 PM
And it's now 5:45 A.M.

01-04-2006, 01:01 PM
Don't forget...at officedepot.com, there is FREE Shipping with any order of $25 or MORE. So, to "save costs" - he also orders File Folders to keep the "pictures" in. After saving the $$, he ups the Aurilia contract.

01-04-2006, 01:03 PM
The first trade of the day is completed as DanO sets his empty coffee cup down next to the bathroom sink and washes his hands. ;)

01-04-2006, 01:04 PM
Dano sends Uncle Bob a copy of his favorite book "101 Ways to Improve Your Organization With Binders".

01-04-2006, 01:06 PM
5:46 A.M.

Calls Dean Taylor, informs him that he is delegating the binder purchase decision to him, needs a feasibility study done, including but not limited to color combinations, large rings or small rings availability, pockets or no pockets, necessity of plastic label holder on side, and slide ring openers vs. push button ring openers. Cost is secondary consideration, just want to make sure the right binders are obtained.

01-04-2006, 01:09 PM
DanO calls Brad Kullman, BK does not answer. DanO opens his binder with the pictures of everyones Wednesday shoes and heads to the bathroom to see if he can locate him.

01-04-2006, 01:10 PM
5:52 AM: Feasibility study comes back, showing that red, large-ring, pocketed, slide-opening folders would be an ideal fit for the club.

DanO ponders this piece of information for a moment, then immediately logs onto the Office Depot website and orders blue, small-ring, pocketless, push-button opening binders.

Satisfied with his intuitive and "unconventional" decision, he plays a quick game of computer solitaire, and loses.

01-04-2006, 01:12 PM
6:00 AM

Conference call with Mr. Allen. Wants to let him know that it was not the Crown Royal talking at the New Year's Eve Party and that he really wanted to seek league approval to consider all fair balls hit into the seats as ground rule doubles rather than just ones that bounce into them to address problems with the rotation. Also, that when the fans throw the ball back on the field, a play can be made on the runner at second. Of course, any balls actually hit out of the park will be home runs, so Dunn and Pena need to be considered for LTCs pending word from the league office.

01-04-2006, 01:23 PM
6:12 AM

Seems like DanO forgot one important element in preparing coffee using veteran grounds....



Johnny Footstool
01-04-2006, 01:29 PM
6:15 AM

The strains of Barry Manilow's "I Write the Songs" emanate from DanO's cell phone; it's Royals GM Allard Baird calling. He offers a package deal of LH reliever Jeremy Affeldt and newly-signed infielder Mark Grudzeilanek for Adam Dunn. DanO contemplates the deal for a few long, silent moments, then reluctantly declines, saying he doesn't want Grudzeilanek to steal playing time from Tony Womack.

01-04-2006, 01:35 PM
6:15:20 AM

Dean Taylor sends an email to DanO with a panicked tone. Apparently, word has leaked about the morning's binder purchase and the impact was both immediate and dramatic.

The Los Angeles Dodgers have informed Dean Taylor that they have located 6,000 Blue "D-Ring" binders that were found in the trunk of Tommy Lasorda's Grand Prix. While Tommy was terminated for office theft post haste, the Dodgers seem to be anxious to see what the market might yield for these binders that are "proven and with veteran office experience." DanO instructs Dean Taylor to offer nothing more than Homer Bailey and $50,000 to acquire these "once in a lifetime" office supplies.

DanO composes memo to Castellini about the feasibility study regarding a name change for the organization: Cincinnati Blueballers

01-04-2006, 01:40 PM
6:15:30 AM

DanO receives phone call from pending boss wanting him to know that he doesn't appreciate his sense of humor. Something to do with an e-Holidays Card with the message "Lettuce Head into the New Year with a new outlook"


01-04-2006, 01:47 PM
6:19:30 AM Dan takes a moment to reflect on his days at Ohio University when he had a radio show aptly titled, "The Many Moods of Pat Boone" after returning from his thoughts he decides to call and see how Mike Lansing is doing.

01-04-2006, 01:50 PM
6:25 AM

Mike Lansing's wife answers the home phone and reminds DanO that he is in clear violation of the EPO that was taken out as protection by the Lansing family after "the cabin incident" last summer.

01-04-2006, 01:55 PM
DanO returns briefly to his Pat Boone thoughts, and decides that he didn't much care for Boone's "Metal Mood" at all.


01-04-2006, 02:25 PM
6:30 AM DanO pulls out two binders--lunch menus and 40 man roster.

Puts back lunch menu binder, too many choices, decides he just will not eat rather than possibly choose the wrong restaurant.

Opens 40 man roster binder, pencils in Rich "the Presence" Aurilia on depth chart at second, short and third base, hoping to get to Sharpie in his name in Cincinnati Reds red by Sunday, but he will not rush Rich and Barry on this decision, knowing that there are many factors to consider in such a momentous decision, some of which are more likely to come to pass than others, others with a lower probability of occurring, but nonetheless, he understands the nature of grueling decisions like this better than anybody. Also, DanO ignores belly growl figuring that the noise and pain of hunger will fix itself.

01-04-2006, 02:56 PM
6:30 AM Also, DanO ignores belly growl figuring that the noise and pain of hunger will fix itself.


To help solve this problem, he stands pat and eats a granola bar he found in his desk. It is one that he brought with him from Texas a while ago, that he bought himself, instead of a great Twix bar. The date is questionable, but figures it is a professionally made product. He feels the granola bar was probably unhappy with his role in DanO's diet, but he quickly forgets about all of that.

A crumb falls on to his binder, in a panic, he searches for Kullman not knowing what to do.

01-04-2006, 03:05 PM
6:45 AM

DanO thinks, "My goodness, the day is just flying by. I've been so productive today that I didn't even realize that it was nearly 7 AM." He calls the ticket office for an update on Opening Day ticket sales, then angrily sends off an email to the department supervisor wanting to know why no one is in the ticket office when it says that you can purchase tickets 24/7 on the team's official website.

01-04-2006, 03:48 PM
8:15 AM

DanO screams for Dean Taylor from the executive washroom stall. Apparently, the digestive process involving his recently acquired Granola bar begins to have a counter productive effect on DanO's system.

DanO: "Oh, Dean...Thank heavens you were able to seek out my plaintiff cries for...."

Dean: "Seek out? It sounded like a twelve year old girl caught her hair on fire in here. I was just coming in to see if I could help the little darling out by dousing the flames with this can of Diet Shasta from the break room."

DanO: "Affirmative. Well, it's a quandry alright. Perhaps, it is a simple matter of a slight imbalance in my carefully prescribed "fiber ratio" (see: Exhibit A). On the other hand, maybe that Granola bar I acquired from John Schuerholz had some pre-existing quality control issues that were not fully known to me prior to consumption."

Dean: "Whew--speaking of things on fire...I'm think I'm gonna go get a match."

DanO: "I concur. However, while you go past my desk, I would ask that you please take the remaining portions of the subject Granola bar and see that they be forwarded to this address for further evaluation:

Dr. James Andrews
Birmingham, AL

Run, Dean....run as though the wind was beneath..."

Dean: "Please don't say 'wind' in here"

01-04-2006, 04:05 PM
Because Blimpie left us with un-accounted for time...

6:46 AM- Paints eyes on his eyelids.
6:47-8:14 AM- Naps.

8:30 AM

Pulls Eric Milton contract out of file cabinet. Stares at it. Mutters "Bounceback...bounceback...bounceback..." over and over.

01-04-2006, 04:11 PM
8:31 AM

DanO calls the Enquirer and asks for Tim Sullivan's desk, apparently wanting to repair the breach between the Cincinnati media and the GM's office. As a teaser, he tells the receptionist that he has some pictures involving a dog, two BenGals, and Nick Lachey in addition to some "inside the Front Office" type stuff.
The receptionist gives him the prankster treatment, which involves sending the caller into an endless "press 1 for the Enquirer, press 2 for the Post" phone menu loop.

01-04-2006, 04:16 PM

Between 6:46-6:47, DanO's browser history shows the following link


Always the innovator, that DanO

01-04-2006, 04:32 PM
8:43 AM

DanO refers to binder appendix SEC for instructions on how to remove painted eyelids. Upon seeing section removed, Dan quickly phones John Allen for cost saving fake eye removal services.

01-04-2006, 04:44 PM
8:45 AM

Feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world, DanO hits speed dial button number 2, also known as "The Reds Phone" in Atlanta, Georgia. Getting a little nervous about his own prospect at 3b and with only two other possible backups (pending converting Aurilia from pencil to Sharpie), he hopes to talk to Schuerholz about Andy Marte. He's pretty sure he could get him for Harang and Lopez, but has his short list of prospects ready just in case that is not enough to even get an "I'm listening" from big John. He chuckles to himself as he thinks about how he got two pitchers for one pitcher last time they wheeled and dealed. He starts to feel a bit light-headed thinking back to his first time...

01-04-2006, 04:59 PM
9:17 AM after a long soak in the whirlpool with both binder and Narron (which left Narron visibly shaken) DanO head back to his office with word that the Mets have signed Bret Boone. Now that's a DP combo he mutters to himself. "Aurilia to Boone to Womack. Those guys know how to win! I wonder if a straight Lopez for Boone swap is doable for the Mets or would we have to kick in some cash?"

01-04-2006, 05:05 PM
9:18 AM Narron ponders the connection between a granola bar, screaming, and Dean Taylor after the whirlpool no longer bubbled when DanO left the tub

01-04-2006, 05:11 PM
10:22 AM

In preparation for the upcoming lunch, DanO narrows his choices to GoldStar, Skyline and White Castle while discounting LaRosa's completely. Wanting to discount the public perception that he is all about the binder, DanO has it's entire contents dumped to his Blackberry. All the power of a binder in a small inconspicuous device.

Settling on Skyline DanO ponders the new dilemna that faces him: 3-way, 4-way or 5-way?

01-04-2006, 05:23 PM
10:24 AM

DanO uses every ounce of guile in his body and manages to finagle Bret Boone's cell phone number from his agent. Tampering rules be damned--DanO forces himself to stray "outside the box" and decides that it would be prudent to gauge Bret's potential interest in returning to Cincinnati via a twelve player, seven team trade.

DanO: "Bret, this Dan O'Brien speaking....(silence)....

Bret: "Mmpht...What, what time is it?..(distinct sound of stomach acid entering his esophagus)

DanO: "Ahem...Uh, I'm the General Manager of the Cincinnati Reds. Just between we gents, our front office is aggressively pursuing your talent at this juncture of the offseason. We think having you as a key component in our veteran infield (with Aurilia and Womack) would be a win-win for all parties."

Bret: "Look man, I told you in the lounge that I didn't order two girls...just the red head..."

DanO: "Sure, I could see how that would be problematic. Any-who, I was just mentioning to Robert Castellini that we need more character types on this team. I mean, who among us has not seen the footage of your walk-off home run that sent the Yankees to the World Series a few years ago..."

Bret: "HEY...HEY, do you know who this is you are messin' with? I'll KILL you, man..."

DanO: "Okay then, I guess it sounds like your on board. Here's to seeing you in a Reds uniform in 2006!"

01-04-2006, 07:20 PM

After successfully reaching Bret Boone, DanO's on the move for some veteran righthanded precence in the bullpen. Dials up the Mexican League.

DanO - Is this Rich Garces?

Garces - (hungover) yyyyeahhhhh. Who's yelling in my ear.

DanO - This is DanO'Brien, general manager of the Cincinnati Reds. Spring Traning begins in a month in Florida and I'm calling to offer you a invite.

Garces - Is this you Tolbert?

DanO - Wha...who?

Garces - This isn't very frickin' funny. I'm hungover, I just devored a plate of tacos, beans, rice & salsa & I'm out of Maalox. If you were gonna pull this crap, at least you could have said you were from the Braves.

Silence -

DanO - Well, do you still want to come to Spring Training?

Garces - Well, do I have to work out?

DanO - uhh...yeah.

Garces - Well, no I'm not coming. (Slams reciever down)

DanO crosses his name off the list.

01-04-2006, 07:26 PM

DanO calls Garces back

DanO - Hey, Rich we really want you to come to play for us. You don't have to show up until opening day.

Garces - Isn't Cincinnati cold in April.

DanO - Well, it's not too bad...

Garces - Call my owner in the Mexi League.

(DanO dials up the owner of the Monterey Lobos of the Mexican International League)

Owner - Yo hable espanol?

DanO - I didn't know you guys spoke French?

Owner - Si!

DanO - We want Rich Garces for the Leagos Grandos

Owner - We want Willy Mo Pena

DanO - Deal.

DanO delves into the Cincinnati Bell Yellow Pages and wants to get Mexican delivered.

01-04-2006, 07:32 PM

DanO calls Dean Taylor over. Pays him $20 to call Lancaster to tip him off at Post about the Garces-Pena deal.

Taylor - Marc, I'm tipping you off-we just dealt for some veteran pitching.

Lancaster - Who?

Taylor - Rich Garces

Lancaster - For who?

Taylor - Willy Mo Pena

(Lancaster laughs uncontrollably)

Taylor - (hair raises on his necK) - Now, by golly, I'm serious. We made a deal Garces for Pena. Straight up - Now, you report it. (Slams phone down)

(Lancaster hangs up the phone, sighs deeply and places his head on the desk. He slowly begins banging his head against the desk, while daydreaming he's working the Los Angeles Angels beat next to former Post Employee Tony Jackson at the Los Angeles Daily News)

01-04-2006, 11:55 PM
A typical day for DanO

He comes in at least 15 minutes late, he uses the side door so nobody notices.

Once he gets to his desk he just spaces out for about an hour. You know, he just stares at his desk so it looks like he is working. He does it again after lunch.

In any given day he gets about 15 minutes of real work in.

01-05-2006, 08:35 AM
10:45 AM

DanO calls the Strat-O-Matic game company and wants to know why he has not yet received his computer game. Asks to talk to company owner Hal Richman after getting nowhere with the customer service clerk, who was not sympathetic to the customer's inability to evaluate his team's lineup using the software and perform various what-if scenarios to determine which players he will target for a trade. DanO refrains from using "Do you know who I am?" on aforementioned clerk, apparently not wanting to take the chance for a response of "Who?"

01-05-2006, 08:47 AM
11:15 AM

DanO finally hangs up after getting to speak to the Strat-O-Matic chief and gettting to tell him what he thought about Bobby Abreu's fielding rating, despite what Doug Glanville has to say about Gold Glovers and "1" ratings. He also debates Ken Griffey, Jr.'s "4" rating, arguing that he is one of the best in the game and deserves at least a "3" based on reputation. Hal disagrees and threatens to make a last second change to "5" for Griffey if DanO doesn't back off.

Finally the call turns jovial as both men get a huge laugh at the number of "N-HR" rolls that appear on Eric Milton's card. Hal reveals to DanO confidentially that for the first time he considered letting batters with weak power to get homers off the lefty's card based on the premise that anyone had at least some probability of getting a homer off him. Things get a little testy when Hal ends the call with "I don't know what kind of idiot would pay Milton $8M a year." DanO debates switching to OTP Baseball for his GMing needs.

01-05-2006, 12:27 PM
O'Brien contemplates trading Dunn to Goldstar for a bowl of Chili. Cancels deal when he discovers salted crackers are NOT included.

01-08-2006, 02:07 PM
11:16 AM to 10:23 PM

DanO finally calls it a day. The rest of the productive day was spent discussing the re-signing of Rich Aurilia. Adam Dunn's agent called twice, three different GMs sent emails, and the dish ran away with the spoon while he and Axlerod discussed escalators (the agent finally got through to DanO that he was talking about incentives and not the things carrying people from one level of the stadium to another) and playing time promises. No agreement was reached. But the KungPao was excellent.

01-08-2006, 02:18 PM
10:57 PM

DanO arrives home and cracks open a cold Yoo Hoo. The end of another productive day. Suddenly, he realizes he didn't bring his binder home with him.

Panic ensues, as he can't remember where he left it.

The drive back to the office was fraught with fear and wild thoughts. Who could have his precious? And what if they open it and read his journal?

The realization that his innermost thoughts and feelings might somehow end up on the internet drives him nearly crazy, and he wildly retraces his steps looking for the binder.

"What am I going to do?!?!" he wails.

01-08-2006, 03:23 PM
11:30 p.m.
taking a break from looking for his binders, Dan turns on his work computer again and searches eBay for another starting pitcher.
it is there he stumbles across some of his binders being sold by a dude named NarronRocks. O'Brien puts in a top bid of 5 million for each binder.

01-09-2006, 10:14 AM
Monday 9:08 AM

DanO is now hibernating, resting from an arduous weekend of negotiating the key contract of the offseason. Axlerod and Aurilia were tough negotiators and reminded DanO several times that Rich could make more elsewhere, but loved playing in Cincinnati so much that he'd play for darn near nothing, or $1.35M, whichever is larger. Calling their bluff, DanO wrote "1.3" on a red posty note (red being the color for "official contract bids") and told the agent to take it or leave it, all while trying to keep the sweat beads from dripping on the table.

Now, for a long winter's nap. His work here is done....oh how we hope his work here is done soon and very soon.

01-23-2006, 07:15 PM
Just wanted to thank you all for this. I got several quality laughs from this when you all were doing this, that helped to ease the pain of the Womack/Aurilia weeks.

Caveat Emperor
01-23-2006, 07:18 PM
1-23-06: DanO calls a press conference for 7:30 PM in his living room and spends an hour listing several hundred people that he wants to "F-Off"

Nobody attends.

01-24-2006, 11:42 AM
1-24-06: John Allen finds enough dollars to sign another starting pitcher after audit reveals a surplus, allocated for binders, in office supplies.

01-24-2006, 01:26 PM
1-24-06: John Allen finds enough dollars to sign another starting pitcher after audit reveals a surplus, allocated for binders, in office supplies.

Not another pitcher...an extension for Milton...duh!