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https://www.amazon.com/Charles-DeMaris/e/B07BD4JBQB
I was complaining about our floor supervisor the other day - as we all do, because he defines the word lazy and shiftless - and guess who was standing behind me at the time?
"In my day you had musicians who experimented with drugs. Now it's druggies experimenting with music" - Alfred G Clark (circa 1972)
My mom was always pretty funny with her foot in mouth moments. After my wife and I were married in 1980, we were showing the 110 photographs we had taken of the reception. I showed my mom a picture, and she thought it was a picture of herself. She exclaimed, "Oh, my! Who is that fat thing?"
My wife said, "That is my grandmother."
My flustered mom probably apologized more than a 100 times over the course of the next three hours.
"I am your child from the future. I'm sorry I didn't tell you this earlier." - Dylan Easton
Our department boss at work got transferred three weeks ago, and her assistant moved up to manager. He was telling me the other day that he's already received two lectures on how to be a good manager, but both were radically different lectures. One was respecting your employees and you'll get respect back, the other was "Don't sleep with your coworkers". Motormouth here, before she could stop herself, spouted off "Eh, no worries there, nobody is interested!".
Oops. Unintentional kick to the ego there.
asked 3 hours ago the sister of my girlfriend if she came to us in her pyjama (I didnīt think about it and really thougt it was a pyjama short)
yeah, I learned something new about fashion today....
Kinda reminds me of when I was getting a wisdom tooth taken out. The dentist was having a problem getting it out. I have a horrible gag reflex so I was gagging quite a bit. She said hey lets take a break for a few minutes, I said sure then spouted off with " I guess I would make a very good gay guy would I" line. She gave me the look.....LOL!!!!!
Once I handed a valet attendant a $1 and said "Don't let a Jew steal that" and he gave me the oddest look!
One of my worst ones. Had a friend in high school that would always talk junk back and forth with me. She was clumsy, and always doing stupid stuff, which we laughed about. She came in with a black eye one day, and I figured she fell or something, and asked "damn, who beat your ass?", she cried and left the room and I found out her stepdad had beat the mess out of her the night before. I feel bad to this day and she never came back to our school, so never got to apologize.
UNC Tar Heels 2017 National Champions 6 time NCAA Champs!!!
57, 82, 93, 05, 09, 17
Go Heels!!!!!
I had one happen just recently....I went into a Wendys to get some burgers and fries for my kids while we were watching the oldest kid play reserve football on a saturday...apparently that wendys is the only place in town to grab a bite so it was loaded with the lunch crowd and the football crowd was all there at once...
so the "guy" took my order and you could clearly tell by how this feller talked that he wasnt playing on the same team as most of us older men....He even told the man in front of me that his shirt was cute...."dude" in front of me was wearing a pink polo shirt....I am not judging but....well maybe I am judging.....but anyhow.......so its my turn and mind you this place is packed and people are giving their order at the register then having to stand over to the side for a few minutes until he would yell out a number and they would come pick up their bag of food....I figured it was a receipt number like at my local Long John Silvers........so i order my food and he tells me he loves my hat, it was an Ohio State football hat and after he enjoyed my hat he yells really loud.."O-H".....like I was supposed to yell "I-O" at the top o fmy lungs or something.....I just wanted my order and get to eating......so I looked at him all weird and said "oh yeah, I-O".....so he cracks a few jokes at my expense about how enthused I appeared....again, I just want my food and to get going, I think its great dude is making his job fun and having a good time with it but when its clear your customer is not, move on to the next dimwit instead of me.....so i pay him and he gives me my change and takes a piece of paper from his hand and asks me for my phone number...yes asked me for my phone number, this "guy" that I had already assumed was as gay as gay could possibly be is asking me for my phone number and all these people were standing right there watching....I was appauled, I was shocked......I looked at him all weird once again and I was almost speechless, I could feel my blood pressure going up and it felt like a thousand people were waiting on me to give this gay guy my number so we could go out on a date or something.....as i got more mad and more embarrasses by the thought of it all he once again says "hey, can I have your phone number please, cell number or home number, it doesnt matter"........so I just erupted like a volcano.....I said...."sir, get your manager out here right now....I am a married man with my wife and kids sitting right outside in the car waiting on me and you have 20 customers waiting on you to get their orders processed and your trying to hit on me and get my digits".....at this time he is just looking at me like i was the dumbest man on planet earth.......so I jump back on his back and tell him how unprofessional it is and how he wont go far in life until he grows up and yada yada yada.....I am sure I said more because I was mad, furious..I wanted to punch him and it even crossed my mind once he started laughing at me....I thought this guy is laughing in my face.....
well, as this cat started laughing, another customer that was standing there waiting on their food walked up to me and said "sir, he's asked everyone for their number, thats how they know what bag of food belongs to who".............................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..........I processed those words into my thick skulled brain and just stood there.....as i was about to say how sorry I was the guy says just as clear as a bell......"sir, I am gay and I love it, I love being gay and I dont hide it from no one....but I have a boyfriend and if I didnt have a boyfriend I sure as hell would not be hitting on you"...
Mind you I had just paid this dude about $20 for food....I just turned around and walked out and didnt even get my food or even try to apoplogize any further......all the customers that were waiting on their food and all the ones who were behind me waiting to order basically gave him a clap and an "atta-boy" as he told me how I was not his type.....
I am soooooo glad that was in a small town that I have never been to and will never go to again.....all this time I have just been hoping and praying that no one from my hometown was in there while it was happening...
sorry for the long story but that just happened this past fall....probably the single most embarrassing moment of my life.
Whoah.
This thread just got real.
It's like a modern urban folk tale from a progressive mother's email forward.
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