Family drama help

[dfs]

I'm sorry, I disagree with most of this.

The daughter just sounds like she needs a dose of reality and a proverbial 'kick in the butt.' How hard is it to take away her iPhone and Jeep? (Now, I wouldn't take away her phone until she gets back for emergency purposes and I wouldn't call the police, but something substantial needs to be done.) She's 20 and living in her mother's house. If that speeds up the independence process, then great. It sounds like she needs it. The daughter will realize one day why it's happened and feelings will cool. That's part of growing up.

It's way past 'talking about feelings.' She's going to a wedding of her BOYFRIEND's relation in which HE'S not even going to be there. The mother is absolutely in the right on this one. She paid for the trip, her jeep, and her phone. My parents paid for a lot of my crap, but they would've put their foot down if something like that would've happened.

Right. I didn't flesh out this...."If you disagree with separating consequences from expectations, that is very much taking the daughters side.".... but the real reason to do this is to simply not get into that kind of power struggle. Step daughter is almost out of the coop, you don't want to be playing chicken with rules at this point. Bring the hammer down. Make her get her own cell phone plan....and she can never use our car again and.....what...you're not coming home this holiday season because you're going to your boyfriends home? oh.....wait.....uhmm....

She's very close to separated already (and that's actually a good thing) Don't force the issue in such a way that you will regret it later.

....here.....classic example. Have you ever known a woman who declared herself done with a boyfriend? What do you do. You don't trash talk the ex and tell her how bad he was because the second you do that and she gets back together with him then you're no longer welcome in their home. To connect the dots here, if Powersacker agrees with his wife that they "need to teach her a lesson" what is going to happen is the step daughter is going to say....."rents, who needs them?" and his wife is going to look at him and ask him why HE drove her baby away from them. That's NOT a place you want to be.

I mean....danger danger Will Robinson....read what you wrote...She is going to a wedding of her boyfriends relations in which he's not going to be there. and you think starting a conversation with her telling her she needs to straighten up and fly right in order to stay in your family is a good idea? You might want to re-think that, cowboy.

[George Anderson]

Your step daughter unfortunately is a brat. Take everything away from her and tell her you will not support her anymore through college if she does not abide by yours and your wife's wishes.

If she doesnt like it then quit school and join the military or work at Walmart. She will get a quick dose of reality then.

[powersackers]

Your wife's angry. Your stepdaughter is stubborn. That's a pretty big difference. Or so it sounds. Not much you can do about the stepdaughter. I agree with dfs. Try to make your wife see it for what it is.

So after two conversation with each I was able to get the daughter to apologize and the wife to listen to it. I had to do a mismatch of tactics and strategies - a lot from your all's comments. But I think I helped each realize it each others positions. The cell Is back on and she is coming home tomorrow.

I didn't take sides. But they both heard from me what I thought was right and wrong - With your guys help.

[Patrick Bateman]

So after two conversation with each I was able to get the daughter to apologize and the wife to listen to it. I had to do a mismatch of tactics and strategies - a lot from your all's comments. But I think I helped each realize it each others positions. The cell Is back on and she is coming home tomorrow.

I didn't take sides. But they both heard from me what I thought was right and wrong - With your guys help.

Excellent. Good to hear to it went well.

[jojo]

I honestly think its time ou wean your daughter off of the teat. She's earned the scholly and it sounds like you guys should be proud of the young woman you've raised. That said, she's been living a lifestyle above her means and probably has to learn some hard lessons after she graduates unless you plan to keep her on the dole.

She's acting like he's independent when she's nowhere close to it. You wife is acting like your daughter is dependent but has given her the trappings of freedom.

These are the issues you guys should discuss. Pittsburgh was just a symptom not the problem. Id fear that right now your daughter is being entrained to credit cards/unsecured debt when she goes out on her own and that could dramatically limit her future choices and thus happiness.

Anyway, just my two cents without knowing any of the facts really.

[Raisor]

Was it a close friend that was getting married?

[dougdirt]

Not entirely sure which part you disagree with.

I've been married some time now and I'm pretty sure that declaring my wife's reasoning as irrational would have negative consequences even, no especially, when it's true that her reasoning is irrational.

I disagree with the part of taking the wifes side simply because she will get mad at me over it. Obviously there is a line to be drawn, if she's wrong about who a character was in a tv show, sure, let it go. But taking her side completely when she's being irrational about turning off a cell phone and reporting a car stolen because she's mad that an adult, no matter how much she wants to believe is still her little 8-year-old girl, went somewhere that wasn't to her liking, is not the time to just take her side and agree with her.

I get that the phone and the car aren't paid for by the daughter. But they are also paid for on the condition, at least to my knowledge of the situation, of simply existing as the daughter, not on the "you had better do everything I tell you", which is the case that at the time the mother seemed to be trying to go with.

There's a line. Once the mother started talking about turning off the phone or calling the cops, she jumped well beyond that line.

[LoganBuck]

This is why I have sons.

[RedTeamGo!]

This is why I have sons.

As a person that is getting near the childbearing phase of life having daughters is my 2nd biggest fear in life (health of child is obviously #1).

[RichRed]

This is why I have sons.

Cats are good.