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thatcoolguy_22
03-01-2010, 04:29 AM
Problem is she is not American and I will be leaving Korea in 4 months. Anyone got any ideas on what to do? Without counting marriage?

WMR
03-01-2010, 05:54 AM
Damn, that's a tough one. How 'into' the girl are you? Could you see yourself wanting to marry her someday?

reds44
03-01-2010, 06:37 AM
Go on Muary.

Donder
03-01-2010, 07:47 AM
Why are you ruling out marriage? You got yourself into a bad position, now you really should think of the girl and the child.

camisadelgolf
03-01-2010, 09:09 AM
What options have you considered so far? Would you be at all willing to relocate to South Korea? Hypothetically, if she could get a visa to come to the States, would you be willing to live with her?

Roy Tucker
03-01-2010, 09:29 AM
I'm old-fashioned so I say marry the women. Best for the child and the right thing to do. Period.

If that is not an option, then it depends on how you see the relationship going. If you think it has a chance, move mom and future child to the States and set them up where you can see and *support* them.

If that isn't an option, set up a legally binding arrangement that ensures the mom and child are financially taken care of by you. I'd say through college for the child, but I suppose that can be negotiated.

Thinking a little more, this needs to be done in any case besides marriage of course.

Be responsible and do the right thing.

thatcoolguy_22
03-01-2010, 10:55 AM
Marriage could be done, but I would never had even thought about it without the pregnancy coming up first with her. I'm searching into the visa idea. I'm not into the idea of marriage just for the child. Very good chance that one will end in divorce... However this will provide an opportunity for me to work on a second language if I do :)

JaxRed
03-01-2010, 12:37 PM
You could ask your girlfriend. I suspect she's been investigating her options for several months.

Reds Nd2
03-01-2010, 01:00 PM
You could ask your girlfriend. I suspect she's been investigating her options for several months.
No doubt.

gonelong
03-01-2010, 02:11 PM
You are getting ready to support someone for the next 18ish or so years. This is one of the largest financial commitments you will make in your entire life. If you have any doubts (or even if you don't), you should probably have a paternity test.

I hope this doesn't offend you in any way, it is certainly not meant to do so.

GL

Jpup
03-01-2010, 02:15 PM
go home right now. ;) Nah man, it's time to sack up and do what you have to do. I always tell people, "If you are man enough to sleep with her, you should be man enough to marry her."

RBA
03-01-2010, 02:28 PM
Have you told your supervisor?

camisadelgolf
03-01-2010, 03:01 PM
You are getting ready to support someone for the next 18ish or so years. This is one of the largest financial commitments you will make in your entire life. If you have any doubts (or even if you don't), you should probably have a paternity test.

I hope this doesn't offend you in any way, it is certainly not meant to do so.

GL
I used to perform paternity testing for a living, and I can't stress this enough. A test would cost you anywhere from $200-450 (maybe cheaper now since technology has probably advanced), and it could be a chance to save yourself a lot of work and several thousand dollars.

TeamSelig
03-01-2010, 03:18 PM
nm

reds44
03-01-2010, 03:22 PM
JESUS lol

westofyou
03-01-2010, 03:33 PM
Is being classy in response to some things physically impossible?

Falls City Beer
03-01-2010, 03:35 PM
Respectfully, probably not the best question to ask a message board.

Reds4Life
03-01-2010, 03:38 PM
I agree with the paternity test, especially given the circumstances.

klw
03-01-2010, 03:55 PM
As you look into options, you may want to consider asking if a paternity test would be helpful not to you but for the child in establishing US citizenship. Especially if the child is born overseas, a paternity test may help showing the authorities that you are the father.

TRF
03-01-2010, 04:59 PM
hmm.

I just found out my daughter is pregnant. The subject of marriage has come up between my wife and I. And while we aren't seeing eye to eye on a lot of things (really anything) right now, on this we both agree. If they get married it's a divorce in the making. So we are taking care of her. Anything she gets from the sperm donor is a bonus. Of course this is a domestic relationship, without the added problems of nationality.

My first instinct though, is to say marry her. Past that, if you are convinced the child is yours AND you don't want to marry her, make sure that child is provided for monetarily and emotionally. Especially emotionally. I believe there is a stigma in Korea about children of mixed races. If the girlfriend stays there, the child could be in for a tough life.

Sea Ray
03-01-2010, 05:13 PM
hmm.

I just found out my daughter is pregnant. The subject of marriage has come up between my wife and I. And while we aren't seeing eye to eye on a lot of things (really anything) right now, on this we both agree. If they get married it's a divorce in the making. So we are taking care of her. Anything she gets from the sperm donor is a bonus. Of course this is a domestic relationship, without the added problems of nationality.

My first instinct though, is to say marry her. Past that, if you are convinced the child is yours AND you don't want to marry her, make sure that child is provided for monetarily and emotionally. Especially emotionally. I believe there is a stigma in Korea about children of mixed races. If the girlfriend stays there, the child could be in for a tough life.

I think you are making the right move by not pushing marriage in your daughter's case. I am a strong believer in getting married BEFORE pregnancy but not so much afterward. I think marriage is hard enough under the best of circumstances and you're not doing the kid any favors by starting a marriage that's doomed to fail.

Child support isn't so cut and dried either. If the boyfriend is a real loser, you're better off not accepting any money from him, have him sign away his parental rights and never let him see the kid again.

I don't know your daughter's situation but adoption is far too rarely considered in my opinion.

As for the Korean situation, a lot of it will depend on the mother's choices. Given that he said he never considered marriage before, I'd say don't do it now. Other than marriage there's not much the Dad can decide. The rest of the choices are pretty much up to the mother.

TRF
03-01-2010, 05:30 PM
He's a good kid, but immature. Probably 2 years older than my daughter whi is only 20 herself.

And she isn't ready for marriage any more than he is. I haven't met this kid's parents, but my daughter says they are excited and have been very nice to her, offering support. Because of where i work, her college is free (community college), so she has that going for her too. She's a little scared, and kind of in denial, but that will change.

But in the OP's case, marriage may be the child's best hope. You knew what you were doing. Never assume any birth control measures work 100%. You have a responsibility to the child, and that may mean marriage in this case.

Has she discussed this with her family?

M2
03-02-2010, 02:43 AM
Crazy idea here: get married and stay in Korea. The military might even like that idea, making you someone it doesn't have to cycle in and out of the country.

If she comes from a tight-knit family structure and has a good head on her shoulders (and from what I understand that's fairly common in Korea), you may have just stepped in a big pile of lucky. Obviously you need to be wary if she's kind of sketchy. Yet if she's a solid citizen and the two of you get along, believe it or not that's most of the battle. So you're not goofy in love at the moment. That's probably the least important ingredient to a long-term successful marriage (because even if you were that will wear off over time and that's when being a solid citizen and getting along take over).

Dragging her around from military base to military base probably is going to be a misery for her and your kid. So that's why I suggest you think about sticking in Korea. Stay there, learn the language, continue to pick up skills as a member of the Air Force, live off base, take advantage of having her family around to lend support (and I'm not talking monetary). Create some stability and I'm guessing you'll find your AF skills will be in demand in eastern Asia once you're done with your service time.

Obviously this isn't what you planned, but anyone living the life they planned is messing up big time.

Dom Heffner
03-02-2010, 05:24 AM
hmm.

I just found out my daughter is pregnant. The subject of marriage has come up between my wife and I. And while we aren't seeing eye to eye on a lot of things (really anything) right now, on this we both agree. If they get married it's a divorce in the making. So we are taking care of her. Anything she gets from the sperm donor is a bonus. Of course this is a domestic relationship, without the added problems of nationality.

My first instinct though, is to say marry her. Past that, if you are convinced the child is yours AND you don't want to marry her, make sure that child is provided for monetarily and emotionally. Especially emotionally. I believe there is a stigma in Korea about children of mixed races. If the girlfriend stays there, the child could be in for a tough life.

+1,000,000.

RBA
03-02-2010, 09:23 PM
Crazy idea here: get married and stay in Korea. The military might even like that idea, making you someone it doesn't have to cycle in and out of the country.

If she comes from a tight-knit family structure and has a good head on her shoulders (and from what I understand that's fairly common in Korea), you may have just stepped in a big pile of lucky. Obviously you need to be wary if she's kind of sketchy. Yet if she's a solid citizen and the two of you get along, believe it or not that's most of the battle. So you're not goofy in love at the moment. That's probably the least important ingredient to a long-term successful marriage (because even if you were that will wear off over time and that's when being a solid citizen and getting along take over).

Dragging her around from military base to military base probably is going to be a misery for her and your kid. So that's why I suggest you think about sticking in Korea. Stay there, learn the language, continue to pick up skills as a member of the Air Force, live off base, take advantage of having her family around to lend support (and I'm not talking monetary). Create some stability and I'm guessing you'll find your AF skills will be in demand in eastern Asia once you're done with your service time.

Obviously this isn't what you planned, but anyone living the life they planned is messing up big time.

Point 1, the military has probably all ready has assigned him to a new unit. It would be very difficult to get out of that assignment with only 4 months to go. The gaining unit is already expecting him and they won't be too happy if he doesn't show. On the other end, his replacement has already been chosen and is probably going through training right now to prepare for assignment in Korea. The replacement may be okay with not going, but the military wouldn't be with the amount of money they are spending to get him ready.

Point 2: Yes, his 'future wife' would most likely prefer to stay in Korea where she has support from her family member. But, if she was to accompany her to a new duty location she would find other Korea spouses she can befriend. Also, she wouldn't be the only spouse missing her network of support that comes from living around family member. My wife and I have raised our kids living half way around the world from family members. While our brothers and sisters were dropping the kids off at Grandmas for a night out, we were either staying home with the kids are trusting the care of them to sitters. We aren't the most trusting people when it comes to taking care of our kids, so we missed a few nights out.

Dom Heffner
03-03-2010, 12:38 AM
I think you marry only for love. If you do it for any other reason, it won't last.

M2
03-03-2010, 01:45 AM
I think you marry only for love. If you do it for any other reason, it won't last.

That's what most Americans think. Note our divorce rate.

I actually think it springs from a real shallow definition of love, which gets reduced to youthful infatuation far too often.

M2
03-03-2010, 01:54 AM
Point 1, the military has probably all ready has assigned him to a new unit. It would be very difficult to get out of that assignment with only 4 months to go. The gaining unit is already expecting him and they won't be too happy if he doesn't show. On the other end, his replacement has already been chosen and is probably going through training right now to prepare for assignment in Korea. The replacement may be okay with not going, but the military wouldn't be with the amount of money they are spending to get him ready.

Point 2: Yes, his 'future wife' would most likely prefer to stay in Korea where she has support from her family member. But, if she was to accompany her to a new duty location she would find other Korea spouses she can befriend. Also, she wouldn't be the only spouse missing her network of support that comes from living around family member. My wife and I have raised our kids living half way around the world from family members. While our brothers and sisters were dropping the kids off at Grandmas for a night out, we were either staying home with the kids are trusting the care of them to sitters. We aren't the most trusting people when it comes to taking care of our kids, so we missed a few nights out.

True enough, the military might have inalterable plans for him. My thinking was that the military is stretched thin these days and someone who wants to stay on in Korea might be seen as an asset.

As for #2, I've had family and friends who've tried to bring a foreign wife along for a military career and it hasn't gone well (small sample, I'm sure there's countless examples to the contrary, but it's a double culture shock). The people I know who've married American have all done well, raised kids, seem happy. I suppose the bigger issue is whether the two of them can agree on a viable long-term plan. Here's where you are and there's where you want to go.

reds1869
03-03-2010, 08:53 AM
That's what most Americans think. Note our divorce rate.

I actually think it springs from a real shallow definition of love, which gets reduced to youthful infatuation far too often.

My wife and I dated for nearly five years before getting married. By that point, we knew we were truly in love and we've stayed that way ever since. Even after I received a medical diagnosis that I've seen destroy other couples, we've only gotten closer. AND she lets me watch all the baseball I want without complaint. Now THAT is love. :)

In all seriousness, you are correct. I don't know many people that waited as long to marry as we did. We did so because we both wanted to finish college before starting a family, and it was the best decision we ever made. We had several friends who married after knowing each other for less than a year. I'm not saying it can't work--in one case it has--but it really decreases the odds. The better you know someone before taking the plunge, the better off you are.

I won't even try to give advice, except to say take your time. Think it through, and make the decision that you feel is best for you and the other parties involved.

Dom Heffner
03-03-2010, 04:46 PM
That's what most Americans think. Note our divorce rate.

I actually think it springs from a real shallow definition of love, which gets reduced to youthful infatuation far too often.


I disagree- I think the numbers suggest people don't get married for love.

We get married because we think we have to, because of pressure from others, because we got somebody pregnant, because we worry about what people think, because this person has a great job, and so forth.

To your point- I do think this can be confused with infatuation, which is why I say marry only for love. If you marry someone you are infatuated with, you aren't in love with them, which goes to my point.

BoydsOfSummer
03-03-2010, 05:27 PM
Go see Hawkeye and Trapper John, this one time they...

Kingspoint
03-03-2010, 05:48 PM
Pam and Jim have their baby tomorrow night.

15fan
03-04-2010, 03:56 PM
My advice: You should do what's best for the kid. That's what being a parent is all about. It's being selfless and putting your child in the best environment for him/her to develop mentally, socially, physically and emotionally.

Skimming the thread, it looks like Sea Ray is the only one who has mentioned adoption as a possiblity. There are many couples all over the planet who would love to have a child, but can't. If you and your girlfriend aren't ready, for whatever reason, to make the lifelong commitment of marriage and raising the child together, that's fine. Perhaps, then, this is an opportunity for the two of you to ensure the child grows up in a loving home and bring more joy than you could ever imagine to a couple who has been unable to conceive their own child.

TRF
03-04-2010, 06:11 PM
My advice: You should do what's best for the kid. That's what being a parent is all about. It's being selfless and putting your child in the best environment for him/her to develop mentally, socially, physically and emotionally.

Skimming the thread, it looks like Sea Ray is the only one who has mentioned adoption as a possiblity. There are many couples all over the planet who would love to have a child, but can't. If you and your girlfriend aren't ready, for whatever reason, to make the lifelong commitment of marriage and raising the child together, that's fine. Perhaps, then, this is an opportunity for the two of you to ensure the child grows up in a loving home and bring more joy than you could ever imagine to a couple who has been unable to conceive their own child.

I agrees. so long as the adopting Parent isn't Angelina Jolie.

savafan
03-04-2010, 07:50 PM
I agrees. so long as the adopting Parent isn't Angelina Jolie.

Or Madonna.

TeamSelig
03-04-2010, 09:00 PM
I wish Angelina would adopt me

Falls City Beer
03-05-2010, 10:08 PM
If I were your girlfriend, I'd be in no hurry to leave S. Korea, whose jobless rate is 4.8%, to come to America where it's more than double that. No thanks.

RBA
03-06-2010, 04:23 PM
If I were your girlfriend


Not technically legal in the military. Yet. But, no worries about getting pregnant.