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15fan
12-19-2007, 10:49 AM
Christmas means many things to many people. I'm in the phase of life where Christmas means...

Some Assembly Required.

I'm not a terribly handy guy. Never have been, and likely never will be.

So my question to folks out there is this:

What's the first thing that goes through your mind when you hear those three words?

durl
12-19-2007, 10:51 AM
"It will take FAR longer than I anticipate."

Actually, I keep in mind the joy my kids will have and that makes it ok.

MrCinatit
12-19-2007, 10:51 AM
"They guys at the factory weren't able to put it together...so good luck with all that."

Blimpie
12-19-2007, 10:58 AM
Starting your assembly projects at midnight always makes things interesting.......

Chip R
12-19-2007, 11:03 AM
I look at it as a challenge. I'm usually pretty good at figuring those things out although I don't get much practice anymore.

RFS62
12-19-2007, 11:04 AM
I advise mass quantities of good hard liquor

BuckWoody
12-19-2007, 11:19 AM
I once assembled one of those kids Jeeps in my basement during a showing of It's a Wonderful Life. It took the entire movie for me to complete it. The look on the girls faces on Christmas morning was priceless though...it was one of the most used, most loved Christmas presents we...err...I mean, Santa... ever got them. They still use it, althought they're getting a bit big for it.

That's the first thing that pops into my head when I hear "some assembly required". It's a very good memory. :)

HotCorner
12-19-2007, 11:26 AM
"Some my a$$!" ;)

It's like the technical writer that wrote the directions/instructions has a warped sense of humor.

macro
12-19-2007, 11:44 AM
I actually love assembling things and have since I was a very young child. The more parts it has, the better I like it. Call me weird.

It is frustrating when the directions are poorly written, though.

RichRed
12-19-2007, 12:10 PM
For me, Some Assembly Required equates to Excessive Profanity Inevitable.

cumberlandreds
12-19-2007, 12:13 PM
When I see these three dreaded words I know it's going to be a bad evening and that I am going get very frustrated and angry.

SunDeck
12-19-2007, 01:03 PM
It's not the assembly I hate- it's trying to make sense of the directions written by some guy in China.

gonelong
12-19-2007, 01:27 PM
I actually love assembling things and have since I was a very young child. The more parts it has, the better I like it. Call me weird.

It is frustrating when the directions are poorly written, though.


I love it too, bring it on. I generally don't bother with the instructions unless I think there is a decenct chance for me to screw something up.

Christmas morning I bring my toolbox in with me and set it beside the couch.

Mrs. Gonelong prepares by keeping a list of batteries that will be needed and stocking up on them. The boy is 4 this year. I suggested we wrap all the batteries and stuff that far under the tree. When the boy is opening gifts we'd keep telling him that it takes batteries and that we don't have any. Then, the last present he opens from Santa is a whole pile of batteries to run everything he just opened. I think he'd think Santa was pretty cool at that point. :cool:

She thinks is a bit too much for a 4 year old. :)

GL

redhawkfish
12-19-2007, 01:45 PM
True story! My wife and I had just moved to a new house when my two year old daughter(she is now thirteen) brought me a srewdriver, and said "Daddy, here's your dammit!" I started to watch my language a little more then!:D

KronoRed
12-19-2007, 02:26 PM
I actually love assembling things and have since I was a very young child. The more parts it has, the better I like it. Call me weird.

It is frustrating when the directions are poorly written, though.

Same here, no directions can be a an adventure, who knows what you will end up building :D

edabbs44
12-19-2007, 02:36 PM
http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/hss/514262012.html

gm
12-19-2007, 08:52 PM
It's not the assembly I hate- it's trying to make sense of the directions written by some guy in China.

"real men don't need destructions!"

Blimpie
12-20-2007, 08:47 AM
Blimpie's Worst-Ever Christmas Eve Assembly Line Experiences:

Barbie Cruise Line Ship: Four full pages of stickers; none larger than dime-sized. Had to install approximately $212 in batteries before it was operational.

Bratz Pad Condo: If this were rent-controlled and I were 6" tall, I might consider living in this one. Complete nightmare to assemble. It had what appeared to be a stripper pole and a wet bar (sodas only).

He-Man Castle: It came with a freaking elevator that probably should have had a permit inspection before I allowed it to be used. For this reason, Skeletor was at a decided advantage because of the limited escape routes that He-Man enjoyed.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Underground Lair: Tons of spring-loaded trap doors and sewer pipes that had to be connected to the walls for "ambiance." Repelling lines...grappling hooks...pivoting sofas....need I say more?

15fan
12-20-2007, 09:22 AM
good stuff, blimp.

a couple of years ago, i put together an all-in-one kitchen set for my then 1 year-old. stove/oven/fridge/freezer/microwave/sink in a single unit. knew i was in for a rough go of it when it took me 1.5 hours to simply unpack and unwrap all of the parts. really knew i was in for it when i started putting in the first screw. halfway in, the thing snapped. in total, there was about 8 hours of assembly time, as well as multiple trips to the hardware store to replace parts that were no good.

then on christmas morning, my daughter walked into the living room, looked at the kitchen for a few seconds, and promptly walked right back out. not quite the reaction that i was hoping for.

Roy Tucker
12-20-2007, 09:53 AM
What's the first thing that goes through your mind when you hear those three words?



"I'm going to need to drink heavily" is my first thought. There have been some fairly hilarious attempted constructions on Christmas Eves fueled by demon rum.

I've always managed to blunder my way through. Sometimes the instructions are good (i.e. written by someone from the USA) and sometimes they are not (written by some foreigner).

Sometimes the instructions are more general guidelines and suggestions and sometimes they are very detailed. Luck of the draw.

If all else fails, just give them the box the toy came in. They'll have more fun with that anyhow.

dfs
12-20-2007, 10:16 AM
I actually love assembling things and have since I was a very young child. The more parts it has, the better I like it. Call me weird.

It is frustrating when the directions are poorly written, though.
....when aren't the directions poorly written?

I was raised in a home where some assembly required was cause for alarm and profanity. When I made my own home I made a concentrated effort that I would not live that way. I've been reasonably successful at it. I'll never be Tom from Tooltime, but I do enjoy the work.

minus5
12-20-2007, 10:30 AM
[QUOTE=Roy Tucker;1521017]"I'm going to need to drink heavily" is my first thought. There have been some fairly hilarious attempted constructions on Christmas Eves fueled by demon rum.

I've always managed to blunder my way through.QUOTE]

Pallie, that sums up every late night Christmas Eve for me. Waaaay too much nog, beer and whatever else at the family Christmas get-together and then I feel that I need another beer or two when I get home and start putting the stuff together, . By then the instructions are a LOT more complicated and my motor skills are a little....off.

KronoRed
12-20-2007, 03:50 PM
He-Man Castle: It came with a freaking elevator that probably should have had a permit inspection before I allowed it to be used. For this reason, Skeletor was at a decided advantage because of the limited escape routes that He-Man enjoyed.


Excellent choice, try putting that together when you're 8 :help:

Blimpie
12-21-2007, 08:20 AM
Excellent choice, try putting that together when you're 8 :help:Are you still in therapy?

rotnoid
12-21-2007, 12:12 PM
As bad as these words are, "batteries not included" strikes more fear in my heart. At least it does now. Last Christmas Santa brought my sons a train set that takes 6 AAA batteries. Unfortunately, my wife and I read it as AA batteries and didn't realize our mistake until roughtly 10:30 on Christmas Eve. After emptying all the AAA's from every remote control in the house that took them, we were still somehow 1 short. I'm not sure if you've ever tried to find batteries at 11 pm on Christmas Eve, but I must say those running the oil industry could learn a thing or two about price gouging from the guy running the Exxon station down street from our house.

Yachtzee
12-21-2007, 04:11 PM
I'm usually pretty good at assembling stuff, so I don't sweat it. The worst is trying to put together those giant plastic contraptions sold by Little Tikes or Step 2. We bought a Jungle Climber for our first born when he was two. What they don't tell you is that it requires two reasonably strong people to assemble. The problem is that you need to push large plastic pieces against each other until they snap together. This can require great deals of force at times. The foreseeable result is that you get 3/4 of the way finished when one of you pushes something the wrong way, causing the entire thing to fall apart so that you have to start over from scratch.

TeamCasey
12-23-2007, 10:36 AM
Little tiny cars with little tiny motors and a hundred little tiny pieces and a kid standing there drooling with anticipation.

No picture on the boxes.

Instructions written by egg nog soaked drunken chinese elves.

I now have a car that runs only in reverse.

I'm not fixing it. ;)

We call it the demolition car.

TeamCasey
12-23-2007, 10:37 AM
BTW, the Radio Flyer wagon is fun to put together, but takes about a six pack.

Much satisfaction upon completion.

TeamCasey
12-23-2007, 10:40 AM
As long as we're on the subject ....... some of these toys have a dozen wires and screws holding them in their packaging.

The kid wants to play with it NOW!

We quickly slip another present in his face to unwrap while Aunt TC frantically deconstructs the packaging.

Each year, we say we'll do that ahead of time.

We never do.

rotnoid
12-23-2007, 12:30 PM
As long as we're on the subject ....... some of these toys have a dozen wires and screws holding them in their packaging.

The kid wants to play with it NOW!

We quickly slip another present in his face to unwrap while Aunt TC frantically deconstructs the packaging.

Each year, we say we'll do that ahead of time.

We never do.


We learned that lesson last year. I'm taking wire cutters to all the Christmas gatherings this time.

TeamCasey
12-23-2007, 12:46 PM
Yeah, I have a little Christmas toolkit by my side. :)

Dom Heffner
12-23-2007, 02:26 PM
I love the entertainment center instructions that tell you up front: this will take you more than one day to complete.

KronoRed
12-23-2007, 03:30 PM
Are you still in therapy?

They say with some shock therapy that I'll forget the whole incident :D

Hoosier Red
12-24-2007, 01:18 PM
True story! My wife and I had just moved to a new house when my two year old daughter(she is now thirteen) brought me a srewdriver, and said "Daddy, here's your dammit!" I started to watch my language a little more then!:D

[BILL COSBY]
"No sweetheart that's my Jesus Christ!"
[/BILL COSBY]

RANDY IN INDY
12-24-2007, 06:00 PM
Just put together a trampoline. Surprisingly easy and smooth.

Here's to good instructions and lots of patience, everyone!

Merry Christmas!

remdog
12-24-2007, 11:51 PM
Most products seem to be designed in Germany, manufactured in China and the directions are written by someone in Poland. Given that, most Americans are completely helpless.

As Pogo said, "I are one."

Rem

westofyou
01-28-2008, 10:56 AM
http://joeposnanski.com/JoeBlog/


Dad Lessons
January 28th, 2008 · 8 Comments

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Gee, I’ll bet Joe spent three-plus hours Sunday night putting together the Play Wonder Kitchen Set for his youngest daughter’s birthday.” Yeah, that’s right, I did that … you know, it’s never a good sign when you open up a “some assembly required box,” and the instructions fall out, and the first thing you see on them is, no joke, “Step 27.”

My feeling on it is this: Nothing in this world with the possible exception of a heart transplant or building a nuclear device should be complicated enough to demand 27 steps. Heck, you’re supposed to kick alcoholism in 12. Twenty seven steps, man, at the end of that I should be a fully ordained minister or an FBI agent or something. Then, I’m taking out the various pieces of this kitchen set out of the box and … there are more pieces. And more. And more. There are so many pieces in there that the alphabet doesn’t have enough letters to label them all, they’ve got pieces of wood marked “AK” and “QR” — people, this is a TOY. I’m not sauteing Chilean Sea Bass on it. It’s for a 3 year old to make pretend Chicken McNuggets, which is pretty much Katie’s make-believe specialty. I don’t believe it needs a convection setting or a warming tray.

I’ll give you an idea about this monster toy: There were 10 different kinds of screws. OK? TEN DIFFERENT KINDS OF SCREWS. Who am I, Bob Vila? I’m sorry, but when you’re selling something that demands you use 10 different screws, that needs to be marked quite clearly on the box. As in, “Don’t buy this toy unless you have a masters in Electrical Engineering from Stanford.” I mean, look, if I have to do that much work to build a toy, then the Play Wonder people should pay me a salary.

Here’s the thing though: I had to do it. Why? I’m a Dad. And Dads are supposed to know how to do stuff like build toys developed by NASA. That’s just the way I grew up. Dads fix stuff. Dads mow lawns. Dads take your temperature by checking your pulse and doing some sort of secret mathematical calculation that I’ve never learned. Dads control the thermostat*. Dads can fall asleep at any time. Dads never know where anything is. Dads juggle and perform a few basic magic tricks and groan when they get up from the coach and teach you how to keep score and know how to oil a baseball glove and have a large arsenal of corny jokes at their disposal.

*Jerry Seinfeld has a great bit on Dads and thermostats. I love Seinfeld, of course. I’m not sure, though, it was all that wise for him to go on Letterman and compare the woman who is suing his wife for plagiarism with the guy who killed Martin Luther King Jr. I understand being ticked off and all, but I generally think it’s a good idea to keep your comedic insults on the lucid side of James Earl Ray. That’s just some friendly advice I would offer, you know, if Jerry would be my friend.

I have after 41 years of training as a guy developed many of the Dad skills and habits. I mow the lawn. I can do that rudimentary, “Oh look, the quarter was in your ear,” trick that would never work on anyone older than 6. I could fall asleep typing this sentence. And though my daughters have so far shown absolutely no interest in baseball, I will teach them how to oil a glove. I will. I don’t even think you’re supposed to oil these new gloves, but I don’t care. We’re oiling gloves at some point.

But I’ve never had the ability to fix anything. I have gotten by as a plodder — give me several hours, an electric screwdriver with some battery power left and three trips to the Lowe’s, and I’ll generally get it done (assuming “it” is something like hanging a picture on a wall). I’ve made a few token attempts to get smarter about fixing things. I’ve watched a few shows on the “Do-It Yourself” Network and whatever that Tim Allen show was called. I’ve stood behind various professionals hired to fix the plumbing or and watched every single thing they’re doing and asked moronic questions until they finally give me that “OK, you are freaking me out, go away,” look. No use. I still have no idea how to fix anything more complicated than a tuna sandwich.

That said — a Dad’s gotta do what a Dad’s gotta do. I spent three-plus hours Sunday night studying those utterly baffling instructions, cursing, working through all those steps (and a few extra ones), losing screws, rereading those instructions, cursing, etc. And after all that, after finally figuring everything out and putting pieces together and wearing out the battery on my electric screwdriver I actually made it to the point where I had to start over because I was reading everything backward. Then I did start over and I went through all the steps and I used one of those non-electric screwdrivers (what are those called again?) and you know what? I built that kitchen set. I must say that it looks pretty good, though of course it could look like something on the set of Sanford and Son, and I wouldn’t really care. I’m not touching that thing again.

Now my hands are raw. My fingers are numb. My back is killing me. But here’s what I’m thinking. Monday morning, in a few hours, my Katie will wake up at whatever ungodly hour she decides to wake up. She will rush downstairs, and she will see her new kitchen. And, unless my hunch is wrong, she won’t think, “Wow, why does the microwave hinge show” or “I think he could have used a couple fewer screws when fastening the back.” No, I suspect she will think, “There’s my kitchen, it’s awesome. My Dad can fix anything.” And maybe that’s the trick to this whole Dad business. Work while they’re sleeping. And hope for the best.

Blimpie
01-28-2008, 06:33 PM
WOY, this is way too coincidental. My youngest daughter got a play kitchen similar to this for Christmas. However, when I opened the box, one of the key pieces was broken and we had to wait until this week to receive a replacement from the manufacturer.

On Saturday night, I spent exactly 3.5 hours putting this thing together. It had hardware that was coated in five different colors and needed three different sized Allen wrenches to assemble the thing.

Absolutely hysterical article by Joe.

pedro
01-28-2008, 06:36 PM
My feeling on it is this: Nothing in this world with the possible exception of a heart transplant or building a nuclear device should be complicated enough to demand 27 steps. Heck, you’re supposed to kick alcoholism in 12.

:lol:

919191
01-29-2008, 01:59 AM
WOY, this is way too coincidental. My youngest daughter got a play kitchen similar to this for Christmas. However, when I opened the box, one of the key pieces was broken and we had to wait until this week to receive a replacement from the manufacturer.



We had a similar experience. We got the kids a Wii for Christmas. On the AM of the 26th, the sensor bar stopped working. I called Nintendo and they agreed that was the problem and a new one would be shipped in about 10 days, plus shipping time! I couldn't tell my kids they had to wait that long, so later that day I bought a wireless bar made by another company for 20 bucks. About 3 weeks later, the sensor bar arrived.