[Dom Heffner]

No matter how much I practice at tennis, I will never be as good as a wall.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see a escalator temporarily outta order sign, just escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience... we appologize for the fact that you can still get up there"

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I'll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend... don’t even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's back home in the file... under "D", for doughnut.

I had a bag of Fritos. They were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. H*ll yeah. Reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. 'Better flip that Frito, Dad. You know how I like mine.'