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View Full Version : 2011 looking back. 2012 looking forward.



TRF
01-01-2012, 06:49 PM
Tough year.

At the beginning of the year i seemed content. Sitting on my couch wathing life go by. And it did. In what seemed so quick was actually months even years in the making. I lost everything. My wife left me, my kids no longer cared to know me. I was coasting through each day at work, often doing nothing at all. I gained 30 pounds from the previous year. When my wife left me I couldn't accept it. I didn't eat or sleep for over a week. Literally. On the day of my daughter's dance recital I was so out of it that ending my life seemed the only logical thing to do. The police, my friends and my wife found me in a park passed out, unable to stand.

I spent a week in the hospital under "observation". I'd love to crack wise and say i don't recommend it, lousy beds, but that just isn't the truth. Those people saved my life.

In the weeks after I was released I started on the path to change. I started living life instead of watching it. I played with my daughter every day i could. I had lunch with my oldest two kids. I talked daily at times with savafan, and Brisco, two great guys from this forum.

Just after the 4th of July, My wife wanted me to come home. We went to therapy together, my therapist from my time as a guest of the state. Things got better, for a time, then worse. Then much worse. And then my wife says she has found a miracle... A belief in god. A belief she is embracing.

It isn't a belief i share, and I'm... wary. But I am hopeful. She's more at peace now than at any other time of our nearly 18 years of marriage. I'm happy she has found something like this, but it isn't for me. My belief is in me. And I am struggling right now. I struggle with what has happened. I struggle with the decisions my oldest is making, the decisions my son is making, and the decisions my youngest, 13 years old and my baby girl as she will be entering High School in 2012 will be making.

I don't have a lot of friends. In fact, I can say I no longer really have any. It was my choice when i retreated from life. I don't go out. But I don't believe I just sit and watch life anymore. I do have interests. I hang with my youngest and talk, play games and cook. But I'm teetering at times. I can see myself back in the same place. I need something that is for me. I just don't know what that is.

Now on the first day of 2012, I find myself looking forward to see what the next 12 months holds for me. 2 1/2 months away from softball season. I'm 43, and we don't have a senior league here, so only a few seasons left for me. Do I spend another year at home doing nothing? How do I turn thoughts into actions? Do I finally allow myself to forgive my wife? If so, how?

After I got out of the hospital, and even before I went in, I was deluged with support from this board. I have kept every message, some of which were so personal, and so touching, that saying thank you for sharing and caring seems like it is not nearly enough. It was a light blasted in front of me helping to wipe out the darkness.

Thank you.

Here is to 2012... may it be a damn sight better than 2011. And whatever you believe, I hope your year is filled with joy and peace.

AtomicDumpling
01-02-2012, 05:41 AM
I am pulling for you TRF. Concentrate on today and tomorrow and forget about yesterday. Invest in your family. Be kind and generous even when you are unhappy with them. Good things will slowly grow and flourish. I hope your 2012 is awesome.

gilpdawg
01-02-2012, 07:27 AM
I remember following your thread with hope, and then when you started posting in the baseball sections again, I was like, hey, he must be doing better, and I'm glad to see it.

TRF
01-02-2012, 06:42 PM
I credit the members of this board, the owners and posters for a lot of what helped me in the most difficult time of my life. Reading the notes sent to me put much of it in perspective. And baseball is always an outlet, a way to distract me from dwelling on things i can't control by making me think about things i can't control. :)

But it is still kinda hard for me, thinking about what i almost lost forever, what i would have missed out on. What is worse is there are times i still think about it. BUt when i do, i try to think about my kids and all that I'd miss. It may not always snap me bag, but it eases me back.

MikeThierry
01-07-2012, 12:16 AM
TRF, you are brave for sharing what is going on with you. This is probably the worst year of my life as well. Hang in there man. If you need anyone to talk to, the PM box is always open.

TRF
01-07-2012, 03:01 PM
Thanks MT

Rojo
01-10-2012, 07:03 PM
This is probably the worst year of my life as well.

I've yet to meet anyone who had a good 2011. Not always as tough as TRF, but certainly not good.

When the ball dropped, I said good bye to 2011 and good, g-d, riddance.

Larry Schuler
01-11-2012, 01:43 AM
2011 was pretty mediocre to below average for myself as well. Let's get 'em in 2012!

Hoosier Red
01-11-2012, 04:29 PM
2011 was also a pretty sick roller coaster for me. My wife and I seperated for a bit, have been through therapy and are still going, but right now we're as close as roomates. I left one job was fired from another, but found a third which I think will work out great for me.

I agree with those ready to kick 2011 in the rear view, here's to safer and saner 2012 if nothing else.

Good luck to you TRF. And everyone else.

wolfboy
01-11-2012, 11:15 PM
When the ball dropped, I said good bye to 2011 and good, g-d, riddance.

Damn straight.

TRF, I've followed your struggles over the past year and I couldn't be happier to see you in a better place right now. To you, Mike, Hoosier, Rojo, and all the others on the board who've had a crappy 2011, I wish you all the best in 2012. :beerme:

2012: it has to be better, right?

TRF
01-12-2012, 10:56 AM
2011 flat out was the worst year of my life. And I've had some crappy years. Now I just concentrate on my youngest daughter. My older two are out, making their way on their own, so it's really down to one that I have to really watch out for.

I'm done punishing myself, and done being punished. 2012... 1st year of the rest of my life.

klw
01-12-2012, 11:16 AM
TRF
Good luck with everything. It is good to hear that you have some interests to give you a focus and devoting time to your youngest gives you a great connection to life. Curious as you have the softball interest as to whether you have any other exercise program? Running is always shown as a great anti-depressant but a gym program may give you a more social workout setting with at least a monthly cost commitment to ensure action. Just a nosy thought.

Sea Ray
01-12-2012, 01:28 PM
TRF, you are brave for sharing what is going on with you. This is probably the worst year of my life as well. Hang in there man. If you need anyone to talk to, the PM box is always open.

How could your year have sucked? Your Cardinals won it all! :)

Sea Ray
01-12-2012, 01:43 PM
I credit the members of this board, the owners and posters for a lot of what helped me in the most difficult time of my life. Reading the notes sent to me put much of it in perspective. And baseball is always an outlet, a way to distract me from dwelling on things i can't control by making me think about things i can't control. :)

But it is still kinda hard for me, thinking about what i almost lost forever, what i would have missed out on. What is worse is there are times i still think about it. BUt when i do, i try to think about my kids and all that I'd miss. It may not always snap me bag, but it eases me back.

Too bad you don't live here in Cincinnati. I'd suggest some get togethers at the Reds games and I'd volunteer to be the first one to spend an evening at GABP with you! We'd talk baseball and ease into other subjects as you desired. Sports are a great escape and we need not apologize for that; we need to accept it and use them.

You need to seek out opportunities to socialize. By this I mean, you've got to make it happen. Us guys don't generally take the initiative to plan stuff but we'll gladly go if invited. Just because you're not invited to stuff doesn't mean you don't have friends. Let me present you with a specific suggestion:

My softball team "retired" a few years ago but now every few weeks/months we send out an e-mail like "who's up for wings on Thursday night at 7pm at BW3s/Hooters/whatever?" Send it out to the entire team via e-mail and you'll likely get 4 or 5 enthusiastic yeses. Some drink beer; some drink pop; some order wings; some order sandwiches; some are married; some are single but it's an all guys thing and we shoot the breeze about eveything from sports to local happenings in the area.

So send out an e-mail suggesting such a thing to any group you choose, your softball team, work team. whatever. The folks who receive it will be glad you started such a thing. Hope that helps! :)