Funny Stuff You've Heard People Say

This thread may end up falling flat or it may end up wildly popular, I don't know. But I had a few minutes on my hands and thought I'd share. :D

A friend and I were reminiscing about our college days a few nights ago, and he brought up the story of Dome Stick Beer. He, a girl friend we were hanging out with at the time, and I walked into a bar one night and were contemplating what we were going to have to drink. Our girl friend says "I think I'll have a Dome Stick".

My friend and I looked puzzled at one another and then asked her how she knew about this new brand. She said, "I haven't heard of it, but it's on sale for $1.00". She pointed to the handwritten sign nailed to the wall.

Sure enough, there it was, a sign reading "ALL DOMESTIC BEERS $1.00"

:bowrofl:

What funny stuff have you heard people say?

trade encarnacion, keep randa.

:bowrofl: :bowrofl:

Sea Shell City

:D

A guy I knew in college once said, "I can predict the future. I'm a psychopath."

Back about 16 years ago, I dated a girl who knew nothing about baseball. I had a Reds game on TV but wasn't paying attention. She asked what the home red was. I asked her what she meant. Later on she said "Look- there he is again- the home red!' I looked at the screen and A reds hitter was up and the graphics read "Homered"! She thought he bore the title "home red".

Way way back in college days, we were sitting around (at the Out'r'Inn for those familiar with the Ohio State scene) doing what we did best - drink those 70-cent Natural Light longnecks, talking about sports and watching girls and talking about girls and watching sports.

Anyway, one particular good looking, fairly short and compact girl walked past. My one buddy (who creek knows so well) just blurted out,

"You know, a taller body would accentuate..."

(at this point all of our jaws were dropping because he used the word "accentuate"! - we could not wait to hear what eloquent analysis of this particular female would come next! - unfortunately he continued) -

"....the goodness of her butt."

I don't think any of us could talk or even breathe for about 20 minutes.

We had a 80something lady as a teacher while learning German in the army. She was a very sweet old lady. Towards the end of our time there she recounted a story of an encounter she had with a student in a previous class. She told it to us all in German of course, but the gist of it was the student was very polite and used all of the proper forms when attempting to ask her to move so he could sweep the room. The only problem was that he mixed up the verbs; instead of using the verb stören he used zerstören. One means bother, the other means destroy.

"Ma'am, may I please destroy you?"

If it hadn't of been for my horse, I'd have never made it through that first year of college.

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Originally Posted by bucksfan

Way way back in college days, we were sitting around (at the Out'r'Inn for those familiar with the Ohio State scene) doing what we did best - drink those 70-cent Natural Light longnecks, talking about sports and watching girls and talking about girls and watching sports.

Anyway, one particular good looking, fairly short and compact girl walked past. My one buddy (who creek knows so well) just blurted out,

"You know, a taller body would accentuate..."

(at this point all of our jaws were dropping because he used the word "accentuate"! - we could not wait to hear what eloquent analysis of this particular female would come next! - unfortunately he continued) -

"....the goodness of her butt."

I don't think any of us could talk or even breathe for about 20 minutes.

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Remind him that I am tall... :cool: ;)

Creed rocks

At my wedding rehearsal, I made some sort of joke to my wife about having some sympathy for losing my bachelor standing.

My mom piped up - at a church, in front of both families - "Son, sympathy can be found in the dictionary somewhere between sh?t and shynola."

My mom, the English professor.

My brother, to me, in a snit, "I've got more brains in my whole body than you have in your little pinky!"

Braging about his guitar playing, he claimed that he had "inept ability" and that he's very "autistic".

On a San Francisco bus, two withered hillbilly-ish women get on and sit across from a saucer-eyed, acid-casualty with a very full beard. One of the women looks at him and says out loud, "He looks like the wolfman!". The other, trying to soften her friends rude comment with a joke, says, "he wishes he had the wolfman's money."

From that day forward, my friends and I will speak of someone being "wolfman rich".

Back in the days before cheap disposable lighters, it wasn't uncommon for smokers to carry matches. One day someone asked "Does anyone have a match?" to which a friend of mine replied "Yeah, I've got a match -- your butt and my face!"

In a staff meeting (all guys) one of the manager was trying to say "misdirection" and kept emphasizing the syllabals so that is sounded as if he as was saying "missed erection". The word misd ... erection as is used each and every week in our staff meeting for several years running now.

GL

Three stories ...

First I was visiting relatives back east and we all decided to go bowling one evening. My aunt calls the alley to see what time open bowl is and the pricing. The guys tells her the info. My uncle then tells her to ask "if he has 16 pound balls" ... which she did. She turned bright red. We couldn't stop laughing.

Second I was working a now defunct department store (VanLeunens) in the Toy department during the Christmas rush. A lady walks up to me and bluntly asks "do you have super balls?"

Third during a family vacation we stepped into an elevator and my dad looks at the control panel and sees the braile next to the buttons and says "They should highlight that in a bright color!"

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From that day forward, my friends and I will speak of someone being "wolfman rich".

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That is just too awesome.

Today I went to Lunch with a good friend of mine by the name of Luc... and we were talking about how weak our nails are... and how we paint them so that we don't bite our names and make them any worse. Well she told me to try this nail stuff that makes them harder and less breakable. Then she added
Luc: "yeah you should really try it, because i won't even bite my nails anymore because it tastes really bad, like their is Arson in it"...
Me: "Arson??... ARSON? That is the word for a purposely set fire!"
Luc: "OHHH, I meant to say Arsenic"
Me: "I hate your life, Idiot"
:bowrofl: :bowrofl:

I still enjoy a good, "That's what she said", when someone makes a statement that could have an alternate meaning with sexual innuendos.

For example, at my previous job, I became very good at quickly terminating those annoying telemarketing calls. One time after I did so, the secretary said to me, "You got her off quick that time, didn't you?"

At another job, a group of us were rolling some mats onto the floor when we began having trouble with one that was supposed to go under something. One guy said, "Go down to the other end, and we'll work it in together".

Recently, I was helping my friend and his wife load a moving truck. I cannot recall the exact situation, but Brenda said, "You've only got two inches to play with, so we'll have to wiggle it in there really tight."

I can't believe I am sharing this on a Reds board....

One time I was um...let's say...snuggling with a girlfriend, and she looked me straight in the eye and said, "You memorize me."

Thinking she just mispoke, I sort of gave a meek "What, sweetheart?"

"You memorize me," she said.

"Well that's good, because I certainly wouldn't want you to forget about me...."

She just sat there.

Dom, I'm not sure adding the "s" makes that statement any less bizzare while "snuggling." :devil:

I am in a storytelling mood I guess.

My uncle was originally married to a very beautiful woman who ended up cheating on him. After they divorced, he married a woman who looked like the female version of Buddy Hackett. One night he was out drinking with my dad and a few friends and he started telling the story that after having his beautiful wife cheat on him, he made it his life's goal to find a woman who would be so unattractive that she would never have the opportunity to cheat on him.

After a bit of silence, my dad said, "Well you did good."

One thing about my father was that he was very intelligent but could never keep words straight.

When I was sixteen, we were driving around one day and he spotted a Volvo and said, "I'd like to get me one of those Vulvas one day, those are sharp."

Having just taken A&P I said, "Dad, that's sort of a female thing, isn't it?"

"Nah, there are lots of guys at work that drive them."

Plus- whenever we went into a fast food restaurant he would order a Big Mac, regardless of where we were. When I would say something like, "Dad, we're at Hardee's, not McDonald's," he would say "Okay, just give me one of your Hardee's..."

If it weren't so lovable it would be embarrassing.

And to show you the apple didn't fall far from the tree....

A few months before he died, I told him that people always were coming up to me and telling me how much I look like he did at the same age.

"Well you sure date lot better looking woman than I ever did at that age," he said poking fun at himself.

Thinking this was such a funny anecdote, I went and told -you guessed it- the woman he was with at my age, my mother.

Obviously it didn't go over very well, but I was relieved to know that he had told her the same story just a few days earlier.

It didn't go over very well that time, either. :)

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Dom, I'm not sure adding the "s" makes that statement any less bizzare while "snuggling."

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Well, you know, I was quite the man in the day...she couldn't help herself. :ughmamoru

[QUOTE=Dom Heffner]I am in a storytelling mood I guess.My uncle was originally married to a very beautiful woman who ended up cheating on him. After they divorced, he married a woman who looked like the female version of Buddy Hackett. One night he was out drinking with my dad and a few friends and he started telling the story that after having his beautiful wife cheat on him, he made it his life's goal to find a woman who would be so unattractive that she would never have the opportunity to cheat on him.
QUOTE]

My Grandfather used to tell me the exact same story about one of his friends. Did your uncle and aunt, by any chance, live in rural NW Ohio?

When I was 15, one of my friends told me he was getting a car. He was really excited about it, and I was happy for him. I asked what kind of car, and said, "A Pinto." And he grinned.

It wasn't the jaded grin of a college kid basking in irony; it was the smug grin of a smarmy brat boasting about his conquest. A grin meant to induce envy and jealousy. I had no car.

But good lord, a Pinto?

I laughed. I couldn't help it.

His grin faded. Obviously hurt, he countered with, "...but it'll be one of the nicer Pintos you've ever seen."

I laughed even harder, and told him, "A turd dipped in gold is still a turd."

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My Grandfather used to tell me the exact same story about one of his friends. Did your uncle and aunt, by any chance, live in rural NW Ohio?

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No, they lived in SW Ohio. Funny thing is, even my uncle admitted this happened (and bless her heart, she was one unattractive lady). I don't think my aunt knew, though. :)