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wally post
02-28-2009, 12:50 PM
this comes from my pal, Warren who rules over the drums on Broadway:

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was
flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started.

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=========

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from
0
to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.

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=========

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I
take her someplace expensive...

So I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started.

============ ========= ========= ========= =========
=========

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized
I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me', and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started
.

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=========

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
she sat
alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took
to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.

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========= =

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a
DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and
shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then
which one are you?'

And then the fight started.

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=========
Still fighting



My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....

****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made
my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I
hooked
up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be
bad
all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
husband
is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started ...

****


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some
reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,
please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad
cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And then the fight started ...

****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom
mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay
me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near
perfect.'
And then the fight started ...

UKFlounder
02-28-2009, 03:09 PM
Wow - I'm going to have to copy those and share them.

Very funny

Screwball
03-03-2009, 04:25 AM
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a
DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and
shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then
which one are you?'


I stole the (heck) out of this joke by telling it to all my friends. Without exception, the response is roaring laughter. That may be one of the funniest jokes I've ever read or heard. You win again, wally. :thumbup: