Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married an Ohio girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
You got to love them Ohio girls
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
asks. "No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it
Down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget
that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got
it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen...
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands
His wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and asks, "Where's my toast?"
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're
getting married?" "Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I have no idea."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"She can still drive!"
Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know
you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you
about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at
7P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me
Such beautiful flowers! Then, he took me downstairs, and what's there
but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he
took me out for dinner, and such a marvelous dinner it was lobster,
champagne, dessert, and after dinner drinks. Then we went to see a show.
Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died
Then we came back to my apartment and he turned into an absolute
Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress, and had his way
With me two times!"
"Goodness gracious!"Dorothy exclaimed. "So, are you are telling me I
shouldn't go out with him?" "No, no, no," Edna replied, "I'm just
telling you to wear an old dress!"
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" The man replied,
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A
Few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
Gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor
spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and
The doctor replied, "That's not what I said. I said, 'You've got a
Heart murmur. Be careful.'"
One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a
house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Black Lab just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young
and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift,
an! d in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of
puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue
needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best
friends, Daryl and Gomer. These three had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl
said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The
mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to
identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's
pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and
Gomer said, "No, ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
"Well, Bubba had two *******s."
"What ? Two *******s ?"
"Yep. Everybody in town knew that. They'd always say 'there goes Bubba,
with them two *******s.'"