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TRF
04-04-2011, 11:56 AM
I cheated.

10 years ago, I had an affair. It was stupid. I had no idea at the time why i was doing it. It happened only a couple of times, but once is enough. I hid it poorly like i wanted to be caught. My wife discovered it 9 years ago right around valentines day. great timing huh.

Normally the person caught does everything he or she can to win their spouse back. I did the opposite. I became more and more withdrawn. I stopped talking to everyone, abandoned my friends, spent all my time on the internet doing both innocent and not so innocent things there. Every couple of years I'd do another thing to get "caught". No more affairs, but just wrong behavior. Not because it was something I wanted to do, but because if I got caught she would be angry, and I felt like I didn't deserve anything but her anger.

Over the last 4 months I have almost completely withdrawn. I have cut off all contact from with my family back east as I can no longer stomach the thought of talking to the people that helped create me. But the decision to do so has taken such a toll on me that I have wrapped myself in a shell no one could get through. My wife, desperately lonely has formed a relationship with someone else. She has moved out, met with an attorney and plans to divorce me.

And I can't really blame her.

I started therapy last week. I've given it a token try in the past, but I didn't like it or the idea of it. Now I know that without it, I may not live the year. This guy at least seems cool.

I once posted on here how I love my wife. A long flowing post that seems hypocritical on the surface now, but is actually how i felt. I could never show her that though, and the loneliness i foisted upon her was too much for her to take.

She's been gone a couple of weeks now, and I have good days and bad. Good when i stay active, bad, mostly at work when i have more time to think and dwell. And her working down the hall from me doesn't help. I miss her, but it took all my screwing up, her leaving for me to realize what i had. I had started blogging a couple of years ago, but wasn't honest in it. I placed blame on her and not where it needed to be. I couldn't accept the love she offered because honestly i didn't know what it is. I still may not know. In fact I'm sure I don't, but I'd like to.

I keep thinking there is something I can do, or say to get her back. There isn't. I'm terrified of being alone. Stems from being abandoned as a child i think. I used that against her so many times, guilting her into staying instead of giving her a reason to stay. Guilt and manipulation instead of love. It is no wonder she couldn't take it anymore.

To any who read this. If you find yourself not talking to your significant other, take time to do so. Do it tonight. Turn of the TV and just talk. don't talk about yourself, talk about him/her. Don't show interest, be interested. Be close and feel close. And find a way to be honest with each other and with others around you. It pays off in the long run I think.

Eric_the_Red
04-04-2011, 01:49 PM
I don’t know you personally, but felt I had to respond to this. Your story absolutely breaks my heart, but I am here to tell you…hang in there. Things can change for the better. I am a living testament to that fact.

My first piece of unsolicited advice would be to start talking to God. I don’t know your personal faith, but, again, I was there. My marriage was on the edge of the cliff overlooking divorce. It is only through my submission to Christ and faith in God that healed my marriage and turned it into a blessing. So, talk to God. Read scripture. Confess and repent of the past behavior that you regret. It is amazing how God can restore your soul. No matter what happens from this point on, you will always have the Lord on your side if you invite him in.

You are doing the right thing by getting into therapy. Be open to the process. Be honest. Make sure your therapist is helping you. I would consider inviting your wife into some of your therapy sessions as well.

I would encourage you to do whatever possible to fix your marriage. Do not give up. With God’s grace and your devotion to a very challenging process, it is possible to save your relationship with your wife. Be as transparent as possible with her. Be honest, be open and be sorry. It is a truly humbling experience, and while I obviously cannot guarantee reconciliation, I can tell you from personal experience that it does happen, by God’s grace.

Just a few years ago it looked like my marriage was over. We were separated, I was living somewhere else, and we were talking to lawyers. Now, our marriage is stronger than it ever was, we communicate more and we have been blessed with a child. If you want to talk more, feel free to PM me. I would be happy to share more about our experience and what worked for us, if you want.

Hang in there. I’ll be praying for you.

bucksfan2
04-04-2011, 02:24 PM
Hang in there TRF. It seems as if you have taken the first and maybe the most important step in getting your live back. I wish you all the best and hope that you find happiness again.

TRF
04-04-2011, 02:28 PM
Religion isn't for me. It isn't a lack of faith in God. It's just a bad mix for me. I don't belittle or disrespect anyones beliefs, it's just I don't feel religious beliefs in my heart. My wife does, but a fear that I would put her down has kept her from her faith. Just another straw I suppose.

Though I started therapy only just last week, I have been taking stock of how i got here for quite some time. One thing I know for certain, I cannot change FOR her or my kids. I have to change for ME and hope they receive the benefit. It may not work that way though. I could finally come to accept myself and realize I'm just not a good person. But I think that I can feel trust and interest and love from my family, even if that family is no longer whole.

But if I stay like this, as I am now, I serve no purpose. And I feel like I need to serve a purpose.

oneupper
04-04-2011, 02:33 PM
TRF. Dude. I've followed your blog. This isn't news. She's been in the process of leaving for some time. She was in the house, but not with you. You're rationalizing. You screwed up. She screwed up. It didn't work.

Now. Move on. Get it off your chest and get on with your life. If you feel you need companionship, go find it. Match, eHarmony or Farmersonly if you're into horses. Whatever. Go out on some dates and see that there are other people out there.

Depression sucks. Don't let it suck you in.

Rojo
04-04-2011, 02:40 PM
Learn the difference between contemplation and rumination. I reflexively turn to the latter and call it the former. Take an hour a week to think about the past all you want. The rest of the week, arrest the thoughts as the come up, and plough into something more productive, or at least distracting. It's kind of like quitting smoking, you fight through the urges, over and over. In time the urges are further apart.

Another thing, and this isn't easy to do in this economy, but you might reconsider your job. You're close to your ex and it sounds like you might have a little bit too much time on your hands at work (I say as I type this at work).

medford
04-04-2011, 02:56 PM
Can't say I have any profound advise, but certainly good luck to you. Sounds like you've been in a pretty dark place for a long while. I'm not the most religious person out there, but despite your claims that religion and you don't get along, perhaps you're just being closed minded? Or perhaps you haven't been to the right church? It may well be worth a try "shopping" around, different churches, different religions, find something that appeals to your sensibalities, or perhaps some sort of of charity project that you can jump into.

I grew up catholic, remain catholic. I was once talking to my sister about it, this was before I meet my wife and got back into regularly attending mass. Some of the best advice she gave me on mass, was to look at as an hour each week, where you get the chance to reflect on your life with no outside distractions. Even if you find yourself wondering away from the readings and homilies, you get the time to quitely think to yourself w/ no distractions from phone calls, television, work, etc..

It doesn't even have to be church, it could be as easy as find a nice hiking trail to just get away each saturday morning, out where no one can bug you, or a nice road to run an hour + a couple of times a week. Finding something that can give you self reflection, or perhaps a greater sense of purpose could put you back on the right track, rather than spinning your wheels.

Good luck TRF

TRF
04-04-2011, 03:02 PM
25 feet. we are separate by a hall and 2 doors. A new job is not in the offing. No way can i make what i do now in this economy, somewhere else.

She has been leaving me for a while, but gave me every opportunity to make her want to stay. My blog was half the story. I was too ashamed to admit the truth.

I do try not to dwell on it, and the more active I am, the less i dwell. It is the downtime that kills me. But I can only play so much softball, and at my age, 3 days a week is enough.

My plan for now is to reconnect with my friends that i abandoned, and journal my days. I hope to see a progression in my outlook and hopefully my life. It won't be easy but it has to be better than how I am now.

Eric_the_Red
04-04-2011, 03:21 PM
If I may ask, do you still want to be married to her? I mean, if you could wave a magic wand and have the past healed and your marriage restored, would you do it?

SunDeck
04-04-2011, 03:22 PM
This sounds trivial, but I'll say it- time can be your friend. I've been through some personal tragedies in my lifetime- family suicide and other sudden deaths and I can tell you there were times when I honestly thought there would be no end to the pain. But I learned that slogging through the down parts in life one step at a time, keeping the head down and focusing on the most important tasks at hand leads to the right place.

Now, for a practical perspective; the kids. They are your first priority- the relationship with the spouse is important, but nothing can stand between you and your responsibility to put them first. My wife and I have been through a lot of hell due to the special needs of our son, but never have we forgotten that our own happiness is secondary to that of our children. We exist for them, end of story. That understanding has kept us together, frankly.

I hope you pull out of this- it sounds like therapy is a good place to be right now. Stick with it and things can get better.

TRF
04-04-2011, 04:11 PM
If I may ask, do you still want to be married to her? I mean, if you could wave a magic wand and have the past healed and your marriage restored, would you do it?

yeah. if i could, yeah.

doesn't exist though, and she put her happiness aside for far too long hoping i would come along. She isn't blameless. I make no excuses for her or me, but i know every great thing i have done in my life, every step toward something i would never have attempted on my own is because of her.

I was just too locked into circling the drain to see it.

Eric_the_Red
04-04-2011, 04:16 PM
yeah. if i could, yeah.

doesn't exist though, and she put her happiness aside for far too long hoping i would come along. She isn't blameless. I make no excuses for her or me, but i know every great thing i have done in my life, every step toward something i would never have attempted on my own is because of her.

I was just too locked into circling the drain to see it.

Have you told her this? Both that you want to fix your marriage and the other great thing you wrote at the end above? Are you sincere in both?

Cedric
04-04-2011, 04:24 PM
I cheated.

10 years ago, I had an affair. It was stupid. I had no idea at the time why i was doing it. It happened only a couple of times, but once is enough. I hid it poorly like i wanted to be caught. My wife discovered it 9 years ago right around valentines day. great timing huh.

Normally the person caught does everything he or she can to win their spouse back. I did the opposite. I became more and more withdrawn. I stopped talking to everyone, abandoned my friends, spent all my time on the internet doing both innocent and not so innocent things there. Every couple of years I'd do another thing to get "caught". No more affairs, but just wrong behavior. Not because it was something I wanted to do, but because if I got caught she would be angry, and I felt like I didn't deserve anything but her anger.

Over the last 4 months I have almost completely withdrawn. I have cut off all contact from with my family back east as I can no longer stomach the thought of talking to the people that helped create me. But the decision to do so has taken such a toll on me that I have wrapped myself in a shell no one could get through. My wife, desperately lonely has formed a relationship with someone else. She has moved out, met with an attorney and plans to divorce me.

And I can't really blame her.

I started therapy last week. I've given it a token try in the past, but I didn't like it or the idea of it. Now I know that without it, I may not live the year. This guy at least seems cool.

I once posted on here how I love my wife. A long flowing post that seems hypocritical on the surface now, but is actually how i felt. I could never show her that though, and the loneliness i foisted upon her was too much for her to take.

She's been gone a couple of weeks now, and I have good days and bad. Good when i stay active, bad, mostly at work when i have more time to think and dwell. And her working down the hall from me doesn't help. I miss her, but it took all my screwing up, her leaving for me to realize what i had. I had started blogging a couple of years ago, but wasn't honest in it. I placed blame on her and not where it needed to be. I couldn't accept the love she offered because honestly i didn't know what it is. I still may not know. In fact I'm sure I don't, but I'd like to.

I keep thinking there is something I can do, or say to get her back. There isn't. I'm terrified of being alone. Stems from being abandoned as a child i think. I used that against her so many times, guilting her into staying instead of giving her a reason to stay. Guilt and manipulation instead of love. It is no wonder she couldn't take it anymore.

To any who read this. If you find yourself not talking to your significant other, take time to do so. Do it tonight. Turn of the TV and just talk. don't talk about yourself, talk about him/her. Don't show interest, be interested. Be close and feel close. And find a way to be honest with each other and with others around you. It pays off in the long run I think.

As terrified as you are of being alone I think it might be best for you.

Find yourself and gain redemption over time. It's the best thing in the world.

TRF
04-04-2011, 04:55 PM
My new nickname for myself is too little, too late. I can't blame her for wanting a partner that wants to talk to her, that wants to communicate, that wants to show her love and feel it from her. I just couldn't.

I'm a little screwed up.

TRF
04-04-2011, 05:17 PM
BTW, thank you everyone for the words. It's one reason why i posted. The other is my sincere advice to anyone in a relationship where it feels like you are drifting apart. Stop. take time tonight to tell your partner in life "I love you" and talk about them. Listen to each word and hear what they are saying.

You might not get a better chance. Or another one.

frenetic wave
04-04-2011, 05:34 PM
Perspective filters everything. There probably aren't a lot of things in your life that you are excited about or take pride in- which is understandable given the situation but it is also partly due to a defeatist attitude and withdrawing. If you had just a few small things to look forward to or a few new things to explore and put your focus and attention on, you would notice that your grip on the past and others will loosen and you will start to re-build yourself. Right now it sounds like you are neglecting your body/soul/mind and dwelling on the past and people who are no longer part of your intimate life. Allow yourself to be selfish in a healthy way. Take care of you.

I was depressed for a while after a relationship that went south and I finally got to a point where I realized that I just felt horrible every second of the day. And I asked myself why and I realized that it was because I was literally abandoning my own body and mind. I can never change another person or the past, but I do have the power to change what is in my control- ME. In that dark moment I decided that if I am going to feel miserable and awful, I might as well feel miserable and awful while doing things that will help myself. I also told myself that I accepted that I had grown weak as a person but that I would start re-gaining control of my life where I could, and so I started to take control over my eating habits.

I overhauled my diet and in 3 weeks I lost 10 pounds. And by the 4th week, I started to feel stronger and more in control of my body and mind, and I started to run and lift weights. Eventually I had re-gained pride and control over my body and that did a huge number on the confidence of my mind. I truly believe that part of my depression stemmed from my body/mind being neglected and poorly taken care of. I don't know what your diet and exercise is like, but if it is poor, you can do a lot of good for yourself and your pride and confidence by letting your emotional rock bottom grant you the freedom to slowly take back control of you.

I hope it works out and as others have said, time does help. Build yourself back up so that when you meet the next love of your life you are in a healthy place and can take advantage of it.

Hillsdale87
04-04-2011, 09:21 PM
Religion isn't for me. It isn't a lack of faith in God. It's just a bad mix for me. I don't belittle or disrespect anyones beliefs, it's just I don't feel religious beliefs in my heart. My wife does, but a fear that I would put her down has kept her from her faith. Just another straw I suppose.

Though I started therapy only just last week, I have been taking stock of how i got here for quite some time. One thing I know for certain, I cannot change FOR her or my kids. I have to change for ME and hope they receive the benefit. It may not work that way though. I could finally come to accept myself and realize I'm just not a good person. But I think that I can feel trust and interest and love from my family, even if that family is no longer whole.

But if I stay like this, as I am now, I serve no purpose. And I feel like I need to serve a purpose.

It's interesting that you say that "Religion isn't for me". I'm not sure what you mean when you say that it's a bad mix. I obviously only know the details that you have provided here, but it seems like God is exactly what you are seeking. You say that you're not a good person. This is a conclusion that I reached about myself a long time ago. No matter how hard I try to do good, I am completely helpless and always fall. The beauty of Christianity is that God accepts you even with your imperfections. Jesus came to die to take away the sins of all those that believe in Him. If you believe in Him, your sins are covered and paid for. This is such a hard concept for me because for the longest time I was so focused on doing good and continually failing. I think you will drive yourself crazy if you put your full trust in yourself or in other people for your happiness.

I'll be praying for you as you deal with this situation.

paintmered
04-04-2011, 09:36 PM
TRF,

Thanks for sharing. That must have been supremely difficult to share that with a group of mostly strangers. Good on you for doing it.

I'm in no position to offer advice, so I'm not going to try. But whether it means anything to you or not, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you can find some peace through all of this. And I'm always willing to lend an ear if you need one.

LoganBuck
04-04-2011, 09:59 PM
I have been following your blog since the days when we squared off on Drew Stubbs as a prospect. Hang in there.

You need to get involved with something, anything. It is too important for you to be strong for your children both young and old. I have seen several of my friends and friends families go through divorce. Several of those situations ended very badly, and the common thread was that the man sank into alcohol and self pity.

Get involved, help out a community organization, play more softball, play golf with friends. Don't shutter yourself off from your friends and your family. Knock on doors that you closed. They want to see you and your family move forward and recover to lead healthy lives.

Good luck.

frenetic wave
04-04-2011, 10:01 PM
To echo the non-religious sentiments of the above posts, you do need to interact with people, whether that means going to church, joining a recreational sports league, or joining any similar interest group with a community. When you're down or depressed you will have a concrete idea in your head about how things are, how you are and how people are, and until you start interacting with new people those unhealthy, depressed thoughts will go untested and unchallenged. Meet new people, form new friendships and relationships and give yourself opportunities to remind yourself that you are capable of forming healthy relationships.

If you lock yourself in your room and tell yourself there is a snowstorm outside, that will be your unchallenged reality until you finally open the door and realize the weather is actually much nicer.

Johnny Footstool
04-05-2011, 12:58 AM
I'm sorry for the way things are going, TRF. Stay in therapy, and take it seriously. You can't get better on your own. People want to help you. Let them.

Captain Hook
04-05-2011, 01:38 AM
While it's difficult to lay it all out there like TRF has there's a lot that one can take from his problems.I'm always worried that someday I might take my wife for granted and begin to neglect her love for me.I have a lot of hobbies and friends so I'm constantly examining my priorities and hearing someone else talk about their loss and how they feel about their mistakes helps put things in perspective.

Thanks for having the guts to share and I hope things turn around for you TRF.

Slyder
04-05-2011, 02:38 AM
Getting it out there and admitting there's a problem was a big part for me getting over massive depression in 02. Next thing I did was start talking to a perfect stranger at the University of Akron (one of the councilors), it helped because I knew he was someone I would never see again afterwards and thus no one else would have to know.

I wish I could provide more than just a bit of my personal experience and that my thoughts and prayers will be with you in this trying time.

reds44
04-05-2011, 04:10 AM
I wish I knew what to say, but just keep your head up. The best recipe for this kind of thing is time. You just gotta hang in there, even on your darkest days.

Best wishes.

reds44
04-05-2011, 04:10 AM
I wish I knew what to say, but just keep your head up. The best recipe for this kind of thing is time. You just gotta hang in there, even on your darkest days.

Best wishes.

TRF
04-05-2011, 09:13 AM
Thanks everyone. My daughter came home last night, and will be spending then next week or so with me. She's 12 and this had the potential of really harming her. I also had a friend of nearly 30 years come over last night. Though he and I work on the same campus, we never see each other. I had basically just ignored him as i withdrew more and more. Was up till 2:00 talking to him last night, unloading at times and just good old fashioned talking.

It has been a long time it seems since i had a conversation, and actual conversation with anyone.

I have my second session today. It has me a little nervous. The first day was letting as much out as i could, but now i have no idea what i want to say. I guess it will come out though.

I wish i didn't have to sink so far to realize how much i was giving up, and more importantly how much i was hurting everyone around me.

Mario-Rijo
04-05-2011, 09:37 AM
I don't have any history in this area so I can't say I know exactly how you feel TRF but what I do know about is dark times in general. 2 words, Embrace Living, get an idea of what that is for you and start heading that direction. Your loved and respected here TRF so keep that in mind, we aren't just an internet message board we're a family.

Raisor
04-05-2011, 09:48 AM
Find a good therapist, even if it means going to three or four before you settle on one. I got lucky with mine, I picked her because she went to Miami of Ohio for her undergrad. We hit it off right away. it took awhile but she got me through some really crummy stuff. I went to a pshrink because I had to, I go to my thearpist because I want to.

TRF
04-05-2011, 10:34 AM
I wish my problems were as simple as taking my wife for granted. They aren't I just stopped caring about anything. No, I stopped showing i cared. Maybe both. I was just dying inside everyday a little more. Killing off my personality, and trying my best to sever all meaningful connections.

So my goal now is just honesty. To be as honest as i can to as many people as i can, in the hopes that I can again make real connections. Even if it is on a relatively anonymous messageboard, or facebook, or with the very few friends I haven't alienated completely. "Talking" here has helped a lot, and I wish I could express my gratitude better.

TRF
04-05-2011, 03:54 PM
So it is official. I'll be going to therapy once a week. Was really nervous about today, and while i currently feel like crap, i at least understand why i feel like crap. at least a little bit.

Puffy
04-05-2011, 05:14 PM
So it is official. I'll be going to therapy once a week. Was really nervous about today, and while i currently feel like crap, i at least understand why i feel like crap. at least a little bit.

After reading and interacting with you on this board for a long time I can only ask.......only one day per week?? I would of guessed three or four.

Sorry, couldn't resist. Sorry to hear about all this TRF. You are a good dude so keep keep your head up and heal yourself first. From there its all gravy.

I am also reminded of what Confucious said, "Elevator always smell different to midget"

TRF
04-05-2011, 05:45 PM
If i could afford more, I'd probably do it. seriously, thanks to everyone. I plan to blog at least once per day, some days more. If anyone gets anything from this, realizes similar patterns or if it just makes you take the time to stop and listen to your partner then regardless of how it turns out for me, it will be worth doing.

Ah Redszone, my weird extended family. Raisor, my playboy brother, and Puffy the one that lives under the sink.

Really, thank you, all of you. You have no idea what it has done for me, the interaction alone.

Sean_CaseyRules
04-05-2011, 05:58 PM
When I read page one, my heart also broke, man I feel so bad for you. I really wish there was something I could offer, or say, or do, but I don't know exactly what you're going through.

Though I've had some rough patches, mainly the last year or so, where I've also stopped caring and just didn't believe I deserved anything, I tried to keep a smile on, and until recently no one had said anything to me, or tried to make me feel better, because I did such a good job about keeping it in, although I was hurting so bad inside.

Lately I've just been sad. There's really no reason, other than I'm a little behind with money, but I just wake up everyday and don't really feel like doing anything, or want to talk with anyone, and just feel sorry for myself. I mean I'm finally doing one of my dreams (playing out in a band), and that makes me feel good, at least for a day or two, but after that, I'm just sad. I hate the feeling, and I wish I knew how to conquer it.

But after reading the last two pages, and seeing that you're getting help from people on the board, just makes me feel a little better about the "natural good" in people. It kind of gives me hope that there actually might be something inside me that's worth sharing, and something to feel good about myself.

RFS62
04-05-2011, 11:31 PM
How incredibly brave to put yourself out here like this. I echo what many earlier have said, you're a rock star here, a voice we all want to hear on any important topic.

You get knocked down, you get back up. Again and again. It's never easy, but it's what life is.

A lot of people here feel like they know you, and love you for your heart, your passion, your spirit. The very things you think you're missing.

Get yourself happy, bro. Stop pounding yourself. You do have to own your mistakes, but you aren't defined by them. Just like on an airplane, when the oxygen mask drops, get yours on first, then help your neighbor.

Time to reflect and heal yourself. Open your heart and go where the inner voice takes you.

I can't even imagine the guts it took to start this thread. That's not a small thing. None of us would have ever imagined you were going through all of this. We just know you as a brilliant guy with a love for baseball.

Good luck, and find happiness and embrace it as your birthright.

TRF
04-06-2011, 09:33 AM
One thing i have always worried about was the effect of therapy on me as a person. Would it change me so much that I no longer recognized me? What I failed to realize was that me was really broken. Hell, even I wouldn't want to be around me. And I didn't. I'd fall into non-thinking/doing states all the time. I was... there, and that is about it. Really I still am in that state. Last night was particularly rough. All the stuff brought up in therapy yesterday made me wonder if the deck is just too stacked or if the wall is too high to climb. Fell right back into the same routine. One word answers and lots of TV.

Didn't really want to wake up today. Fortunately the next 5 days are pretty active. That usually helps.

Sea Ray
04-06-2011, 10:01 AM
Thanks everyone. My daughter came home last night, and will be spending then next week or so with me. She's 12 and this had the potential of really harming her. I also had a friend of nearly 30 years come over last night. Though he and I work on the same campus, we never see each other. I had basically just ignored him as i withdrew more and more. Was up till 2:00 talking to him last night, unloading at times and just good old fashioned talking.

It has been a long time it seems since i had a conversation, and actual conversation with anyone.

I have my second session today. It has me a little nervous. The first day was letting as much out as i could, but now i have no idea what i want to say. I guess it will come out though.

I wish i didn't have to sink so far to realize how much i was giving up, and more importantly how much i was hurting everyone around me.

So how many kids are involved here? Did they leave with your wife?

lidspinner
04-06-2011, 10:12 AM
One thing i have always worried about was the effect of therapy on me as a person. Would it change me so much that I no longer recognized me? What I failed to realize was that me was really broken. Hell, even I wouldn't want to be around me. And I didn't. I'd fall into non-thinking/doing states all the time. I was... there, and that is about it. Really I still am in that state. Last night was particularly rough. All the stuff brought up in therapy yesterday made me wonder if the deck is just too stacked or if the wall is too high to climb. Fell right back into the same routine. One word answers and lots of TV.

Didn't really want to wake up today. Fortunately the next 5 days are pretty active. That usually helps.



not sure if this will help, as I have been in your shoes and it really does seem as if nothing will help, especially a bunch of strangers on a internet site....but I was where you are right now, therapy, lost marriage, drinking and doing drugs as an escape....alienated my family because I was broke and did not know how to fix myself, I lost friends, I blamed family for my problems......

bottom line is this....you have to embrace the people that want to help you, maybe one day they will need your help, but today they are helping you....take that all in, cherish it....all these "strangers" on this site will do anything to help you and that in itself is amazing....these people love you TRF....the next thing you need to do is "man up"....you have to realize that the past is the past, you cant live today thinking about the past...today is the new day and the start of you living a new life, dont forget that.

your wife.....if you love her....go get her.....do whatever it takes to get her back, if she is your rock, like my wife is to me, then you need to go get that woman back.....who cares if she is seeing someone else, go far and above what the old TRF would do and try your best.....if she still does not want you back then you will never live another day "wondering" if you could have done more.....never leave that doubt in your head.

the next thing you do....is make a list of all things that you want to do...not what you need to do....but what you want to do....do yo want to see the grand canyon? do you want to go to a Reds game and sit in the diamond club seats? whatever it is, start saving money and start doing the things that TRF wants to do and dont stop until you get things done.....no matter the cost.

I was seeing a therapist once a week due to my past....I wasnt me, and I wanted to change...these are the things that my therapist wanted me to do and it helped me a ton....althought my wife never left, she was mentally gone and ready to pull the trigger on a divorce at any moment....now we are the best of friends and closest of companions...we go to church every sunday and we both make lists of stuff we want to do and we make sure that we each get to do 1 big thing a year....we might go in debt doing them, but we do it..


Hope it works out for ya pal, I really do....keep that head held high and man up, trust me, you will start to feel better...

TRF
04-06-2011, 10:42 AM
So how many kids are involved here? Did they leave with your wife?

we have three kids, 12, 19, 21. The oldest is out of the house, and has started her own family. My son is still in the house as he goes to college and works overnights. My youngest went with my wife for a while but was not comfortable where she is staying, so she is back home. My wife is spending evenings in our house to be around her, which has the side effect of making things a bit uncomfortable. She snaps at me over everything from missing dvd's (my son) to when I am buying my daughter a new toothbrush. I am trying to keep from falling into the trap, snapping back, justifying her treatment of me. damn that is hard.

So i just offer to help. I listen to what she is saying and disregard the tone. Yeah, I'm just dumb enough to finally try, even though it is really too little too late.

secretLOVER
04-06-2011, 03:11 PM
Been through a divorce and I'm broke. Never been happier though!

TRF
04-07-2011, 05:02 AM
weird day. I hit another HR in softball, dead center field, two run shot. my wife was angry at me all day because i got back on facebook. and i am now down to 3 hours of sleep a night it seems. We had a long conversation via text last night. My actions have left her pretty miserable. She wants to be happy again, but doesn't believe that can ever happen with me.

Can't blame her for that.

I just want her to know that I do love her, and the kids. That I no longer want her to wait. I want to no longer think about ending everything because it hurts to look in a mirror or be alone with my thoughts.

I'm finally trying, because the alternative... is not to be here anymore.

frenetic wave
04-07-2011, 05:16 AM
Don't make any drastic decisions on 3 hours of sleep! Trust time, it will always move forward, and what's ahead will never be exactly how it is now. So it will get better. Congrats on the HR, did the team do anything fun afterward?

TRF
04-07-2011, 09:16 AM
Congrats on the HR, did the team do anything fun afterward?

nope. just lost the game.

Benihana
04-07-2011, 11:14 AM
TRF this story is heartbreaking. Keep your head up buddy, and think about things in life that make you happy- your kids, the Reds, whatever else. Things will get better, they always do.

TRF
04-07-2011, 11:26 AM
Trying to take each day at face value. Don't dwell, just look forward. Today along with my daughter's dance practice on stage, which i get to watch, will be about food. particularly the food i am cooking. Carne Asada. all home made, tortillas made fresh in front of me. fresh veggies, spanish rice, refried beans, the whole 9 yards. I've invited my wife to eat with us, but she is dancing around giving an answer. I'd be uncomfortable too. Hell I am uncomfortable. But all of us need to get past where we are now.

Yesterday i was very down, especially on myself. today I actually can breathe a bit. At least I can right this second.

lidspinner
04-07-2011, 11:26 AM
weird day. I hit another HR in softball, dead center field, two run shot. my wife was angry at me all day because i got back on facebook. and i am now down to 3 hours of sleep a night it seems. We had a long conversation via text last night. My actions have left her pretty miserable. She wants to be happy again, but doesn't believe that can ever happen with me.

Can't blame her for that.

I just want her to know that I do love her, and the kids. That I no longer want her to wait. I want to no longer think about ending everything because it hurts to look in a mirror or be alone with my thoughts.

I'm finally trying, because the alternative... is not to be here anymore.




hey bud.....like I said earlier, man up. how is not being here anymore going to help? chumps take that way out. When things get going rough, send a PM to someone here....talk, talk, talk, talk.....it helps. Get more involved with the 12 year old....does she go to the softball park with ya? take her to the movies with a few of her friends.....it all starts with you TRF.....just dont ever think not being here is solving anything.

Unassisted
04-07-2011, 12:16 PM
Sorry to hear you're going through this, TRF. A couple of relatives of mine who are both around my age went through divorces... one went to a therapist and the other one kept mostly to herself. A couple years out from the divorces, the one who went to therapy is much happier and in a much better place than the other. Your mileage may vary, but IMO the therapy had a lot to do with the difference between my relatives. I hope you'll stick with it.

Sounds like you could use a change of pace to give you something to look forward to. Try making a point to do something different every day that takes you away from your usual haunts and doesn't remind you of your situation. Doesn't have to be a big change or a radical one. Take a walk in a park you've never been to before. Go to the next town over and eat at a restaurant you've never been to.

RichRed
04-07-2011, 01:00 PM
I'm finally trying, because the alternative... is not to be here anymore.

TRF, you talk about your actions making those around you miserable. I know you're hurting, but just think what this particular action would do to your wife and kids.

I hope you find a way to heal, and I agree with those who say that therapy is a good idea. There's something about saying things out loud that makes them less scary and takes some of the gravity away. It also helps to remind yourself that you're not the only one who's ever suffered in this way. In addition, though I'm not one who believes a pill is the answer to everything, it's possible that an antidepressant combined with therapy could do you a world of good.

Good luck with everything; I'm pulling for you.

TRF
04-08-2011, 07:49 AM
its over. its actually over. i cant handle this, i dont want it.

Mario-Rijo
04-08-2011, 08:55 AM
its over. its actually over. i cant handle this, i dont want it.

Hey, hey, hey TRF! I hope you aren't going down that dark path bro, please respond to this.

Eric_the_Red
04-08-2011, 09:14 AM
Anyone have any contact info for TRF? His last post and blog entry worry me. Anyone heard anything?

GIK
04-08-2011, 09:45 AM
Agreed. If anyone knows TRF personally, now would be a good time to reach out and see how he's doing.

TRF
04-08-2011, 10:26 AM
i need help. she's filing and i can't breathe. i don't want to live anymore. i don't know what to do.

Slyder
04-08-2011, 10:32 AM
i need help. she's filing and i can't breathe. i don't want to live anymore. i don't know what to do.

I hope this doesn't come off wrong but would you have the means to voluntarily commit yourself to psych hospital where you wouldn't be alone and give you direct access to help?

jojo
04-08-2011, 10:33 AM
i need help. she's filing and i can't breathe. i don't want to live anymore. i don't know what to do.

No one can predict the future so its impossible to say what will happen with your relationship between you and your wife ultimately. At this point you probably don't have a lot of power regarding some of those decisions.

That said... you still have a TON of power over most everything in your life. You can change your life starting the second you finish reading this. You make decisions. You can act, be, become any kind of man you want to be.

You CAN do it.

Hoosier Red
04-08-2011, 10:38 AM
Echoing what everyone else is saying. TRF, try to slow down as much as you can. Please just try to get through one more day, and keep breathing. Know that you'll be able to find happiness again, even if you can't see that now.

We're all thinking about you and sending whatever good thoughts we can.

Raisor
04-08-2011, 10:47 AM
i need help. she's filing and i can't breathe. i don't want to live anymore. i don't know what to do.

call you theropist right now. That's what he or she is there for.

Johnny Footstool
04-08-2011, 10:57 AM
You're not drowning, TRF. It's just life. We all have to go through stuff like this. You ARE strong enough, and you've got friends and family who love you and WANT to support you. Let them.

And call your therapist immediately.

Redsfaithful
04-08-2011, 11:05 AM
Try to think of your 12 year old daughter and your son right now TRF. Put your focus there. And definitely call your therapist now!

Chip R
04-08-2011, 11:16 AM
Try to think of your 12 year old daughter and your son right now TRF. Put your focus there. And definitely call your therapist now!

What he said.

You really want them to go through the heartache of losing their father when they are so young? Get help now!

LoganBuck
04-08-2011, 12:53 PM
TRF get yourself help. Don't think like that. Your kids, ALL OF YOUR KIDS, need you. You can have another wife, girlfriend, relationship, they can only have one DAD. This is the most important thing I can say to you. I have seen families go through divorce and eventually suicide, the kids always suffer, no matter what their age. Be strong and be there for them. They WILL need you.

Unassisted
04-08-2011, 01:18 PM
TRF, things will get better for you and we want to see you get the help you need to make that happen.

We also want to see you here discussing the Reds with us. Even in the worst Reds' seasons, there were wins and moments to enjoy. Focus on the good things that are in your life now and that will help you look forward to the better things in the months and years to come.

gonelong
04-08-2011, 01:59 PM
Hang in there TRF, sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.

Reach out to those that can help you. We all require help as we navigate life, but to get it you have to be willing to accept it. Ask, and accept.

GL

TRF
04-08-2011, 02:20 PM
i'm ok. couldn't deal last night and this morning. i can't seem to let go. I'm aching and i can't stop thinking about it, wishing i said one word that one time. a lot of one times.

thank you for your concern, i mean it.

Slyder
04-08-2011, 06:01 PM
i'm ok. couldn't deal last night and this morning. i can't seem to let go. I'm aching and i can't stop thinking about it, wishing i said one word that one time. a lot of one times.

thank you for your concern, i mean it.

One of the most important things I ever heard was told to me by a roommate I thought couldn't stand me at the time (I was wrong)...

Why dwell in the past? You cannot change the past, but you can learn from your mistakes and make tomorrow that much better.

It got me looking toward the future and really got me out of the haze I had sunk into. I hope it helps you as much as it did me.

Red in Chicago
04-08-2011, 07:21 PM
In the words of Don Corleone, "you can act like a man"

TRF
04-09-2011, 09:17 AM
no more begging, pleading or wallowing.

time to fight.

Eric_the_Red
04-09-2011, 10:28 AM
no more begging, pleading or wallowing.

time to fight.

Fight for or fight against?

SandyD
04-09-2011, 11:34 AM
TRF, you're likely to be on something of an emotional roller coaster for a while. You need help, and seem to be reaching out for it.

1. If you feel like you can't take anymore, call your therapist. Immediately.
2. Have a buddy you trust on standby who will let you vent (verbally) when you need to.
3. Add short term, positive things to your life.
Volunteer at your daughter's school.
Volunteer at a local community event
Take a friend on a nature hike, canoeing, fishing
Things that will get you away from your situation for a few hours.
4. Does you community college have a baseball team? Try to catch a game once a week. Keep score. Teach your daughter to keep score, if she's interested.
5. Check the course listings for summer session. Any classes look interesting to you? Sign up. Audit if you don't want the stress of tests and papers and such. Personally, I think the arts, humanities and pure science are the best options. Maybe a foreign language or PE. You could take up fencing, rowing, or another sport you've never tried, if they're offered.
6. Catch the local or nearby outdoor music festivals. Even if it's not your favorite kind of music.

Longer term? Plant a garden. Take a class or two. Join a book club. Learn to play a musical instrument. Take up a new sport or physical activity. Preferably one you do with others.

None of these activities will solve your problems, but you don't have to do that all at once. Like you said, one day at a time. I'm only trying to offer ideas that will help you to keep looking forward rather than back ... controlling the things you can control.

Take care. And remember rule #1.

TRF
04-09-2011, 03:05 PM
Fight for or fight against?
For.

myself, my kids, my wife, my life.

TRF, you're likely to be on something of an emotional roller coaster for a while. You need help, and seem to be reaching out for it.

1. If you feel like you can't take anymore, call your therapist. Immediately.
2. Have a buddy you trust on standby who will let you vent (verbally) when you need to.
3. Add short term, positive things to your life.
Volunteer at your daughter's school.
Volunteer at a local community event
Take a friend on a nature hike, canoeing, fishing
Things that will get you away from your situation for a few hours.
4. Does you community college have a baseball team? Try to catch a game once a week. Keep score. Teach your daughter to keep score, if she's interested.
5. Check the course listings for summer session. Any classes look interesting to you? Sign up. Audit if you don't want the stress of tests and papers and such. Personally, I think the arts, humanities and pure science are the best options. Maybe a foreign language or PE. You could take up fencing, rowing, or another sport you've never tried, if they're offered.
6. Catch the local or nearby outdoor music festivals. Even if it's not your favorite kind of music.

Longer term? Plant a garden. Take a class or two. Join a book club. Learn to play a musical instrument. Take up a new sport or physical activity. Preferably one you do with others.

None of these activities will solve your problems, but you don't have to do that all at once. Like you said, one day at a time. I'm only trying to offer ideas that will help you to keep looking forward rather than back ... controlling the things you can control.

Take care. And remember rule #1.

I actually work at my community college. taught continuing ed classes for a while, but never took any. I may try that.

Eric_the_Red
04-09-2011, 07:43 PM
Love it, TRF! Praying for you buddy.

Razor Shines
04-09-2011, 08:58 PM
For.

myself, my kids, my wife, my life.


.
First time I've read anything in this thread and smiled.

Mario-Rijo
04-10-2011, 09:47 PM
First time I've read anything in this thread and smiled.

Damn right! :thumbup:

savafan
04-11-2011, 11:50 PM
TRF,

I'm going through almost the exact same thing right now. Maybe we can help each other. I really don't have anybody else.

TRF
04-12-2011, 04:07 AM
TRF,

I'm going through almost the exact same thing right now. Maybe we can help each other. I really don't have anybody else.

sava, pm me anytime i'll give you my email addy.

so, an update. we spoke.

ok we texted.

i'm almost positive she has been with this other guy. what surprises me is that it doesn't matter. i was trying to destroy our marriage, mostly out of life long guilt. she is looking to fill a void in her heart. In a weird way i am glad he was there for her.

so, we texted last night. just casually. when it turned somewhat serious, she balked, but stood her ground that it is over. but she let me text. and she answered. I don't think it is so clear for her right now. I think she has hope that i am changing.

Here is the kicker.. i'm not doing it for her, i'm doing it for me. to no longer be sedentary. I hope she sees it, believes in it, but ultimately my happiness has to come first, with or without her.

I'm really buying into the idea of unconditional love. It may be why i am not so bothered by her relationship with his guy. I WANT her to be happy. I'd prefer it were with me, but in the end that choice is hers, not mine.

But though i was restless, and couldn't sleep, it was not from worry, but from something so foreign to me, i can't put it into words. I just feel like smiling.

I realized how much i'd be missing if i were gone. And I know in my heart how much better i will be to my kids now. In fact, I had the longest conversation with my oldest yesterday in years. no lecture, no disproving tone. just talk. she even invited me to dinner.

my marriage may still be over. I hope it isn't, but i accept the likelihood. My happiness however is in my hands.

and well, i have hope.

frenetic wave
04-12-2011, 04:15 AM
Hey TRF, great to read your latest post. You are a really lucky guy. The way you are able to look at your own situation and find perspective is really a talent and you should feel very proud that you are able to do that. We can all lose it, especially when we're experiencing a trial, but that is where your strength will come from, your ability to find perspective. When you get through this you are going to see how strong you truly are and you're going to be equipped and ready to enjoy the good things that are still in store and also you'll know from experience that you can weather anything and come out standing & still rich with the love and support of your kids and your extended family (and us!). One day at a time, enjoy the good days a little more. :-)

Eric_the_Red
04-12-2011, 06:47 AM
TRF- I love the tone of your post. It seems that you've really turned a corner. Good for you. There will be bumps in the road. There always are. Just try to not let those bumps derail you. Keep going. Eyes forward. Focus on the goal.

As for your marriage, you know I still hold out hope for you guys. Your wife married you and had children with you for a reason. You were once that guy for her, and you can be again. The kicker is that you can still be responsible for your happiness and make sure you hold on to that, and be the husband she deserves.

IMO, the way we gain the most inward happiness is to do for others. Is there a better feeling than watching your kids open their presents Christmas morning? Shower your wife and kids with your love, and you will get a sense of happiness you never dreamed possible. And odds are, they will return the favor.

It sounds as though over the years you made it really hard on those closest to you to stay with you. Now is your chance to make it even more difficult for them to leave you.

Good luck, TRF.

TRF
04-12-2011, 09:05 AM
i still have panic moments. having a bit of one now in fact. but now i know, no i feel that my friends really do care and will help prop me up.

sava, you need to seek some help like that. there are guys and gals on this board that have been so helpful to me.

I almost ended my life thursday. I really came close, and only the thought of my daughter saved me. I had two uncles commit suicide, neither had children. it may have been easier to let go without them.

The light of day makes me less optimistic about my marriage. I still feel so much guilt, but it weighs less everyday. I noticed while walking in to work this morning, my head was up, not down.

I can't remember the last time that happened.

i find.. i just want her to be happy. it hurts me that she isn't. and i don't think she is happy with this decision.

TeamSelig
04-13-2011, 11:43 PM
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change, the realist adjusts the sails.

William Arthur Ward

Slyder
04-14-2011, 12:24 AM
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change, the realist adjusts the sails.

William Arthur Ward

I love that quote, mind if I use it as my sig for a while.

And great to hear you're moving to fight past this TRF.

TRF
04-14-2011, 08:45 AM
trying. stumbled yesterday.

read blog please. i need some help

RFS62
04-14-2011, 09:12 AM
You didn't find all this misery overnight. It won't go away that easily, either. Stay in motion.

Be aware of how dangerous your thoughts are. Sounds to me like your best motivation to not do something drastic is how it will affect your kids. No matter what you think of yourself, they come first. You can't leave them with that to think about the rest of their lives.

When you finally get through this all, after much hard work and introspection, they will understand. If you chose the immediate and seemingly easy way out, they'll be scarred for life, far worse than anything you think you've already done.

Use that to keep you going, dealing with the incredible pain you express in your blog. It's about you, but it's also not about you. Don't forget that, ever.

You think you suck because you tell yourself that non-stop all day and all night long. How could you do anything but suck if that's what you believe in your deepest part of your soul? You have to first become aware that you're doing it, and then make every effort to banish those thoughts. Tell yourself that you'll do whatever you need to do to get better for your kids, if that's what it takes. Just stop the negative self talk. Until you do, you'll live in the world of pain you have become so accustomed to and wallow in. Don't think about stopping it, just stop it. So far, you chose not to because it's so familiar to you.

Don't mean to be harsh, but it's time you become aware of how destructive your self talk is to your recovery. It must stop.

Good thoughts and prayers are coming your way from many places, regardless of how you view such efforts. We believe in you, but you have to believe in yourself, the self you used to be and was once proud of. You haven't lost that guy, you've just covered him up with BS and garbage that you now seem to believe is the real you. It isn't. Strip it away, starting with the negative self talk.

TRF
04-14-2011, 09:29 AM
its just been so long. its like i have had moments of happiness, but was never happy. i want to feel it, but dont know how. i cant stop dwelling on the mistakes.

i cant stop thinking of her.

i dont know how to do what i need to do.

Mario-Rijo
04-14-2011, 09:38 AM
You didn't find all this misery overnight. It won't go away that easily, either. Stay in motion.

Be aware of how dangerous your thoughts are. Sounds to me like your best motivation to not do something drastic is how it will affect your kids. No matter what you think of yourself, they come first. You can't leave them with that to think about the rest of their lives.

When you finally get through this all, after much hard work and introspection, they will understand. If you chose the immediate and seemingly easy way out, they'll be scarred for life, far worse than anything you think you've already done.

Use that to keep you going, dealing with the incredible pain you express in your blog. It's about you, but it's also not about you. Don't forget that, ever.

You think you suck because you tell yourself that non-stop all day and all night long. How could you do anything but suck if that's what you believe in your deepest part of your soul? You have to first become aware that you're doing it, and then make every effort to banish those thoughts. Tell yourself that you'll do whatever you need to do to get better for your kids, if that's what it takes. Just stop the negative self talk. Until you do, you'll live in the world of pain you have become so accustomed to and wallow in. Don't think about stopping it, just stop it. So far, you chose not to because it's so familiar to you.

Don't mean to be harsh, but it's time you become aware of how destructive your self talk is to your recovery. It must stop.

Good thoughts and prayers are coming your way from many places, regardless of how you view such efforts. We believe in you, but you have to believe in yourself, the self you used to be and was once proud of. You haven't lost that guy, you've just covered him up with BS and garbage that you now seem to believe is the real you. It isn't. Strip it away, starting with the negative self talk.

Bolded for truth!!! Like I said earlier embrace the idea of living, I don't mean existing either, living, whatever that ideal scenario is for you. You can't get to where you want to go if you are busy walking backwards or standing still. And quit talking yourself down, you made some mistakes your human for crying out loud.

RFS62
04-14-2011, 09:42 AM
its just been so long. its like i have had moments of happiness, but was never happy. i want to feel it, but dont know how. i cant stop dwelling on the mistakes.



This is your biggest problem. You live in an endless cycle of replaying your mistakes and using them to beat yourself up. It never stops in your mind. Your internal dialogue consists of many versions of "I suck". And you believe it with all your heart.

Until you realize that it's not you that sucks, it's your past behavior that sucks, you won't have a moments peace. YOU don't suck. What you've done may, but YOU don't.

You are what you believe, good, bad or indifferent. You believe with all your heart that you suck. That must stop before any other progress is possible.

It's a self fulfilling prophecy. You spin it into reality with every internal thought. How could you do anything but suck, if you're so convinced that you do?

You have to draw the distinction between yourself and your behavior. Yes, accept responsibility for your actions and do the best you can to stop the behavior you're so ashamed of. Awareness is the first and most important step. Awareness of what is, not all the other BS you keep hammering yourself with. First, become aware that your self talk is holding you down in the mud. You say you don't believe in Heaven or Hell. Well, you're in Hell right now. You define it with everything you say. And you're there because you chose to believe you are.

Once you realize it's your behavior that's abhorrent, not YOU, you can begin to recover your self esteem. And it's a process. You have a well ingrained habit of wallowing in self pity and recrimination, and you can easily justify it by your perception that you actually are the things you've done. They're behaviors, not who you are. They must change, and your self perception must change. Until it does, you'll remain in your self imposed hell on earth.

oneupper
04-14-2011, 10:32 AM
What RFS62 said:

YouTube - Snap out of it Moonstruck (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0x-fkSYDtUY)

Larkin Fan
04-14-2011, 11:47 AM
Great advice as usual from RFS62.

TRF, you've got to stop dwelling on your mistakes. You've got to realize that the past is the past. It's history and there's nothing that you can do to alter it. However, what you can do is learn from your past and change the behaviors that led to the issues. You can do this. You've just got to commit to it.

We all make mistakes. It's the human condition. But those mistakes don't define who we are. What matters is how we learn from those mistakes and our actions as we move forward in life.

I'm very worried about the fact that you keep mentioning ending it all. Redszone is a wonderful place full of a lot of great people with great advice, but none of us are a substitute for seeking proper help in a situation like this. You really need to be addressing these thoughts with your therapist so that the two of you can find ways to work through them. This is absolutely essential, so I urge you to please do this. Suicide will solve nothing and will have a lasting, detrimental effect on your children. I know you don't want this. You've got to remember that no matter how bad things are, the world is still a better place with you in it. That's the truth.

Hang in there. And please, call your therapist. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you can do this all by yourself. Nobody can.

Boss-Hog
04-14-2011, 12:06 PM
I'm very worried about the fact that you keep mentioning ending it all. Redszone is a wonderful place full of a lot of great people with great advice, but none of us are a substitute for seeking proper help in a situation like this. You really need to be addressing these thoughts with your therapist so that the two of you can find ways to work through them. This is absolutely essential, so I urge you to please do this. Suicide will solve nothing and will have a lasting, detrimental effect on your children. I know you don't want this. You've got to remember that no matter how bad things are, the world is still a better place with you in it. That's the truth.

Hang in there. And please, call your therapist. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you can do this all by yourself. Nobody can.

I completely agree. TRF, we're all worried for you and praying that things take a dramatic turn for the better, but as great and helpful as many of the people on this board are, please do not use it as some sort of substitute for the therapy you've acknowledged you need.

TRF
04-14-2011, 01:27 PM
seeing a therapist. its tearing everything open. all the wounds. abandoned by my mom, so many times. shuttled from foster care to family that didnt want me. molested as a 10 year old. everything. i am so damn sad.

my therapist knows i want to end it. got me to call my pcp. i start on Pristiq today for depression. just a week sample. he was afraid if i have more i could hurt myself. he's probably right. also a small prescription for xanax to help me sleep. again, not enough to hurt myself

i keep running scenarios in my head. what if... what about... i end up giving myself false hope my lack of sleep fueling wild mood swings. optimism to rage to oblivion.

my friends are trying. but it is exhausting them. bringing them down. so they avoid me. like yesterday.

its so damn unfair. i never wanted to be like this. i never wanted to be so broken inside, so screwed up. it wasnt that i wouldnt get help, i couldnt.

when i finally realized it, she was gone. and she sees this as a ploy to get her back. i want to be able to breathe again, and i want to do that with her.

TeamSelig
04-14-2011, 02:45 PM
Just remember... if you commit suicide, your daughter will NEVER recover from it.

TRF
04-14-2011, 03:13 PM
saw my therapist. he thinks i'm a bit of a jerk. takes one.

I've decide to quit with the blog. it was only hurting me. wasn't helping. every memory written down was weighing me down more, forcing me to look at what i have lost.

i'll be post here, from time to time. not so much on the baseball side anymore. just doesn't feel as important to me as it used to. maybe it never was. maybe it was just a distraction from my problems, dunno.

got some sleep finally last night. and i am now on anti-depressants. probably should have been for years.

i still miss her so much though. i should have missed her sooner.

i'm not ok. but, i'm... ok, you know? the suicidal thoughts are fading a bit. my son is hovering over me, wont leave me alone. He's the finest man i have ever known.

so i'll be bugging you guys directly. i hope you dont get too tired of it.

Thank you my dear anonymous friends. you mean more to me than you can possibly know.

VR
04-14-2011, 04:37 PM
TRF, you've always been one of my favorites on RZ.

Lots of good advice here already, please keep your head up. If any of us thought too long on our mistakes, we'd be miserable. That's life, we're not perfect....but there's plenty of good times ahead once you are able to square with who you are, and what you've done. Turning the page is never easy, so surround yourself with people you trust while you go through it.

Most importantly, find a way to forgive yourself as fast as possible.

Keep your head up.

Hoosier Red
04-14-2011, 05:29 PM
saw my therapist. he thinks i'm a bit of a jerk. takes one.

I've decide to quit with the blog. it was only hurting me. wasn't helping. every memory written down was weighing me down more, forcing me to look at what i have lost.

i'll be post here, from time to time. not so much on the baseball side anymore. just doesn't feel as important to me as it used to. maybe it never was. maybe it was just a distraction from my problems, dunno.

got some sleep finally last night. and i am now on anti-depressants. probably should have been for years.

i still miss her so much though. i should have missed her sooner.

i'm not ok. but, i'm... ok, you know? the suicidal thoughts are fading a bit. my son is hovering over me, wont leave me alone. He's the finest man i have ever known.

so i'll be bugging you guys directly. i hope you dont get too tired of it.

Thank you my dear anonymous friends. you mean more to me than you can possibly know.

TRF, I don't think any of us would tire of hearing updates from you.

Use us as you need us. It's the advantage of crowdsourcing, we all can try to ease the burden of your problems and by God somebody knows a good answer to get through one more day.

It's funny the way Redszone can work as a distraction from your problems and a surgeon's knife to cut open your emotional wounds. It can be both or neither all at the same time it seems.

kbrake
04-14-2011, 07:32 PM
Hang in there TRF. Trust me, therapy, can be life changing but you will take your lumps just stick it out.

TRF
04-14-2011, 08:51 PM
just got back from my daughter's dance dress rehearsal. very hard for me. i see now it isn't that i lost my wife, i'm losing my family. i never had one growing up. mom always taking off, no dad. and its easy to say i haven't lost it, it has just changed, but for me it is lost. i need them all around me.

this sucks. i didn't get help in time? thats it? it isnt fair.

kbrake
04-14-2011, 08:56 PM
just got back from my daughter's dance dress rehearsal. very hard for me. i see now it isn't that i lost my wife, i'm losing my family. i never had one growing up. mom always taking off, no dad. and its easy to say i haven't lost it, it has just changed, but for me it is lost. i need them all around me.

this sucks. i didn't get help in time? thats it? it isnt fair.

There is always time TRF you just need to realize that it might take time. And you need to start to get yourself healthy and then you can start to repair relationships. The people around you need you in their life but they need you healthy and you need to take care of yourself before you can worry about anything else. Good luck, TRF.

TRF
04-14-2011, 09:27 PM
i know the quick fix wont work, wont last. i know. it hurts though.

my moving out tomorrow is a sham. i have nowhere to go. i'll be sleeping at therest area outside amarillo. something i did in my late teens too. i'll see my daughter everyday as i pick her up from school. hopefully i have enough for a place may 1, but because we were so far behind on the house payment, getting caught up put me at $600 OD. my friends, have vanished knowing i need a place to crash. some friends.

ah well, it is what it is.

Red Leader
04-14-2011, 09:34 PM
There is always time TRF you just need to realize that it might take time. And you need to start to get yourself healthy and then you can start to repair relationships. The people around you need you in their life but they need you healthy and you need to take care of yourself before you can worry about anything else. Good luck, TRF.

I completely agree with this, TRF. It may feel to you as if you are losing your family. I assure you, that isn't the case. You will always be your daughter's father. Same with the rest of your kids. What you need to do right now is take care of yourself. If things with your wife can be repaired, they will only be repaired after you get your life in order, deal with your problems, struggles, difficulties, whatever. That should be your #1 priority right now. Find that person inside you that you like, that you admire, and start developing that person to become who you will be. Once that is done you can start working on re-establishing prior relationships.

Raisor
04-14-2011, 09:43 PM
25 months ago I was two days away from killing myself. I was on "vacation" from work, which at the time meant I was working 70 hours that week instead of 90. Couldn't let it go. Stuff had been building up since I was a kid, but the stress from the job was the stresser that set me off. From Jan of that year to March I had lost about 35 lbs, just because I wasn't eating at all, well, not more then a few bites here and there. I was working until 11 or 12 at night and waking up at 5 to start working again. Had to take sleeping pills to get any sleep and then had to freebase coffee to wake up. I stopped taking care of myself, was only showering a couple times a week, my hair had grown out to unacceptable work lengths and I stopped shaving. Looked like a patchy Johnny Damon from his cave man days. My wife, of course, knew there was something wrong. So did my mom and dad. They were hoping I'd catch a breather during my "vacation", but instead I kept working. Mom and the wife got together and made me go to my primary care phys, who I'd never been to, but he was on my plan at the time. Within five minutes of going into the little room, I was telling her that I wanted to kill myself and was planning how I was going to do it. The pcp (she was actually a nurse pract), had me call the wife in and I repeated what I had said to her. While she knew I was bad, she didn't know how bad. They then got together and came up with a plan where I checked myself into a mental health rehab center as a day patient (didn't have to stay overnight, thank God, though I probably should have). Got to talk to more docs, and they put me on some big time anti-depressents, four of them (which I'm still on). For the next 6 weeks, I was in therapy for 6 hours a day, every weekday. Started out in group, which at first I hated, but eventually I got over being mad and let myself start to get better. I also started to go to a private therapist weekly, which I did for about a year.
(How's that for a run-on paragraph?)

I'm not 100% yet, but my good days out number my bad days by 4 to 1 at this point. I'm taking a break from my therapist right now. We kind of ran out of things to talk about so I'm now only supposed to make an appt when I need to, which has probably been too long now.

I guess the main point in this ramble is to say, TRF, that you aren't alone. It may feel like it, but you're not. And things can and do get better, it just takes time.

Slyder
04-14-2011, 09:58 PM
i know the quick fix wont work, wont last. i know. it hurts though.

my moving out tomorrow is a sham. i have nowhere to go. i'll be sleeping at therest area outside amarillo. something i did in my late teens too. i'll see my daughter everyday as i pick her up from school. hopefully i have enough for a place may 1, but because we were so far behind on the house payment, getting caught up put me at $600 OD. my friends, have vanished knowing i need a place to crash. some friends.

ah well, it is what it is.

I know around Charleston, WV there's a mens shelters who's sole purpose is to give people a stable place while they build/rebuild. I don't know about Amarillo maybe look online, it's not ideal but at least you'd likely have a stable place of residence with some comforts. Keep your head up it will take time.

TRF
04-14-2011, 10:42 PM
25 months ago I was two days away from killing myself. I was on "vacation" from work, which at the time meant I was working 70 hours that week instead of 90. Couldn't let it go. Stuff had been building up since I was a kid, but the stress from the job was the stresser that set me off. From Jan of that year to March I had lost about 35 lbs, just because I wasn't eating at all, well, not more then a few bites here and there. I was working until 11 or 12 at night and waking up at 5 to start working again. Had to take sleeping pills to get any sleep and then had to freebase coffee to wake up. I stopped taking care of myself, was only showering a couple times a week, my hair had grown out to unacceptable work lengths and I stopped shaving. Looked like a patchy Johnny Damon from his cave man days. My wife, of course, knew there was something wrong. So did my mom and dad. They were hoping I'd catch a breather during my "vacation", but instead I kept working. Mom and the wife got together and made me go to my primary care phys, who I'd never been to, but he was on my plan at the time. Within five minutes of going into the little room, I was telling her that I wanted to kill myself and was planning how I was going to do it. The pcp (she was actually a nurse pract), had me call the wife in and I repeated what I had said to her. While she knew I was bad, she didn't know how bad. They then got together and came up with a plan where I checked myself into a mental health rehab center as a day patient (didn't have to stay overnight, thank God, though I probably should have). Got to talk to more docs, and they put me on some big time anti-depressents, four of them (which I'm still on). For the next 6 weeks, I was in therapy for 6 hours a day, every weekday. Started out in group, which at first I hated, but eventually I got over being mad and let myself start to get better. I also started to go to a private therapist weekly, which I did for about a year.
(How's that for a run-on paragraph?)

I'm not 100% yet, but my good days out number my bad days by 4 to 1 at this point. I'm taking a break from my therapist right now. We kind of ran out of things to talk about so I'm now only supposed to make an appt when I need to, which has probably been too long now.

I guess the main point in this ramble is to say, TRF, that you aren't alone. It may feel like it, but you're not. And things can and do get better, it just takes time.

phil, wow. i wish i knew. you've been one of my best friends on here, and i just wish i knew that.

just texted back and forth with Connie. i'm leaving in the morning. i have no place to go, but my daughter needs and misses her mom. so i am doing this for her. for Connie too. she needs her kids. i told her i am staying with a friend, but the truth is i dont have any. probably go to the shelter or sleep at the rest area. which is fine. because i want to do this, for all of them.

and that is the first time i thought of anyone but myself in weeks.

TeamSelig
04-14-2011, 11:26 PM
You're not losing your family, TRF. It might not be as conventional but its still a family... there are plenty of healthy divorced families out there. Growing up I just had my mother (never met my dad) and while I might have missed out on some things, my Mom did a fantastic job raising me... continue to be a good dad to your kids and make that your priority in life. It might feel like your life has been blown apart but what goes up must come down... gradually the pieces of your life will fall back into place.

Slyder
04-14-2011, 11:35 PM
You're not losing your family, TRF. It might not be as conventional but its still a family... there are plenty of healthy divorced families out there. Growing up I just had my mother (never met my dad) and while I might have missed out on some things, my Mom did a fantastic job raising me... continue to be a good dad to your kids and make that your priority in life. It might feel like your life has been blown apart but what goes up must come down... gradually the pieces of your life will fall back into place.

My dad was divorced before he married my mom and he had a son from the first marriage who came over every weekend, my dad always went to his games, and was just as involved even though his mom had custody the majority of the time.

TRF
04-15-2011, 09:14 AM
Day two on pristiq. Edge is lessened. No longer feel like weeping all the time. Wish I had done it sooner. Moving out today. My little girl is very sad. I'm worried about her.

TRF
04-15-2011, 04:29 PM
Connie came over. Wants to discuss separation of assets.

I tried. But it was too late. What is the point? On meds that make me thirsty all the time. Still can't find happiness, but I get my daughter half the time. Half!

I'm so pissed. I get to be homeless for the next six weeks. My daughter needs her. And she needs Emily. How messed up is that, I still care what she needs.

BuckeyeRed27
04-15-2011, 05:16 PM
TRF,

I know it's difficult and I forget if you have mentioned it, but I would strongly advise talking to an attorney if you haven't already.

TRF
04-15-2011, 07:12 PM
I hate this. Hate what I have become. Hate everything. Just so damned mad. I lose everything.

RFS62
04-15-2011, 07:20 PM
I hate this. Hate what I have become. Hate everything. Just so damned mad. I lose everything.



It's stuff, TRF. Just stuff. Would you stay the way you were to keep the stuff?

You've hit rock bottom, now it's time to remember who you used to be. It won't be easy, as you well know.

Express your anger and anguish..... howl at the moon.... get it out of your system, you can't keep it bottled up.....but at the end of the day it's time to face reality and change the way you do things.

Stop hurting yourself. That's what they all want. For you to stop hurting yourself. That hurts them more than anything else you could do.

One thought at a time, stop allowing yourself to berate yourself. Stop it. Don't think of the immensity of the whole deal. One thought at a time.

Don't keep telling yourself how bad you are. It's time to remember who you used to be. It's still in there.

TRF
04-16-2011, 01:14 PM
she files on friday. takes joy in telling how happy she is now. and i sink further. no where to go. stayed with a friend last night. cant stay long though. no money few friends.

daughters recital is tomorrow.trying to make it to tomorrow.

i gave it all away. i lost everything.

Reverend Doo-Rag
04-16-2011, 02:05 PM
You left your home? Why? You need to get back in there. It's your home.

Did you leave for your daughter's sake? You need to BE in there for your daughter.

Leaving the marital home for no good reason is the #1 mistake divorcing dads make.

Go here and read up: www.dadsdivorce.com

You may think you lost it all. You need to fight to keep what's yours.

The mother's next step will be nudging you out of your children's lives.

TRF
04-16-2011, 03:30 PM
tough times for my daughter. a friends dad was killed in an auto accident two weeks ago. last week a classmate was killed in a gun accident. plus the stress of her dance recital and all of this. she needed her mom. and her mom needs her.

and i care for them both.

SandyD
04-16-2011, 03:44 PM
Caring for them both means you will be there for them as they grow. You aren't/shouldn't give everything away.

You really should speak to an attorney. And don't sign anything in your current state of mind without someone looking it over on your behalf.

TRF
04-16-2011, 03:53 PM
perfect setup for her. i cant afford one because i need to make sure em is cared for.

Redsfaithful
04-16-2011, 05:09 PM
I also don't know why you left, if you weren't court ordered. You need to speak to an expert because you're making bad decisions. Being homeless for six weeks when you had a place to live isn't helping anyone.

TRF
04-16-2011, 05:20 PM
I also don't know why you left, if you weren't court ordered. You need to speak to an expert because you're making bad decisions. Being homeless for six weeks when you had a place to live isn't helping anyone.

Was my choice. Did it for them. I'm not needed. But Em needs her mom right now. And her mom needs her.

Joseph
04-16-2011, 05:37 PM
Go home pal. You're compounding mistakes with bad decisions now and you're rationalizing it to boot.

jojo
04-16-2011, 05:49 PM
Go home. Get a lawyer. Start working on yourself. Maybe you can fire the lawyer later.

Tommyjohn25
04-16-2011, 06:14 PM
With all due respect TRF, it sounds like your wife is beginning to play you for a fool. I know it's hard, but if she is going to basically bully you out of your OWN HOUSE, maybe some further perspective is in order? Like maybe you'll be better off in the long run without her and just try and learn to live with split custody of your daughter. If your wife is going to to continue to make you feel more helpless (and to me it sounds like she KNOWS what she's doing), perhaps it's for the best if you tell HER to take a hike.

Also. Get a lawyer involved. Yesterday.

TRF
04-16-2011, 06:15 PM
Trying to get through tomorrow. Checking in to a place on Monday. Meds aren't helping.

SandyD
04-16-2011, 06:22 PM
A place meaning a clinic? Why do you have to wait until Monday? You may need a few days to get the right mix of meds. Seriously, not a bad idea.

Raisor
04-16-2011, 07:48 PM
TRF,

You seriously need to go check yourself in at the hospital. They can give you meds there you can't take at home, bigger doses and such.

I was an out patient at our hospital for six weeks dealing with these issues. It's not a weakness, it's a strength.

savafan
04-16-2011, 08:13 PM
Go home pal. You're compounding mistakes with bad decisions now and you're rationalizing it to boot.

Agreed.

Redsfaithful
04-16-2011, 09:21 PM
I'm not needed.

Not true. And if your wife wants to be close to your daughter then offer to sleep on the couch while she takes the bedroom.

frenetic wave
04-16-2011, 10:28 PM
TRF, if you truly want to be selfless and do what is best for your kids (and to give them a good example), you will go back home and you will be with them. Leaving and living in a rest stop isn't noble and it isn't selfless. BE STRONG AND DON'T LEAVE! You will thank yourself a million times for it in the future. Trust!

savafan
04-17-2011, 12:27 AM
I'd been expecting it for some time, but my wife finally came home tonight and told me that she'd met someone and will be moving out in August.

The difference between you and I, TRF, is that I've been through this before, and I've become numb to it. Seriously, there's very little feeling or emotion left in my body, which probably isn't a good thing.

Larkin Fan
04-17-2011, 01:31 AM
Trying to get through tomorrow. Checking in to a place on Monday. Meds aren't helping.

TRF,

You're expecting too much, too fast from your meds. With Pristiq, it takes 30 to 45 days for the drug to build up enough in your system and start working. This is something that your doctor should have warned you about. Don't abandon the meds. It's essential that you KEEP TAKING THEM.

Right now, you're not capable of making rational decisions. Your reasoning for leaving is that your daughter needs her mom. But that's where you're wrong. She needs BOTH of you. Furthermore, living in a rest stop is not the best thing for anyone right now. It's only going to complicate things further for you. If you were thinking rationally, you would see this.

I urge you to follow Raisor's advice. He's been through it and he knows what he's talking about. Checking yourself into a hospital is the best possible thing you can do for yourself right now. They can do things that will help you get through this, while you're waiting for the anti-depressant to take effect. Amarillo has the Northwest Texas Healthcare System, which has a special unit known as The Pavilion to deal with behavorial health issues. Their phone number is 800-537-2585 or 806-354-1810. Please call them. Let them help you through this and get yourself on solid ground again so that you can deal with things and address everything that you have facing you with a clear and rational mind. Please make that call, TRF. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter.

TRF
04-17-2011, 01:45 AM
I'd been expecting it for some time, but my wife finally came home tonight and told me that she'd met someone and will be moving out in August.

The difference between you and I, TRF, is that I've been through this before, and I've become numb to it. Seriously, there's very little feeling or emotion left in my body, which probably isn't a good thing.

I wish there was something I could say. But I'm empty.

I'm so sorry.

Redsfaithful
04-17-2011, 01:52 AM
Listen to Larkin Fan, he's giving you great advice.

TRF
04-17-2011, 01:48 PM
I'm sorry

top6
04-17-2011, 02:05 PM
I'm sorry

I have been following this thread as I am also going through a (fortunately childless) divorce as well, and I do not like this post. Don't do something stupid. Please post and let us know you are OK. And please think about your daughter. You have to get better for her. You have to.

SandyD
04-17-2011, 02:13 PM
TRF, your human like everyone else. We are flawed beings and make mistakes. There are always ups and downs in life.

My dad took me fishing for my 13th birthday. Fishing off the pier at Reelfoot Lake near where we lived. I'm now planning my dad's 80th birthday party. Don't let your daughter miss out on having her father in her life. You really don't want to do that to her.

Call the numbers LarkinFan provided. Call your therapist. Let them help you get through this.

Sea Ray
04-17-2011, 02:22 PM
I'd been expecting it for some time, but my wife finally came home tonight and told me that she'd met someone and will be moving out in August.

The difference between you and I, TRF, is that I've been through this before, and I've become numb to it. Seriously, there's very little feeling or emotion left in my body, which probably isn't a good thing.

What a wimp. So she's not strong enough to move out (on her own) unless there's someone else? She must be a very weak person. As I recall this isn't the first time she's left you for someone else

savafan
04-17-2011, 03:33 PM
What a wimp. So she's not strong enough to move out (on her own) unless there's someone else? She must be a very weak person. As I recall this isn't the first time she's left you for someone else

You would be correct.

Sea Ray
04-17-2011, 05:03 PM
You would be correct.

I'm sorry you've got a son in the picture. It'd be much easier otherwise to make a clean break. What's her attitude towards the kid? Does she want him or is he just a bother to her?

savafan
04-17-2011, 05:48 PM
I'm sorry you've got a son in the picture. It'd be much easier otherwise to make a clean break. What's her attitude towards the kid? Does she want him or is he just a bother to her?

She wants him, and she's good with him, but then again so am I. That really is the hardest part.

Handofdeath
04-17-2011, 08:19 PM
I've been a friend of TRF's (Tommy) for 26 years and I would like to please ask for everyone's prayers. He's disappeared. The police, his friends, and even his wife are looking for him. He called his daughter to tell her goodbye. Please send prayers and good thoughts his way.

I'll post when they find him.

SandyD
04-17-2011, 08:53 PM
Please let us know if we can help.

Handofdeath
04-17-2011, 09:02 PM
Facebook chat contact just made 15 minutes ago.

savafan
04-17-2011, 09:16 PM
Is he back home?

Handofdeath
04-17-2011, 09:23 PM
Is he back home?

Not yet. I'll post more later. Thanks for your concern.

RedEye
04-17-2011, 09:50 PM
Wow. This is nearly my first time in the non-baseball forums, and definitely the most intense thread I've ever read. I really hope TRF is okay. Although I've never met him, I feel like I know him from reading his posts over the past five years. My thoughts and prayers are with him and his family. Come back soon!

top6
04-17-2011, 10:20 PM
I have been checking this thread several times today, and a few times it's indicated that TRF (or someone using his account) was looking at it. Not sure if that's helpful. I did try to send him a PM, but no response.

Gainesville Red
04-17-2011, 10:31 PM
C'mon, man, don't do this. Keep posting.

Handofdeath
04-17-2011, 10:34 PM
Just found out he took a ****load of sleeping pills and they found him unconscious at a local park. I'll post more when I find out. Please send your prayers.

Handofdeath
04-17-2011, 10:35 PM
C'mon, man, don't do this. Keep posting.

Red, I'm doing the best I can.

Gainesville Red
04-17-2011, 10:38 PM
Red, I'm doing the best I can.


And I appreciate it. Keep us updated.

Red Leader
04-17-2011, 10:39 PM
Prayers being said.

Slyder
04-17-2011, 10:47 PM
Prayers being sent.

Handofdeath
04-17-2011, 10:50 PM
They just took him to the hospital. Northwest Texas Hospital in Amarillo, Texas.

Handofdeath
04-17-2011, 10:52 PM
It may be a while before I find out anything so sit tight.

Handofdeath
04-17-2011, 11:54 PM
Still no word. I'm trying to find out something. My problem is that I'm in Oklahoma City and he's in Amarillo. Sorry I can't tell you more.

Redsfaithful
04-18-2011, 12:26 AM
Been thinking about this all weekend, and had such a bad feeling. Went so far as to think about trying to get ahold of him somehow, but really didn't know a way to do that that wouldn't have involved his workplace. Beating myself up now that I didn't come up with something.

Hoping TRF is ok and can spend some time getting better.

Handofdeath
04-18-2011, 12:54 AM
Hopefully we can just get him through this.

Handofdeath
04-18-2011, 02:52 AM
Okay, here's the latest and it's great news. He's in the hospital and he's alive. There is no room at the Pavilion, which is Amarillo's mental health facility, until Monday. Sometime Monday he will be transferred there and evaluated. I assume he will be there at least 72 hours but I think his stay will be much longer than that and it should be. On behalf of his immediate family and friends we thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I will be posting when I get more news. Please be patient since I'm 230 miles away from him but when I hear something you will be immediately notified. Please continue to keep him in your thoughts and prayers because he has a long road back. God bless you.

Mario-Rijo
04-18-2011, 06:28 AM
Okay, here's the latest and it's great news. He's in the hospital and he's alive. There is no room at the Pavilion, which is Amarillo's mental health facility, until Monday. Sometime Monday he will be transferred there and evaluated. I assume he will be there at least 72 hours but I think his stay will be much longer than that and it should be. On behalf of his immediate family and friends we thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I will be posting when I get more news. Please be patient since I'm 230 miles away from him but when I hear something you will be immediately notified. Please continue to keep him in your thoughts and prayers because he has a long road back. God bless you.

Thanks for the updates HoD. Hope things start getting better for him this is crazy.

Handofdeath
04-18-2011, 07:02 AM
Thanks for the updates HoD. Hope things start getting better for him this is crazy.

Getting psychological help is a start. The impending divorce just lit the fuse of something that was going to explode eventually. He's got issues that have festered for decades. The facility he's going to is very good. He just needs to accept help and understand that the problems won't be resolved overnight.

TRF
04-18-2011, 02:33 PM
I'm ok.

Thanks.

Eric_the_Red
04-18-2011, 02:44 PM
I'm ok.

Repeat this to yourself over and over and over again.

You are okay. Life will be okay again.

It may take a week or a month or a year, but you will get there. Forgive youself and let yourself live your life to it's fullest.

LoganBuck
04-18-2011, 02:48 PM
TRF, just be strong, get the help you need. Your children need you alive and well. People want you around.

I will be praying for you.

BuckeyeRed27
04-18-2011, 02:50 PM
Get better TRF. Glad you're still with us.

Sea Ray
04-18-2011, 02:52 PM
I'm ok.

Thanks.

Are you surprised you woke up and you're still here? I can tell you this, I am...:beerme:

dabvu2498
04-18-2011, 03:00 PM
TRF -- You are loved. It may not feel like it all the time, but trust me, you are. Hell, there are dozens of "strangers" here on this site who love you. Try to keep that forward in your mind. Prayers for you, my man.

Handofdeath
04-18-2011, 06:30 PM
I'm ok.

Thanks.

Just take care of you above all else. And I know you hate hearing this but I love you.

RedsManRick
04-18-2011, 07:14 PM
I'm ok.

Thanks.

Great to hear it TRF. I know things suck right now; just know that a lot of people care about you and will help see you through this if you let them.

You're in our thoughts.

savafan
04-18-2011, 09:54 PM
I'm here for you also TRF. You need friends right now, and I'm more than happy to be one. We'll get through this together. Sending you a friend request on Facebook, from David!

Redsfaithful
04-18-2011, 11:57 PM
Thinking of you TRF. Get better.

Red Leader
04-19-2011, 12:23 AM
Get better, TRF. I'm glad you are at a place where you can get some help. It will get much, much better.

gilpdawg
04-19-2011, 12:46 AM
I haven't posted on this thread yet. Didn't really know what to say I guess. But I've been following. You're in my thoughts.

Sent from my Liberty using Tapatalk

Homer Bailey
04-19-2011, 12:50 AM
I haven't posted on this thread yet. Didn't really know what to say I guess. But I've been following. You're in my thoughts.

Sent from my Liberty using Tapatalk

Ditto here. Too much to live for TRF, please do all you can to get better.

RiverRat13
04-19-2011, 09:05 AM
I haven't posted on this thread yet. Didn't really know what to say I guess. But I've been following. You're in my thoughts.


+1. Get better, TRF!

Handofdeath
04-19-2011, 02:25 PM
I just got word that TRF will be at the hospital until Thursday at least. I'll keep the folks at Redszone posted. Keep the prayers, good thoughts, and good vibes coming.

Red Leader
04-19-2011, 03:09 PM
I'm hoping that TRF realizes he's in a good place where he's at and is at the hands of people that can help him. For that reason, I hope he stays there as long as he needs to so he can get better. That's what is important right now.

And thank you, HoD for your updates. I certainly appreciate it.

reds44
04-20-2011, 01:53 AM
I'm hoping that TRF realizes he's in a good place where he's at and is at the hands of people that can help him. For that reason, I hope he stays there as long as he needs to so he can get better. That's what is important right now.

And thank you, HoD for your updates. I certainly appreciate it.
Amen. I just read the last few pages of this thread, and this might be the best thing that ends up happening to him. Hopefully he gets the help he truly needs.

Praying for you buddy!

Larkin Fan
04-20-2011, 12:27 PM
I just got word that TRF will be at the hospital until Thursday at least. I'll keep the folks at Redszone posted. Keep the prayers, good thoughts, and good vibes coming.

I hope it's a bit longer than that. You can't rush recovery. Tell him to hang in there and to get well soon.

Handofdeath
04-20-2011, 11:20 PM
TRF will be leaving the hospital Thursday and will be taking some time off from work. He'll be staying with some mutual friends of ours for a while. Hopefully he can post soon. No lectures when he comes back please, he knows what he did wrong. Support and love is what he needs most. He'll certainly get it here I'm sure.

OnBaseMachine
04-21-2011, 12:05 AM
I haven't posted on this thread yet. Didn't really know what to say I guess. But I've been following. You're in my thoughts.

Sent from my Liberty using Tapatalk

Same here. I'll be thinking of you TRF. :)

TeamSelig
04-21-2011, 01:16 PM
Hopefully the Reds can go on a winning streak, that always puts a smile on my face

medford
04-21-2011, 05:01 PM
wow. Been a while since I looked at this thread, made my way thru the last 8+ pages that I hadn't looked. I don't think I've ever read anything as chilling as "I'm sorry".

Good luck man, you're in my thoughts.

Thanks for the updates Hand

Handofdeath
04-21-2011, 09:21 PM
Not sure of the exacts but it was recommended by the Dr's to a judge that TRF continue to remain where he's at for now. I am actually fine with that myself. I haven't been able to get in touch with him but my sister has talked to him over the phone. He is doing okay and continuing to get the help he needs.

Larkin Fan
04-21-2011, 09:27 PM
Not sure of the exacts but it was recommended by the Dr's to a judge that TRF continue to remain where he's at for now. I am actually fine with that myself. I haven't been able to get in touch with him but my sister has talked to him over the phone. He is doing okay and continuing to get the help he needs.

Thanks for the update, HOD. I'm very relieved that the doctor made that recommendation because I was very worried that they were letting him out too soon.

Slyder
04-22-2011, 12:03 AM
Not sure of the exacts but it was recommended by the Dr's to a judge that TRF continue to remain where he's at for now. I am actually fine with that myself. I haven't been able to get in touch with him but my sister has talked to him over the phone. He is doing okay and continuing to get the help he needs.

Thank you for all the updates. And I think most on this thread would agree with the doc that TRF is better off staying where he's at for now. My prayers for everyone involved HoD.

Chip R
04-22-2011, 09:30 AM
Thanks for all you are doing, HOD.

TRF, get better soon.

Handofdeath
04-22-2011, 05:59 PM
He's out now. Hopefully, he'll post soon.

Ron Madden
04-25-2011, 03:00 AM
[QUOTE=gilpdawg;2355953]I haven't posted on this thread yet. Didn't really know what to say I guess. But I've been following. You're in my thoughts.
/QUOTE]

This goes for me as well. Hang in there TRF, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Sean_CaseyRules
04-27-2011, 11:12 PM
TRF,

I'm glad you're still around man. You were definitely in my prayers, and like what's already been said before, we love you here man. Although we haven't actually met, I feel as if we've been friends for a while while reading this thread. Things WILL get better, it may take a while, but they will. And we're all gonna be here for every step of the way!

savafan
04-30-2011, 06:53 PM
He's had some really good days to bad days lately. He and I have been in contact on a mostly daily basis.

TRF
05-10-2011, 11:08 AM
It's been three weeks since I went in, been visiting, but too embarrassed and ashamed to post.

I'm on a different medication now, Celexa. So no more cotton mouth. I try for at least 6 hours of sleep per night, but i won't lie, I was up 4 straight days last week. A friends husband's unit was put on high alert after Bin Laden was killed and it was possible he might be deployed. So i stayed up all night with her on the phone until she received word he wouldn't be. He was on maneuvers at the time.

I take my medication everyday at the same time. I got my therapist from the Pavilion to agree to take me on as a patient. My last therapist was so fatalistic, that he never actually helped me, and in fact may have contributed to my actions.

But I'm not blaming anyone or anything. Just myself. It seemed so logical at the time and so insane now. I had been up for almost a week with about 3 hours sleep total. I was on a new medication. And my world was falling apart. When I described my attempt to my counselor her exact words were, "wow, you were serious." Most of the patients were impulse attempts. I had a plan. I took two pills at a time a few minutes apart so i wouldn't throw up. I bought lunch, muffins and a Bible, hoping to find some meaning in all this. I hadn't eaten in a week, and that probably saved my life. I got to a point where i couldn't put any more in my body... i was just too full. Funny how things work like that.

I have good and bad days. My friends have taken me in, no questions asked. They give me whatever support i ask for. I don't want my marriage to be over, but i know i have to prepare myself for that happening.

It's been a whirlwind of a week, with my youngest's 13th birthday party saturday, my oldest's first mother's day and the big news... I am adopting her and her brother. Now that they are legally adults, I can adopt them without their biological father's consent. My oldest actually asked me to do it, even though she is less than a year from getting married. She has said she'll keep my name and hyphenate. I am touched beyond words by this.

I want to thank all of you for the kind thoughts and messages in this thread and in private. I want to especially thank savafan as I believe we have formed the beginning of a great friendship. He's dealing with problems too, so please keep him in your thoughts.

So, thank you. for the personal stories in private, you know who you are. Thank you for the public support, and the caring you showed a stranger with three letters for a name.

I will be posting less, and trying to talk more. I'm on Facebook way too much, but its the best way for me and sava to talk. A few of you have friended me there, and I welcome all others.

I'm also back to blogging again, but more of a day in the life thing, to help me sort my thoughts rather than wallow in self pity. of course, you'll see a little wallowing there from time to time. But I'm trying.

Don't know what else to say. Honestly, thank you seems so lame, but is the only thing I know of to express my gratitude. And I hope I never put any of you through anything like this again.

Unassisted
05-10-2011, 11:23 AM
Best way to thank us is to keep getting better, TRF. It's great to hear that you are getting some local help and support from family and professionals.

Homer Bailey
05-10-2011, 11:28 AM
Very happy to have you back and better TRF.

Sea Ray
05-10-2011, 11:34 AM
Great to hear from you! Thanks for checking in

RedsManRick
05-10-2011, 11:54 AM
Awesome news, TRF! I'll certainly continue to keep you (and Sava) in my thoughts, but it's great to see you on the road to a better place.

Redsfaithful
05-10-2011, 01:10 PM
So good to see you around here again TRF.

AtomicDumpling
05-10-2011, 02:44 PM
I am very glad to hear you are doing better TRF!

RichRed
05-10-2011, 03:56 PM
Good to see you back, TRF! All the best to you.

Brisco
05-10-2011, 04:11 PM
If I may ask, do you still want to be married to her? I mean, if you could wave a magic wand and have the past healed and your marriage restored, would you do it?

TRF & SAVAFAN:

I have been reading posts by the both of you for years and enjoying them. I would like to give something back. Without getting into details, let me just say I have made a career of finding the magic wand Eric_the_Red is talking about for Soldiers going through exactly what you are.

If you would like to talk, I will PM my number.

Brisco (Rich)

reds44
05-10-2011, 04:19 PM
Great to hear from you TRF! Just keep grinding, things will get better.

Mario-Rijo
05-10-2011, 06:36 PM
Keeping it positive from one moment up to one day at a time that is all we can do. Good to see your now trying to move in a positive direction, keep it up brother. And I hope the same for Sava!

RFS62
05-10-2011, 07:03 PM
Proud of you, man. You too Sava.

Keep the faith.

Boss-Hog
05-10-2011, 07:11 PM
Glad to hear the news, TRF. I will continue to keep you and sava in my thoughts and prayers.

fisch11
05-10-2011, 09:37 PM
I don't know you as much as you don't know me. I can't even imagine feeling the way that you do so I won't begin to attempt advice. But one thing that I do know after reading through this thread is that it is evident that there are people that care about you. Some that know you and many that are complete strangers on a personal level. I pray that this support strengthens you and helps you to get well and get your life on track for God's purpose.

gonelong
05-10-2011, 10:51 PM
Hang in there 'bro. We are all pulling for you.

GL

TRF
05-11-2011, 01:34 PM
Life is weird. 3 weeks ago I tried to end it. 2 weeks from now I turn 43.

And in 30 minutes, I get my first tattoo.

Sea Ray
05-11-2011, 01:53 PM
And in 30 minutes, I get my first tattoo.

Your first tattoo? Did you lose a bet or something? :D

LoganBuck
05-11-2011, 02:35 PM
Your first tattoo? Did you lose a bet or something? :D

It probably says "Drew Stubbs #1 Fan"

Ghosts of 1990
05-12-2011, 04:38 PM
Thanks for the reminder. The last line in your first post. Good luck TRF

Larkin Fan
05-12-2011, 06:36 PM
I'm really glad to see you around, TRF. Just take things one day at a time. That's all we can do in this crazy thing called life!

TRF
05-20-2011, 10:48 AM
So, in order to keep myself occupied this summer, I have decided to take a class at the college i work at. Though I now do web programming (i use the term "programming" loosely) I chose a class from my old degree.

Thursdays from 4:00 - 8:00 Central time, i will be a DJ on one of the only 100,000 watt college radio stations in the country. You can listen live here: http://www.kacvfm.org/

Lots of good music, and for me, a return to days I was very happy.

I'm not 100%. I still have some bad days, yesterday and today included, but I am finding more and more things to be excited about. Like this poem my youngest (she's 13) wrote that won her a school award and was printed in their yearly writing publication.



Sunset

Emily de Jesus

The sky looks relaxed
The sun is at its lowest point
Clouds are hovering around the large yellow ball of light
Its beautiful at every angle
I smile at the sunset
Colors are bursting
Purples, yellows, pinks and blues
I smile even bigger
Because I know the pretty sight is in me
The sun is my heart


Something that beautiful came from my daughter. How can I possibly beat myself up knowing that?

Slyder
05-20-2011, 11:02 AM
I'm not 100%. I still have some bad days, yesterday and today included, but I am finding more and more things to be excited about. Like this poem my youngest (she's 13) wrote that won her a school award and was printed in their yearly writing publication.


Great to hear from you TRF, you'll always have bad days that linger. My meltdown was in 2002 and I still find myself in the darkness at times. The best thing you can do is keep yourself busy and constantly remembering the good in you life (like your daughter's beautiful poem and your kids).

Boss-Hog
05-23-2011, 05:08 PM
Per TRF's request, I am closing this thread, but personally, I want to thank everyone who kept him (and his family) in your thoughts and prayers at a time he needed it most.