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Thread: Funny Stuff You've Heard People Say

  1. #16
    Hot Stove Season HotCorner's Avatar
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    Re: Funny Stuff You've Heard People Say

    Three stories ...

    First I was visiting relatives back east and we all decided to go bowling one evening. My aunt calls the alley to see what time open bowl is and the pricing. The guys tells her the info. My uncle then tells her to ask "if he has 16 pound balls" ... which she did. She turned bright red. We couldn't stop laughing.

    Second I was working a now defunct department store (VanLeunens) in the Toy department during the Christmas rush. A lady walks up to me and bluntly asks "do you have super balls?"

    Third during a family vacation we stepped into an elevator and my dad looks at the control panel and sees the braile next to the buttons and says "They should highlight that in a bright color!"
    Last edited by HotCorner; 04-14-2005 at 04:25 PM.

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  3. #17
    Churlish Johnny Footstool's Avatar
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    Re: Funny Stuff You've Heard People Say

    From that day forward, my friends and I will speak of someone being "wolfman rich".
    That is just too awesome.
    "I prefer books and movies where the conflict isn't of the extreme cannibal apocalypse variety I guess." Redsfaithful

  4. #18
    Queen Christine
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    Re: Funny Stuff You've Heard People Say

    Today I went to Lunch with a good friend of mine by the name of Luc... and we were talking about how weak our nails are... and how we paint them so that we don't bite our names and make them any worse. Well she told me to try this nail stuff that makes them harder and less breakable. Then she added
    Luc: "yeah you should really try it, because i won't even bite my nails anymore because it tastes really bad, like their is Arson in it"...
    Me: "Arson??... ARSON? That is the word for a purposely set fire!"
    Luc: "OHHH, I meant to say Arsenic"
    Me: "I hate your life, Idiot"
    Just remember the golden rule...Good Pitching Always Beats Good Hitting~ Jason Anderson(Columbus Clippers)
    :coffey: Your my boy Blue!

  5. #19
    Plays The Right Way Hap's Avatar
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    Re: Funny Stuff You've Heard People Say

    I still enjoy a good, "That's what she said", when someone makes a statement that could have an alternate meaning with sexual innuendos.

    For example, at my previous job, I became very good at quickly terminating those annoying telemarketing calls. One time after I did so, the secretary said to me, "You got her off quick that time, didn't you?"

    At another job, a group of us were rolling some mats onto the floor when we began having trouble with one that was supposed to go under something. One guy said, "Go down to the other end, and we'll work it in together".

    Recently, I was helping my friend and his wife load a moving truck. I cannot recall the exact situation, but Brenda said, "You've only got two inches to play with, so we'll have to wiggle it in there really tight."
    .

  6. #20
    Potential Lunch Winner Dom Heffner's Avatar
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    Re: Funny Stuff You've Heard People Say

    I can't believe I am sharing this on a Reds board....

    One time I was um...let's say...snuggling with a girlfriend, and she looked me straight in the eye and said, "You memorize me."

    Thinking she just mispoke, I sort of gave a meek "What, sweetheart?"

    "You memorize me," she said.

    "Well that's good, because I certainly wouldn't want you to forget about me...."

    She just sat there.
    Last edited by Dom Heffner; 04-14-2005 at 09:37 PM.

  7. #21
    Pre-tty, pre-tty good!! MWM's Avatar
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    Re: Funny Stuff You've Heard People Say

    Dom, I'm not sure adding the "s" makes that statement any less bizzare while "snuggling."
    Grape works as a soda. Sort of as a gum. I wonder why it doesn't work as a pie. Grape pie? There's no grape pie. - Larry David

  8. #22
    Potential Lunch Winner Dom Heffner's Avatar
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    Re: Funny Stuff You've Heard People Say

    I am in a storytelling mood I guess.

    My uncle was originally married to a very beautiful woman who ended up cheating on him. After they divorced, he married a woman who looked like the female version of Buddy Hackett. One night he was out drinking with my dad and a few friends and he started telling the story that after having his beautiful wife cheat on him, he made it his life's goal to find a woman who would be so unattractive that she would never have the opportunity to cheat on him.

    After a bit of silence, my dad said, "Well you did good."

    One thing about my father was that he was very intelligent but could never keep words straight.

    When I was sixteen, we were driving around one day and he spotted a Volvo and said, "I'd like to get me one of those Vulvas one day, those are sharp."

    Having just taken A&P I said, "Dad, that's sort of a female thing, isn't it?"

    "Nah, there are lots of guys at work that drive them."

    Plus- whenever we went into a fast food restaurant he would order a Big Mac, regardless of where we were. When I would say something like, "Dad, we're at Hardee's, not McDonald's," he would say "Okay, just give me one of your Hardee's..."

    If it weren't so lovable it would be embarrassing.

    And to show you the apple didn't fall far from the tree....

    A few months before he died, I told him that people always were coming up to me and telling me how much I look like he did at the same age.

    "Well you sure date lot better looking woman than I ever did at that age," he said poking fun at himself.

    Thinking this was such a funny anecdote, I went and told -you guessed it- the woman he was with at my age, my mother.

    Obviously it didn't go over very well, but I was relieved to know that he had told her the same story just a few days earlier.

    It didn't go over very well that time, either.

  9. #23
    Potential Lunch Winner Dom Heffner's Avatar
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    Re: Funny Stuff You've Heard People Say

    Dom, I'm not sure adding the "s" makes that statement any less bizzare while "snuggling."
    Well, you know, I was quite the man in the day...she couldn't help herself. :ughmamoru

  10. #24
    Plays The Right Way Hap's Avatar
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    Re: Funny Stuff You've Heard People Say

    [QUOTE=Dom Heffner]I am in a storytelling mood I guess.My uncle was originally married to a very beautiful woman who ended up cheating on him. After they divorced, he married a woman who looked like the female version of Buddy Hackett. One night he was out drinking with my dad and a few friends and he started telling the story that after having his beautiful wife cheat on him, he made it his life's goal to find a woman who would be so unattractive that she would never have the opportunity to cheat on him.
    QUOTE]

    My Grandfather used to tell me the exact same story about one of his friends. Did your uncle and aunt, by any chance, live in rural NW Ohio?
    .

  11. #25
    Churlish Johnny Footstool's Avatar
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    Re: Funny Stuff You've Heard People Say

    When I was 15, one of my friends told me he was getting a car. He was really excited about it, and I was happy for him. I asked what kind of car, and said, "A Pinto." And he grinned.

    It wasn't the jaded grin of a college kid basking in irony; it was the smug grin of a smarmy brat boasting about his conquest. A grin meant to induce envy and jealousy. I had no car.

    But good lord, a Pinto?

    I laughed. I couldn't help it.

    His grin faded. Obviously hurt, he countered with, "...but it'll be one of the nicer Pintos you've ever seen."

    I laughed even harder, and told him, "A turd dipped in gold is still a turd."
    "I prefer books and movies where the conflict isn't of the extreme cannibal apocalypse variety I guess." Redsfaithful

  12. #26
    Potential Lunch Winner Dom Heffner's Avatar
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    Re: Funny Stuff You've Heard People Say

    My Grandfather used to tell me the exact same story about one of his friends. Did your uncle and aunt, by any chance, live in rural NW Ohio?
    No, they lived in SW Ohio. Funny thing is, even my uncle admitted this happened (and bless her heart, she was one unattractive lady). I don't think my aunt knew, though.


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