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wheels
08-17-2006, 12:43 AM
"I don't want you to think you're some sort of PROJECT".

That's how the conversation began.

My response?

"Maybe I do, just a little bit...."

Inside I felt that little thumpity thump.

You know, that feeling you get when you and your "person of persistant interest" are about to have The Big Breakup Talk.

It's really hard to think back to that day two weeks ago without getting that feeling.

www.redszone.com/forums/showthread.php?p=11266#post1126616

I'll always remember her for her abject opposition to smiling. Seriously, that's almost as close as she ever got when it came to actually smiling.

Of course, that's not the girl I first met. I thought she was fun loving, yet demur and maybe just a little bit guarded. Plus, I thought she was a total fox.
I'm not gonna lie to you, for the first time in my life I went all in for the looks.
'Course, you can't really tell from that picture.

When I first met her, I found myself doing things for her attention that I would have never done before.

I was comprimised. My security had been breeched, and I couldn't do a derned thing about it.

All the while, she was beginning her offensive.

I didn't dress well enough.

I didn't know how to watch my language (that one's true, but tell that to Nick Tosches or Earl Weaver and see what happens).

I voted for Nader in 2000. She went off on me for nearly forty five minutes when I told her that one.

She would constantly put me down for growing up in a small town, yet totally discounted the fact that I somehow grew up to be a well read Punk Rock guy.
Do I put on heirs? No, and somehow that made me beneath her. Even though she reads books with phrases like "The NUMBER ONE beach book of the year" printed on the jacket.

She said that stuff, and not one single shred of it is untrue. If I wanted to freak you all out, the list could actually go on for three or four pages.

Why in hades would I put up with that? I can be bitter, surly, pig headed, boorish and nihilistic....Thing is, while I was with her, I was just.........

Numb.

I had nothing in the tank. I was ready to become a Stepford Husband if it meant I'd be allowed to do naughty things to her. Thing is, she isn't really all that naughty to begin with. Shoulda been another red flag.

I was a one man hung jury and it makes me sick.

"I think we need a break" She said.

"We might need more than that, toots." I said.

My roomate once wrote a song about me. "Professional Againster" was the name, and it fit perfectly.

She reduced me to a meely mouthed, nervous, nail biter who wouldn't challenge her or anyone else for fear of.....Something.

I honestly don't know what I was afraid of.

Not getting laid?

Not bloody likely, Bub.

Being alone?

Haw! She's gone, and alla my pals are comin' outta the woodwork just for the CHANCE to rock out with me.

Not getting married?

To quote my best friend Tim Moreland: "Would you really wanna deal with THAT for forty years? Let's face it, you're not gonna live to see seventy anyway..."

It's funny how things work.

I knew this day would be cataclysmic.......I just thought it would be the BAD kinda cataclysm. Ya know, floods and alla that hokum.

Naw baby NAW.

Life is actually kinda good. I started going to one of those Gym things (a few weeks before the breakup...How prescient am I btw?), The Thomas Jefferson Slave Appartments played on Saturday for the first time in years, The Reds could possibly make the playoffs, and my friends are calling me again.

It's funny. I've got the energy to post on Redszone more, and I think I writing with more zeal than I have in years.

I think ol' Wheels is back, and I missed him. I sure you all did as well.

You've been served, people.

Love me, hate the Cardinals.

I'm gonna leave you guys with a project. Find some New Bomb Turks songs on the internet. Look for the song "Veronica Lake". Listen to the words, and that's where I am. It's off their 1997 record entitled "At Rope's End".

"The bent angels broke my neck, and eventually my mind. My time is short, why do I spend so much time searching for Veronica Lake."

SteelSD
08-17-2006, 01:34 AM
wheels, thank God and all that is holy that you're rid of her.

Here's the great secret of the greatest relationships of all time...

We do not love people in spite of their flaws. We love people because of them.

I dated a goodly number of girls before I found my wife. Every one of them had a fatal flaw. That fatal flaw is that they all wanted to change me into something I was not rather than accept me for who I was. And I'd like to highlight "who I was" because people do change over time. Contrary to popular belief, people do change. My wife understood and understands that. She also understands that who I am is a huge benefit to her and, likewise, she is a huge benefit to me. She knows that because I have put 100% into the relationship and she has responded with 100% back.

Relationships are not 50/50, they are 100/100.

Knowing that, there is little reason to wish for what used to be; especially if what used to be wasn't all that good. Sounds like you were giving 110% while your partner was giving 40%. Nearly every adult on his board has been in those relationships before. They suck. They suck badly because those relationships demand that you be someone you can't possibly be. Ever. No matter how much you change or grow, you can't ever be the person the other needs you to be.

For the short-term, that's tragic on multiple levels because the person who's determined that they "need" something different is very rarely ever going to find it. They may find what they perceive to be their "need" but it's superficial. Those people are swayed by appearance rather than substinance. When that happens they're lost. It's a life of unhappy because they couldn't appreciate the best they ever had.

wheels, I've got a wife who accepts me for who I am without hesitation. I've grown a great deal since we first got together as has she. We were both worth it. She loves me for my flaws rather than in spite of them. She walks into comic book shops and, sometimes, walks out with more books than I do. She's my best friend. She's my counterbalance. She's my conscience and my project and my life. When you find a girl like that, you won't have any problem holding onto her because she'll hold onto you tightly without trying to tell you who you need to be for her to stay with you.

I've always considered life before marriage as the best way to find out exactly what you don't want. I applaud you for figuring that out and I insist that your experience with that girl is going to aid you in procuring a better match within a couple months of this post.

REDREAD
08-17-2006, 04:11 AM
Just wanted to pop in and say I'm glad things are working out for you man.

TeamCasey
08-17-2006, 05:33 AM
I was ready to become a Stepford Husband if it meant I'd be allowed to do naughty things to her.

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Welcome back, Wheels! :)

I'm sorry ....... but it sounds like she's not good enough for you.

Blimpie
08-17-2006, 08:56 AM
"You're so money, you don't even know it...."

IslandRed
08-17-2006, 09:25 AM
Good move. Being alone is a pretty good deal relative to one of those soul-sucking relationships.

I'll ditto what Steel said. My wife thought I was basically OK the way I was, and vice versa, and we can live with each other's flaws and foibles. And it helps that she's not bothered by that many things in the first place.

redsfan30
08-17-2006, 09:45 AM
Sounds like you made the right move, my man.

flyer85
08-17-2006, 09:58 AM
a favorite quote about marriage from Howard Hendricks


I spent the first 10 years of my marriage trying to keep my wife from discovering who I really was before I figured out she already knew who I was and loved me anyway.

Red Leader
08-17-2006, 10:05 AM
Steel, that was a great post, man.

Wheels, welcome back to your life. Now go do what "you" want to do with it and don't let others try and make you waste it constantly sucking your time on them.

Puffy
08-17-2006, 12:45 PM
Wheels - I've got one word for you man.

Hookers.

Crash Davis
08-17-2006, 12:59 PM
Good stuff here, wheels. I went through something very similar a few years back.

Wait, didn't I read a thread like this from you about 2 years ago?

I love the wheels break-up threads. One of the unique treasures of redszone.

Puffy
08-17-2006, 01:08 PM
Good stuff here, wheels. I went through something very similar a few years back.

Wait, didn't I read a thread like this from you about 2 years ago?

I love the wheels break-up threads. One of the unique treasures of redszone.

2 years ago - that might have been the Puffy had Sex thread. That is about the right timeframe.

Another couple of months or so and I should have another.

Just gotta save up the $200 bucks.....

vaticanplum
08-17-2006, 01:30 PM
Steel, you sound exactly like my mother :laugh: That's one of her two rules of living about which she has always been adamant: you cannot change other people. Change comes from within; if someone changes, it is because he or she made the decision to do so. You can exchange ideas, you can provide argument, but you cannot change other people. "Projects" have Elmer's glue and duct tape, not brains and emotions.

Her other rule for living is Never drive faster than the car in front of you, which is wise. (She has a third one too -- There are two things you can never own too much of: books and art -- but turns out she was wrong about that. I move all the time and I'm sick of lugging all my big stupid books around.)

In any case, wheels, it sounds like you are much better off. At the very least you certainly sound happier and like you have learned valuable stuff for the future. I do feel like I come across people (not often, because I have the smartest, bestest friends in the world) who seem to be staying in relationships for no other reason than fear of being out of them, which makes zero sense to me. There is so much else in the world and you can't force what isn't right or what cannot work, and certainly you can't force what makes you unhappy. Life is too short. Enjoy your great friends, your family, your music and baseball and whatever else you know you love.

wheels
08-17-2006, 09:04 PM
Good stuff here, wheels. I went through something very similar a few years back.

Wait, didn't I read a thread like this from you about 2 years ago?

I love the wheels break-up threads. One of the unique treasures of redszone.

Seriously, this doesn't really happen to me all that often.

I've had two, or maybe three really intense relationships.

The rest have been just waking up in one of my female friends' beds and having a big laugh about it later, or one nighters in strange towns.....But that's a whole 'nother story.

I do tend to wax romantic....Repeatedly. Just today I caught myself thinking all gushy like over a good friend's sister.

I had to slap myself.

MWM
08-17-2006, 10:24 PM
Welcome back, wheels. You've been missed. Great thread, BTW.

Falls City Beer
08-17-2006, 10:38 PM
The greatest love poem was written over 2000 years ago, Catullus's "Odi et Amo." Two simple lines:

I hate and I love. And if you ask me how,
I do not know: I only feel it and I'm torn in two.

Mario-Rijo
08-17-2006, 10:40 PM
Hmmm, I get the funny feeling I might be headed where you just came from. No clues for sure other than I don't know her well, but for some dumb reason I feel like I am walking into "A trap". And the funny thing is I am the one pursuing it. Should I just go ahead and nip it off before it starts, no I gotta see for myself?!

I'll keep ya all updated. The 1st date is actually a couple of weeks off yet (I work with her, although not alongside her).

And Wheels my man I can feel your pain right through this thing and yet I am unafraid. I must be insane, but it's been too long to turn back now!

i_heart_jason
08-18-2006, 12:15 AM
you have an opportunity for a new beginning

RFS62
08-18-2006, 08:40 AM
Wheels, you dog.

It's about time. You just got the break of a lifetime, dude. You got out of a soul-sucking nightmare, the bane of the existence of a guy like you.

I've been with a lot of different types of women. The one thing that MUST be there for long term happiness is a good heart.

She, and you, have to have a good heart. All the rest are variations on a thousand themes that will draw you too her, but without a good heart, she won't accept your many quirks that make you who you are.

Welcome back, dude. Go howl at the moon like you were meant to do, buddy.

And take careful notes.

oneupper
08-18-2006, 08:45 AM
Girls come and Go.

REDSZONE IS FOREVER!

(welcome back) :)

Ltlabner
08-18-2006, 09:31 AM
Hmmm, I get the funny feeling I might be headed where you just came from. No clues for sure other than I don't know her well, but for some dumb reason I feel like I am walking into "A trap". And the funny thing is I am the one pursuing it. Should I just go ahead and nip it off before it starts, no I gotta see for myself?!

I'll keep ya all updated. The 1st date is actually a couple of weeks off yet (I work with her, although not alongside her).

And Wheels my man I can feel your pain right through this thing and yet I am unafraid. I must be insane, but it's been too long to turn back now!

RED FLAG #1: You already feel a sense of trouble (ie. "a trap").

RED FLAG #2: You work with her (never fish off your own dock)

RED FLAG #3: You are persuing her (if you gotta chase it down it aint worth it).

Warning, whoop whoop!

Warning, whoop whoop!

PULL UP! PULL UP!

Hahahahha