Late night jokes

Leno


I’m sorry if I’m a little groggy today. I was up all night at the big sleepover victory party at Michael Jackson’s place. Just Jesus juice all night long!

As you know Michael Jackson was found not guilty on all counts yesterday. In fact, the first thing Michael did after being found not guilty was throw away that back brace he’s been wearing. Don’t need that thing anymore!

Of course a lot of people were incredibly happy about the verdict. None of them children…

Legal experts say the key was that the defense really didn’t play the race card. Well duh. They didn’t know which race to play.

This trial lasted 14 weeks. Do you realize that’s 6 weeks longer than average NBC sitcom.

After the trial last night, Michael finally got a chance to relax. He went out and had a little Mexican. I believe it was a 14-year-old named Ramón.

Today on the news they showed up in Santa Maria, all the media packing up and getting ready to go home. Yeah, it’s always a sad day when the circus leaves town.

Happy Flag Day everybody. This is a day to celebrate when Betsy Ross made the first flag in 1776, which is the last time an American flag was actually made in America.

Howard Dean is in trouble for saying the Republicans are nothing but a party of white Christians. And today in their prayers, Republicans thanked God for Howard Dean.

MSNBC did a feature on the Howard Dean and all the trouble he’s been in for his comments. In fact some democrats are so upset the party leaders are calling on him to resign. Isn’t that unbelievable? The Democrats have leaders?

Mike Tyson has retired from boxing. In fact, he was so thoroughly beaten this weekend that today he was named an honorary member of the Detroit Pistons.

He finishes with a record of 50 wins, 6 losses, 21 felonies and 79 misdemeanors.

Letterman


It’s hot out! It was so hot out today that the toll booth operator was growing orchids inside the booth.

It was so hot today that over on 53rd Street at the Hello Deli, Rupert G was fanning himself with health code violations.

It was so hot that Michael Jackson went out for ice cream by himself!

As you know Michael Jackson was found not guilty on all ten counts. Now he says he wants to just go back to his normal reclusive whack job self.

Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard During The Michael Jackson Verdict

Another case of a white guy getting preferential treatment!

Wait, have Tito, Latoya and Jermaine always been on the jury?

Michael, good news - I just saved 15 percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

We the jury find the defendant...creepy.

Do you think this'll be on the news tonight?

I'm a celebrity in an L.A. courtroom - I like my chances.

No, I think he'll do fine in prison.

Will Mr. Blake and Mr. Simpson please keep the laughter down?

Of course he's nervous - look how pale he is.

We the jury find the defendant not guilty - oh God, did I say the wrong one?