Yesterday was not a good day for the ol' GACster (and it wasn't suppose to be that way).
I need to rid myself of the stress by making this thread (and it's the next day already).
Yesterday was a beautiful day, and since I am a 3rd shifter, I thought I'd get up around 3 in the afternoon, go outside, and start to clean up all the fallen limbs, branches, and yard waste that has been laying in my front and backyard since that humungous ice storm a couple months back. Some of you may remember the pics I posted.
I also thought that the kids could help me when they got off school, and we could put a nice dent in this HUGE project.
A friend loaned me his Sears Craftman chainsaw (remember that name, because it is important to the story later on). So I'm out in the garage, and I get the saw out, and the chain is off. There is no owner's manual, and since I wouldn't use one anyway (it's the part of the code), I sat there and figured out how to get it on and get the tensioner set just right.
It only took me (and the neighbor) about a half an hour (and this guy is an engineer for cryin' out loud).
So I get it going, and start hitting the limbs. And over the next hour the chain comes off about 4-5 times. I'm perplexed. Meanwhile, my OTHER neighbor who lives across the street (and who has never spoken a word to me in the 6 years we've lived here) is stealthfully watching me from inside his garage. He sees that I see him, so he kinda backs away into the corner of his garage, but is still peeking to watch me. I figured he felt I was gonna saw a leg off or something.
So the kids get home, and Dad is still starting and stopping the chainsaw (that's right, to put the chain back on in case you haven't been following along), and I tell them to change their clothes and get out here and start hauling branches to the back of the yard. I get gripes and complaints. So I tell them that I'm also standing in a huge pile of switches, and I'm not afraid to use them! Parental bonding is such a wonderful and handy tool.
So for the next 1 1/2 I'm fighting this chainsaw, and makng minimal progress (but some). My daughter and youngest boy are too busy wrestling around, and my oldest boy, who is 16, is carrying back branches, one at a time, that are about the size of a #2 pencil. I figure at this rate we'll have it all cleared by the next ice storm. So I'm now yelling at two inanimate objects-the chainsaw and the kids.
Now the maple tree in my front yard is about 30 feet tall. And there is this huge branch that is hung up about half way up. So I decide that I'm gonna need to shimmy up that tree and cut it down. Unfortunately, at age 49, I forgot how to shimmy. So I get a ladder and climb the rest of the way, with saw in hand. No (you idiots!) not the chainsaw either. I may be stupid, but I'm no idiot! My oldest boy asks "Dad, what are you gonna do up there?" (smart lad - Starvin Marvin's here he comes!). I tell him to get me a rope and I'll show him (I was jokin of course).
So I'm sawing away at this branch (and a few others), and after about 20 minutes I look around to check on the kids, and I see that my oldest is gone. So ask the other two where he went? They said he was in the garage looking for rope! And this kid wants to work for Bill Gates some day???
So we're not making much progress, so I decide to get the Sears Craftsman riding lawnmower out (first time this year), hook up the trailer, let the kids drive it and load up branches to haul. I figured that would motivate them since they love to ride the mower. But first I had to figure out how to get out of this tree!
Well, the battery was dead on the mower. So the hilligan that I am, I get the car and pull it around to jump the mower (Thats right, I've done it before). In the process I run over the dogwood sapling (I didn't it! - and this will play in later also). So I get the mower started and the kids start arguing over who is gonna drive it first. I resolve that issue and let the oldest boy drive. Now we have a very low area in the back part of our yard that during the spring is nothing but much for about a month till warm weather dries it up.
So guess where my son buries the mower? And guess where my son is buried.
He runs the battery down trying to get it re-started, so I have to push it out and up the hill near the house so they can hose it off and I can look at it. My legs still ache (I should have made him get off the mower - he weighs a ton).
Now this is where the Sears Craftsman comes in. I was so mad that if I could have had Bonb Villa in front of me (and I could keep the blade on that #@@!$# chainsaw) he would have looked like that black knight in Monty Python.... "Yeah Bob! Lets see you use that Cratfsman all-in-one ratchet now!!"
It's about 7:30 now, and I'm stressed and exhausted. Plus I still have to get ready to go into work. So I tell the kids to get inside, take their showers, go to their rooms, and I don't want to see their sorry butts the rest of the night!
My lovely wife (you all know my wife), is sitting at the computer in her pajamas playing cards on MSN Gaming Zone. I was surprised... "Nothing on Lifetime Network dear? Maybe some movie about a deranged husband who is driven insane with yard work, and who massacres his family with a chainsaw?" I ask.
She looks at me and wonders what is wrong? Forum rules prevent from going into details of the visions that ran through my mind at that moment. But it wasn't pretty. And I think that if I carried it out, after hearing my testimony, there wouldn't be a jury in the land that would convict me.
So I finally go to work.
Remember that dogwood sapling I ran over? I found it this morning. About 5 miles from my house, and on the way home, my car started overheating profusedly. I mean white smoke was pouring out of it. And people in cars passing me felt it was their civic duty to let me know that my car was smoking. Of course I just smiled back, made the the normal hand acknowledgements to say "Thanks"; but what I was really saying was... "Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I see it you stupid @#$! -WHAT, DO YOU THINK I'M BLIND?"
So the car goes to the mechanic tommorrow... and where GAC goes, I never know for sure.
And you people wonder why I drink?
P.S.- Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I also triesd to call two of my best Redszone buds last night on the way to work for some stress management relief; but they wouldn't answeer their phones. So now, on my way to work I gotta look for my cellphone somewhere on St Route 47!