My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

-----------------------------------

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

------------------------------------

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

------------------------------------------

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

------------------------------------------

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

------------------------------------------

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you

I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

-------------------------------------------

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

----------------------------------------------

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

-------------------------------------------------

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

----------------------------------------------------

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

----------------------------------------------------

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

---------------------------------------------------

We have been friends for a very long time

let's say we stop?

--------------------------------------------------

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

-------------------------------------------------

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.