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Homer Bailey
01-04-2012, 05:49 PM
A friend mine just told me he is meeting with a jeweler this weekend to get a ring for his girlfriend..... that he's known for less than 9 months. They're both 25 years old. They moved in together after knowing each other for 3 months. He gets this way with girls though, and falls wayyy too fast. He had a girlfriend for over 3 years that he walked in on with another man. Some of my friends went to high school with this girl, and they STRONGLY dislike this girl. I've never had a problem with her, but I barely know her.

This is one of, if not my closest friends. I'll absolutely be in the wedding. If I say something to him about him obviously rushing into this, it could forever damage our friendship, no? If I just ignore what I'm thinking, am I being a true friend? I'm in a real bind here, and I basically get the shoulder shrug from my other friends that I ask. No one else can believe how fast this is happening, but no one has a good answer for me.

And for the two people on this board that know me in person, you probably don't know this guy, but please don't mention anything about it to anyone. I'd like to keep this anonymous.

Patrick Bateman
01-04-2012, 05:55 PM
They way I would phrase, and obviously don't do it in a confrontational manner, but rather more devil's advocate is, "what is there to gain by getting married now, rather than say, a year from now"?.

If they are that crazy for each other, advise that there is nothing to be gained by doing it fast, that she will be just as available for him a year from now with an extra year of sample size available to analyze the relationship.

BuckeyeRed27
01-04-2012, 05:56 PM
I'm not sure there is a lot you can do. I wouldn't be direct about it because that will just make his resolve stronger. You have to get him to realize this is a bad idea and that he thought of it. You said you don't know much about her, so maybe go drinking with him and just talk about her a lot and see if you can get him to talk about things he doesn't like about her and then drill down on that. Good luck.

Joseph
01-04-2012, 06:03 PM
If he's your friend, be there for him for this, and be there for him if it fails. Don't offer advice though unless he asks for it. You can't do a lot for him except anger him if you indicate you are anything but supportive.

Homer Bailey
01-04-2012, 06:06 PM
They way I would phrase, and obviously don't do it in a confrontational manner, but rather more devil's advocate is, "what is there to gain by getting married now, rather than say, a year from now"?.

If they are that crazy for each other, advise that there is nothing to be gained by doing it fast, that she will be just as available for him a year from now with an extra year of sample size available to analyze the relationship.

Yep, I've tried that with him already, and his response was "When you know, you know."


I'm not sure there is a lot you can do. I wouldn't be direct about it because that will just make his resolve stronger. You have to get him to realize this is a bad idea and that he thought of it. You said you don't know much about her, so maybe go drinking with him and just talk about her a lot and see if you can get him to talk about things he doesn't like about her and then drill down on that. Good luck.

I tried to talk to him about moving in with her too fast a few months ago (based on a bad experience I had), so he's very aware of where I stand on this unfortunately.


I should have also added that he thinks this girl is absolutely gorgeous, and she's probably a 6. I don't consider this a negative, because if she's a 10 to him that's all that matters I guess, but I think he's trying to talk himself into it more and more, and I just don't get it.

Homer Bailey
01-04-2012, 06:07 PM
If he's your friend, be there for him for this, and be there for him if it fails. Don't offer advice though unless he asks for it. You can't do a lot for him except anger him if you indicate you are anything but supportive.

Part of me feels that way, but part of me feels the duty of a friend to tell him how I truly feel. I'm back and forth on this on a daily basis.

But you're right, I probably shouldn't give my advice unless asked for it, and he hasn't asked me for it (although he did mention at one point that he may want to borrow money for this, which he is no longer considering).

BuckeyeRed27
01-04-2012, 06:28 PM
What do the parents think?

Reds4Life
01-04-2012, 06:32 PM
I should have also added that he thinks this girl is absolutely gorgeous, and she's probably a 6. I don't consider this a negative, because if she's a 10 to him that's all that matters I guess, but I think he's trying to talk himself into it more and more, and I just don't get it.

This part really doesn't matter, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I have met plenty of "10's" that are downright awful people.

Honestly, your friend sounds very desperate. If he goes through with this, talk him into getting a strong prenup. If she won't sign it, he needs to run. Unless, of course, he wants to lose at least half of his assets, and possibly a nice chunk of his future income for the rest of his life.

Caveat Emperor
01-04-2012, 07:24 PM
In every bad relationship I've ever had, I wish one of my friends would've set me straight and told me "This girl is bad news" or "This isn't going to end well."

But, if I'm honest, I know that I'd have never listened to them and resented them for interfering with my happiness at the time.

Love is just one of those things that you have to watch as other people step into it.

dougdirt
01-04-2012, 07:30 PM
In every bad relationship I've ever had, I wish one of my friends would've set me straight and told me "This girl is bad news" or "This isn't going to end well."


Of course I think we would all agree here, but as HB has said, he doesn't see anything wrong with this girl, just that his friend seems to be moving too quickly.

I will agree that when you know, you know. So maybe he just knows.

To second what CE said though, even if someone had said something, he isn't going to listen. You simply don't know, nor will you ever know, how he feels or how they are together aside from when you are also with them, which given that they live together, is less than 1% of the time they are together.

IslandRed
01-04-2012, 07:57 PM
If you believe he genuinely doesn't know what he's doing, or that the girl is destined to rip the heart out of anyone unlucky enough to marry her, or he's acting out of insecurity more so than love, then your concern is understandable. I suppose it also matters whether this is solely his idea or if she's been dropping hints, and if the latter, would he be proposing if not for the knowledge that she's expecting it...

I might take the devil's advocate position about "way too fast," though. They're 25. That's not too young to get married. At the very least, they ought to have formed at least a solid working knowledge of what they want in a marriage partner. And based on your timetable, they've had three months of dating followed by six months of living together. It's not a lot, but it's more boots-on-the-ground courting time than was spent by a lot of people who have had very long, happy marriages. If it's one of those relationships that's been just right since day one, it may well be enough time to feel sure. Of course, life has no guarantees.

Redhook
01-04-2012, 07:57 PM
Hopefully, they won't set a wedding date for awhile. At least a year from now. By then, he'll have been with her for close to 2 years. If he still wants to marry her by then, after all the wedding planning, then she may be the one. On the flip side, if he's looking to get married this spring then he could be in a for a rough ride. And, unfortunately, there's not much you can do.

SunDeck
01-04-2012, 08:17 PM
I fell in love with my wife the day I met her. Been married twenty years. When you know, you know, even if it's going to turn out bad. What I'm saying is there isn't much you can do to change your friend's mind. Just about all my college friends have married now and in most cases our group of friends had a feeling for whether the marriages would work. We were right about half the time.

If you have a bad feeling about it, by all means bring it up, but I confess I can't recommend a way that could be any better than just telling him what you really think. If you guys are good friends, there has to be a way to do it without having it blow up.

edabbs44
01-04-2012, 09:24 PM
Part of me feels that way, but part of me feels the duty of a friend to tell him how I truly feel. I'm back and forth on this on a daily basis.

But you're right, I probably shouldn't give my advice unless asked for it, and he hasn't asked me for it (although he did mention at one point that he may want to borrow money for this, which he is no longer considering).

I would let it go. It is a tough situation however, unless there is a real reason to intervene, then your friend is a big boy and can make his own decisions.

foxfire123
01-04-2012, 09:45 PM
Well, I can't say anything about the length of time deal--I met my hubby in september, got engaged at Thanksgiving, and married the following march. 18 years later the rest of the family is still waiting for that baby that was supposed to be the cause of that quickie wedding! lol!

That being said, the best advice I would give you is stay out of it. I know it's hard, you care about your friend and don't want to see him hurt, but he's going to see it as jealousy and interference on your part if you try and intercede. Just be there for him if it does go south.

As for her old high school friends, some people change a great deal from the person they were in high school--some grow up and become better adults, others stay stagnant and never become more than they were in school. I know that myself, I have little to nothing to do with 99% of the people I knew in high school. I'm not the same person I was then. I like the Me I am now much, much better. :)

savafan
01-04-2012, 10:35 PM
If he's your friend, be there for him for this, and be there for him if it fails. Don't offer advice though unless he asks for it. You can't do a lot for him except anger him if you indicate you are anything but supportive.

I would agree with this. I've been in this situation more than once. Hell, I've also caused this situation more than once. If I've learned anything from those collected experiences, it's what Joseph said above.

RedsManRick
01-04-2012, 11:49 PM
When is the wedding? Engaged doesn't equal married. I've known people who ended up being engaged longer than they had dated.

Johnny Footstool
01-04-2012, 11:54 PM
I've never had a problem with her, but I barely know her.

This is one of, if not my closest friends.

How is it that you barely know the girl your closest friend has been living with for 6 months?

Doesn't she spend time with you guys when you're hanging out together? That sounds kind of odd to me.

WMR
01-05-2012, 12:11 AM
Tell him to run.

RiverRat13
01-05-2012, 08:49 AM
Stay out of it. He isn't going to listen to you anyway. Even if he isn't immediately mad at you, he'll eventually tell her whatever you might say and she'll essentially cut you off from him.

izzy's dad
01-05-2012, 11:29 AM
I got engaged and married way too soon. Marriage has been a struggle. No telling how I would have reacted if a friend would have told me not to go through with it, but I wish someone would have. Does that make any sense?

Larry Schuler
01-05-2012, 03:30 PM
The basic instinct of wanting to look after your friend is good but the attachment/obsession/involvement of needing to "stop" his engagement is probably not the healthiest. Do you have a romantic relationship? If so, maybe put that energy into you and your girlfriend and let him have his own relationship.

Everyone is entitled to their own free will and to their own mistakes. If his fiance is so terrible and the decision is so awful then let it happen and dissolve on its own. If you stick your hand in the quagmire now you are opening the possibility of YOU being blamed for why it all went south. Let your friend have his "doomed" relationship. He will never look back and say "Why didn't you break up my relationship like a good friend?" and be upset at you for it so respect his ability to make his own choices and don't be a third party in his romantic life.

Homer Bailey
01-05-2012, 04:02 PM
How is it that you barely know the girl your closest friend has been living with for 6 months?

Doesn't she spend time with you guys when you're hanging out together? That sounds kind of odd to me.

I've known him since we were 10, and we now work together. I don't know her well because I don't see him much outside of work anymore unless we're golfing, and it's because he's ALWAYS with her.


And thank you everyone for all of your responses. I sincerely appreciate it.

I understand the "when you know, you know" crowd. I just don't trust his ability to actually know whether what he feels is real, or if its what he wants to feel. That being said, that isn't for me to determine, and there is no way of really knowing.

The easy thing to do is just to go along with it. The more and more I discuss this with my friends, the more "IS HE INSANE" reactions I keep getting. He also just informed me he's probably moving southeast in 8 months or so when his lease is up, 3 months after I just got him a job at my firm. I just don't think he's acting rationally.

I dated a girl for two years that my friends didn't like, and never had the guts to tell me. I was blinded from it because I thought I was in love. It wasn't until after we broke up that my friends told me how awful they thought she was, and I thought to myself that I wish I would have heard what they had to say when we were dating. However, I know I wouldn't have done anything about it. That relationship couldn't have ended in a more publicly humiliating way (for those of you that know me, you know what I mean).

Most of you that said it isn't my place to intervene are right. He's a big boy, and gotta make his own decisions. I just don't know how I can bite my tongue and play along that I think this is a good idea.

Thanks again everyone.

dougdirt
01-05-2012, 05:45 PM
I dated a girl for two years that my friends didn't like, and never had the guts to tell me. I was blinded from it because I thought I was in love. It wasn't until after we broke up that my friends told me how awful they thought she was, and I thought to myself that I wish I would have heard what they had to say when we were dating. However, I know I wouldn't have done anything about it. That relationship couldn't have ended in a more publicly humiliating way (for those of you that know me, you know what I mean).

Most of you that said it isn't my place to intervene are right. He's a big boy, and gotta make his own decisions. I just don't know how I can bite my tongue and play along that I think this is a good idea.

Thanks again everyone.

I have to ask though, do you not like this girl, or do you just not like that he is moving so quickly? I read into it earlier that you didn't have a problem with the girl (granted you also claim you don't know her too well, but don't have any issues with her as far as you know). If that is the case, you dating someone your friends didn't like and this are two entirely different situations. It seemed that you were dating a crappy person, where as he isn't (that you know of at least).

I had two good friends get together a few years ago who were terrible for each other. They wound up getting married and are now not living together. Everyone and their mother told them it was a bad idea. They didn't listen, because when you are in love, you don't care what other people think about it. That is just how it works. Even in hindsight you can wish someone had told you, but if we are all being honest with ourselves, we know that we wouldn't have truly listened and followed through with the advice they offered.

Unless you have a reason to believe that this girl is truly bad news, then I would highly suggest staying out of it. Them moving too fast isn't bad news. Her being a terrible person is. If she isn't a terrible person, just wish him the best of luck.

reds1869
01-05-2012, 09:45 PM
When is the wedding? Engaged doesn't equal married. I've known people who ended up being engaged longer than they had dated.
That was certainly my situation. My wife and I were engaged for three and a half years after dating for a year. I think the long engagement was a very good thing and we've been happily married for eleven years now.

TeamSelig
01-05-2012, 10:23 PM
I would just tell him straight up that you think it is a bad idea, he is moving too fast, etc. but make sure to add that as a friend, you feel responsible to let him know how you feel about it. Then let him know that you have his support if he does go through with it.

If you are stern about your disapproval, he is just going to get pissed at you and there will be a bunch of drama. Just let him know how you feel and that you are still by his side.

I honestly doubt any guy who is in love with a girl is going to listen to a friend that tells him they are moving too fast, etc.

Hoosier Red
01-06-2012, 08:44 AM
I would just tell him straight up that you think it is a bad idea, he is moving too fast, etc. but make sure to add that as a friend, you feel responsible to let him know how you feel about it. Then let him know that you have his support if he does go through with it.

If you are stern about your disapproval, he is just going to get pissed at you and there will be a bunch of drama. Just let him know how you feel and that you are still by his side.

I honestly doubt any guy who is in love with a girl is going to listen to a friend that tells him they are moving too fast, etc.

I agree with this. Especially emphasizing that you're there for him regardless. Also emphasize this isn't an issue with the soon to be fiance(even if it is) rather a concern over moving too fast. Essentially make sure that he's doing this because he truly wants to. And if he is, tell him he has your support.

jojo
01-06-2012, 10:02 AM
My wife and I were married a little over 9 months after we met and are currently on year 18....

The obvious default position is that this situation isn't ideal. As with all opinions though, get all of the facts before forming a conclusion. My advice, spend time with the two of them and see for yourself if they are a good match personality-wise, philosophy-wise, goal-wise....

reds1869
01-06-2012, 10:33 AM
My wife and I were married a little over 9 months after we met and are currently on year 18....

The obvious default position is that this situation isn't ideal. As with all opinions though, get all of the facts before forming a conclusion. My advice, spend time with the two of them and see for yourself if they are a good match personality-wise, philosophy-wise, goal-wise....

I think that is the key. In all honesty my wife and I knew we were made for each other within days. We started talking marriage within a few months. It still took a long time for us to get married, but that was because we wanted to graduate from college before tying the knot. My college roommate married a girl he had only known six months and they are on year ten.

Homer Bailey
01-06-2012, 12:00 PM
I have to ask though, do you not like this girl, or do you just not like that he is moving so quickly? I read into it earlier that you didn't have a problem with the girl (granted you also claim you don't know her too well, but don't have any issues with her as far as you know). If that is the case, you dating someone your friends didn't like and this are two entirely different situations. It seemed that you were dating a crappy person, where as he isn't (that you know of at least).

I had two good friends get together a few years ago who were terrible for each other. They wound up getting married and are now not living together. Everyone and their mother told them it was a bad idea. They didn't listen, because when you are in love, you don't care what other people think about it. That is just how it works. Even in hindsight you can wish someone had told you, but if we are all being honest with ourselves, we know that we wouldn't have truly listened and followed through with the advice they offered.

Unless you have a reason to believe that this girl is truly bad news, then I would highly suggest staying out of it. Them moving too fast isn't bad news. Her being a terrible person is. If she isn't a terrible person, just wish him the best of luck.

I don't know the girl well enough to form an opinion. I know three people that went to high school with her, and they all strongly say that she's horrible. Another one of our friends met her and did not like her.

The only thing I have a problem with is the haste, especially with what he went through with his previous girlfriend cheating on him. His older sister also got married to a guy very quickly (at around the age of 24), and she was divorced 10 months later.

For all I know, they may be perfect for each other, and have a lifetime of happiness. I just think he's being hasty, and not thinking clearly.

Roy Tucker
01-06-2012, 12:13 PM
If he's your friend, be there for him for this, and be there for him if it fails. Don't offer advice though unless he asks for it. You can't do a lot for him except anger him if you indicate you are anything but supportive.

I'll chime in on this side of things. Like many have said, you have to be receptive to the message in order to hear it. Otherwise it just creates hard feelings. Your friend isn't receptive and is charging forward. You'll just have to be there for him and pick up the pieces if it happens (or congratulate him on a long and happy marriage, that happens too, marriage is a roll of the dice).

Some people just have to go forward and make the big mistakes in order to learn from them ( :wave: ). You can warn them all you like, but for many various reasons, they'll think what you are saying is wrong or doesn't apply to them. They have to go on and make a big mistake, pay the price, and suffer for it before it gets embodied into their life code.

I will say that when you learn your lessons this way, it is very painful but you also learn those lessons exceedingly well and learn to never (ever ever ever) go back there again.

dougdirt
01-06-2012, 06:30 PM
I don't know the girl well enough to form an opinion. I know three people that went to high school with her, and they all strongly say that she's horrible. Another one of our friends met her and did not like her.
I wouldn't take peoples opinions on her as a person from how she was 7-10 years ago. Especially in high school, when a whole lot of outside influences can mold our perceptions of people.

TeamSelig
01-06-2012, 08:37 PM
I don't know the girl well enough to form an opinion. I know three people that went to high school with her, and they all strongly say that she's horrible. Another one of our friends met her and did not like her.

The only thing I have a problem with is the haste, especially with what he went through with his previous girlfriend cheating on him. His older sister also got married to a guy very quickly (at around the age of 24), and she was divorced 10 months later.

For all I know, they may be perfect for each other, and have a lifetime of happiness. I just think he's being hasty, and not thinking clearly.

Just curious. How is she horrible? Skank, or what?

Homer Bailey
01-07-2012, 12:02 AM
Just curious. How is she horrible? Skank, or what?

To be honest, I'm not exactly sure. Kind of an airhead, and pretty boring. I never really asked my buddies why they thought she was so horrible because I agreed with what many have said in that I don't really care about what she was like in high school, and I wanted to form my own opinion. However, I haven't gotten to know her enough to come to any conclusions.

Razor Shines
01-07-2012, 12:49 AM
To be honest, I'm not exactly sure. Kind of an airhead, and pretty boring. I never really asked my buddies why they thought she was so horrible because I agreed with what many have said in that I don't really care about what she was like in high school, and I wanted to form my own opinion. However, I haven't gotten to know her enough to come to any conclusions.

Lol. "an airhead" and "pretty boring"? And she's a 6?! How dare she! Skip getting him to break up with her...have you reported her to authorities? She shouldnt be allowed to roam free amongst you, she should be locked up.


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remdog
01-07-2012, 10:13 PM
Someone please kill this thread because there is no correct answer and it's stupid on top of that.

Rem

Raisor
01-08-2012, 03:23 PM
Just curious. How is she horrible? Skank, or what?

classy

Larry Schuler
01-08-2012, 03:43 PM
Skanks are people too. I'm with Rimdog. Thread has' run its course.

TeamSelig
01-08-2012, 09:48 PM
classy

Excuse me?

He said his friends said she was horrible.... initially it sounded to me like maybe she has a reputation of sleeping around or something.

Razor Shines
01-08-2012, 10:18 PM
Excuse me?

He said his friends said she was horrible.... initially it sounded to me like maybe she has a reputation of sleeping around or something.

Then we find out its worse than that


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*BaseClogger*
01-09-2012, 01:49 AM
Skanks are people too. I'm with Rimdog. Thread has' run its course.

Well played, sir! :laugh:

Todd Gack
01-10-2012, 07:46 AM
Who cares? This is a good friend of yours and it's not your relationship. Let them be. 9 months with a girl isn't too early. If they've been together for 6 months in the same apartment, then I'd say it's going OK.

TeamCasey
01-10-2012, 09:29 AM
Don't involve yourself in affairs of the heart. It will backfire on YOU.

Raisor
01-10-2012, 12:38 PM
Excuse me?

He said his friends said she was horrible.... initially it sounded to me like maybe she has a reputation of sleeping around or something.

calling a woman a "skank" is classless.

RBA
01-10-2012, 02:11 PM
calling a woman a "skank" is classless.

Agreed. Men who sleep around are what? Studs?

Calling a someone a "skank" is juvenile and classless.

TeamSelig
01-10-2012, 02:24 PM
So, there is no such thing as a skank? What would you consider an unfaithful woman to be? Would you want your friend to date a woman known to cheat on her partners, unprotected one night stands, etc.?

As far as the double standard, I don't believe I mentioned or even implied it.

RBA
01-10-2012, 02:56 PM
So, there is no such thing as a skank? What would you consider an unfaithful woman to be? Would you want your friend to date a woman known to cheat on her partners, unprotected one night stands, etc.?

As far as the double standard, I don't believe I mentioned or even implied it.

How about an "unfaithful woman"?

Larry Schuler
01-10-2012, 06:03 PM
The term "skank" is also confusing as it can also mean the dance they did in Europe in the 80s.

If you meet a woman who is unfaithful, cheats and sleeps around, tell Margaret Williamson I said hello and that I want my letterman jacket back.

757690
01-10-2012, 06:17 PM
If she really is a cheater, knock her up yourself. That ought to put the engagement on hold. ;)

jojo
01-10-2012, 07:52 PM
Agreed. Men who sleep around are what?

According to Merriam-Webster, they'd be skanks too....

foxfire123
01-11-2012, 01:56 AM
According to Merriam-Webster, they'd be skanks too....

nope, they're considered Studs! :laugh: