PDA

View Full Version : Health Question & Answer Session



GAC
04-11-2006, 06:56 AM
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

GAC
04-11-2006, 07:04 AM
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems,document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it
be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
P: ! Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

DropDocK
04-11-2006, 09:49 AM
:lol:


Nice start to my morning! I've seen the first one before but had forgotten about it. :D

Heath
04-11-2006, 12:06 PM
I read this too fast - I thought this was a Heath question & answer session.

:confused: :D

KronoRed
04-11-2006, 04:11 PM
:lol: