View Full Version : Kids' English essays

05-24-2006, 12:36 PM
I question the authenticity of these sometimes (especially since I know I've read some of these before), but they're funny nonetheless. These are supposedly the winners of a contest held by nationwide English teachers last year regarding metaphors used in high school students' papers.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She ha d a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Must have just left Math class)

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

04-30-2009, 06:42 PM
Too bad most of these are similes, not metaphors! :D

04-30-2009, 08:30 PM
By way of The Wetzel:

1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses /until they stop running.
2. Strike while the / bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before / Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power / of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water / but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks / dirty.
7. No news is / impossible.
8. A miss is as good as / a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog / new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs / you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all trust / Me.
12. The pen is mightier than / the pigs.
13. An idle mind is / est way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's / pollution.
15. Happy the bride / who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is / not much.
17. Two's company / three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you / put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and / You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as / Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not / spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed / get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you / see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind / get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is / going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one! 26. Better late than / Pregnant



04-30-2009, 09:09 PM
Some of those are hilarious

Caveat Emperor
04-30-2009, 10:23 PM
I'm reminded of some of the better lines from "The Naked Gun" movies:

"It's like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside."

"Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through."

"Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes."