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Redsland
01-08-2006, 03:15 PM
The Reds Report
By Redsland, for Redsland

Aurilia Deadline Looms
Vet wants assurances of playing time, clarification of role, and two or three other job offers would be nice.
Dan O’Brien strokes cat, cackles with delight for “fooling” other GMs into ignoring old, slow malcontent.
Crafty O’Brien has back-up plan as Austin Kearns begins taking grounders at second.

New Owners on Horizon
Castellini group disinclined to fire O’Brien and pay him to do nothing; though upon reflection, that was going to happen either way.
Produce magnates agree MLB’s “gag order” has unfortunate name.
New “managing partners” negotiate 75% of team; other 25% specifically includes Milton, Gapper.
Purchase reveals team has $160 million equity, prompting numerous calls from Ditech.

Cubs for Opening Day
Reds face elite pitching staff at good time as Dusty Baker’s spring workload expected to take toll.
Cincy economy to grind to a halt as all 2.5 million local Reds, Cubs fans call in “sick.”
Adam Dunn’s Christmas present to be ready; still tied tightly shut, ball in pocket, stuck between mattresses.

Redsfest to Return
Pokey Reese “a maybe.”
Huge expansion permits all of the people who helped Dan O’Brien get his job appear under one roof.
New interactive exhibits include “The Business of Baseball” from Office Max, Verizon Wireless’ “Talks in Various Stages,” and for the kids from Maglite, “Exploring Every Avenue.”

Reds on the Move
“Ramon Ortiz can help us,” Jim Bowden’s lips say.
After press conference in Casey’s Pittsburgh, Joe Randa proactively buys every copy of “Beer for my Horses,” takes them to Dumpster.
Bret Boone signs with Mets after clarifying whether Anna Benson’s "threat" is still valid.

Reds Notes
O’Brien Christmas shopping “entering final stages.”
Jason LaRue anointed leader, refuses to wash anointing oil off forehead.
As 2006 enters second week, “top priority” Adam Dunn “not waiting by phone.”
Season's new uniform patch to commemorate historic front office turnover.
2006 weekend games to mercifully end an hour earlier.

:)

RFS62
01-08-2006, 03:22 PM
All the news that's fit to print.

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

creek14
01-08-2006, 03:58 PM
Man Redsland, if I was half as clever as you, I'd be, um, well half as clever as you.

Great stuff.

KittyDuran
01-08-2006, 04:23 PM
Pokey Reese “a maybe.”

After press conference in Casey’s Pittsburgh, Joe Randa proactively buys every copy of “Beer for my Horses,” takes them to Dumpster.
Bret Boone signs with Mets after clarifying whether Anna Benson’s "threat" is still valid. :beerme: Great stuff!!!

KronoRed
01-08-2006, 04:25 PM
Well done as always :lol:

M2
01-08-2006, 04:25 PM
New interactive exhibits include “The Business of Baseball” from Office Max, Verizon Wireless’ “Talks in Various Stages,” and for the kids from Maglite, “Exploring Every Avenue.”

Pure genius.

Jpup
01-08-2006, 07:43 PM
:lol:

great stuff man.

Chip R
01-09-2006, 08:59 AM
I don't know how you keep coming up with this stuff but keep it up.

traderumor
01-09-2006, 09:20 AM
I don't know how you keep coming up with this stuff but keep it up.
The same way the Bengals provided monologue material for years. Incompetence is funny stuff.