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GAC
01-24-2007, 09:21 AM
Anyone remember that old Art Linkletter show? ;)

I thought it would be a good topic for a thread where any of us with kids, and who still have their sanity, might want to relate situations with their kids that were rather funny and amusing.

And to those that don't have kids, but wish to some day, please don't let this thread, or anything you might read, discourage you from having kids. :mooner:

Heath
01-24-2007, 08:08 PM
I think it's got to be more fun for GAC's kids to tell people what GAC did to himself, rather than vise-versa.

:laugh:

Ltlabner
01-24-2007, 08:11 PM
I think it's got to be more fun for GAC's kids to tell people what GAC did to himself, rather than vise-versa.

:laugh:

My daddy can fall out of a bigger tree than your daddy!

redsmetz
01-24-2007, 08:36 PM
Funny you should bring up this topic. My wife and son and I went up to Chipotle for dinner tonight and in walks our oldest daughter. When giving her a lift home, we were talking about a chair we had in the corner called the "time out" chair. One time my wife overheard putting her doll on the chair saying, "And you just sit there and think about it". Ouch!

My youngest brother when he was a little tyke crawled up on the couch when my mom was taking a nap and said, "Kiss me, baby, nothing makes me sick!" - that was a long running joke in our family.

RANDY IN INDY
01-24-2007, 08:46 PM
My son was in the Dr.'s office last spring, with a really bad ear infection. The Dr. came in and looked in Matt's ear and asked me if I would like to see it. I looked, and it was nasty. Dr. said he should be in tears it was so bad, but Matt was only worried about whether he was going to get to play in his baseball game, the following Saturday and due to having so many ear infections, his pain tolerance is quite high.

The Doc handed Matt the tool that he used to look in the ear and asked him, "Matt, do you know how to use one of these things?"

Without hesitation, Matt looked up at him and said, "No, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night."

We both looked at each other as if to say, "Did he really just say that," and then both cracked up. Funny moment.

GAC
01-25-2007, 09:54 AM
I think it's got to be more fun for GAC's kids to tell people what GAC did to himself, rather than vise-versa.

:laugh:

I'm very good at showing them how not to do certain things. It's quite the opposite of live and learn around here. But I must say I've never had any incidents involving electricity...... yet. ;)

My youngest is now 11; but when he was in 1st grade he came home with an interesting surprise in his book bag. My wife, whenever the kids got home from school, always went through the book bags to check for homework, notes from teachers, etc. I was in lying on the couch when I hear this "GREG GET IN HERE!!!"

So I go in and she hands me this sandwich baggie and asks me what I think this is? I look at it, and then smell it, and tell her it's pot (which she obviously already knew). So she calls my son in and asks him where he got this. He tells us that one of the girls in his class was handing these baggies out to alot of the kids in school. My son had no idea what it was. So I told my wife we need to call the Principal and have him investigate this situation.

It seems this little girl was simply mimicking what she saw her parents do on a regular basis - friends would come over to the house, and the little girl watched as Mommy and Daddy would give these baggies to their friends. So the little girl felt that it would be a great way to also make friends at school. She had no idea what she was handing out.

Anyway - after I confirmed my wife's suspicions I went back in to lie down. A short bit later I start to smell something. And I realize what it is too. So I walk back into the kitchen and my wife had taken the cardboard center out of a roll of toilet paper, some aluminum foil, and made her a pipe. Who says our generation wasn't innovative? I said "What are you doing?" And she said she was making sure it was really pot before she called the Principal and made an issue out of it. She then tries to hand the pipe to me and I tell her "No Thanks. I did more then enough of that 30 years ago. Besides, we'll know for sure when you make me take a road trip to Krogers for you later to get a 2 litre bottle of Moutain Dew, and a case of Hostess Ding Dongs." :lol:

Meanwhile the little girl's parents were probably paranoid over trying to figure out whose been breaking into their stash... only to find out it was their daughter!

oneupper
01-25-2007, 10:15 AM
My eldest daughter (now 16 at the time like 8) used to like to play little trivia games to show how smart she was (and we liked to show her off..also).

So we're talking at dinner and somehow the Mona Lisa comes up. So I decide to prod her a bit.

I ask: "Where's the Mona Lisa?"

She says "In the Louvre!"

I ask: "Where's the Louvre?"

She says: "In Paris!"

I ask: "Where's Paris?"

She says: "In France!"

I ask: "Ok...a hard one. Who painted the Mona Lisa?"

A confused look comes over her face...but she has it on the tip of her tongue.

So I say "Leonaardoooo......"

She screams "DI CAPRIO!!!" loud so the neighbors could hear.

My wife and I were laughing for at least 10 minutes before we could go on with dinner.

15fan
01-25-2007, 10:51 AM
My 3 year old is potty trained, but occasionally needs some help with some of the tidying up activities after the bodily processes are completed.

Before the holidays we had some folks over, and the kiddo needed to go to the bathroom. She used the downstairs bathroom, which isn't far from the part of the house where the guests were. When she was finished, she yelled for my wife to come help her. No problem. So my wife went in, pulled a hunk of toilet paper, and started to clean up the kid.

Evidently, my wife was tidying up the wrong part of the anatomy, because the kid yelled at the top of her lungs "Don't wipe my cornhole, Mommy! Just my coochie!"

And then there was the time that the kiddo & I were running errands. While we were at Home Depot, she had to drop a deuce. We found the men's room, and several of the stalls were occupied. We found one that wasn't, and she went to work, with plenty of grunting. When she was done, she turned around and looked in the bowl. Without hesitation, she blurted out "Oh! A big one!" I've never heard as much laughter in a men's room in all my life.

I've also had to explain on multiple occasions my kid's proclamation that I'm the daddy because I have "a peanut".

Dom Heffner
01-25-2007, 11:56 AM
Meanwhile the little girl's parents were probably paranoid over trying to figure out whose been breaking into their stash... only to find out it was their daughter!

They were probably paranoid, anyway. :)

My cousin and I went out to dinner with his little girl one night at TGIF's. We were into a pretty deep conversation when we noticed little Sara turned completely around in her chair and having a conversation with two complete strangers seated at the table behind us:

"And then I took the crayons and drew all over the wall and when Mommy saw it, I got in big trouble. I am never going to do that again."

She, of course, was describing the incident where she came down the stairs, a step at a time, with a crayon pressed to the wall the entire way down.

You could tell she felt awful about it- and what better way to get rid of the guilt than to confess her sins to people eating at Fridays?

Red Leader
01-25-2007, 12:13 PM
We were at church this past Sunday. It was about the middle of mass, maybe a little after that. Everyone had put their "kneelers" back up into position. The priest was blessing the offering. Someone's "kneeler" fell back to the ground and made a very loud noise. My youngest (3) says "What the HELL was that?" The whole place was silent when he said that. Everyone within 10 rows of us was cracking up laughing.

We had a little talk with him, and my Dad from whom he learned this funny little phrase, after church.

HotCorner
01-25-2007, 12:23 PM
My oldest (almost 4) has given us several in his short time.

A couple of months ago he was on the phone with his Papa (my dad) telling him what he wanted for Christmas.

"Hotwheel scooter," he kept saying into the phone. Apparently Papa could not understand so Logan getting frustrated pulls the phone away from his ear then looks at the phone as says slowly "scoo ... ter."

The wife and I could not stop laughing.

The other memorable story was from a couple of years ago. Logan was just learning to talk so some of his sounds were not correct. For example, he had a problem with the word truck - it would always come out as the four-letter word. Thus whenever he would try to say truck, no matter where we were, the wife and I would always be quick to add, "Yes that is a TRUCK!"

Well one Sunday morning we met my parents, my brother, my sister in-law and my niece for breakfast at First Watch. After we had eaten, Logan wanted to tell Papa and Mom-mom his new word. So he gets down from his seat and walks over to them and yells out, "dumb f*ck!" The wifre and I quickly add "Yes, DUMP TRUCK!"

redsmetz
01-25-2007, 01:14 PM
I forgot about this one, but I just shared it elsewhere:

My son who is now 18 had to write a Mother's Day card when he was about seven or eight. He wrote, among other things, you are as pretty as a freshly cut baseball field. His teacher was also a baseball fan (whose dad had worked as an usher at Reds games!) and she wrote on there, that is high praise indeed.

I also remember my wife telling me about being at the grocery story with one of our daughters around the age when they're learning about themselves and bodies and realizing how men and women are different. They're riding along when she blurted out, "Mom, Mr. Rogers has a penis!". Yikes!

Roy Tucker
01-25-2007, 02:55 PM
Last night, my one daughter told the other one "you're such a numb chuck".

SunDeck
01-25-2007, 03:00 PM
Last night, my one daughter told the other one "you're such a numb chuck".

You sure she didn't call her a dump truck?

SunDeck
01-25-2007, 03:05 PM
A friend's son wanted to know what the crucifix was that hangs in church. He explained that it was used it to pray and to talk to God.

The kid said, "Is it hooked up to a speaker?"

pedro
01-25-2007, 03:05 PM
I asked my friend's son why he didn't drink milk and he told me that "milk makes boogers"

Roy Tucker
01-25-2007, 03:13 PM
You sure she didn't call her a dump truck?

Pretty sure.

Because at first, I thought she said "dumb <really bad word>" which caused my dad radar to go onto high power scan and the reply "*what* did you say?"

redsmetz
01-25-2007, 03:22 PM
Pretty sure.

Because at first, I thought she said "dumb <really bad word>" which caused my dad radar to go onto high power scan and the reply "*what* did you say?"

My youngest brother is about 14 years younger than me. When he was about two, I dropped the word you thought you heard, which my brother repeated. It took me a couple of minutes to get the word "duck" in his head before letting him toddle off to mom.

gonelong
01-25-2007, 03:22 PM
A few months before my son turned 3 we were in church. Sometime during the mass he whispers to me, "Daddy, you said this is God's house, right?"
Me whispering: "Yes".
Him whispering: "So that means Jesus lives here too?"
Me whispering: "Yes"
Him not whispering: "Jesus has four ceiling fans!"

My wife listens to the Beatles quite a bit. Yesterday I heard my boy (barely 3) singing "Yellow Submarine" ... all of it, word for word.

GL

redsmetz
01-25-2007, 03:26 PM
My wife listens to the Beatles quite a bit. Yesterday I heard my boy (barely 3) singing "Yellow Submarine" ... all of it, word for word.

When my younger daughter was about four, my youngest sister was getting married and she asked me to sing the Ave Maria at the wedding. So I was going around practicing it even singing it to her at bedtime. My wife goes to pick her up at pre-school at a nearby Presbyterian church and the teacher told her our daughter had sung the entire Ave Maria to them in Latin.
Ah-vay Ma-wee-ah. I can still hear it now.

Roy Tucker
01-25-2007, 03:36 PM
My youngest brother is about 14 years younger than me. When he was about two, I dropped the word you thought you heard, which my brother repeated. It took me a couple of minutes to get the word "duck" in his head before letting him toddle off to mom.

When I questioned my daughter on what she said, her reply was "I swear on my grandma's eyelids".

Which baffled me so much as to what the heck that meant, I just stopped. Which, in retrospect, might have been her goal.

Red Leader
01-25-2007, 03:48 PM
My wife listens to the Beatles quite a bit. Yesterday I heard my boy (barely 3) singing "Yellow Submarine" ... all of it, word for word.

GL

Our youngest, also 3, sings "Ring of Fire." He knows every single word to that song and loves singing it. It's funny to hear a Johnny Cash song sung in a 3 year old voice.

UKFlounder
01-25-2007, 03:50 PM
My wife listens to the Beatles quite a bit. Yesterday I heard my boy (barely 3) singing "Yellow Submarine" ... all of it, word for word.

GL

My 4 year old nephew will occasionally belt out "save a horse, ride a cowboy" :laugh:

It's funny to hear him try to sing "Ring of Fire" or say "Hello, I'm Johnny Cash."

UKFlounder
01-25-2007, 03:51 PM
Our youngest, also 3, sings "Ring of Fire." He knows every single word to that song and loves singing it. It's funny to hear a Johnny Cash song sung in a 3 year old voice.

Yes it is. :laugh:

SunDeck
01-25-2007, 04:10 PM
Pretty sure.

Because at first, I thought she said "dumb <really bad word>" which caused my dad radar to go onto high power scan and the reply "*what* did you say?"
Roger that. My dad radar kicks in whever I here "uck".

RFS62
01-25-2007, 04:14 PM
When I was 3, I set my babysitters hair on fire.

Can't remember what I said, though.

SunDeck
01-25-2007, 04:15 PM
When my younger daughter was about four, my youngest sister was getting married and she asked me to sing the Ave Maria at the wedding. So I was going around practicing it even singing it to her at bedtime. My wife goes to pick her up at pre-school at a nearby Presbyterian church and the teacher told her our daughter had sung the entire Ave Maria to them in Latin.
Ah-vay Ma-wee-ah. I can still hear it now.

My wife said she spent a lot of time as a kid trying to figure out who "Gladly, the cross eyed bear" was. Evidently, this is a line in a hymn they sang at church...

BuckWoody
01-25-2007, 06:01 PM
My 8-year old called me up at work the other day when the Johnathan Joseph story broke. She said, "Daddy, did you hear about what the Bengal did? I'm gonna go down there and kick him in the nuts!" I was too busy trying not to laugh out loud to correct her.

There is an old Ohio State song called "I Wanna Go Back to Ohio State" that we have on an OSU Marching Band CD. It has the lyric "And when we win the game we'll buy a keg of booze, and we'll drink to old Ohio 'til we wobble in our shoes". My girls have always sung it as ""And when we win the game we'll buy a kangaroo...".

TeamCasey
01-25-2007, 06:32 PM
Boy just told me boogers taste like chicken.

SunDeck
01-25-2007, 09:23 PM
Boy just told me boogers taste like chicken.

Then what do chicken boogers taste like?

My daughter was eating chocolate covered pretzels this evening. She said,

"Dad! These are so good my head's going to pop off!"

:dunno:

GAC
01-25-2007, 09:35 PM
My 3 year old is potty trained, but occasionally needs some help with some of the tidying up activities after the bodily processes are completed.

Before the holidays we had some folks over, and the kiddo needed to go to the bathroom. She used the downstairs bathroom, which isn't far from the part of the house where the guests were. When she was finished, she yelled for my wife to come help her. No problem. So my wife went in, pulled a hunk of toilet paper, and started to clean up the kid.

Evidently, my wife was tidying up the wrong part of the anatomy, because the kid yelled at the top of her lungs "Don't wipe my cornhole, Mommy! Just my coochie!"

And then there was the time that the kiddo & I were running errands. While we were at Home Depot, she had to drop a deuce. We found the men's room, and several of the stalls were occupied. We found one that wasn't, and she went to work, with plenty of grunting. When she was done, she turned around and looked in the bowl. Without hesitation, she blurted out "Oh! A big one!" I've never heard as much laughter in a men's room in all my life.

I've also had to explain on multiple occasions my kid's proclamation that I'm the daddy because I have "a peanut".

When my oldest boy, who is now 18, was 4 years old, he had trouble properly wiping himself after #2. One day we were at the local KFC for dinner. My son needs to go the bathroom, and since it was well in view of our table I said go ahead and go.

About 10 minutes later the door flies open, my son is standing there in the doorway with his pants down around his ankles and yells "HEY! I NEED HELP IN HERE!" :mooner:

GAC
01-25-2007, 09:44 PM
We were at church this past Sunday. It was about the middle of mass, maybe a little after that. Everyone had put their "kneelers" back up into position. The priest was blessing the offering. Someone's "kneeler" fell back to the ground and made a very loud noise. My youngest (3) says "What the HELL was that?" The whole place was silent when he said that. Everyone within 10 rows of us was cracking up laughing.

LMAO.... that's hilarious! What's a parent to do in those situations?

In our church we like to get the kids involved somewhat so every Sunday they chose a different child to come up front and read the selected scripture.

My daughter, who was ten at the time, was reading a passage that mentioned the word hell 2-3 times. Every time my daughter got to that word she said "heck". Everybody in the church broke out laughing!


We had a little talk with him, and my Dad from whom he learned this funny little phrase, after church.

It should only be used during Red's pre-games and after seeing Narron's lineups. ;)

GAC
01-25-2007, 09:49 PM
A few months before my son turned 3 we were in church. Sometime during the mass he whispers to me, "Daddy, you said this is God's house, right?"
Me whispering: "Yes".
Him whispering: "So that means Jesus lives here too?"
Me whispering: "Yes"
Him not whispering: "Jesus has four ceiling fans!"

My wife listens to the Beatles quite a bit. Yesterday I heard my boy (barely 3) singing "Yellow Submarine" ... all of it, word for word.

GL

Reminds me of the story where the grandparents took their young grandson to church one Christmas to see the live Nativity play. They were seated up in the balcony because the boy was rather unruly and they wanted to be somewhat separated.

So they begin the play, and they start bringing in the wild animals one by one, then the shepherds come down the aisle. The boy is hardly paying attention is being very hyper. The grandma shhhh's the boy and says here comes the King. It gets the little boy's attention, he jumps up, runs, looks over the railing and says..."That's Elvis??" :lol:

GAC
01-25-2007, 09:52 PM
Roger that. My dad radar kicks in whever I here "uck".

The closest my teens get is the constant use of the word "friggin". I actually hate that word.

SunDeck
01-26-2007, 08:37 AM
The closest my teens get is the constant use of the word "friggin". I actually hate that word.

That's entry level cussing.

When I was about twelve, I decided I'd start using some four letter words around the house. I tried it in front of my dad and he just told me flat out,
"You know son, that sounds really stupid, coming from your mouth."

That was it. Cured. Immediately.

flyer85
01-26-2007, 01:11 PM
My two nephews (then must have been about 9 and 5) were visiting my parents. They lived out in a somewhat rural area with a treeline along their backyard and their dad how showed them when they needed to relieve themselves they could go into the treeline and take a whizz. They were outside at my parents and my dad and myself were watching out the side window of the lower floor of their bi-level(window at ground level). My oldest nephew runs up gets really close to a bush and starts to go, it took a few seconds to figure out what he was doing because he was being as discreet as possible. Just as he finishes his young brother comes running up. He stops about 2 feet short of the bush and pushes his underwear and pants down to his ankles and pulls his shirt up to his neck(my sister would tell me he would change all of his clothes if he dribbled on himself). He then starts peeing on the bush in a high arcing stream. My Dad and I are laughing so hard we are almost crying when young Andrew spots us watching and laughing. He simply makes a face and sticks out his tongue while continuing his business.

Red Leader
01-26-2007, 01:19 PM
On a similar theme, my parents have a pool in their backyard. My Dad lets the boys jump out of the pool and go on the bushes in his backyard if they have to relieve themselves, rather than forcing them to go inside to the air conditioned house to the bathroom (my wife hates this).

My youngest jumped out of the pool last summer and yells "watch this" to my Dad. He proceeded to let a high, arcing stream flow over the bush onto the side of their house. I walk out the back door at the same time and see this occur. I tell him to calm it down and to go on the bush and not shoot it over the bush onto the house.

My Dad looks over and says "Let him go, I'm enjoying watching it. I wish I had that kind of pressure to do that. That's amazing. I'm lucky if I don't dribble on myself these days." I busted out laughing, but then thought, *man* I'm not too far away from those days myself.

Sean_CaseyRules
01-26-2007, 03:17 PM
I have a little cousin who had toe surgery and they gave her medication that made her feel loopy, and the nurse asked doctor, "What kind of dressing should be on the cuts?" My cousin outta nowhere said, "Ranch!!" I thought it was hilarious!

sonny
01-27-2007, 04:21 AM
Our sixteem month old loves emulating animals and noises cars make etc..
one day, while feeing him, I said what does a cow say?

"moooooo"

What does a sheep say?

"baaaabaaaaa"

what does a gorilla say?

"oooooh ooooooh" (while beating his chest)

then Just for kicks, I asked him: what does mommy say?

"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"

vaticanplum
01-27-2007, 02:36 PM
I LOVE the church stories...I think my favorite little-kid story ever regards my cousin in church when she was 3, which combines my favorite, church stories and small children embarrassing their parents stories. Suburban-raised, she was a little sheltered, to say the least, and of course very young. Well, in church one sunday, their family was sitting across the aisle from a black family. My cousin spotted them, and in the middle of service, in a dead silent church apart from the priest, screamed out excitedly, "Look, Mom! The Jeffersons!!!"

On a similar note, a couple of years ago I was at the beach with my cousin and her kids. The middle one (youngest at the time) was two and a half then and was in the midst of a phase of being fascinated by breasts. He loved them. My cousin was pretty laid-back about this so he talked about breasts, no big deal. He also, for the first few years of his life, hilariously and inexpicably, referred to himself in the third person (Sam is hungry; will you take Sam to the beach?; etc.)

So we're sitting at the beach and the boys are playing nearby. All of a sudden Sam runs up to a very overweight man in swim trunks and starts talking to him. We watch carefully, because they're close enough that we can keep an eye on them but too far to really hear what they're saying. Sam is very cute and friendly and we can see that he's asking the man questions. Suddenly, Sam reaches up and makes a grab for the man's chest, one hand per thing. My cousin is mortified (I, unhelpfully, was trying very hard not to laugh) and stands up to go get him and apologize, but right them Sam comes running over shouting, "He said they are manboobs, Mama!! Sam likes man-boobs!!" He was so elated at the possibility that he, too, might one day be able to have them after being told so many times that they were only for girls. It was incredible. Luckily, the man seemed to be very good-natured about it.

Chip R
01-27-2007, 05:16 PM
Boy just told me boogers taste like chicken.

My older niece was in my mom's car over Xmas. Mom was driving, I was in the front seat and my younger nephew and her were in the back. They were talking about something weird and what it tastes like and my niece said, "It tastes like chicken." I thought it was funnier that she knew the joke than what she said.

GAC
01-27-2007, 09:29 PM
Boy just told me boogers taste like chicken.

My wife's chicken tastes like boogers. :mooner: