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Dom Heffner
10-12-2006, 08:31 PM
I'm sure I've had worse than this one, but this always sticks out in my mind.

I was about 12 years old or so, watching television with a few of my relatives at Thanksgiving when a commercial for "Buddy's Carpet Barn" came on and I opened my big mouth.

"Who in the heck would name their kid Buddy? What a stupid name."

My cousin replied, "Well, my name's Buddy."

"Yes it is," I said, recalling a moment too late that a man named Buddy was two feet away.

You know, in thinking back on that, I've met only one person in my life named Buddy, and I've only uttered that sentence one time in my 37 years and he just happened to be sitting right next to me when I did it.

Ltlabner
10-12-2006, 08:41 PM
I was at Wright State University in Fairborn, Ohio. 1990. Freshman year.

Being the stud that I am I pulled on my skin tight ripped jeans, AC/DC concert-t and button down shirt (sleves rolled up, worn open and not tucked in, of course) along with my snake skin boots and sauntered over to my first class.

After sitting through Bio 101 in a 600+ person lecture hall I strutted over to the cafetera to await some friends. While waiting outside, an attractive member of the female gender took up a place across the hall from me to await her friends. Since I was a total playa in those days, I checked her out and made clear that I noticed her and approved. After a few minutes of sultry looks, alluring eye gestures and making sure my flowing locks (read: mullet) were stunning I made my way to the restroom.

Upon walking up to the urinal (while congradulating myself for driving another woman wild with passion) I reached down to unzip my fly.......

Only to realize that it was down the entire time. From the minute I left the dorm, all through class with 600 people and while I was knocking that girl out with my don juan-y-ness my zipper was wide open. Being that they were skin tight jeans there was no mistaking what was going on.

It was at that moment I fully accepted the fact that I am a dork.

MWM
10-12-2006, 08:48 PM
I was at working at a Client's building (Cincinnati Financial) shortly after I got out of undergrad. They have two buildings that are someting like 10 floors high. All the floors are exactly identical and they are setup in a circle-like design with a hall going around the entire floor. We were located on the 10th floor while we were there. The Men's bathrrom on our floor was out the main door and directly to the left. The women's was out the door and directly to the right.

I went in to the men's room on my floor to do som reading (if you know what I mean). I went in there and both stalls were occupied. The stairway is directly next to the men's room door, so I walked out went immediately down the stairs to the floor below. I walked through the stairway door and imediately into the restroom door next to the stairs (where the men's room is on my floor).

I'm in there for a few minutes when two women walked in and were chatting. I immediately realized I was in the women's bathroom. They reversed the sides of the main entrance where the restrooms were on this floor.Because I didn't have any need for the urinals, I didn't even notice that there weren't any and that there were 4 stalls. So I'm sitting in there as silent as I can possibly be. One of the women went into the stall next to mine and went herself. After they left I was about to make a dash for it when another woman walked in and went into one of the other stalls.

As sson as she left, I got up and made a mad dash for the door. When I walked out I looked down both directions of the hall and luckily no one was there. I was lucky no one saw me.

Dom Heffner
10-12-2006, 09:02 PM
MWM, that reminds me of a time I was on an elevator with one other person, travelling from the 5th floor to the first.

It was just us two when I started to smell something that could only be one thing.

And it didn't come from me.

The elevator stopped at the second floor and my gaseous elevator mate got out.

When I got to the first floor the door opened and there was a group of about 5 super hot ladies getting onto the elevator who- I suddenly realized- were about to convict me of a crime I did not commit.

Falls City Beer
10-12-2006, 09:05 PM
MWM, that reminds me of a time I was on an elevator with one other person, travelling from the 5th floor to the first.

It was just us two when I started to smell something that could only be one thing.

And it didn't come from me.

The elevator stopped at the second floor and my gaseous elevator mate got out.

When I got to the first floor the door opened and there was a group of about 5 super hot ladies getting onto the elevator who- I suddenly realized- were about to convict me of a crime I did not commit.

Are you sure this isn't a Rudy Ray Moore sketch?

Dom Heffner
10-12-2006, 09:07 PM
Are you sure this isn't a Rudy Ray Moore sketch?

Never heard of Rudy Ray Moore, but I assure you it happened in August of 2004 in beautiful (though the weather on the elevator was a bit humid) Tampa, Florida.

RedFanAlways1966
10-12-2006, 09:17 PM
I'm too embarrassed to tell... :p:

All funny stories above... MWM, Ltlabner and Dom.

I must admit that the below story had me LMAO....


"Who in the heck would name their kid Buddy? What a stupid name."

My cousin replied, "Well, my name's Buddy."

"Yes it is," I said, recalling a moment too late that a man named Buddy was two feet away.

:laugh:

Falls City Beer
10-12-2006, 09:18 PM
Never heard of Rudy Ray Moore.

http://www.spookyempire.com/screamfest_convention_2005/images/rudy_ray_moore_2.jpg

Ltlabner
10-12-2006, 09:31 PM
Are you sure this isn't a Rudy Ray Moore sketch?

Come on FCB, no embrassing stories in your fabled past?

Falls City Beer
10-12-2006, 09:34 PM
Come on FCB, no embrassing stories in your fabled past?

I'll think on it. There are tons. Though I abandoned my dignity long ago.

Blimpie
10-12-2006, 09:36 PM
This one is easy....

The summer before my senior year of high school, my parents up and moved the entire family from Lexington, Kentucky to Palm Beach, Florida. By the time we got settled in, I had lived in Florida but only two months prior to beginning my senior year in a brand new high school. Thus, when the first day of classes arrived, I still did not know a single solitary person in a school that had 1,800 students.

Because I was a transfer student, I was told to report to the guidance office with my transcripts the first thing in the morning. Presumably, I would then be placed in the proper classes, etc...When I got to the office, it was absolutely packed with other students. The room was so crowded, in fact, that I was one of many students who had to sit in little miniature chairs--shoved off to the side of the guidance counselor's office.

When my name was finally called, I quickly learned that my path to the office was blocked by at least a dozen students who shared my appointment schedule. The only way I could possibly navigate my way through the sea of students (without asking about half of them to move their chairs) was going to require some ingenuity. Being the new cat in school, I opted for the path of least resistance and decided I would not ask all of the other students to move their chairs just so I could get by them.

Instead, I had the bright idea to skillfully balance atop my little plastic chair and then--at the precisely proper moment--vault over top of the remaining rows of students to the open area of carpet in the room. Sounded like a plan. Heck, I figured that I would even get style points from my peers for my degree of difficulty.

Well, the best laid plans are most definitely laid to rest. Although I performed a thorough analysis of the required vaulting distance, wind speed, and backpack load factor--I failed to consider a very salient detail. Much to my chagrin, my chair was situated directly below a framed door opening that led to another office. Yes, as I stood upon my plastic chair, the top of my dome could not have been any more than 6" from the bottom of the door casing. Before anyone else could process what I was intending to do, I sprung out of my chair and cracked the top of my head squarely against the door opening.

I am not talking about a "glancing blow" or anything here. I mean that I literally knocked myself out--COLD. Apparently, I was even out before I hit the floor. There I was, sprawled out unconscious in the middle of the guidance office floor on my first day in a new school. Although I was only napping for about 20 seconds, when I came to, there were about four students crouching over top of me checking for signs of life. One guy who was laughing hysterically said to me, "dude, that was the stupidest thing I have ever seen anyone do before..." His name was Mike Weisburg and he became the first person who I officially met at this school. We actually ended up being pretty good friends for several years.

The last time Mike and I spoke was about 15 years after that incident. He still reminded me that after I fell to the floor like a sack of doorknobs, you could see a huge clump of my scalp that was still clinging to the top of the door frame like something out of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre home.

BUTLER REDSFAN
10-12-2006, 09:40 PM
my most embarrasing moment? everytime i look in a mirror undressed :( :(

GAC
10-12-2006, 09:49 PM
http://www.redszone.com/forums/showthread.php?t=51838

I have more, but the above should suffice. :lol:

Red in Chicago
10-12-2006, 09:52 PM
Having a bad case of diarrhea during a Penn & Teller show in Vegas. I must have made 10 trips back and forth to the bathroom. The final trip was a few minutes before the show ended. I'm in there blasting away, while the cleaning crew is mopping the floors and taking out the garbage. It's uncomfortable enough having to do that in a public bathoom, let alone when the cleaning crew is in there. I tried my best to hurry, but you know there are just some things that can't be rushed. Anyway, after I finally got done, washed up and exited the bathroom, there were about 20 security people waiting to close up the arena. I've never had so many people waiting for me to finish pooping in my life. Completely mortifying. My friends still haven't let me forget this. So much for "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas":devil:

BUTLER REDSFAN
10-12-2006, 10:02 PM
6th grade camp--camp kern---the last nite there they hold a dance..it seems that i'm the only one in there without a dance partner..making me depressed..then they start playing this sappy depressing love song...everything hits me at once and i start crying like an idiot-75% of my future graduates dancing with their newfound partners and im crying like somebody shot me.....what a putz

Ltlabner
10-12-2006, 10:03 PM
Also while I was at WSU.

On St. Paddy's day we went to a local watering whole to consume mass quantities. I went through the whole night chatting up a couple ladies and being my ultra cool self (the lesson from my prevous post sort of came and went until I got older). It turned into a long and sloppy night for all of us.

I awoke the next morning only to find my lips were covered in green food coloring in the perfect circular shape of the lip of a beer bottle. My buddies had been spiking my drinks with green food coloring but I was too "distracted" to notice. So the whole time I had my mojo working with the ladies I had a circular green stain on my lips.

Dom Heffner
10-12-2006, 10:08 PM
When I was about 7, I attended the Ford Motor Company family picnic at Stricker's Grove. This had to be 1976 or 1977.

Anyway, I really wanted to ride the ferris wheel that has the cage- like thing where you flip over and over.

I must have stood in line for over an hour, when I had to pee so bad I was squirming.

I couldn't hold it any longer, so I had a decision to make: get out of line or go around with wet gym shorts the rest of the day.

I chose the latter, of course, not realizing the full consequences of my actions.

Yes, I accounted for the wet shorts but what I totally didn't see coming was the fact that the pee wasn't going to just hold tight in my shorts.

It was streaming down my legs, in front of a turnstile full of people.

I heard laughter, and I have never ran so fast as when I finally got on that ride.

That was a long day.

Blimpie- I almost had a repeat of that day sitting here reading your story. that was great.

I knew a kid once who jumped off a picnic table without checking for clearance above his head. Kid hit the tree and fell straight down to the ground. My cousins and I still laugh about that one.

vaticanplum
10-12-2006, 10:09 PM
This one is easy....

The summer before my senior year of high school, my parents up and moved the entire family from Lexington, Kentucky to Palm Beach, Florida. By the time we got settled in, I had lived in Florida but only two months prior to beginning my senior year in a brand new high school. Thus, when the first day of classes arrived, I still did not know a single solitary person in a school that had 1,800 students.

Because I was a transfer student, I was told to report to the guidance office with my transcripts the first thing in the morning. Presumably, I would then be placed in the proper classes, etc...When I got to the office, it was absolutely packed with other students. The room was so crowded, in fact, that I was one of many students who had to sit in little miniature chairs--shoved off to the side of the guidance counselor's office.

When my name was finally called, I quickly learned that my path to the office was blocked by at least a dozen students who shared my appointment schedule. The only way I could possibly navigate my way through the sea of students (without asking about half of them to move their chairs) was going to require some ingenuity. Being the new cat in school, I opted for the path of least resistance and decided I would not ask all of the other students to move their chairs just so I could get by them.

Instead, I had the bright idea to skillfully balance atop my little plastic chair and then--at the precisely proper moment--vault over top of the remaining rows of students to the open area of carpet in the room. Sounded like a plan. Heck, I figured that I would even get style points from my peers for my degree of difficulty.

Well, the best laid plans are most definitely laid to rest. Although I performed a thorough analysis of the required vaulting distance, wind speed, and backpack load factor--I failed to consider a very salient detail. Much to my chagrin, my chair was situated directly below a framed door opening that led to another office. Yes, as I stood upon my plastic chair, the top of my dome could not have been any more than 6" from the bottom of the door casing. Before anyone else could process what I was intending to do, I sprung out of my chair and cracked the top of my head squarely against the door opening.

I am not talking about a "glancing blow" or anything here. I mean that I literally knocked myself out--COLD. Apparently, I was even out before I hit the floor. There I was, sprawled out unconscious in the middle of the guidance office floor on my first day in a new school. Although I was only napping for about 20 seconds, when I came to, there were about four students crouching over top of me checking for signs of life. One guy who was laughing hysterically said to me, "dude, that was the stupidest thing I have ever seen anyone do before..." His name was Mike Weisburg and he became the first person who I officially met at this school. We actually ended up being pretty good friends for several years.

The last time Mike and I spoke was about 15 years after that incident. He still reminded me that after I fell to the floor like a sack of doorknobs, you could see a huge clump of my scalp that was still clinging to the top of the door frame like something out of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre home.

:lol:

This is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time.

Coffeybro
10-12-2006, 10:37 PM
I've got two to tell.

The first one I was eating with my Mom and a couple of her friends at a Fuddruckers when I was about 7. I was really getting into reading at that time so I started to read this odd looking bottle of mustard on the table. It was a Fuddruckers brand called Mother Fuddruckers Mustard. When I read it out loud I left off the uddr. Needless to say my Mom's face was as red as my brothers head and all of her friends burst into fits of laughter.

The second one was a few years ago when my wife and I went with the rest of my family to Dayton on vacation to see a few Dragons games while Todd played there. I don't know if they still do but back then 5th/3rd field was sold out. Apparently Todd had arranged it with the entertainment guy to pick me out of the crowd to do the Audience Choice/Embarassment thing. The guy started with the line would you like a free t-shirt. I countered with like any you would have would fit me. (I'm 6'9" and a big guy) He countered with but I bet she would (pointing at my wife). With that my wife shook her head yes so I was hooked. He pulled me to the side and asked my name. I told him and he put on a fake grin looking down at Todd in the dugout shaking his head saying I didn't know. So about half an inning later I ended up on top of the Dragon's dugout with the crowd deciding the "stunt" that would occur. Todd stuck his head up from the dugout and helped the crowd choose "Cheese Please" (Since he knew I really hated the fake can cheese). So here I am in front of 8000 people laying on the dugout, cheese being dropped into/onto my mouth and face when my brother starts throwing sunflower seeds at me while laughing my head off. At this moment I realize that I was setup. But at least my wife has something to laugh at everytime she wears her Dragons shirt.

vaticanplum
10-12-2006, 11:16 PM
In response to this, I would like to share with you an essay that I wrote a few years ago regarding a boy in my Brooklyn neighborhood who was a regular at my local bar. It is long so don't feel obligated to read it. But I share this with you with the knowledge that this is merely a predecessor to my most embarrassing moment. Which frankly I'm not sure that I'm willing to share with you.

The essay is entitled You Don't Know My Name, But I Really Think We're in Love

It’s time for us to get this cleared up, thanks to the straightforward, direct, and no-bull method that is me writing an essay that you’ll never see. We need to stop beating around the bush. I know that some guys supposedly have trouble muttering those three little words, but I can’t even get you to SPEAK to me AT ALL. I really think that your life would be a lot simpler and easier if you just came out and said it straight: you love me. You love me as I love you, and you are my boyfriend, just as I refer to you.

We’ve had four and a half months together, which is plenty of time to know you’re in love when two people are as obviously connected as we are. Four and a half months ago was when I moved to the neighborhood. Coming from Gayville, New York City, it was quite a shock to me to discover a lovely little bar two blocks from my house that was filled to the brim with lovely little boys. Over the last four and a half months I have gotten to know quite a few of them (not in the biblical sense. Except…well, not important.) These boys are some of the nicest people I know. They are smart, funny, articulate; they work hard, they live hard, they drink hard. I haven’t gotten to know many girls at the bar, not because I don’t enjoy female company, but simply because apart from my roommate and me, girls simply don’t seem to exist there (except on weekends, when it’s really too crowded to speak to them). Being evidently the only female alcoholics in the neighborhood has its perks for my roommate and me. It is that, in fact, that has allowed us to get to know so many wonderful people of the male species where we live. I think the boys like hanging out with the two of us because we are cute, clever and charming, and clearly alliterate, but most of all because, as I believe I have mentioned, we are usually the only two girls there past 2:30 in the morning. At this time, as you know, people get drunk. People get close (not necessarily in the biblical sense). People get to know EVERYBODY IN THE BAR. You know this, I know, because you are there all the time, as often as I am and, logic would lead me to believe, probably even more. And I have watched you talk to everybody. The bartenders, the patrons, the guys outside wanting to bum cigarettes off you. Everybody, that is, except my roommate, and your true love, me.

Now, we’re in love, but let’s put that aside for a moment. Even if we weren’t in love, our lack of communication would be weird. We obviously know each other (not in the biblical sense). It’s gotten way beyond the point now where we could even run into each other and say “Hey, don’t I know you from the bar?” It is QUITE OBVIOUS to both of us that we know each other from the bar and it would be odd to feign we’re-too-cool-for-school ignorance. We’ve almost sat next to each other several times. We have stood in a circle of a whopping five people discussing important things with mutual acquaintances and neither of us has ever directly exchanged words with each other. Furthermore, I have talked to and gotten to know, slightly, though not in the biblical sense, several of your friends. Small talk and more. It’s great. Your friends are super. Congratulations. You’ve done well for yourself. I don’t know your name.

So of course it’s going to be extremely awkward when at last we speak to each other. What can we possibly say to each other at this point? Well, lucky for you, I’ve thought about it and I’ve devised the perfect phrase that will eliminate all weirdness from the situation, and despite my surprise that you’ll actually be speaking to me, I’ll be so proud of you for finally coming out and saying what we both know you want to: “Beautiful drunk girl from my neighborhood bar with whom I share physical space anywhere from 2-5 times a week, I know that you have that inconvenient boyfriend who runs in and out of town with his stupid band and in and out of your life with your dignity, but I have watched you spill drinks, scream at your friends, laugh so hard you’ve fallen off your chair, and watch the big screen TV so intently that you’ve physically drooled on yourself, as in a stream of beer actually fell from your mouth and grazed your arm before you realized it, and all I have to say is I LOVE YOU.”

It’s easy!!!! Come on, boyfriend!!!!!!

This isn’t one of those “imaginary” romances. You are not an office crush. You did not materialize inside a computer. You are beautiful flesh and blood with whom I am intimately acquainted despite having never exchanged words with you. I have watched you drink well over 3400 gin and tonics in our time together; who needs words? When you smile, I want to run laps around the block. That is enough for me. I haven’t known love like that since Pepperoni the miniature schnauzer came into my life 21 years ago.

So we need to stop this charade. I don’t know your name, but that’s ok. I know enough about you. I know that you are probably an alcoholic, and that you’re probably not very nice, and that you refuse to acknowledge my existence, and that you obviously don’t have any kind of legitimate job, and that you have a girlfriend who stops in sometimes to kiss you goodnight. You guys actually seem like a pretty great couple. That’s ok, she seems nice. I don’t know her name but I’m sure we’d get along fine. I love you not only despite all this, but because of it, because you’re just that good-looking, and that smile has made me familiar with your soul. Because I know, above all else, that we are in love. Let’s get it out in the open before we are old and ugly and dying of cirrhosis.

Dom Heffner
10-12-2006, 11:36 PM
I dunno, VP, I'm sort of thinking there's a rule where you have to sort of tell us what the embarrassing moment was.

I already admitted going in my shorts (okay, down my leg and into my striped tube socks), so I'm thinking you are just going to have to give it up.

KronoRed
10-12-2006, 11:40 PM
You have to share now Vatican..I didn't read that whole post for nothing ;)

Blimpie
10-12-2006, 11:54 PM
:lol:

This is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time.I aim to please...:thumbup:

GAC
10-13-2006, 06:35 AM
It was about 30 years ago, and while stationed in Spain....

There was 6 of us who took a train ride up to Torremolinos for the weekend. We all had numerous embarassing moments throughout that weekend because we were all partying our brains out while taking in the sights. It could have been one heck of a National Lampoon movie!

It was about 10 that night, and I was feeling no pain. But I had to pee bad. Unfortunately, finding public facilities was always a problem. Various cities would have them built under ground w/ stairway entrances from the sidewalks. It looked alot like a subway entrance. We found this out the hard way because earlier in the day one of group came up missing. We were all lit up pretty good by late afternoon. We then heard/seen one of the elderly female bathroom matrons come up out of one of those stairways screaming, yelling, and waving her hands. We went to investigate, and lo and behold there was our buddy - he had fallen down the stairs, bloodied his face, passed out and had puked all over the place.

As for my moment, it came later that night. Not wanting to have to try and find a restroom, I decided to duck behind a row of hedges next to the sidewalk. And this was in the center of town with alot of bars, night clubs, and it was pretty vibrant at night. Who would see right? What I didn't realize, due to the state I was in, was that immediately on the other side of that hedge was a hill.

So I stumble through, and I'm standing there unzipped, doing my thing, not realizing that I was well above the level of the top of the hedges and could be seen by everyone. And it was one of those deals (and you men will understand this) where I had been holding it in for quite some time because I knew, while drinking, that once you break that "seal", you're going to be going constantly.

I bet I was standing on that hill for 10 minutes! :lol:

When I turned around, there were passerbys just looking at me, and my buddies started to applaud.

And then later that night a buddy and I decided we wanted to check out this one bar. We were in there for 45 minutes before we realized it was a gay bar. But in our state, some of those women in there looked pretty good... OLAY!

RFS62
10-13-2006, 07:03 AM
Those are some pretty good stories.

Mine, however, is a tale of woe that gets repeated every five years or so, usually after mass quantities of beer are consumed.

I grew up in West Virginia. In the county in which I lived, you took the test for your drivers license at the State Police barracks in the county seat on the first Wednesday of each month. So, every kid in the county who turned 16 in the prior month was there to take their test on that day. My day, about 50 kids with their families were there.

You sign up, and wait your turn. The word was that you absolutely did not want to take your test from Trooper Adams. He was a hardcore little dude, about 5'8" and at least 250 pounds, built like a bowling ball.

So, naturally, I drew Trooper Adams. We went out into the parking lot, and the test started with an equipment check. I was driving a 1963 Ford Galaxy with a three speed shift on the column.

He stood in front of my car, and was barking directions. The engine was running, the car was in first gear, with my foot on the clutch. He went through the lights, the signals, then came his fateful command. "Hit your dimmer" he said.

Now, the dimmer switch on cars from that era was a button you pushed with your left foot on the floorboard to the left of the clutch, not on the turn signal like they are today. I followed his instructions to hit the dimmer, but this meant that I had to take my foot off the clutch. The car was running, in first gear, and he was standing right in front of the hood.

Soooo, it was the equivalent of popping the clutch. The car lurched forward and this little round man had to jump up on the hood of the car. As I lurched forward, he rolled up the hood and when the car finally died, his face was pressed up against my windshield, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth.

Time slows down at moments like these. My lasting memory of the event was his little fat face pressed up against the windsheld. In the background, about 100 people who were lucky enough to witness the entire event were doubled over laughing. I mean mass hysteria.

I don't think I've ever seen anyone quite as mad as Trooper Adams was that morning. I learned some new words, and some new ways of using a few words that I already knew.

He hopped off the hood of my car and proceeded to curse me out for about five minutes before he got himself under control. I figured I had it coming since I had nearly run over him, after all.

RANDY IN INDY
10-13-2006, 07:46 AM
Pass the test, RFS62?

RFS62
10-13-2006, 07:51 AM
Pass the test, RFS62?


Not exactly. After he was done cussin', he still got in the car and we drove to the area on the side of the road they used to test your parallel parking.

It was two oil drums spaced marking off a spot. You had to parallel park between them. He continued to mumble curse words as we drove there, and then barked "Stop here" when we got there. He got out of the car, and moved one of the barrels closer, leaving me very little room to get in there.

Against all odds, I swung the car in perfectly, couldn't have done better in 50 tries. That made him even madder, as he yapped that "I don't give a &(*/%^@ how you parked, you still fail!!!!"

I figured I'd better not argue, or he may shoot me. Sooo, I got to come back a month later and made it fine that time with no attempted homicides to cloud the issue.

dabvu2498
10-13-2006, 08:29 AM
Mine was about 2 months after I passed the bar exam. I was working for a guy, picking up some lightweight cases here and there and doing some work as a public defender. I had yet to pick up a felony case.

Well, I was getting ready to head into the office one Friday morning, thinking I had nothing scheduled for the day, putting on jeans and a sweatshirt, planning on where I was going to meet my wife for lunch, and about anything not work-related.

So the phone rings and it's my boss. He'd found out that one of his clients had been indicted and was going to be arraigned at 8:30 that morning. He had an all day hearing scheduled about 2 counties north. Could I cover his arraignment???

So I sprung into action. Couldn't miss my first chance to appear in Common Pleas Court!!! Quickly buffed off some shoes, threw on my suit, grabbed my briefcase, and out the door I went, anxious to defend this man's right to a fair bond!!!

Arrived in court, checked in with the balliff and went to find my client in the holding area.

As I approached him I told him who I was and why I was there.

His response was "Where the ______ is your shirt???"

I was only then that I realized that I had neglected to put on a shirt and tie and was only wearing a t-shirt under my best suit.

HumnHilghtFreel
10-13-2006, 10:00 AM
I've probably been more embarrassed than this in my time, but the one that sticks out to me is this one: I was probably about 7-8 years old and playing on a baseball travel team. We were way out of the way and I reallllllly had to go #2, so as soon as we got to the park, I ran to the bathroom, but when I got in there, the conditions were so bad I decided it would be best to hold it, I'm really picky about where I do my business still to this day. Well, needless to say my decision came back to haunt me. It was a pretty hot day, and I REALLY started to feel the heat, so there I was, manning second base when I just poop my pants. If that isn't embarassing enough for an 8 year old kid, my stomach was upset from it and I ended up puking and then everyone looked in my direction and notice the whole deal. That was one long car ride home lol

Blimpie
10-13-2006, 10:44 AM
I've probably been more embarrassed than this in my time, but the one that sticks out to me is this one: I was probably about 7-8 years old and playing on a baseball travel team. We were way out of the way and I reallllllly had to go #2, so as soon as we got to the park, I ran to the bathroom, but when I got in there, the conditions were so bad I decided it would be best to hold it, I'm really picky about where I do my business still to this day. Well, needless to say my decision came back to haunt me. It was a pretty hot day, and I REALLY started to feel the heat, so there I was, manning second base when I just poop my pants. If that isn't embarassing enough for an 8 year old kid, my stomach was upset from it and I ended up puking and then everyone looked in my direction and notice the whole deal. That was one long car ride home lolSo, let me get this straight...if any of us had been on the field that day--we would have been well within our rights as 8 year olds to begin singing:

"dburke is up to bat, and his pants are gettin' fat...diarrhea (phtt, phtt) diarrhea (phtt, phtt)..."

It is hard not to lament such lost opportunities in life.

HotCorner
10-13-2006, 11:52 AM
About nine years ago at my previous employer, we were having a routine meeting in our manager's cube. Due to space restraints, I and another person sat on the floor. As the meeting wrapped up someone made a funny comment (don't remember exactly) that caused all of us to laugh. Unfortunately for me it caused me to "rip one" and because I was sitting on the floor it only magnified the result. Everyone in the meeting laughed even harder not before exiting the cube to avoid my ill-timed byproduct.

RANDY IN INDY
10-13-2006, 01:30 PM
Not exactly. After he was done cussin', he still got in the car and we drove to the area on the side of the road they used to test your parallel parking.

It was two oil drums spaced marking off a spot. You had to parallel park between them. He continued to mumble curse words as we drove there, and then barked "Stop here" when we got there. He got out of the car, and moved one of the barrels closer, leaving me very little room to get in there.

Against all odds, I swung the car in perfectly, couldn't have done better in 50 tries. That made him even madder, as he yapped that "I don't give a &(*/%^@ how you parked, you still fail!!!!"

I figured I'd better not argue, or he may shoot me. Sooo, I got to come back a month later and made it fine that time with no attempted homicides to cloud the issue.

Those West Virginia state troopers never did have much of a sense of humor,;) although I once ran into one who did.

Got pulled over on the West Virginia Turnpike in 1979 on my way back from our beach trip after graduating high school. Was going 80 in a 55mph zone. The trooper walks up to the side of the car and to my surprise, it was a fellow who was a good friend of my father and a guy who had umpired a lot of my high school baseball games. He really grilled me for about 15 minutes and then told me he was not going to give me a ticket, but that he was going to call my dad and let him deal with me. I told him that I would much rather have the ticket, and he smiled and smuggly said, "I know that."

Well, I get home and I'm expecting the worst for nearly a week. Nothing. The tension was killing me. Went to play a summer league baseball game in Huntington, and there he is, with the gear on. I'm starting the game on the mound, and before the first pitch, he comes out from behind the plate screaming "Time" and walks toward the mound with an attitude as big as the whole state and a look that said he was going to kill me. He comes out, looks at me, and says, "I hope your fastball is as fast as your car tonight." He turns around, starts walking and says, "And by the way, I'm not going to tell your old man. Slow down from now on."

redsmetz
10-13-2006, 02:12 PM
When my wife and I were dating and still just barely in that PDA stage, we went to the Greek Festival here in Cincinnati. We were inside the building walking back out to the festival and reached my hand back for hers. I took the hand and then heard this voice, "You got the wrong hand there, pal." Yikes! Glad HE had a sense of humor! :redface:

Roy Tucker
10-13-2006, 02:39 PM
My wife and I were at a department store once. She was trying on clothes and I was wandering around looking at stuff.

I saw a woman that looked very much like my wife, so I walked up behind her, and said "hey good lookin', you've got a pretty sweet looking tush" (only I didn't say tush). The lady turned around and it wasn't my wife. To say she looked shocked was the understatement of the century.

The backpedaling and apologies were legendary. I saw her a few more times in the store (with my wife of course) and she just smiled while I made awkward faces.

Johnny Footstool
10-13-2006, 03:07 PM
I've probably been more embarrassed than this in my time, but the one that sticks out to me is this one: I was probably about 7-8 years old and playing on a baseball travel team. We were way out of the way and I reallllllly had to go #2, so as soon as we got to the park, I ran to the bathroom, but when I got in there, the conditions were so bad I decided it would be best to hold it, I'm really picky about where I do my business still to this day. Well, needless to say my decision came back to haunt me. It was a pretty hot day, and I REALLY started to feel the heat, so there I was, manning second base when I just poop my pants. If that isn't embarassing enough for an 8 year old kid, my stomach was upset from it and I ended up puking and then everyone looked in my direction and notice the whole deal. That was one long car ride home lol

And here I though I was the only one.

Unfortunately for me, we didn't have any bathrooms at the ballfield. I ran off looking for a bush, or tree, or anything. Then my coach started yelling that I was on deck, so I had to run back. Bad idea.

However, I actually hit two triples after I did my business. If I was superstitious, I would have made it a ritual for every game.

Ltlabner
10-13-2006, 03:14 PM
I will try to be delicate...

I was at off-site work meeting and had been having some stomach issues the previous day or so. Those issues were mostly over, or so I thought.

Near the end of the meeting I went to the mens room. After doing my business and while washing my hands I had a bit of gass bubble that I felt was appropriate to dispense of in the mens room.

Now, I know many of you are screaming, "don't do it! don't try to sneak it out Ltlabner" but being foolish I did, in fact, try to sneek out the small amount of gas pressure.

Needless to say I got a big suprise and more than I bargened for. I cleaned up the mess as best I could. I had to do the old "pull your shirt tails out" trick to cover my rear end lest anyone notice the evidence of the accidental discharge that took place. Fortunatly it was a casual meeting so I didn't stand out for having my shirt out.

As soon as that meeting was over I high-tailed it out of there with zero post meeting cavorting.

Redsfan08
10-13-2006, 05:42 PM
When I was in the fith grade about 6 yrs ago me and my class went to the library and the school librarian was talking to the class and not really thinking at the time I lifted my left side and fratulated real loud once it came out I kept hoping that no one heard it but the first person to luagh was a pretty cute girl then after that evrybody started laughing at me. then at reseces how ever u spell it when we were outside a kid walks up to me and says hey u got a brown spot on the back of your shorts. boy that was an embarrasing day.

MWM
10-13-2006, 06:38 PM
RFS, I think we've all seen pictures of your most embarassing moment. "What a Feeling" comes to mind.

Blimpie
10-13-2006, 06:44 PM
I beginning to think that RedsZone could support an entire forum devoted to people who have "sharted" in their trousers.

OldRightHander
10-13-2006, 11:14 PM
I beginning to think that RedsZone could support an entire forum devoted to people who have "sharted" in their trousers.

That happened to me in high school. I won't elaborate. Another one was discussed on here a while back.

http://www.redszone.com/forums/showthread.php?t=41925

Ltlabner
10-14-2006, 05:40 AM
That happened to me in high school. I won't elaborate. Another one was discussed on here a while back.

http://www.redszone.com/forums/showthread.php?t=41925

ORH, I always thought there was a harden criminal element about your posts. Know I know what a serious law breaker you really are!

GAC
10-14-2006, 06:01 AM
Those West Virginia state troopers never did have much of a sense of humor,;) although I once ran into one who did.

Got pulled over on the West Virginia Turnpike in 1979 on my way back from our beach trip after graduating high school. Was going 80 in a 55mph zone. The trooper walks up to the side of the car and to my surprise, it was a fellow who was a good friend of my father and a guy who had umpired a lot of my high school baseball games. He really grilled me for about 15 minutes and then told me he was not going to give me a ticket, but that he was going to call my dad and let him deal with me. I told him that I would much rather have the ticket, and he smiled and smuggly said, "I know that."

Well, I get home and I'm expecting the worst for nearly a week. Nothing. The tension was killing me. Went to play a summer league baseball game in Huntington, and there he is, with the gear on. I'm starting the game on the mound, and before the first pitch, he comes out from behind the plate screaming "Time" and walks toward the mound with an attitude as big as the whole state and a look that said he was going to kill me. He comes out, looks at me, and says, "I hope your fastball is as fast as your car tonight." He turns around, starts walking and says, "And by the way, I'm not going to tell your old man. Slow down from now on."

I know where you're coming from Randy. :lol:

This.... "I'm gonna tell your old man" or "I'll wait till your father gets home and let him deal with you" were two of the worst sentences I hated to hear when I was a kid.

It was the WAIT.... the psychological turmoil as all these scenarios ran through your mind as to what your Dad was gonna do. It was pure torture! I would have rather gotten the punishment right then and there and be done with it.

GAC
10-14-2006, 06:02 AM
My wife and I were at a department store once. She was trying on clothes and I was wandering around looking at stuff.

I saw a woman that looked very much like my wife, so I walked up behind her, and said "hey good lookin', you've got a pretty sweet looking tush" (only I didn't say tush). The lady turned around and it wasn't my wife. To say she looked shocked was the understatement of the century.

The backpedaling and apologies were legendary. I saw her a few more times in the store (with my wife of course) and she just smiled while I made awkward faces.

Been there done that Roy. I had a hard times going back into the local JC Penneys for awhile. But you know what they say.... "All wives look alike." ;)

RANDY IN INDY
10-14-2006, 08:54 AM
Come to south Charlotte, GAC. That definitely doesn't apply here in the "Land of the Lexus," as my wife and I call it. Never seen so much "arm candy" in luxury cars.:laugh:

Dom Heffner
10-14-2006, 09:45 AM
Another body excretion moment....

In fifth grade we were sitting in math class and I let out a very loud sneeze.

A few secodns later, I looked down at my book and there was a puddle of the worst looking greenish yellow mess ever.

What to do? If anyone saw it, I would be a laughing stock...

If I git up to get a kleenex, it would be there in plain sight. If I took the book with me to the bathroom, that would just be bizarre.

So I did what any self respecting fifth grader would do: I threw a piece of notebook paper over it and simply closed the book.

This was a temporary solution, I guess, because when I went to do my homework that night, it had all dried up, yes, but not before it soaked through several pages and then dried up, adhering to the notebook paper in the process.

I had four or five pages of the book stuck together, with dried snot, in addition to a piece of notebook paper that was now a permanent feature of the whole mess.

So I ripped the notebook paper out, and with it came much of the writing on two pages.

Then I had to pull the other pages apart. Where there were once math problems there were now giant white patches.

Now, the story can't end there, because this is isn't my book, right? At the end of the year you have to turn it in and the teachers flip through the pages to make sure there isn't any damage.

Well my teacher is flipping through the book and those pages were so damaged and awful that I may as well have put a bookmark along with a giant neon sign pointing to them.

"What happened here?"

"I don't know..."

So my parents get a bill for a new textbook and they are mad because they are going to have to pay it...

It becomes this big national issue- my mom calls the school, complaining that she shouldn't have to pay for a whole book because a few pages were destroyed. She even accused them of doing it and blaming it on me.

Which then brought up the subject of exactly what happened. They went through every possible circumstance and ruled them all out. Back and forth.

My mom asked to see it at one point.

And I was wanting this whole thing to go away.

For years, it would come up.

Dad would say, "I still wonder what happened to that book..."

And then Mom would immediatetly throw the blame on the school.

Funny now, not so funny then. :)

BuckWoody
10-14-2006, 10:30 AM
My wife and I were at a department store once. She was trying on clothes and I was wandering around looking at stuff.

I saw a woman that looked very much like my wife, so I walked up behind her, and said "hey good lookin', you've got a pretty sweet looking tush" (only I didn't say tush). The lady turned around and it wasn't my wife. To say she looked shocked was the understatement of the century.

The backpedaling and apologies were legendary. I saw her a few more times in the store (with my wife of course) and she just smiled while I made awkward faces.
I have a very similar story. We were with a bunch of friends in Indianapolis at a GameWorks type place. I thought my wife was just behind me as we were walking around. Well, as she walked past me I reached over without looking much and gave her a nice friendly crack on the arse...kind of an I-love-you-honey sort of smack. Well, she kept right on walking away from me and never turned around, which I though was odd. Then it finally hit me; that was not my wife. The lady never turned around and never said anything but just kept walking quickly away...mortified, I'm sure.

Another incident happened while in Indy too. My old girlfriend and I were at our good buddy's wedding and were returning to our hotel after the reception downtown. I was in no shape to do anything much less drive so my girlfriend is behind the wheel as we're on the interstate. We pass this big white limo and I am 100% positive that it is our friends who just got married and were headed off to their honeymoon suite. So I commence to hang out the window shouting at them and waving and generally being a drunken fool. Eventually the back windows roll down and the bride and groom inside wave back with big smiles on their faces. I am happy with myself and sit back down in my seat. Well, a few months later when we finally hook up with our friends again I recall the cool story about running into them on the highway. At which time they informed me that they stayed right where we had the reception...they never left. So now two groups of people have a really funny wedding story to tell. :D

vaticanplum
10-16-2006, 10:24 PM
I'm thinking you are just going to have to give it up.

Oh, believe me, I tried. That's pretty much where the story begins.

Dom Heffner
10-16-2006, 11:16 PM
It doesn't have anything to do with your avatar does it?

:)

vaticanplum
10-16-2006, 11:27 PM
It doesn't have anything to do with your avatar does it?

:)

What, my awesome Reds logo?

Dom Heffner
10-16-2006, 11:33 PM
Your..um...admission of funk....

vaticanplum
10-16-2006, 11:37 PM
Your..um...admission of funk....

:laugh:

I've ALWAYS got the funk.

(That slogan is actually a direct result of my recent obsession with soul and funk music, especially Rufus Thomas...I never thought it could mean anything else :help: )

MrCinatit
10-17-2006, 07:50 AM
I attended summer school when I was about 9 years old.
I was a very thirsty child - I drank a lot of water before going to bed.
A lot.
I was also a very shy child. I awoke late that night, really having to go. Bad.
Unfortunately, the cabins were not equiped - we had to go to an outhouse. When we did have to go, we had to wake up our councilor, who would go with us.
Did I mention I was shy? Yeah - I was having no part of that. Sleeping on that sopping wet matress was one of the most miserable nights I have ever spent. Almost as bad as the next morning, when they took the sheets off - the stain was rather large. Fortunately, we moved out of Dayton shortly after that.

At a previous job, we always had to wear dress pants. Me being the cheepo I am always bought the least expensive ones. They were always ripping on me, but there were usually little tears.
Usually.
One day while stretching for a stack of Monopoly games, I tore them almost literally in half. The tear went from my zipper to my belt. Fortunately, I did chose that day to wear underwear - and it is also fortunate I had bought some cash with me to buy a new pair.
About a year later, I am again on a ladder, again retreiving games - Candyland, this time. A coworker I was trying to impress was nearby.
I decided to show off to her and bring about 20 of the suckers down at once. Unfortunately, I lost count of the rungs on the ladder, and fell flat on my face when reaching the bottom. I and the games went in all directions. But, hey, she noticed me.

Oh. And high school. That was pretty humiliating.

dsmith421
10-17-2006, 05:29 PM
Old pair of corduroy pants.
Bowling.
First date.

You do the math. <Shudder>