From where I sit, you've come a long, long way since your darkest days a few years ago. I quietly read your writings and you appear to be back to the old you. Since then I've been appalled to read about how many RZers have struggled with mental illness to the point of considering suicide. But let's get to you specifically.

First of all, just because a doctor now says that he wants you on a med the rest of your life doesn't mean that'll happen. It does mean you'll be on it for the foreseeable future and if that means not going back to where you were, what's the problem? That's the purpose of meds. My point in this paragraph is don't get too caught up in the "rest of your life" bit in all of this. You're a young guy. Nobody's commiting to the rest of your life decisions right now. Being a health care professional myself, I know opinions and circumstances change. I'd prefer the wording of "foreseeable future" or "for now".

I don't understand the issues you've dealt with but I do have close family members who've dealt with depression. I can't even say exactly what meds she's on but one of them says that she has to take her meds every day to feel fine and her husband concurs as he wants a "happy" wife. They both are fine with this reality and they don't understand why another family member who suffers from the same ailment resists taking her meds while continuing to struggle with moodiness. My point here is don't worry about having to take a pill every day. Be glad that it's there for you and let it do what it's intended to do. I can think of tons of ailments where the patients would love to treat it with a pill the rest of their life.