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wheels
11-22-2006, 08:11 PM
As has been well documented, my girl of three years and I split a few months ago.

In that time I've had little contact with her. I just felt things would get better for both of us if we weren't mucking it up for each other.

Sunday, I decided to call her just to kinda extend an olive branch of sorts. I think it's bad to carry around crappy feelings. It went pretty well. We talked for about half an hour, and we both got stuff off our chests. I actually felt kinda neato about it all. We even decided that we should get together and have a few pops, with the hope that we won't hate each other in the future.

Last night I made plans with a bunch of friends to get together for a day before Thanksgiving over embibe a thon. We do it every year, and it's always been a real gas.

So I'm sitting there listening to records and my phone rings.

It's her, of course.

A cheery hello and how's it going ensued, followed by an invite from her to go out after she finished up at work.

My response?

"I can't. Can you believe that?"

She quickly told me that it was okay, but I felt the need to tell her that I felt bad because it was my idea for us to get together in the first place.


I have no idea why I feel so weird about it all. Things felt natural when we talked on Sunday, but today I feel like I hurt her feelings.

Why should I care about that?

Why am I all jumpy and jittery now?

She didn't seem insulted over the phone, but she did exit the conversation rather abruptly.

Maybe I'm still afraid to see her, but I really do have plans tonight.

Maybe I'm still shocked that it's over.

Maybe I'm glad it's over, and my subconsious is trying to steer me clear of her.

Maybe I've had too much coffee.

I'm hoping someone can help me sort this out so I can have fun tonight.

Any takers?

RFS62
11-22-2006, 08:22 PM
Go have fun.

You told the truth, and your heart seems in the right place not wanting to hurt her.

If it's meant to be, you'll reconnect. If not, you've said the things you wanted to and that's all good.

Go howl at the moon, if that's what you want to do.

Falls City Beer
11-22-2006, 08:23 PM
Don't drink.

RedFanAlways1966
11-22-2006, 08:23 PM
We even decided that we should get together and have a few pops, with the hope that we won't hate each other in the future.

Is it possible to do this... w/out it leading to the bedroom in the end? In my single-life, I tried to do this w/ ex-girlfriends and the evening always seemed to end in the bedroom. Ending in the bedroom seemed great in the short-term, but never was a good thing in the long-run.

It might be possible, but it never worked that way for me. :confused:

wheels
11-22-2006, 08:25 PM
Is it possible to do this... w/out it leading to the bedroom in the end? In my single-life, I tried to do this w/ ex-girlfriends and the evening always seemed to end in the bedroom. Ending in the bedroom seemed great in the short-term, but never was a good thing in the long-run.

It might be possible, but it never worked that way for me. :confused:

Oh gawd!

I never even thought about that.

I really don't want to get back with her at all.

I'm just trying to avoid the spiteful backbiting that can materialize.

Falls City Beer
11-22-2006, 08:28 PM
Oh gawd!

I never even thought about that.

I really don't want to get back with her at all.

I'm just trying to avoid the spiteful backbiting that can materialize.

Sometimes there are advantages to being shallow and not opening up. That's why I recommended not drinking. Not because I thought it would lead to the sack. Give yourself no incentive to do anything but be civil.

RedFanAlways1966
11-22-2006, 08:30 PM
That's cool, wheels. You have to remember that. Sometimes it is very-very hard to not get those "old feelings" when that get-back-together-thing happens. It might have just been me or it might just be a human nature thing. Emotions can be an evil thing sometimes. Or maybe it was just a hormonal thing! :)

wheels
11-22-2006, 08:32 PM
Sometimes there are advantages to being shallow and not opening up. That's why I recommended not drinking. Not because I thought it would lead to the sack. Give yourself no incentive to do anything but be civil.

Thanks for the clarification, 'cause tonight's a night for drinking if there ever was one.


You'd think I'd have all of this relationship/non-relationship stuff down by now.

wheels
11-22-2006, 08:33 PM
That's cool, wheels. You have to remember that. Sometimes it is very-very hard to not get those "old feelings" when that get-back-together-thing happens. It might have just been me or it might just be a human nature thing. Emotions can be an evil thing sometimes. Or maybe it was just a hormonal thing! :)

Pheramones stink.

Falls City Beer
11-22-2006, 08:48 PM
Thanks for the clarification, 'cause tonight's a night for drinking if there ever was one.


You'd think I'd have all of this relationship/non-relationship stuff down by now.

And maybe that advice doesn't mean a thing to you: it's just that I've been known to go all David Allan Coe when I'm drunk and say a bunch of things I regret later. Some things so embarrassing that even today they make me want to gouge out my eyes and replace them with gobstoppers.

Ltlabner
11-22-2006, 08:50 PM
Don't drink.

More importantly, don't call her after you've been drinking. Bad, bad, idea. Juan Piere for long term contract bad.

Ltlabner
11-22-2006, 08:52 PM
I'm just trying to avoid the spiteful backbiting that can materialize.

Now that the "air has been cleared" so to speak, my experience has been that moving on and living your life is the best way to avoid spiteful backbiting. You got your mess off your chest so things wern't left un-resolved, leave it at that.

Trying to "be a nice guy" or "just be friends" is a perfect way to invite those spitful, backbiting problems. You ended on a nice note. Leave it at that and move on.

Matt700wlw
11-22-2006, 08:53 PM
And maybe that advice doesn't mean a thing to you: it's just that I've been known to go all David Allan Coe when I'm drunk and say a bunch of things I regret later. Some things so embarrassing that even today they make me want to gouge out my eyes and replace them with gobstoppers.

Jack Daniels, if you please...

:)

MWM
11-22-2006, 08:58 PM
I think the phone call was sufficient. If you have no desire to get back with her, don't go out just the two of you. It's a recipe for disaster. Anytime you're with someone exclusively for that long a time period, there's inevitably certain emotions that will resurface seeing each other in the flesh under amiable circumstances. Intellectually, you think you can contextualize them and not let them get to you, but something about being in the presence of someone who has that much history with you changes things and it will be difficult to control those emotions.

Honestly, I'd just avoid it altogether.

Blimpie
11-22-2006, 09:11 PM
What's a record?

Matt700wlw
11-22-2006, 09:21 PM
I have records...and a record player....

I'm serious. It's so cool :)

pedro
11-22-2006, 10:13 PM
I have records...and a record player....

I'm serious. It's so cool :)


I do too but they're all boxed up. I've inherited a lot of stray albums through the years.

Anybody need a copy of Brian Auger and the Oblivion Express?

How 'bout some Wishbone Ash?

Don't be shy ;)

pedro
11-22-2006, 10:15 PM
Oh, and you're getting some good advice Wheels. If you don't want back with don't go out solo with her.

Matt700wlw
11-22-2006, 10:22 PM
I do too but they're all boxed up. I've inherited a lot of stray albums through the years.

Anybody need a copy of Brian Auger and the Oblivion Express?

How 'bout some Wishbone Ash?

Don't be shy ;)



Mine's my parents....it was boxed up.

I unboxed it.....their records too....lots of cool stuff they used to listen too

vaticanplum
11-22-2006, 11:14 PM
More importantly, don't call her after you've been drinking. Bad, bad, idea. Juan Piere for long term contract bad.

:lol:

When FCB recommended not drinking, my first thought was, well go ahead and drink, but keep your friends with you and have them take away your phone. I'm sure that cell phones have saved a life here and there, but the amount of relationships destroyed makes that whole emergency-life-saving thing almost not seem worth it.

You're probably getting plastered as I type this, wheels, and I wish I had advice for you but all I can think of first are questions. Why did you really feel you wanted to call her in the first place? If it was a good conversation, why did you decide to get together? Because it was casual enough that it felt friendly, or out of a sense of obligation or worry for her, or because maybe there's a part of you that wants a girlfriend again and she's the last one you remember? And I know you swear that you have no feelings for her anymore but I have to ask that of you again.

You say that it's "bad to carry around crappy feelings", which is a good attitude to have, I think. But if you left your phone conversation not having crappy feelings, then you've taken care of that and are at perfect liberty to leave it there and keep with your philosophy. The post-conversation part seems to be what is causing you grief, so if you really feel that there are no hard feelings now, why is that the case? Well, you asked that yourself up there. I think you probably know the answer deep down somewhere, but it's getting buried in questions, actually.

I'm going against what a lot of people say here, but if you continue to be this confused, I think it might be worth it TO YOU to see her once. DON'T DRINK. (I would say you can have one drink but one drink is never ever one drink.) I think seeing her once might give you an answer. Either you'll decide you still have feelings for her (doesn't sound likely, but who knows) or she for you (in which case you definitely need to not see her again), or everything will be fine and you'll relax about it and maybe even be friends, or she'll tick you off and you'll be reminded why you broke up and you'll have no desire to see her again. Sometimes bad feelings are good if they keep you away from people who are bad for you. So I do think it might be worth it to see her as you planned. Bear in mind, though, that this advice is coming from a person who had a six-year relationship wherein approximately 185 breakups took place. So while it seems clear to me that seeing her again could take care of everything one way or another, I'm quite aware that being in the middle of the situation rather muddles it. That's why I think you should listen to what you really know. Oh, instincts, they're called.

With regard to tonight, though: seriously, dude, chill out about that. She called and asked if you had plans for THAT NIGHT. If she's abrupt for that reason then she's unreasonable, if you're worried about her being abrupt then you should know that there's nothing you can do to change someone that unreasonable, and if you read that as abrupt when she really wasn't at all then you are too easily worried and actually probably should drink more. Heed, heed the greatest advice of life: you cannot change other people. Change comes only from within. So listen to what you have to do here and do it, and whatever results from that will at least be something you've come by honestly. Remember that you are OUT of this relationship because it was causing you grief so any grief that comes from it now needs to be stopped before it gets a chance to start. I'm not saying that it automatically will be grief-addled, but I think you need to recognize whether it has that potential pretty early on.

OldRightHander
11-22-2006, 11:15 PM
That's why I finally gave in and got married 5 years ago. Single life was too confusing. My dating life is much easier now because it's always the same person, every day ends with us in bed, and I never wonder who I'm waking up next to.

vaticanplum
11-22-2006, 11:16 PM
Oh, and to address the other thread going on here, I have only a record player and no working CD player. Because I am that cool. And by "cool" I mean "really freaking broke".

Cedric
11-22-2006, 11:19 PM
Just remember the code. No way you can leave your friends tonight you wimp.

Bros before hoes.

And I'm joking, don't wanna be called a womanizer.

wheels
11-23-2006, 02:56 AM
Oh man....

Thanks everyone for all the advice.

I realized tonight that our whole relationship was based on.....I can't even explain it in one word.

Maybe I was with her because it seemed like she was the only girl that actually understood what I was about.

I collect records. Vinyl records.

I read books that nobody else might understand.

Finally, I had a girl that saw past what I lacked in the looks category, and dug me for who I was as a person.

As it turned out, those very things that I thought were something of value, she trashed at every turn.

Now I see my friends being hit on by girls, while I get ignored, and I wonder if I have any value to a woman at all.

I don't.

Simple as that.

I'm meant to be alone for the rest of my life, and until I can grasp that I won't be happy.

It really stinks being me.

That's what I've learned.

MrCinatit
11-23-2006, 05:49 AM
Seriously, wheels, reading your post reminds me of me several years ago. It just sounds like you are getting hit with the same realization I did, but at a latter age.
It might seem cruel, but there are many of us who are almost born to be outcasts - for whatever reason.
Perhaps we are lacking in the looks category, perhaps we are emotionally stunted, perhaps we are afraid of having someone else invade our private spaces, perhaps we are pickey (or think we are), or all of the above, or something else.
I've been one of those guys, and I've realized it for some 30 years (high school can be a brutal eduction). After many years of brutal rejection, I found it very difficult to open myself up to women - and when some did, I pushed them aside.
When one woman finally did succeed in breaking down that wall, it was wonderful at first, but a remarkable disaster afterwards. It took me a while to get back on my feet again, but once I did - yeah, I built that old wall again.
I'll have the occassional "casual" relationship here and there - but I no longer think I am capable of having a real, solid relationship.
It can be a very lonely path to walk, Wheels - and not one I would recommend for all.


And, as for the other part of the conversation - I believe my vinyle collection numbers in the 700s. Not all of it is good. Anyone fancy a listen to the Osmonds?

Yachtzee
11-23-2006, 09:13 AM
Oh man....

Thanks everyone for all the advice.

I realized tonight that our whole relationship was based on.....I can't even explain it in one word.

Maybe I was with her because it seemed like she was the only girl that actually understood what I was about.

I collect records. Vinyl records.

I read books that nobody else might understand.

Finally, I had a girl that saw past what I lacked in the looks category, and dug me for who I was as a person.

As it turned out, those very things that I thought were something of value, she trashed at every turn.

Now I see my friends being hit on by girls, while I get ignored, and I wonder if I have any value to a woman at all.

I don't.

Simple as that.

I'm meant to be alone for the rest of my life, and until I can grasp that I won't be happy.

It really stinks being me.

That's what I've learned.

Wheels, you have to stop putting the (p-word) on a pedestal.

BUTLER REDSFAN
11-23-2006, 09:23 AM
after reading all this and nothing personal to anyone who drinks but does everyone have to drink to have a good time? It seems this persons whole holiday time will be spent not remembering any of it so whats the point?

GIK
11-23-2006, 09:28 AM
wheels, many of us have been through similar experiences. Trust me...it'll work out in the end. Just have some fun with your buds right now and try not to think about her or what's next...just let it happen.

Falls City Beer
11-23-2006, 10:14 AM
after reading all this and nothing personal to anyone who drinks but does everyone have to drink to have a good time? It seems this persons whole holiday time will be spent not remembering any of it so whats the point?

This is a helpful post.

IowaRed
11-23-2006, 10:22 AM
wheels, many of us have been through similar experiences. Trust me...it'll work out in the end. Just have some fun with your buds right now and try not to think about her or what's next...just let it happen.

Amen, and be thankful that you have the friends around that you can go hang out with. Have fun

wheels
11-23-2006, 10:35 AM
after reading all this and nothing personal to anyone who drinks but does everyone have to drink to have a good time? It seems this persons whole holiday time will be spent not remembering any of it so whats the point?

Yeah that's what it is.

I can only have a good time when I drink.

Miss the point much?

wheels
11-23-2006, 10:45 AM
wheels, many of us have been through similar experiences. Trust me...it'll work out in the end. Just have some fun with your buds right now and try not to think about her or what's next...just let it happen.

That's what I've been doing.

I've never bowled so much in my life.

I can be a little hard on myself, but the truth of the matter is, I get frustrated because I genuinely like who I am.

Sometimes I get frustrated to the point of just throwing my hands in the air, much like I did last night.

I just keep hearing from people that I'm this great guy, but where are the results?

Then again, I think...Wow, I've been with some kick arsed women over the years, and that's pretty cool in itself.

Would I have wanted to be married to any of them right now?

The answer is a resounding NO.

I just get a little yippy sometimes, I guess.

Falls City Beer
11-23-2006, 11:22 AM
I just keep hearing from people that I'm this great guy, but where are the results?



It's not about results, I don't think. Relationships are nothing but timing. No, I don't mean timing in the sense of "did I catch the train in time to meet the woman of my dreams," I mean timing as in "are we going to similar places at similar times in our lives?" Nearly 100% of the time, even with the best chemistry on earth, the answer to that question is No.

So, truthfully, it's not you. You've got the goods. It's timing. Ask yourself what you want out of life and move in the circles that facilitate that.

And have confidence.

wheels
11-23-2006, 11:28 AM
It's not about results, I don't think. Relationships are nothing but timing. No, I don't mean timing in the sense of "did I catch the train in time to meet the woman of my dreams," I mean timing as in "are we going to similar places at similar times in our lives?" Nearly 100% of the time, even with the best chemistry on earth, the answer to that question is No.

So, truthfully, it's not you. You've got the goods. It's timing. Ask yourself what you want out of life and move in the circles that facilitate that.

And have confidence.


Makes sense.

I think I'm just going through so many changes right now, that my head's spinning.

I've been working out like a wildman and I've lost something like 30% of my body fat, I'm going to be selling the shop soon and moving on to another career, I've had this breakup thing.

I can't fight the cosmos, but sometimes I feel like giving it a try.

Times like these make all of those records I listen to actually mean something.

Falls City Beer
11-23-2006, 11:35 AM
I can't fight the cosmos, but sometimes I feel like giving it a try.


No question. Change yourself, your mind, your career, your ambitions as often and as doggedly as you can. Have a great project. The good things in life, including relationships, follow suit.

RANDY IN INDY
11-23-2006, 11:45 AM
This is a helpful post.

It could be, but it's usually all about the journey that it takes to get there that makes it worth something. Drinking that compliments and doesn't dominate can be a great thing. Moderation.

Wheels, I hope you realize that what you have to offer is unique and special. Don't ever think otherwise. You'll find someone special to share your life with, although it sometimes ends up being someone that you may never have imagined. Don't stop looking, but that person may end up finding you, not you finding them. :beerme:

Falls City Beer
11-23-2006, 11:52 AM
It could be, but it's usually all about the journey that it takes to get there that makes it worth something. Drinking that compliments and doesn't dominate can be a great thing. Moderation.
:

I think it's fair to say that what Butler had to offer wasn't exactly in the spirit of recommendation or advice, but chastisement.

You can tell because he prefaced it with: "I mean no offense..."

Yeah, sure.

RFS62
11-23-2006, 11:54 AM
You have to crash and burn a few times to know what you really want.

I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who didn't have to go through that, but in my experience, they're in the minority.

You find out what you can and can't live with in a person. The more distance you put between you and the bad relationships you go through, the easier it is to view them objectively and try to learn from the experience.

The only people who don't make mistakes are people who never do anything. Life is made to be lived. It's messy and painful sometimes, but as you grow older, the experiences you go through help to define you and make you stronger.


When you do meet the person you were meant to be with, you'll appreciate it more. And it can't be rushed.

vaticanplum
11-23-2006, 12:06 PM
I can be a little hard on myself, but the truth of the matter is, I get frustrated because I genuinely like who I am.

Then you will be fine.

I think FCB is dead-on in what he says about timing (and this all goes for you too Mr Cinatit (and Mr Cinatit, I never really read your name until now.) ) There's nothing "about" you that will appeal to the female population at large. There are many little things about you that will compliment many little things about someone else at some point if you meet her at the right time. I think it's a long lesson to learn, but good relationships are not based on having the same interests as somebody else, and they certainly aren't based on looks. You may meet some girl who's never seen a record in her life and whose primary interest is collecting My Little Ponies, and that girl may really love who you are and what you believe in, and respect what you want out of life and want to help you get there.

And that is timing. You don't typically look for these people and find them (though I do believe people are more ready for relationships at certain times than others, and that they have more control over when that happens than they believe). Just have a good life. Spend time with the people you love, do the things you like to do, learn the things you want to learn, and you will be happy. Happy people attract other happy people. So you will be the best version of yourself if you do meet somebody, and if you don't, you will be happy anyway. Happy happy joy joy.

Matt700wlw
11-23-2006, 12:13 PM
Oh, and to address the other thread going on here, I have only a record player and no working CD player. Because I am that cool. And by "cool" I mean "really freaking broke".

Records rule :D

The authenticity of them can't be beat.

BUTLER REDSFAN
11-23-2006, 12:14 PM
[QUOTE=Falls City Beer;1198252]I think it's fair to say that what Butler had to offer wasn't exactly in the spirit of recommendation or advice, but chastisement.

You can tell because he prefaced it with: "I mean no offense..."

Yeah, sure.

falls city,thank you for reading my mind for me today. I wasn't chastising this person. He had a relationship that went sour,had a nice sort of kiss and make up conversation with her. She then asked for a get together of some sort with him. He declined to due a "embibe a thon" as he called it. He then is questioning basically if he should feel bad over this..did i miss something??

wheels
11-23-2006, 12:35 PM
[QUOTE=Falls City Beer;1198252]I think it's fair to say that what Butler had to offer wasn't exactly in the spirit of recommendation or advice, but chastisement.

You can tell because he prefaced it with: "I mean no offense..."

Yeah, sure.

falls city,thank you for reading my mind for me today. I wasn't chastising this person. He had a relationship that went sour,had a nice sort of kiss and make up conversation with her. She then asked for a get together of some sort with him. He declined to due a "embibe a thon" as he called it. He then is questioning basically if he should feel bad over this..did i miss something??


The way I see it, you had a problem with the embibe a thon, so you felt the need to gimme that tired old line we all heard in high school a million times.

I'm glad you're of a higher moral fiber, but there's a time and place for everything.

Reds Nd2
11-23-2006, 07:47 PM
Nm

ochre
11-23-2006, 09:02 PM
neato?

Dude.

Man card now.

Just turn it in....


:)

ochre
11-23-2006, 09:04 PM
of course, I came into the conversation late, and that was my first impression from your first post and all, but.

sac up dude. you'll be alright. Sometimes it just takes time.

(beers are speaking for me, so, you know...)