When life unravels all at once.

[Tom Servo]

I have definitely noticed your absence and you have been missed 'round here. I've gone through a number of similar situations and even after things seemed all good for me, the last 9 months have thrown me a lot of curves professionally. But brotha, life is peaks and valleys, and right now is a valley. Just do you for a while, whether that means getting out more or getting out less, and eventually you just work through it like Joey Votto in a slump.

[757690]

The way I look at it, it's better to be Not So Wonderful Monds than No Monds at all. Hang it there, it's worth it, even if it's hard to see that now.

[vaticanplum]

WM, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You sound like you've really been rattled with some bad luck. It never ceases to amaze me how brutal life can be in the timing of doling out luck sometimes. I mean that both within lives and across entire lives.

Add me to the list of people who've been there within the last few years. I'm going to say an incredibly dickish thing and admit that I'm at a point in my life where I probably would have said, if pressed for my conscious thoughts on the matter, that I thought I was immune to that kind of thing. I had the stability and the outlook and the genetic makeup such that I just would have assumed that if I were someone prone to depression, it would have come out long before then. But life can get hard with no warning. Poor choices catch up to you, bad luck snowballs, loneliness can debilitatingly isolate you even when you are loved. Sometimes I feel like things have been bad for me as much by having my own worldview and self-view upended as by circumstances themselves. It sounds like you feel very unmoored and I do know exactly how that feels.

I'm going to fly in the face, probably, of conventional wisdom and not tell you that things will get better. Not because it isn't true, but because when I was at my worst (and I'm by no means out of the woods yet), that was full-stop the last thing I wanted to hear. It always felt like a catchphrase that no one could put any guarantees on...because no one can put guarantees on that, because no one knows the future. If someone was going to tell me that things were going to get better, they'd better damn well be able to quantify it, and not just be someone for whom things were going better than they were for me. I could picture things getting worse (like, everyone I know dying or something), but I could not picture things getting better. And that phrase was supposed to help? Depression is (by definition?) the absence of hope, and so working that much harder to have hope for the very non-concrete, very non-quantifiable adage that things would get better actually felt counterproductive to me. I felt like it made things worse.

What I can say with absolute certainty is that things change. Sometimes they change for the worse and sometimes for the better, but most of the time they just change with no immediate better-or-worse qualification. They affect your life in ways that carry it along and shape it, and you have a degree of agency in how they shape it, especially as time goes on and you have more experience and perspective on your previous life events.

I'm not a therapist, and I've somehow stupidly, circumstantially never been in therapy, so I'm not speaking from a professional perspective but just from my own when I say that depression narrows your whole existence. The loneliness is isolating. The lack of interest in things eliminates new ideas and knowledge and experiences. The whole metaphor of depression being a dark existence is almost literal, not metaphorical: your existence becomes so focused on your own life, your own lack of place in the world, that it blacks out everything else. It totally warps your perspective of the world beyond your own experience, no matter how hard you try to crawl out of your own thoughts. At least that was my experience.

What is so, so important to remember is that the inevitable change that defines life is not limited to you. It's incredibly hard to remember this when you're so entrenched in the difficulty of your own day-to-day existence, but the very lack of control we sometimes feel over our own circumstances is, somewhat ironically, the same thing that could shake up your life any day, any moment. Things which do not originate from you and do not even have anything to do with you will affect and change you. The world is very big and there is a lot going on. Someone will write a book that you will read and will change the whole way you see the world. Someone you meet will see something in you that you didn't see in yourself. Something will shift in the way the world runs which will give rise to a type of work that didn't exist before and which may be the work you were born to do. The Reds will win a game -- or hell, lose one -- in a way that gives you sudden clarity about something in your life.

I'm not saying this to back up the adage "things get better." I'm saying that good and bad things will both continue to happen to you, but life is a game of odds, and the more you ensure that things continue to happen to you at all, the more you up your odds that things will change in a way that will work for you. Nine out of 10 people you talk to in life may not quantifiably make your life "better", and some may even make it worse. But the more people you talk to, the more you up your odds that you're going to find your way to that tenth person, and along the way you are communicating and getting outside of yourself and opening the world back up. Keep taking classes, because they will remind you that there are still things to learn, and one of those things will change you. Keep volunteering, because it widens your perspective, and because YOU are likely to be that change for someone else in those circumstances, probably without your even knowing it. There are people out there who need you every bit as much as you need them, but you will not find them unless you look. Every human being is predisposed to believe the world revolves around him or her, and it's not because we're selfish or incapable of empathy, but because we only have our own experience to go on so it's impossible for us to organically understand anyone else's world. But the more we force ourselves out of our own familiar worlds, the richer they all become. Every bad event becomes not a symbol of one snowballing crappy life, but as just another change, the kind that happens to everybody, and the kind that mirrors the good events that you will see more and more of, in both other people's lives and your own.

Just do everything you can to keep the world close to you. Depression pushes everything out. It mires you to your personal circumstances, your bad luck, your past decisions, like cement blocks, and it drags you away from everything else. But expose yourself to as much as you can, as much as you can bring yourself to see, to experience, to talk about, to learn about, to create, to everything. You will continue to get hurt and you will find that some things aren't worth pursuing or keeping in your life. But if you keep everything outside of your very current, very personal situation at arm's length, then change can't get in. Things will change, period. You say you are a piece without a puzzle, but if you continue to expose yourself to the wonder of the world, the good and the bad, then you are going to change shape. And the world is always changing shape too, every second. The more everything changes, the more chances you have to find a fit.

[moewan]

WM, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You sound like you've really been rattled with some bad luck. It never ceases to amaze me how brutal life can be in the timing of doling out luck sometimes. I mean that both within lives and across entire lives.

Add me to the list of people who've been there within the last few years. I'm going to say an incredibly dickish thing and admit that I'm at a point in my life where I probably would have said, if pressed for my conscious thoughts on the matter, that I thought I was immune to that kind of thing. I had the stability and the outlook and the genetic makeup such that I just would have assumed that if I were someone prone to depression, it would have come out long before then. But life can get hard with no warning. Poor choices catch up to you, bad luck snowballs, loneliness can debilitatingly isolate you even when you are loved. Sometimes I feel like things have been bad for me as much by having my own worldview and self-view upended as by circumstances themselves. It sounds like you feel very unmoored and I do know exactly how that feels.

I'm going to fly in the face, probably, of conventional wisdom and not tell you that things will get better. Not because it isn't true, but because when I was at my worst (and I'm by no means out of the woods yet), that was full-stop the last thing I wanted to hear. It always felt like a catchphrase that no one could put any guarantees on...because no one can put guarantees on that, because no one knows the future. If someone was going to tell me that things were going to get better, they'd better damn well be able to quantify it, and not just be someone for whom things were going better than they were for me. I could picture things getting worse (like, everyone I know dying or something), but I could not picture things getting better. And that phrase was supposed to help? Depression is (by definition?) the absence of hope, and so working that much harder to have hope for the very non-concrete, very non-quantifiable adage that things would get better actually felt counterproductive to me. I felt like it made things worse.

What I can say with absolute certainty is that things change. Sometimes they change for the worse and sometimes for the better, but most of the time they just change with no immediate better-or-worse qualification. They affect your life in ways that carry it along and shape it, and you have a degree of agency in how they shape it, especially as time goes on and you have more experience and perspective on your previous life events.

I'm not a therapist, and I've somehow stupidly, circumstantially never been in therapy, so I'm not speaking from a professional perspective but just from my own when I say that depression narrows your whole existence. The loneliness is isolating. The lack of interest in things eliminates new ideas and knowledge and experiences. The whole metaphor of depression being a dark existence is almost literal, not metaphorical: your existence becomes so focused on your own life, your own lack of place in the world, that it blacks out everything else. It totally warps your perspective of the world beyond your own experience, no matter how hard you try to crawl out of your own thoughts. At least that was my experience.

What is so, so important to remember is that the inevitable change that defines life is not limited to you. It's incredibly hard to remember this when you're so entrenched in the difficulty of your own day-to-day existence, but the very lack of control we sometimes feel over our own circumstances is, somewhat ironically, the same thing that could shake up your life any day, any moment. Things which do not originate from you and do not even have anything to do with you will affect and change you. The world is very big and there is a lot going on. Someone will write a book that you will read and will change the whole way you see the world. Someone you meet will see something in you that you didn't see in yourself. Something will shift in the way the world runs which will give rise to a type of work that didn't exist before and which may be the work you were born to do. The Reds will win a game -- or hell, lose one -- in a way that gives you sudden clarity about something in your life.

I'm not saying this to back up the adage "things get better." I'm saying that good and bad things will both continue to happen to you, but life is a game of odds, and the more you ensure that things continue to happen to you at all, the more you up your odds that things will change in a way that will work for you. Nine out of 10 people you talk to in life may not quantifiably make your life "better", and some may even make it worse. But the more people you talk to, the more you up your odds that you're going to find your way to that tenth person, and along the way you are communicating and getting outside of yourself and opening the world back up. Keep taking classes, because they will remind you that there are still things to learn, and one of those things will change you. Keep volunteering, because it widens your perspective, and because YOU are likely to be that change for someone else in those circumstances, probably without your even knowing it. There are people out there who need you every bit as much as you need them, but you will not find them unless you look. Every human being is predisposed to believe the world revolves around him or her, and it's not because we're selfish or incapable of empathy, but because we only have our own experience to go on so it's impossible for us to organically understand anyone else's world. But the more we force ourselves out of our own familiar worlds, the richer they all become. Every bad event becomes not a symbol of one snowballing crappy life, but as just another change, the kind that happens to everybody, and the kind that mirrors the good events that you will see more and more of, in both other people's lives and your own.

Just do everything you can to keep the world close to you. Depression pushes everything out. It mires you to your personal circumstances, your bad luck, your past decisions, like cement blocks, and it drags you away from everything else. But expose yourself to as much as you can, as much as you can bring yourself to see, to experience, to talk about, to learn about, to create, to everything. You will continue to get hurt and you will find that some things aren't worth pursuing or keeping in your life. But if you keep everything outside of your very current, very personal situation at arm's length, then change can't get in. Things will change, period. You say you are a piece without a puzzle, but if you continue to expose yourself to the wonder of the world, the good and the bad, then you are going to change shape. And the world is always changing shape too, every second. The more everything changes, the more chances you have to find a fit.

This is maybe one of the best things I've read here in Redszone

[RedTeamGo!]

Women are crazy.

Sorry women that read that, but you are. All of you.

[Roy Tucker]

I agree with vp. I was going to write something similar but not so eloquent.

Been in your place way back in the day (circa late 70's early 80's). Divorce, broken relationships, bad choices, and an unhealthy taste for Jack Daniels left me in a bad spot. A really bad spot. My black period. I knew it was all of my own doing, but that didn't help matters much. Most of my friends drifted (or fled) away from my like from witnessing a bad car wreck. It seemed that I had a penchant for taking the wrong fork in the road.

Tried drinking myself to death (that's didn't work and I got tired of hangovers), therapy (gave me someone to talk to but that was about it), religion (just not for me), running (exercise really does help), but mostly I listened to myself. I knew the things that would make me happier, but I couldn't seem to get there. I took up backpacking (Canada and US NE) for a couple years and that helped me clear my head. Hours and hours and days and days of being on a trail, having to worry about just basic human needs (water, food, and an appreciation for toilet paper), and lots of time to think. Lots of time without the static.

So, I kept breathing. I kept doing things. Some of them were stupid, some were still self destructive, some were OK, and some were pretty good. I got better at decision making. I started to recognize the stupid ass sh*t that I did and tried to head it off. I began to realize that little voice in the back of my head wasn't Farney but was actually my conscience. Sometimes I listened, sometimes I still effed up bad, but sometimes I did OK. I started to realize that if I listened to it better, I did OK.

Life will always throw curves at you and it won't really ever be all peaches and cream. If you live a full life, good and bad things will happen. Sometimes you'll have a good stretch, sometimes bad stuff will stack up so much you can't breathe, but for the most part its a mix. It's all in how you handle those things. Have the good grace to enjoy and be in the good moments when they happen, tighten up the sphincter when the going gets hard and know the bad eventually gets resolved, but for the most part, listen to your conscience because that eventually leads you to where you want to be.

[Red Buckeye]

In 2012, I went through a nasty divorce with a girl I thought was my soul mate. To make matters worse, she took my only child 3 hours away which only allowed me to see him every other weekend. It was awful. It took me a long time to pick up the pieces and figure what I had to do. But eventually I packed and moved up to where he was. Went from a nice cushy well paying job to a commission based 60 hours a week job, that if I am lucky will ALMOST pay me what I made in Ohio.

But time does heal. Now in 2014, I am good at my job, I see my son 3-4 times a week, and I am dating a sexy little 22 year old (I am 31).

When I was going through the divorce and all the crap in 2012 it messed me up pretty bad mentally. I had to take off work for almost a month to deal with stress induced severe migraines. I basically couldn't leave my darkened bedroom for nearly a month. I too had ideas of hurting myself. I thought I was a bad father and husband for losing my marriage and not getting to my son as often as I wanted.

But time heals. It really does. What I would say to you is I assume you are young. At least this was just a girlfriend and not a wife. Losing a first love is tough, but I almost gurantee it won't be the last person you love dearly that will go their seperate ways. Also, good for you going to college. That is a great decision. If your love life isn't working out well, and you family life is rough, try to focus on your studies. Be the best student you can be and go after that dream job. Complete one mission at a time, and only time can heal a broken heart.

Hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I was in a dark place a couple years ago. The same year the Reds had a great season I couldn't enjoy it because everything else in my life was going wrong. But things will get better. Finish school, and the feeling you will get when you graduate and accomplish something the majority of Americans don't accomplish will mentally help you.

Stay strong brother.

[Kingspoint]

In 2012, I went through a nasty divorce with a girl I thought was my soul mate. To make matters worse, she took my only child 3 hours away which only allowed me to see him every other weekend. It was awful. It took me a long time to pick up the pieces and figure what I had to do. But eventually I packed and moved up to where he was. Went from a nice cushy well paying job to a commission based 60 hours a week job, that if I am lucky will ALMOST pay me what I made in Ohio.

But time does heal. Now in 2014, I am good at my job, I see my son 3-4 times a week, and I am dating a sexy little 22 year old (I am 31).

When I was going through the divorce and all the crap in 2012 it messed me up pretty bad mentally. I had to take off work for almost a month to deal with stress induced severe migraines. I basically couldn't leave my darkened bedroom for nearly a month. I too had ideas of hurting myself. I thought I was a bad father and husband for losing my marriage and not getting to my son as often as I wanted.

But time heals. It really does. What I would say to you is I assume you are young. At least this was just a girlfriend and not a wife. Losing a first love is tough, but I almost gurantee it won't be the last person you love dearly that will go their seperate ways. Also, good for you going to college. That is a great decision. If your love life isn't working out well, and you family life is rough, try to focus on your studies. Be the best student you can be and go after that dream job. Complete one mission at a time, and only time can heal a broken heart.

Hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I was in a dark place a couple years ago. The same year the Reds had a great season I couldn't enjoy it because everything else in my life was going wrong. But things will get better. Finish school, and the feeling you will get when you graduate and accomplish something the majority of Americans don't accomplish will mentally help you.

Stay strong brother.

Kudos to you for making that move to get closer to your son. It's unbelievable how many men won't do that. I don't get that.

[reds44]

Your ex sounds like a real dumbass (pardon the language but it was the only word that seemed fitting). You'll probably look back and think you dodged a bullet with that one. Hang in there.

[Falls City Beer]

Maybe school isn't for you. Maybe you're suited to making things, building things. Our culture sends so many signals to people that are virtually impossible to ignore, and we stake so much on meeting standards that we never set for ourselves.

Read the Stoics. Help bring dignity and order to one thing or person. Or ignore every prescription you've read here. There's peace and dignity and love in every difficulty no matter how profound. The quote that is never far from my mind in my blackest moments is from, of all people, William of Orange, who said, (in Dutch or something, idk), "One needn't hope in order to persevere." The fight is about the carrying on not the victory or defeat--but that's not what our culture ever tells us.

[wolfboy]

This is a pretty community based board so I figure it's alright to post this here.

A few of you have probably noticed that I have quipped about not watching many baseball games this year. It's true. I'v seen maybe 3. I don't care about baseball right now.

I am depressed as I have ever been in my life. I feel utterly and entirely alone. I feel as though I am drifting through life completely by myself and there's nothing I can do about it.

A little over a month ago my girlfriend broke up with me, the first person I was ever truly in love with. I haven't really had a family, and the family I have had has abused me for as long as I remember,

My girlfriend left me for her ex boyfriend who broke into her house and killed her dog during a argument. That's the person who is preferential to me.

I have been in therapy my whole life. I see 2 now plus a psychiatrist who has me on 2 medications, as well as group therapy.

As a UC student, I connect with no one.I have no friends here. I feel completely alone and out of place. I've tried Meetup. I've tried taking classes. Volunteering. I am just a puzzle piece with no place to fit.



For the past ~month I have thought about ending my life every day. I've broken down and hurt myself on a number of occasions. The help isn't helping. There is no light at the end of the tunnel.

So that's off my chest now. See yall later I guess.

I'm going to PM my cell number and email to you. I'm no psychiatrist; I'm not terribly interesting; and I can't offer you any sage advice (every day, I'm trying to figure it out like anyone else). But if you need someone to have coffee with, grab lunch with, or whatever the Hell else, just let me know. You're not alone. Hang in there.

[Rojo]

There's peace and dignity and love in every difficulty no matter how profound. The quote that is never far from my mind in my blackest moments is from, of all people, William of Orange, who said, (in Dutch or something, idk), "One needn't hope in order to persevere." The fight is about the carrying on not the victory or defeat--but that's not what our culture ever tells us.

Reminds me of my favorite Chuchill quote, "if you're going through hell, keep going".

[Johnny Footstool]

Thanks for reaching out, WM. That proves you're still involved and want to be connected. Please keep us posted on how things are going.

[RedsfaninMT]

Been debating posting this, and finally decided if it helps, then I need to do it. Back in the late 80's I was married to the woman of my dreams. Stunning beauty that drew looks everywhere we went...she was often asked if she was Paulina Porizkova just to give you an idea. Life was great, or so I thought. I had a job I could not escape, but she was free. My folks took her sailing with them in an exotic, tropical location. She slept with the captain on another boat multiple times, not hesitating to do it while my parents and sibling were anchoring a short distance away. I knew the moment she stepped off the plane she had had an affair. We tried to salvage the marriage, and I thought we were making progress, when 3 months later I came home from work to a candlelit dinner. That was an unusual event in those days and made me frisky. So I started kissing her, only to be told she could not make love to a man she did not love. I was completely devastated. I saw her one time after that. She did not have the decency to show up for divorce proceedings.

I moved from Ohio to Idaho. Had a fling with a gal, who I thought was more than a rebound, but she suddenly left me for her ex boyfriend. He used to beat her up (was jailed for it once), but she found him exciting, or so she said. (Sound familiar?) Like you, Monds, I knew not a soul. I absolutely thought about taking my own life. Fly fishing helped me with a lot of time for reflection. Moved back to OH for Grad school, only to have my ex come back into my life in a very hurtful way. A fellow student knew her from post divorce days. He said to me that he was glad to get to know me, that it disproved the rumors. I asked what rumors, and he told me that my ex had spread the rumor that I beat the crap out of her - often. That had not happened. Not a single time. Lucky for me, I had met the true love of my life, or I am not sure how I would have reacted otherwise. Twenty plus years later we have a wonderful son, a small ranch in Montana, and aside from health issues, life could not be much better. That doesn't mean everything is perfect. But the lows make the highs a heck of a lot more enjoyable.

You hang in there dammit! You get whatever help you can. Know you can and will beat this.

[vaticanplum]

So where is Wonderful Monds anyway?