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Thread: "Parental" advice

  1. #16
    Rally Onion! Chip R's Avatar
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    Re: "Parental" advice

    Thanks to all for your advice. I spoke with her last night and basically said I was disappointed in her and that she was breaking her promise. I also told her I considered her family and as part of my family I wanted her to go to events like this. I called her out on her varying excuses - a nrw one was that she felt obligated to go. I told her we couldn't force her to go but my family would see it as a snub. I have to give her credit. She stuck by her guns and apologized profusely. She was emotional about the whole thing and wiped tears from her eyes at several points. I told her to give her mom a break and she clarified the running away thing - she just wanted to get away from the fighting temporarily. I told her it will be hard to trust hwr in the future and she had to call my nephew and cancel. She offered to pay back the money for her cancellation but I told her no one is looking for her to do that.

    When I saw her mom, she told me the girl basically has no college fund. Her dad's parents had one for her but I guess they raided it a few years ago. Her dad wad supposed to deposit birthday and XMas checks into a college fund for her but ended up putting them in his own account.
    Quote Originally Posted by Raisor View Post
    I was wrong
    Quote Originally Posted by Raisor View Post
    Chip is right

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  4. #17
    Middle Class Rut TRF's Avatar
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    Re: "Parental" advice

    My kids are 19, 25 and 27.

    This isn't a line in the sand to die on. Your girlfriend, frankly, sounds like she could use a few days away from her daughter. Just to clear her head. So go to the wedding without her. Maybe that will allow time for some future planning for her. ROTC isn't the only way to pay for College. I work for a community college, and let me tell you, Universities love, love, LOVE transfer students. They have a higher completion rate than incoming freshman do and they offer scholarships like crazy. Community college is far cheaper and she can get her basics out of the way, have a more flexible schedule and find something part time while living at home.

    Just a thought or two Chip, I hope things work out.
    "There was like a softness to it, a glow to it. I felt... I felt warm."

    -- Joseph Daniel Votto 7/10/2017

  5. #18
    Member BernieCarbo's Avatar
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    Re: "Parental" advice

    You even brought her to tears? Cool. Guess you showed her. I have a feeling this is going to stay with her for a while, especially once she matures a little bit more and realizes that her mom's boyfriend actually said his family would see it as a snub if she didn't go to the nephew's wedding just as she was trying to get a job and figure out how to pay for college. I feel for the girl.

    I look forward to the next thread: "My girlfriend's daughter just moved in with her boyfriend at the trailer park".

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  7. #19
    Daffy Duck RedTeamGo!'s Avatar
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    Re: "Parental" advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Chip R View Post
    When I saw her mom, she told me the girl basically has no college fund. Her dad's parents had one for her but I guess they raided it a few years ago. Her dad wad supposed to deposit birthday and XMas checks into a college fund for her but ended up putting them in his own account.
    This is brutal. Parents that steal money from their kids and make it even worse by lying about it for years are *******s.

    As I said before, her friends are all excited to go to college and she probably feels like her life is falling apart.

  8. #20
    They call me "chef"
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    Re: "Parental" advice

    "You canceled last minute for your mom's boyfriend's nephew's wedding in Iowa. How will I ever trust you again?"

    I'm both surprised and heart broken that the story didn't end with the daughter asserting herself and calling out how ludicrous that guilt trip was. Sorry for crossing a personal boundary here but the idea of an adult laying such a thick manipulative narrative out there like that on a kid and the kid accepting it AND crying and apologizing for it breaks my heart. Hopefully, the daughter will find her support unit via friends in college and start building herself up so that, the next time a man tries to get her to feel horrible to make himself feel good, she'll have the confidence and self-worth to tell him where to stick it.
    Quote Originally Posted by dougdirt
    Guys, just stop arguing with him. He will literally never stop.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sea Ray
    Larry is living the role of the underachiever who's still struggling to get a life so he spends hours upon hours posting worthless bilge on the 'net
    Quote Originally Posted by RedTeamGo!
    I think those are just two separate quotes and not meant to be taken together.

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  10. #21
    Five Tool Fool jojo's Avatar
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    Re: "Parental" advice

    The sooner that she gets into the habit of keeping promises to others-especially the significant others in her life, the sooner she'll be a happier, more successful adult human.

    And lets be perfectly honest while we're climbing up the high soap boxes..... When you have months of advance notice, scheduling a day off of work is a trivial thing. Maybe we shouldn't act like her career trajectory wouldve been irreparably tilted downward and that the emotional scarring has doomed her to a life of unmet professional promise.

    She made a promise and then she made a bunch of weenie excuses to back out of it. While she may be a little more comfortable in the short term, as the easy way always seems to be, all she really did was strengthen her weenie muscle. An adult human who cared about her and her happiness SHOULDVE called her out on it.
    Last edited by jojo; 05-30-2017 at 02:30 PM.
    "This isnít stats vs scouts - this is stats and scouts working together, building an organization that blends the best of both worlds. This is the blueprint for how a baseball organization should be run. And, whether the baseball men of the 20th century like it or not, this is where baseball is going."---Dave Cameron, U.S.S. Mariner

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  12. #22
    Member BernieCarbo's Avatar
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    Re: "Parental" advice

    It's not a significant other in her life- it's her mom's boyfriend that doesn't even live there. And you don't know how hard it is to ask for a weekend off just as you start a job. A lot of places won't even allow it.

    She was brow-beaten. People who see this aren't on a soap box- we have kids and would never do that to our own. I can only say that Chip is very lucky the real dad seems clueless too, or else he'd have another problem right now. I've always told my four daughters to never, never, never let a guy try to coerce her into something that doesn't seem quite right. This whole thing is creepy on so many levels.
    Last edited by BernieCarbo; 05-30-2017 at 03:15 PM.

  13. #23
    They call me "chef"
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    Re: "Parental" advice

    The happiest, most successful people I know are pretty skilled at telling folks to go pound sand. And, often, the first time they exercise that important muscle is with their controlling and emotionally manipulative parents.

    From my own experience, my life as an adult didn't take off until I finally cut my dad out of my life. Literally a few months later, I moved in with my future wife, got an awesome job, and everything has been moving upward from there. I didn't even notice how strong the correlation was until, years later, I looked back and noted the timeframe for both. It's even more striking when you look at how stunted and delayed the adult lives are of my siblings who still cater to him.

    I don't have a daughter but, if I did, I'd tell her to break every ridiculous 'promise' she ever makes. I'd congratulate her for it. Then I'd do my best to equip her with the confidence and assertiveness to tell people "No" and, if warranted, "Screw off" before they can slap the "promise/oath" label on their ludicrous demand. Once you kick the jabronis and energy vampires to the curb, that's when you're truly able to keep your promises to your significant others and lead a happy, successful life. Otherwise, your 'happiness/success' is just a moon orbiting some dude's planet-sized insecurity. That's not a recipe for long-term happiness, IMO.
    Quote Originally Posted by dougdirt
    Guys, just stop arguing with him. He will literally never stop.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sea Ray
    Larry is living the role of the underachiever who's still struggling to get a life so he spends hours upon hours posting worthless bilge on the 'net
    Quote Originally Posted by RedTeamGo!
    I think those are just two separate quotes and not meant to be taken together.

  14. #24
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    Re: "Parental" advice

    Quote Originally Posted by BernieCarbo View Post
    I've always told my four daughters to never, never, never let a guy try to coerce her into something that doesn't seem quite right.
    Eh, I think this event seems like a complete bore for her, and I can't imagine why anyone in Iowa would expect this girl who's not related to them to show up....but I don't see what "doesn't seem quite right", either. It's a "family" wedding that she apparently agreed to attend. He's not trying to coerce her into joining a cult. I'm having a hard time figuring out why anyone cares if she's there or not, but I think "creepy" is quite strong.

  15. #25
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    Re: "Parental" advice

    Quote Originally Posted by TRF View Post
    I work for a community college, and let me tell you, Universities love, love, LOVE transfer students. They have a higher completion rate than incoming freshman do and they offer scholarships like crazy. Community college is far cheaper and she can get her basics out of the way.
    I know this is the line in Ohio, and it may actually be true elsewhere, but here in Ohio community college is pretty much a guarantee of the 6 year plan which makes things far MORE expensive than just straight up going to a four year school. I would actually love to hear counterexamples meaning folks on the board who had a good experience at an Ohio community college.
    "Even a bad day at the ballpark beats the snot out of most other good days. I'll take my scorecard and pencil and beer and hot dog and rage at the dips and cheer at the highs, but I'm not ever going to stop loving this game and this team and nobody will ever take that away from me." Roy Tucker October 2010

  16. #26
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    Re: "Parental" advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Boston Red View Post
    Eh, I think this event seems like a complete bore for her, and I can't imagine why anyone in Iowa would expect this girl who's not related to them to show up....but I don't see what "doesn't seem quite right", either. It's a "family" wedding that she apparently agreed to attend. He's not trying to coerce her into joining a cult. I'm having a hard time figuring out why anyone cares if she's there or not, but I think "creepy" is quite strong.
    Don't wanna speak for BernieCarbo but the request itself isn't creepy at all. The guilt trip and extrapolation ("if you break this promise, how can I trust you again") IS a bit creepy though. If my wife, sister or future kid backed out of a non-relative's wedding and were told "you are breaking a promise" or that, from now on, their word would be in question, I'd give a bit of a double take at what might be motivating that kind of language.
    Quote Originally Posted by dougdirt
    Guys, just stop arguing with him. He will literally never stop.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sea Ray
    Larry is living the role of the underachiever who's still struggling to get a life so he spends hours upon hours posting worthless bilge on the 'net
    Quote Originally Posted by RedTeamGo!
    I think those are just two separate quotes and not meant to be taken together.

  17. #27
    Member BernieCarbo's Avatar
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    Re: "Parental" advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Boston Red View Post
    Eh, I think this event seems like a complete bore for her, and I can't imagine why anyone in Iowa would expect this girl who's not related to them to show up....but I don't see what "doesn't seem quite right", either. It's a "family" wedding that she apparently agreed to attend. He's not trying to coerce her into joining a cult. I'm having a hard time figuring out why anyone cares if she's there or not, but I think "creepy" is quite strong.
    Echoing what Larry said, it wasn't the original request that was creepy- it was what it became once it took a life of its own.

    And I can kind of relate. I have a 15 year old son, and my girlfriend has a 15 year old girl and a 10 year old son. We've gone out for 9 months, and I would never consider them family because, well, they aren't family. We'll be a family if/when we become committed and live together. Visiting on weekends is just playing house.

    Also, running this through my mind, if I had relatives in Iowa and a nephew invited me to the wedding, it wouldn't even occur to me to expect them to go. I may say something like "Hey, I'm going to this wedding next month. You're welcome to join me, but if it doesn't work, that's ok too." Unless the nephew donated a kidney to Chip or something, I just don't understand how this spun out of control emotionally.

    And let's stop this stuff about the girl breaking a "promise". After the last time, she probably just said "yes" to shut everyone up, since that's all the power she had. And I really have to wonder about the mom in all of this. I can say that if I ever made my girlfriend's daughter cry for any reason, it would be the last time I would ever see her. Again, this girl is loaded and primed to make any attempt to get out of there. I've seen it over and over in interacting with my own kids' friends. Hell, half the time it seemed like an orphanage because my kids would bring friends home for a while because their friends had such a hard time in their own homes.

  18. #28
    Middle Class Rut TRF's Avatar
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    Re: "Parental" advice

    Quote Originally Posted by BernieCarbo View Post
    It's not a significant other in her life- it's her mom's boyfriend that doesn't even live there. And you don't know how hard it is to ask for a weekend off just as you start a job. A lot of places won't even allow it.

    She was brow-beaten. People who see this aren't on a soap box- we have kids and would never do that to our own. I can only say that Chip is very lucky the real dad seems clueless too, or else he'd have another problem right now. I've always told my four daughters to never, never, never let a guy try to coerce her into something that doesn't seem quite right. This whole thing is creepy on so many levels.
    I have kids. Older than the young lady in question. My advice was to let it drop, mostly because of circumstance. But hell yes do I expect my kids to live up to their obligations. I've brow beaten my youngest, who still lives at home, as recently as last night. Done the right way, they draw the same conclusion. For the most part though, this situation is different. Chip is in a somewhat of a parental role without actually being the parent. 2 of my kids are from my wife's previous marriage, and that was tough to tiptoe around. It has to be harder for him, but at the same time, He's not the parent regardless of how much he might care for her.

    Bottom line is the kid agreed to go. If he has her involved a lot with his family, it might seem like a slight to them, especially if they have been there for events in her life. Ultimately it is her decision though, even if she does live at home with mom. To that end Chip, are you living with the mother? if so, and your family has been involved in events significant to her, your ground is firm if not, certainly less so.
    "There was like a softness to it, a glow to it. I felt... I felt warm."

    -- Joseph Daniel Votto 7/10/2017

  19. #29
    Middle Class Rut TRF's Avatar
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    Re: "Parental" advice

    Quote Originally Posted by dfs View Post
    I know this is the line in Ohio, and it may actually be true elsewhere, but here in Ohio community college is pretty much a guarantee of the 6 year plan which makes things far MORE expensive than just straight up going to a four year school. I would actually love to hear counterexamples meaning folks on the board who had a good experience at an Ohio community college.
    Well here in TX it certainly is, especially since we have gon to an 8 week Curriculum. Students are finding it is similar to their HS experience, in terms of workload, and they can split a semester into 2 8 week chunks. So far our completion rates per semester are rising towards 70% and are on track to make sure that transfer degrees complete in 5 semesters or less, including one summer session if needed. Plus we have dual credit with High Schools. Some kids are graduating with 2 year degrees a week before they graduate high school. it's rare, but it happens.
    "There was like a softness to it, a glow to it. I felt... I felt warm."

    -- Joseph Daniel Votto 7/10/2017

  20. #30
    Five Tool Fool jojo's Avatar
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    Re: "Parental" advice

    Quote Originally Posted by BernieCarbo View Post
    It's not a significant other in her life- it's her mom's boyfriend that doesn't even live there. And you don't know how hard it is to ask for a weekend off just as you start a job. A lot of places won't even allow it.

    She was brow-beaten. People who see this aren't on a soap box- we have kids and would never do that to our own. I can only say that Chip is very lucky the real dad seems clueless too, or else he'd have another problem right now. I've always told my four daughters to never, never, never let a guy try to coerce her into something that doesn't seem quite right. This whole thing is creepy on so many levels.
    No offense but this is kinda weird... When did expecting a person to keep their promise become creepy coercion? If Chip has done anything questionable, it's expecting her to keep her promises after being bit twice. The girl did nothing laudable. She's simply reinforced a track record of not keeping her word.

    It's actually kind of creepy that some would defend that as commendable behavior. And sorry, she had plenty of power to schedule around an event months in the making.
    "This isnít stats vs scouts - this is stats and scouts working together, building an organization that blends the best of both worlds. This is the blueprint for how a baseball organization should be run. And, whether the baseball men of the 20th century like it or not, this is where baseball is going."---Dave Cameron, U.S.S. Mariner


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