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Thread: Losing a parent early... how to help the other parent?

  1. #16
    Member mdccclxix's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a parent early... how to help the other parent?

    Sorry for your loss Doug, prayers headed your way.

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  3. #17
    The Boss dougdirt's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a parent early... how to help the other parent?

    Thank you for everything guys. I am just basically quick hitting the internet right now, so I can't respond to much right now but a few of you I will probably be in touch with via PM at some point next week.

    I know it has been mentioned here about being around for my mom. Right now I am living back at home. My dad needed care and when he got sick I moved back home to take care of him so my mom could work and we could still keep the house and cars. At this point I think I am going to be here for a while. My mom isn't sure that she is going to be able to keep the house, we just really aren't sure about financials yet and need to go over them all next week and figure out what we can do to cut back and see what we can keep. So I am probably going to stick around for as long as I can to try and keep the house for the family.

    Again, thank you everyone and if anyone else has any more advice, like I said, please share it.

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  5. #18
    always ask questions bigredmechanism's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a parent early... how to help the other parent?

    Aww man, Doug, that's so sad to hear. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for this situation.

    I'm sorry for your loss.
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  6. #19
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    Re: Losing a parent early... how to help the other parent?

    Doug:

    I'm so sorry for your loss; I lost my mom last year - while it was different as I'm your dad's age, it is never easy.

    The one thing I can tell you is that it will get better over time - be there for your mom, but make sure that you get some Doug time as well.
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  7. #20
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    Re: Losing a parent early... how to help the other parent?

    Quote Originally Posted by dougdirt View Post
    Thank you for everything guys. I am just basically quick hitting the internet right now, so I can't respond to much right now but a few of you I will probably be in touch with via PM at some point next week.

    I know it has been mentioned here about being around for my mom. Right now I am living back at home. My dad needed care and when he got sick I moved back home to take care of him so my mom could work and we could still keep the house and cars. At this point I think I am going to be here for a while. My mom isn't sure that she is going to be able to keep the house, we just really aren't sure about financials yet and need to go over them all next week and figure out what we can do to cut back and see what we can keep. So I am probably going to stick around for as long as I can to try and keep the house for the family.

    Again, thank you everyone and if anyone else has any more advice, like I said, please share it.
    Doug I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. If there's any thing I can do, let me know.
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  8. #21
    Oy Vey! Red in Chicago's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a parent early... how to help the other parent?

    I'm very sorry for your loss Doug. My best to you and your family.

  9. #22
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    Re: Losing a parent early... how to help the other parent?

    Doug, so sorry to hear this news.

    I actually heard about your dad's illness from another source outside RedsZone. I got a message asking for prayer for someone with your same name who was sick. I started mentally putting the pieces to the puzzle together and came to realize that it was your dad they were talking about.

    At any rate, know that our prayers are with you and your family.
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  10. #23
    13 Belongs in Cooperstown Captain13's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a parent early... how to help the other parent?

    Doug, I am so sorry to hear. I am crying as I type this as it brings back everything. Seven years ago, my mom was diagnosed with a rare form of kidney cancer the week before her 50th birthday. Two months later she was said to be "cancer free" Three months later she was dead (the cancer had come back). Her and my step-father had been married 20 years and it was hard on all of us. I can tell you the previous advise is spot on.

    1. Be there for her.
    2. Let her be there for you.
    3. Take care of yourself.
    4. Talk about your father. Remember him together.
    5. Don't make any rash decisions about money. Don't buy or sell a home or car right away.
    6. Understand at some point she may want to date again (she may not), but support her either way.
    7. Re-read 1 through 4.
    8. Do 1 through 4.

    I will send your family thoughts, prayers, and good karma. It will take time, but you will survive this new existence.
    What if this is as good as it gets?

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  12. #24
    My clutch is broken RichRed's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a parent early... how to help the other parent?

    Doug, it's a terrible way to have to do it, but in a situation like this, you may be surprised to learn how strong you and your mom can be. A tragedy can bring a family closer together, and I hope it does that for you. It will also be natural to feel guilt at times, like if you laugh at a joke when you think you're supposed to be in mourning. Don't wallow in the guilt.

    My parents were married 49 years when my dad passed away six years ago, and my mom was a homebody (because dad was) who would never take the initiative to make a decision or do anything on her own. Now, at the age of 76, she's out 3-4 nights a week with friends listening to live music, and I practically have to make an appointment to see her. I guess my point is, your mom will certainly need your help and support but after some time has passed, you might see her flourish in unexpected ways.

    I can't pretend to know what it's like to lose a parent so young, but as others have said, it always hurts. There's been a lot of good advice here and maybe you can use this board as a form of therapy. The part about remembering to take care of yourself is especially important.

    I offer my sincere condolences for your loss, and I wish the best for you and your family as you try to heal.
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  13. #25
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    Re: Losing a parent early... how to help the other parent?

    I am sorry for your loss, Doug. My mom died in 2000, and I can remember the funeral when my father, who rarely shows emotions, breaking down in tears. I worried about him because they were so close to each other for sixty-something years.

    Today, my dad is doing okay at 90 years-old. He went through some tough years. There are few close relatives still living in northeastern Massachusetts, but that is where he wants to stay. He is crusty and curses the weather but is proud of his survival abilities.

    You and your family will be in my prayers.
    "I am your child from the future. I'm sorry I didn't tell you this earlier." - Dylan Easton

  14. #26
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    Re: Losing a parent early... how to help the other parent?

    Sorry for your loss, Doug. That's way too young for your Dad to pass.
    I can't relate exactly, but as many have said here, I think your Mom must stay occupied especially if she was his primary caregiver and now doesn't have that to concern herself with.
    "A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it."

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  15. #27
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    Re: Losing a parent early... how to help the other parent?

    Very sorry to hear of your loss Doug. While I'm not in your position, my girlfriend lost her Dad a couple weeks before her 27th birthday many moons ago. She echoed a lot of the same things here that many others have. 1 being, and this is probably the hardest to swallow, that you never get over losing that person. But that it does get easier with time.

    She also echoed that the best thing you can do is spend time with your mom in any capacity. If she wants to watch a movie, do that. If she wants you to make dinner, do that. If she wants to play games, do that. Whatever it is that she wants to do that will help her cope, that's the best thing you can do. Making sure that she doesn't feel alone and she still has you around will help her a lot.

    Good luck, it's not an easy situation in any respect, but it will get easier.

  16. #28
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    Re: Losing a parent early... how to help the other parent?

    My condolences Doug.

    My Dad died a year a half ago, it hasn't been easy for my Mom, for the last 3+ years she was his caregiver and she gave her all, she has days when she just cries and it's always going to be an ongoing thing, what I've found to help is just trying to be around as much as possible and keep involved in things, reminding her that she still has a reason to be around, talking good memories of my Dad has also helped

    I'll echo taking care of yourself too.
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  17. #29
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    Re: Losing a parent early... how to help the other parent?

    Condolences.

    Couples lean on each other like trees. So often when one goes the partner has very real problems adjusting.

    An enormous part of who and what your mother was is gone. You can't fill that hole, but you can make it not so deep for her.

    Be as physically present as you can. It's pretty easy to mask behind the voice on the phone. With your mom's youth you will have a much easier time getting her adjusted to regular skype type calls than if she were older.

    Women tend to be more socially connected than men. Encourage her to stay as connected as possible.

    My dad was older. It's been eight years that he died. My mom and I still talk about him regularly.
    "Even a bad day at the ballpark beats the snot out of most other good days. I'll take my scorecard and pencil and beer and hot dog and rage at the dips and cheer at the highs, but I'm not ever going to stop loving this game and this team and nobody will ever take that away from me." Roy Tucker October 2010

  18. #30
    Titanic Struggles Caveat Emperor's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a parent early... how to help the other parent?

    Quote Originally Posted by KronoRed View Post
    My condolences Doug.

    My Dad died a year a half ago, it hasn't been easy for my Mom, for the last 3+ years she was his caregiver and she gave her all, she has days when she just cries and it's always going to be an ongoing thing, what I've found to help is just trying to be around as much as possible and keep involved in things, reminding her that she still has a reason to be around, talking good memories of my Dad has also helped

    I'll echo taking care of yourself too.
    I went through a very similar situation when I lost my mother a few years ago. My father had been her caregiver for a while and he was lost without her.

    The best advice I can give is to let things proceed naturally. It's going to take time for EVERYONE in the family -- and there's no "right" or "wrong" way for things to happen.
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