Great Quotes from TV & Movies Thread

[WVRed]

Simpsons-

Cop: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No.
Lie detector: eeeeeeee (lie)
Moe: Alright, maybe I did, but I didn't shoot him.
Lie detector: Ting! (truth)
Cop: Okay sir you're free to go.
Moe: Good! Cause I got a hot date tonight.
Lie detector: eeeeeeee
Moe: ...a date...
Lie detector: eeeeeee
Moe: ...dinner with friends...
Lie detector: eeeeeee
Moe: ...dinner alone...
Lie detector: eeeeeee
Moe: ...watching TV alone...
Lie detector: eeeeeee
Moe: Alright! I'm a sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret's catalogue.
Lie detector: eeeeeee
Moe: ....Sears catalogue.
Lie detector: Ting!
Moe: Now would you unhook this already please! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment!
Lie detector: eeeeeee

[Hap]

Don't <blank> in my hair.

--Boogie Nights--

[DunnersGrl44]

"Grandma says you have to leave cause your ruining all of our lives and your eating all of our steak!"
"Kip, can you come by school and bring me some chap stick, my lips hurt really bad!"
"Napoleon, your just jealous cause I have been talking to hot babes on the internet all day."
"You know I am training to be a cage fighter"
"WHAT! Grandma we don't need a babysitter, Kip is like 32"
"Hey Napoleon, what are you gonna do today? ANYTHING I FEEL LIKE GOSH!!!"
"It's a Liger, a mix between a lion and a tiger, with medieval powers"
"It's prolly the best thing i have ever drawn, it took me like 3 hours to get the shading on your upper lip."


The Awesome Artistry of Napoleon Dynamite. A must-see

[letsgojunior]

"If I had a conversation with God, I'd ask Him to create this girl."
-Steve, "Singles"

[Johnny Footstool]

"Mind you don't cut yourself, Mordecai."

"Son, you got a panty on your head."

"You know, jammies! They had...Yodas and ****!"

"When there was no fish, we ate fowl. When there was no fowl, we ate crawdad. When there was no crawdad, we ate sand."
"You ate sand?"
"We ate sand."

-Raising Arizona

[CougarQuest]

Hello there Cliff, what color is the sky in your world.

[919191]

Marge to Homer upon seeing his face on a baseball team shirt as a mascot "Who would ever have thought we would have seen the day when a Simpson is on a t-shirt?"

[zombie-a-go-go]

"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken. "

"Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else."

Jack: "A new car built by my company leaves somewhere traveling at 60 mph. The rear differential locks up. The car crashes and burns with everyone trapped inside. Now, should we initiate a recall? Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one."
Business woman: "Are there a lot of these kinds of accidents?"
Jack: "You wouldn't believe."
Business woman: "Which car company do you work for?"
Jack: "A major one."

"On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero."

-Fight Club

[SunDeck]

From Seinfeld, one of the best monologs ever.

BOOKMAN: Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, 'What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books?' Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! (Pauses) Or, maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies.. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld.

[westofyou]

I'm Iowa.

Ralph Wiggum

[Chip R]

It's nice to be nice to the nice. - Frank Burns

[traderumor]

Caddyshack (one of hundreds)

"Carl Spackler: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama -- long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga...gunga -- gunga galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consiousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."

[traderumor]

Ok, another Caddyshack, in memoriam (but not in respect of ) of Rodney Dangerfield:

"I tell ya, country clubs and cemetaries biggest waste of prime real estate around" (paraphrase)

[Crash Davis]

The recent escapades of Bill O'Reilly reminded me of another Caddyshack quote:

"Elihu, will you come loofah my stretch marks?"

[Red Heeler]

How poorly does it reflect upon television programming when the most intelligent show over the past 15 years has been a cartoon?

"Doh!!!!" Homer Simpson.