Barmaid to patron "Sir you are slurring, I am going to have to cut you off"
Patron to barmaid "I'm not slurring, I'm speaking in cursive"
:laugh:
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Barmaid to patron "Sir you are slurring, I am going to have to cut you off"
Patron to barmaid "I'm not slurring, I'm speaking in cursive"
:laugh:
I needed a new signature line. Thanks! :lol::lol::lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by moewan
Things I hear in a bar...
No.
Not if you were the last guy on earth.
I'm not that drunk.
Ewwww, absolutely not.
Get lost, loser.
My wife tells me the best line she ever heard in a bar was:Quote:
Originally Posted by 757690
"I like your dress. Can I talk you out of it?"
GUY: Excuse me, miss, this is a non-smoking section.
GAL: But I'm not smoking.
GUY: Oh, I beg to differ.
I used to hear "last call" often enough.
Then I got married and I heard it much less.
Now I have children and I don't hear it at all.
Spin off of that one I've seen guys try to use:Quote:
Originally Posted by Sea Ray
"You look great in that (insert outfit here)... you'd look even better with it on the floor)
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around.
The bartender speaks up and says "Hey what the hell are you doing?"
The blind man says, "Just taking a look around.."
Guy orders a beer and while drinking it, he hears a voice from the bar say, "Nice shirt, mister."
Thinking he may be hearing things he asks the bar tender where the voice is coming from. Bartender replies, "Oh, it's the beer nuts. They're complimentary."
http://topnews.in/usa/files/sarah-jessica-parker_0.jpgQuote:
Originally Posted by edabbs44
:lol:
Bartender to the grasshopper sitting at the bar: "We have a drink named after you."
Grasshopper to bartender: "No kidding. You have have a drink named Irving?"
A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"
Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!"
"May I please have a drink?"
"What? You have to speak up!"
"Could I please have a drink?"
"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."
"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."
There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie - poof it swallows you up.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror. The redhead goes first and says "I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth" Poof- the mirror swallows her up.
The brunette goes up to the mirror and says "I think I'm the sexiest woman on Earth" Poof - the mirror swallows her up.
Last, the blonde goes up to the mirror says " I think........" Poof!!
A guy walks in to a bar with his dog he puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender, "This is the smartest dog in the world. I bet five dollars that you can ask him any thing and he will tell you the right answer."
So the bartender said, "All right. What is 10+11+13."
The dog said, "34." Wow he got it right. So, he handed over the 5 dollar bill.
Then the guy said, "Don't let my dog go anywhere I have to use the bathroom."
So he hands the dog the 5 dollars to hold while he was in the bathroom. The bartender and the dog were having a conversation with each other so the bartender says, "If your so smart go down the road and get me a newspaper." So the dog goes out the door then the guy comes out of the bathroom. He couldn't see his dog so he asks the bartender where the dog was.
The bartender tells the guy, "The dog went to get me a newspaper."
The guy throws a fit that the bartender let the dog leave. So the guy goes out to find his dog. He looked all over until he saw his dog in a alley making love to a poodle. The man says, What are you doing? You have never done this before."
The dog says, "I have never had 5 dollars before either."
A hippopotamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "That will be $7.50 please" says the bartender. So the hippo gives the bartender his money and starts to sip his beer. "You know we don't very many hippos in here" mutters the bartender.
The hippo replies, "At these prices it's no wonder!"
==========================================
A penguin walks into a bar, he goes to the counter and asks the barman "Have you seen my brother?".
The barman asks "What does he look like?".
==========================================
A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a beer", takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are as$*#%^s!"
A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!"
The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
The guy replies, "No, I'm an as$%^le!"
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road.
Finally a cop pulls him over.
"Did you know", says the cop, "that a couple intersections ago your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh thank goodness", sighs the drunk man."For a minute there I thought I had gone deaf".
Is there a word missing in here?Quote:
Originally Posted by Vottomatic
Yes. Should read.....Quote:
Originally Posted by Sea Ray
don't "get" very many
I was sitting at the bar talking to a bartender friend after her shift. This very countrified guy is sitting on the other side of her. He turns to her and in a country drawl, says: "You sure do stink purty M'am."
Thomas Edison walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't get any ideas".
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke?".
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
A man walks into a bar and says "Ow":p
Speaking of a Bar. I have been obsessed with How I Met Your Mother and as I just graduate from college, I feel it's time for me to pick a go-to drink that's pretty manly. (Something to casually sip on when I go out, or whatever.) See, right now my go-tos are White Russians and Royals Flushes, but I need a man drink. I am kinda little whimp on the hardcore side, but I do enjoy good Tequila. Any suggestions?
Irish whiskey is manly, yet smooth. Try Jameson with a couple cubes of ice.
Jameson is good. A good bourbon on the rocks works too. Order that and the bartender goes "oh, OK, we got a serious drinking man here. Yes sir!"
Nothing with an umbrella.
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducked.
If a woman drinks a glass of wine a day chances of a stroke increase. If she drinks the whole bottle, she will probably suck it as well
1792. Smoothest bourbon you will ever drinkQuote:
Originally Posted by cinreds21
"If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"
Rem
There are so many jokes in this thread that start with " a guy walked into a bar..." that I feel like the entire thread belong in THE TAVERN section.
Rem:)
A termite walked into a bar and asked, "Where is the bar tender?"