John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out
on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed.
"An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later,
"Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked "How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a popsicle too."
Ya Gotta Love 'Em!
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators
for over four hours.
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a
repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to
have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe
really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her tailpipe.
Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happen.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into
the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up
the windows first."
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while
covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which
that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see
through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to
the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps some things hot and
some things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing.... I'm going to buy it!" So she
bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that,' he asked?
"Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, "
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee".
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and
sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde
kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and
finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked "Does it
hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money
from you; I'm doing community service this week"
The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber
goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the
barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to
open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his
Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill
the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm
doing community service this week."
The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the
barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books
such as "How to improve your business and Becoming more successful".
Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the
barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the
Next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats
lined up waiting for a free haircut.
A cow from Wisconsin
The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Antigo, Wisconsin, for $200.00.
They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.
They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked,
"Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin
Thirty-four years ago, Everett Davis, a Tennessee Mountain man was drafted by the Army. On his first day of boot camp, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.
On his second day, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.
On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. The Army is still looking for him.
In response to President Bush's Federal "No Child Left Behind Act" (NCLB), it is proposed that students will have to pass a test to be promoted to the next grade level. In the hope that this proposal will be uniformly adopted by all of the states, as well as North Carolina, the new test will be called the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test, or FART.
All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be tested in Grades 3, 4, and 5 until they are capable of passing a FART score of 80%. If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student shall be placed in a separate English program known as the Special Mastery Elective for Learning Literacy, or SMELL.
If with this increased SMELL program, the student cannot pass the required FART test, he or she can still graduate to middle school by taking another one semester course in Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation, or CRAP.
If by age fourteen the student cannot FART, SMELL, or CRAP, he or she can earn promotion in an intensive unawake seminar known as the Preparatory Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students, or PRUNES.
It is the opinion of the Department of Instruction for Public Schools (DIPS) that an intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to FART, SMELL, or CRAP.
This revised provision of the student component of the House Bill 101 should help "clear the air" as part of the "No School Left Standing" Act.
Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black -- were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they struck up a conversation.
The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I pee on everything--the sofa the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pee'd in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big
hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts, too." the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my lady owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts! off for you too, huh?"
The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an
Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next
generation, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."