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GAC
03-26-2006, 05:20 AM
Wetz is alive and well. Just got a new batch of jokes from him, so I thought I'd share them. Since I am Irish, I enjoyed these....

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little punk, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

======================================

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

================================================== ===

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim, But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee"

==================================================

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun'".

================================================== ==

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either."

GAC
03-26-2006, 05:23 AM
Do You Think I'll Live To Be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits
and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for
my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist
asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no,"
I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you
eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other
doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,
sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" " No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of
sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a damn?"

GAC
03-27-2006, 08:59 PM
Subject: A Haircut

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I
can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy
leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About
3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill
follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to
wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing
hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where does he go when he leaves here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes from laughing and says "Your house".

GAC
03-27-2006, 09:06 PM
Marriage counselling

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly with a very satisfied daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf.