And You Want To be My Latex Salesman

[GAC]

Some funnies sent to me by SF.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A Republican congressional candidate in Texas.
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)
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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca
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"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --George W. Bush, President
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may re-apply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[GAC]

Subject: Letter from a Marine Recruit

LETTER FROM A FARM KID,

NOW A SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing.


Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sargeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sargeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.

The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't
shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.

I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.


Your loving daughter,
Gail

[GoReds]

I don't have the actual quote, but it went something like this:

A reporter interviewed Charles Shackleford shortly after the NC State center put up the best game of his career. During the interview, the reporter asked:

Reporter: Charles, how can you explain today's outstanding game?

Shackleford: I can shoot with my left hand; I can shoot with my right hand - I'm amphibious.

Wonderful.

[GAC]

I think it's called Yogi Berra-itis.

[REDREAD]

Shackleford: I can shoot with my left hand; I can shoot with my right hand - I'm amphibious.

Wonderful.

Yeah, this dates me, but I remember him saying that. Another one of our outstanding NCSU alumni

After a quadruple overtime game, Chucky Brown had played something like 55 minutes of the 60 minutes of game time. In the postgame interview, he said something like "I'm the most tiredest man in the world"

[Stewie]

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
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That's always been one of my favorites.

[Blimpie]

Of course, there is always the famous quote from former Tampa Bay Buccaneer coach John McKay who was asked this question after another miserable loss during his infamous 0-16 season:

Reporter: "Coach, could you please comment on the execution of your offense?"
McKay: "I am in favor of it..."

I don't think he was kidding......

"He (coach McKay) stopped talking to us after the third game," defensive lineman Pat Toomay told the Columbus Dispatch in 2001. "During the week, he wanted nothing to do with us. I can't blame him, really. We had so many guys get injured that nobody knew who was hurt and who wasn't. By the end of the season we were getting guys out of the Canadian league and off the streets."

[Puffy]

Shaq Diesel:

"I've won championships at every level except High School and College"