BOSS: Gentlemen, we need a way to make this game appealing to masses!
ASST: Faster games! How about a nine-run mercy rule unless Danny Graves is in the game? Or only one pitching change per inning? A shot clock for Tim McClelland’s hand signals?
ASST: That sounds like a lot of collective bargaining, which our lawyer fans will eat up with a spoon. It’s the other 98% I’m talking about.
ASST: We could mass-produce cookie-cutter apparel and encourage people to express their individuality by getting it at the mall and wearing it everywhere they go.
BOSS: Go on.
ASST: We could produce everything overseas in Kathy Lee’s factories and charge a premium here at home, making every piece in the line seem like a status symbol.
BOSS: That’s fresher than a jock strap before a day game!
ASST: Best of all, the design work is done. After all the stadiums we’ve forced the fans to build over the years, we have a ton of paint-splattered hats lying around as prototypes.
BOSS: Johnny Lunchbox will eat those up. What about the kids?
ASST: Easy. And I do mean very easy. When young ladies show up in the player parking lot and waving, we stand back and snap photos of whatever appears above the waistline.
BOSS: Bull’s eye!