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thatcoolguy_22
07-29-2008, 08:21 PM
I'm in the air force and recently returned home from Iraq. I have been dating the same girl for about 10 months (give or take). Anyways long story short I just found out that she is 11 weeks pregnant with my first child. Yay! not quite... Only 1 week after I found out she was pregnant I am told that she was cheating on my while I was deployed and made plans to leave me for this guy that since my return, has literally moved to alaska (he got out of the air force and moved back home about a 2 weeks before I got back from the desert). Now I am in bit of a fix. I am going to be stationed in Korea for 1 year beginning this Dec and, she is due in the beginning of March. She claims that the whole fiasco with the other guy was a mistake and yada yada... I still love her but the trust from my side is minimal at this point. Also I do not want to only be able to see my *son* on holidays and for the summers because I refused to try and forgive her.

What are your guy's opinions?

Thanks

Red in Chicago
07-29-2008, 09:17 PM
you will never be able to trust her again, so it's best for you to just move on

SunDeck
07-29-2008, 09:44 PM
you will never be able to trust her again, so it's best for you to just move on

I would agree except for the complicating factor of the kid. Assuming the child is yours, do you want to try to work things out with her in order to be in his or her life? And just wondering also, can a child be tested prenatally to determine paternity?

Anyway, it's pretty hard for any of us to tell you what to do, however I can recommend the old adage, "Trust, but verify." I guess if you decide not to start the relationship back up with her you can just make it clear that you are going to do whatever is necessary to make sure this child has a good relationship with their father. That could mean not resuming the relationship, if the two of you can't come to an understanding. Worse things have happened in the world; you'll be a good dad either way, I am sure.

WVRed
07-29-2008, 10:22 PM
Only question I have would be is the child yours for sure?

If not, you may not have near as much to worry about.

thatcoolguy_22
07-29-2008, 10:41 PM
Only question I have would be is the child yours for sure?

If not, you may not have near as much to worry about.

Yes

The doc said conception was may 26 and we were together on vacation from may 21 until 5 jun...

Reds Freak
07-29-2008, 10:44 PM
I'm sure most people would say run as fast as you can but I think you owe it to your child and yourself, if you truly love this girl, to try to forgive and give her another chance. Often times when there is unfaithfulness in a relationship, there is an issue(s) in the relationship that has been ignored for a while that causes one partner to act out frustrations in the form of an affair. I think it's important to try to get to the bottom of that issue because beneath the pain and hurt it sounds like there still is love there. If I were you I would let your girl know that you still love her and you are there for the child but you need some time apart to figure out things for yourself and get over the pain of the affair. This will allow you to heal and allow her to miss you and think about life without you as a single mother. If your relationship is a viable one it will spring back together like a rubber band and you can then begin to work on the problems that were in your relationship and grow from them. It would take a lot of work, patience, and understanding but it can be done. You might consider getting professional help together as well as this is a very sticky situation. Just my .02.

Thanks for serving our country by the way...

George Foster
07-29-2008, 10:54 PM
This is my 2 cents worth.

If you are sure the child is yours, you owe it to your child, who deserves a full time father, to give the relationship another chance. This is not just about "you" now.

If you don't marry her, it will be hard for you to get any parental rights other than the "once-in-a-while" visit, and you still will be paying child support.

If you love her and she is sorry, give her a chance and you kid a father....marry her. That commitment from you might be all she wanted in the first place.

Thank you for keeping my family safe. God's speed.

Falls City Beer
07-29-2008, 10:55 PM
You can still be a part of the kid's life without her. I know it's not popular to say this, but in my experience, folks who cheat once cheat again. It's the old frog/scorpion fable.

Move on; save yourself the heartache--and protect the kid from a relationship filled with strife.

TeamSelig
07-29-2008, 11:00 PM
Just remember that forcing a relationship so the kid can have a 'traditional' family isn't always the best thing to do, especially if said relationship is a bad one.

George Foster
07-29-2008, 11:09 PM
You can still be a part of the kid's life without her. I know it's not popular to say this, but in my experience, folks who cheat once cheat again. It's the old frog/scorpion fable.

Move on; save yourself the heartache--and protect the kid from a relationship filled with strife.

I agree and don't agree. If they were already married, adultery is a "big deal."
And you are right, statistics show that adultery usually repeats itself. However there was no commitment in this relationship. He said they dated for less than a year I believe. If cheating on a boyfriend or a girlfriend is a scarlet letter, 99% of us is wearing one. Sex outside of marriage is a whole different kettle of worms IMO.

Having a child can make one more mature, and see the future differently. She might of just made a dumb decision, and was worried she was waiting for a guy that might not ever come home. There is only 1 person that can judge her honesty. I hope coolguy22 can make the right decision whatever it is.

Highlifeman21
07-29-2008, 11:41 PM
I would definitely make sure the child is yours, first and foremost.

After that, I'd show her the curb. While you'll want to trust her, will you really be able to down the road? Doubt and lack of trust will destroy any potential relationship down the road, so best to protect yourself while you still can.

Tough situation, and I wish you the best.

Johnny Footstool
07-29-2008, 11:45 PM
I agree with Reds Freak: you should seek professional counseling. We RedsZoners mean well, but our perspectives are limited. Talk to a pro. You owe it to yourself, to her, and to the baby.

RFS62
07-30-2008, 12:44 AM
I agree with Reds Freak: you should seek professional counseling. We RedsZoners mean well, but our perspectives are limited. Talk to a pro. You owe it to yourself, to her, and to the baby.

I second this.

Talk to a pro, and be completely honest.

Good luck, and thanks for your service.

Patrick Bateman
07-30-2008, 01:09 AM
Two Words:

Jerry Springer

M2
07-30-2008, 02:11 AM
Yes

The doc said conception was may 26 and we were together on vacation from may 21 until 5 jun...

I'd still suggest a paternity test after the birth, just for piece of mind.

Counseling and not rushing into any family decisions are the other two things would be the other two things I'd advise. Frankly, I think you ought to wait on marriage until she can demonstrate she's ready and willing to commit to you (actions speak louder than words). Hanging in there while you do a year on the 38th parallel might be the ticket.

JayBruce4HOF
07-30-2008, 03:59 AM
You don't need counseling, you need to kick her lying ... to the curb.

camisadelgolf
07-30-2008, 04:10 AM
Also, you may want to consider a paternity test. It would cost at least $350, but it's probably worth it when you consider how much worrying it would save you later on.

I also second the opinion that you should seek professional help.

SandyD
07-30-2008, 09:05 AM
professional counseling would allow both of you the opportunity to come to terms with the realities of your situation. A good counselor won't "tell" you what to do, but will help you come to a well-thought out decision.

There are a lot of questions you can't possibly have honest answsers to at this point.

A counsellor can assist you in finding those answers. Maybe the chaplain at your base, of you're both comfortable.

So, the answser is ... don't rush in either direction. Take the time to figure out what is best for the three of you. And there are probably more options than you're thinking of right now.

Roy Tucker
07-30-2008, 09:49 AM
All good advice, particularly the family counseling part. Refereed discussion will be much more productive. It's all a workable situation, just need to figure out what you *really* want.

I'd treat the baby aspect and the girlfriend aspect as 2 different things.

If you want to be a father to the baby, do the paternity test thing and see a lawyer about custody and caretaking (joint or otherwise). If its not documented in a legally binding agreement, you will be up to the fickle winds of fate, the baby will be used as a token of power, and basically get into a real mess. Whether or not you have a relationship with the mom (marriage or otherwise), once you sign up to be the baby's parent, it's a lifetime gig. Not for the faint of heart. Make sure you are sure.

Now, for the girlfriend, it sounds like she is not in any shape or form ready for a mature relationship. At least IMO. Plus, you are going to be 1/2 a world away. Counseling will help to determine if a committed relationship is what she (and you) really want.

Best of luck. And thank you for serving our country.

Joseph
07-30-2008, 10:46 AM
The paternity test is a really good idea as they say.

Get it ASAP though. If you are listed on the birth certificate as the father you are responsible for child support even if it turns out you aren't the father.

Other than that, its a personal thing, if you feel you can deal with then its up to you to handle it. Only you know how trusting and forgiving you are, or how trustworthy and honest she is.

M2
07-30-2008, 11:12 AM
The paternity test is a really good idea as they say.

And it should be noted that doctors base date of conception on the mother's report of when she last had her period. If she intentionally or mistakenly gave the doctor the wrong date (e.g. a week later than what it was) then it could take the date of conception outside the window of the vacation you were on.

Date of conception is really guesswork on the doctor's part. It's a ballpark figure designed to create an estimate of when the baby should arrive roughly 40 weeks later.

Given the circumstances, you'd do well to get the hard science on this. It's completely unromantic, but it provides you with surety. I had a cousin go through this and getting the unequivocal results that his daughter was indeed his daughter took a load off his mind. It's actually something that can build trust and it sounds like you and this girl could stand a whole lot of trust building.

Falls City Beer
07-30-2008, 11:18 AM
I might agree that if the mother is 19 years old, then the cheating was a peccadillo, but if she's, say, 25 and is cheating 10 months into the relationship, I think I have a decent idea where that train is heading, IMO.

People change, but not much after a certain point in their lives.

I second M2's advice--definitely hold off on marriage. For as long as you feel comfortable.

wolfboy
07-30-2008, 11:27 AM
The paternity test is a really good idea as they say.

Get it ASAP though. If you are listed on the birth certificate as the father you are responsible for child support even if it turns out you aren't the father.

Other than that, its a personal thing, if you feel you can deal with then its up to you to handle it. Only you know how trusting and forgiving you are, or how trustworthy and honest she is.

This is an important component of this. Get that paternity test no matter what. As Joseph says, if you are listed as the father on the birth certificate and you assume the role of father for even a limited period of time, you could be held responsible for that child. Are you willing to assume that responsibility without knowing for certain that this is your child?

As M2 pointed out, a doctor's estimated date of conception is just that: an estimate. If you don't protect your rights now, you may not have them later.

Johnny Footstool
07-30-2008, 11:49 AM
I might agree that if the mother is 19 years old, then the cheating was a peccadillo, but if she's, say, 25 and is cheating 10 months into the relationship, I think I have a decent idea where that train is heading, IMO.

People change, but not much after a certain point in their lives.

I second M2's advice--definitely hold off on marriage. For as long as you feel comfortable.

Age and maturity level are huge factors here. It's a lot easier for younger people to learn from their mistakes and change for the better. The older you get, the more those behaviors become ingrained.

Fon Duc Tow
07-30-2008, 11:54 AM
get the P-Test. Anything else is you being taken advantage of.

Dom Heffner
07-30-2008, 12:17 PM
Sex outside of marriage is a whole different kettle of worms IMO.


I would differ here, George. For me, trust is the issue and it doesn't matter if we have a piece of paper saying we are married- if you gave your word that we were committed and you broke that promise, the trust is going to be hard to get back. Not impossible, but it's always there.

For the child's sake, I wouldn't be with someone I didn't want to be with it, whether it be I wasn't in love with them anymore or they cheated on me.

Relationships built on false premises are not healthy for a child either.

As a 40 year old man, it wouldn't give me any solace to know that my parents had trust issues when they got together, were miserable because one partner cheated on the other as they did early in the relationship, yet stayed together because of me. Staying in a relationship you aren't happy in is an undeniably awful experience and to offer advice to someone to stay there because of a kid can be misguided, IMHO. It depends on the circumstances, I guess.

In this situation, if you still love her, it's probably worth it to give her a second chance. Love is the basis, and will always be, because without it, the relationship is doomed. A child doesn't fix it or make it any more bearable. I wouldn't go forward with a marriage if you don't love her or if you think she will cheat on you again, child or no child.

One thing about second chances, though, is that sometimes they give people new inspiration in life. They sometimes work harder to compensate for past mistakes. You could be the beneficiary of that goodwill and while you should never be thankful an affair happened, good can come from the most awful of places sometimes.

You have some soul searching here to do, because it sounds as though your situation requires trust. If you have to be away from your spouse due to the military, are her whereabouts going to be constantly on your mind because of the past?

A friend of mine's marriage ended because he was stationed in Iraq and couldn't handle the trust issue, even though his wife was faithful. I can't imagine trying to do that with someone who has cheated in the past.

Best of luck to you, and keep us up to date.

Road Pop
07-30-2008, 12:48 PM
First off, thanks for serving! I would recommend a paternity test if you even THOUGHT she was cheating. She wants you back now, after the other guy went home. What will she do when you report to duty again? I hope she's not using you as a security blanket right now.

My neighbor's wife had twins. He found out when they were 5 years old that they weren't his. He was crushed. His wife got caught with the kids' real dad, and she fessed up. Otherwise he wouldn't have known. IMO, I think he would've been happier not knowing.

Another married friend found out his son wasn't his after 1 year. In other words, people cheat whether they're married or not.

If you're on the birth cert. you will be liable for support and birthing expenses, and that's not cheap.

I'm not a person to give relationship advice, but I'd put getting married on the back-burner till you have all the answers and ask yourself if you're truly in love. Staying together for a childs sake only ends up hurting the kid in the long run.

I'd hate to see you overseas worrying about someone cheating on you.

Good Luck and be Safe!

Road Pop

registerthis
07-30-2008, 02:08 PM
Sex outside of marriage is a whole different kettle of worms IMO.

It's a hell of a lot more expensive, for one.

thatcoolguy_22
08-04-2008, 07:38 PM
Update-

We got into an argument the other day and I gave up on the entire thing. She never stopped cheating on me after we decided to make it work out. Without too much name calling you all have a very clear picture of the way I feel about her at this point. However we have a paternity test scheduled for 11 Aug so I will have to wait until then to see what the next step is going to be.

Thanks for all of your replies fellas. It really was appreciated.

-TCG

camisadelgolf
08-05-2008, 04:47 AM
Update-

We got into an argument the other day and I gave up on the entire thing. She never stopped cheating on me after we decided to make it work out. Without too much name calling you all have a very clear picture of the way I feel about her at this point. However we have a paternity test scheduled for 11 Aug so I will have to wait until then to see what the next step is going to be.

Thanks for all of your replies fellas. It really was appreciated.

-TCG

I was a manager for a paternity testing laboratory (until I moved to Germany). If you have any questions, I'd be glad to answer them.

PedroBourbon
08-05-2008, 10:14 AM
Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. Get out, you are young, you will find someone. I would only do the P-Test if you considering child support IF it is yours. I admire that, but get out otherwise. Sorry

919191
08-05-2008, 10:50 AM
Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. Get out, you are young, you will find someone. I would only do the P-Test if you considering child support IF it is yours. I admire that, but get out otherwise. Sorry


Considering child support if it is his? If it is his, don't you think he is obliged?

wolfboy
08-05-2008, 10:57 AM
Update-

We got into an argument the other day and I gave up on the entire thing. She never stopped cheating on me after we decided to make it work out. Without too much name calling you all have a very clear picture of the way I feel about her at this point. However we have a paternity test scheduled for 11 Aug so I will have to wait until then to see what the next step is going to be.

Thanks for all of your replies fellas. It really was appreciated.

-TCG

Glad to see that you've scheduled the paternity test. Best of luck with a difficult situation.