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Thread: Funny birth stories

  1. #1
    Resident optimist OldRightHander's Avatar
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    Funny birth stories

    Some time back on the radio, the topic was about funny things that have happened surrounding the birth of a baby. I think there was a story about a baby being born at a gas station in the news and the people on the radio just started going on about it and then people started calling in and sharing their stories. So this morning I read GAC's story in the married men thread about the birth of his kid and it got me to thinking that there have to be a lot of humorous moments out there. Since we don't have any children, I don't have any that I can give you, but my mother pulled a doozy the day I was born and since she doesn't read this board I think I can safely take the liberty of sharing it here.

    I was a New Years baby. I was born January 1, 1969, during the Rose Bowl. Ohio State was playing in that game and they would go on to win the National Championship that evening. I guess things were a bit different then and Dad was in the lobby with a bunch of other men watching the game. Mom was having some problems though, and when her water broke and she didn't go into labor, the doc figured something was not right and he gave her some labor inducing drugs. Still no labor. So he gave her some more drugs and still nothing happened. At that point he had to figure out what was going on and he found out that she had another membrane and that her water had in fact not broken "completely." So he manually broke her water and things got pretty intense with the drugs kicking in at that point. Mom was having a pretty rough go of it, so they put her out and I was born when she was completely unconcious. Some time later she came out of it and woke up. When she came to, she opened her eyes and the first thing she saw was the doctor standing there looking down at her. She looked at the doc and the first words out of her mouth were, "Who won the Rose Bowl?" I guess you can say I was born to be a sports fan.

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  3. #2
    First Time Caller SunDeck's Avatar
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    Re: Funny birth stories

    The only thing funny I can recall is something the guy down the street did. He and his wife were due to have their kid six weeks prior to us and we met at a birth education class (okay, that whole experience has a host of odd and funny moments, but I'll spare you. Suffice it to say that our instructor was, shall I say...a bit of a ditz.).

    This couple (whom we really liked) were 180 degrees in the opposite direction of us when it came to the birth experience. We were pretty matter of fact about everything, while they seemed to latch onto every moment of the pregnancy as if it were a cherished treasure. If that had been the case by itself, things would have been fine. However, to accompany the "mystical transformation" and "life changing" perspective on the birth and pregnancy experience, our friends were also equipped with the latest and best in digital video equipment.

    So, you get the picture, I assume; invitations to their place to watch movies of prenatal exams, emails containing sonograms, ecg readouts from the baby's heart rate, and of course his progress (Percentiles!), weight and growth. Mind you, this baby was still in the womb, so the we were dreading the big one, an invitation to watch their birth video, which came of course in late October...during the World Series. So, while the Marlins are completing one of the most inspiring WS victories of our time, guess what me and the little lady are doing?

    When we get to the door, we are of course, not greeted by mom and baby (he'll catch a cold!), but by dad. The whole house appears to have been sanitized and padded since our last visit. Mom and jr. have been hermetically sealed inside a room, painted with (I kid not) anti-bacterial paint. Who knew?!

    We settle down in the family room, still having not been invited to see the baby and my wife notices that the TV is queued to the DVD player. "Here it comes," she says.
    "What?", I ask.
    "The birth video," she replies.
    "That's right, got it queued and ready for you!", our friend interjects. He's busy wiping off the remote with Clorox Wipes. "Man, it was insane...Maria had a forty six hour labor."
    "We only have until about eight.", my wife says, looking very worried.
    "No problem, I only put parts of the labor in there."

    As you can guess, we sat there for two hours, watching clips of his wife screaming and crying, grandma complaining that they should get drugs, nurses doing nursy things, doctors looking worried, conferences about C-Sections, etc., and finally, after my wife had actually left, claiming discomfort (she was due in a month), the BIRTH, complete with by buddy sobbing into the camera (who is holding it?, I wondered) that childbirth had changed him forever, that Jesus was his savior and that he'd been transformed away from his evil ways. He would even stop watching porn.
    Seriously, he said these things straight into the camera, straightfaced and without any hint of irony or humor. They guy was off his nut.

    Long story short, he came back to earth after a couple weeks and we remain good friends. But, for a while there, I thought he was a total goner.

    That's what it can do to people, I guess.
    Next Reds manager, second shooter. --Confirmed on Redszone.

  4. #3
    Joe Oliver love-child Blimpie's Avatar
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    Re: Funny birth stories

    Prior to the birth of our first child, my wife and I--being responsible first time parents--attended a "child birthing class." Similar to a Lamaze class, it taught the mommy how to breathe through contractions, when you should/should not push, etc...Near as I can recall, as the "mommy coach" my responsibilities consisted of:

    1) feeding mommy ice chips upon demand
    2) videography
    2) timing contractions during labor
    3) making sure mommy did her breathing exercises
    4) making sure mommy didn't try to push until the doctor said so

    Long story short, when the day arrived, we barely made it to the hospital in time. The wife was seven centimeters and in the midst of hard labor before we were even admitted to a room. Nurses were scrambling around like ants fearing that she would deliver in the hallway even before the doctor made it to the delivery room. Things were happening so fast that I didn't even have a chance to retrieve our camera from the car...

    Let's just say that the whole "breathing exercise" thing was a great big waste of time. Because she already was so far along, it was too late to give my wife any pain medicine (for fear that it would be passed along to the baby while traveling through the birth canal)...and she was WAY too busy writhing in agony to be bothered with her coach "reminding her" about her breathing techniques. I was trying my best, but she was just being so damn selfish with her constant demands like, "Get this thing out of me...NOW!!!"

    The nurses were also urging her to breathe over the hard contractions, but she ignored them as well. The doctor arrived and was ready to do his thing. Finally, he gives my wife the green light to "hold your breath and push." At this particularly tense moment, instead of holding her breath, she starts to make this wierd sound with her lips...kinda like a bike tire that was losing all of its air. At this stage, I had seen just about enough of her blatant disregard for proper breathing protocols. So, acting on my coaching instinct--I made a split second decision...I took my index finger and thumb, and pinched her lips shut. Problem solved, right?

    What happened next, was like something out of a movie. The nurses stopped dead in their tracks and the room got real quiet. Everybody just stared at me like I was an alien. The main nurse said quite simply: "In my fifteen years of doing this, I have never seen a Father do that--and live to tell about it." For a brief moment there, I was sure that I was a goner. I thought to myself, "Close your eyes...and just walk towards the light"

    But then a bizarre thing happened. Instead of my wife standing up in the stirrups and strangling me with her IV, she began to laugh hysterically. Once the nurses saw that I was no longer in grave danger, they busted out laughing as well. We all composed ourselves in time for the arrival of my daughter.

    Hey, I know it wasn't text book, but I got the job done baby.
    "Booing on opening day is like telling grandma her house smells like old lady."--WOY

  5. #4
    Future Reds All Star TeamMorris's Avatar
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    Re: Funny birth stories

    My boss told me once she still cracks up thinking about my last day at work...

    I worked as a waitress right up to the day TG was born...wasn't planned that way. I had him a month early.

    My very last day at work before I was to go on maternity leave, 2 hours before my shift ended and right before we were to host a HUGE business lunch...my water broke (12 noon). Told my boss who kept me calm and had me call my doctor, who told me I had lots of time and to go home, pack a bag and meet her at the hospital. So I clock out, fill a few people in on what is going on, grab my stuff and start to head out the door. My boss just stood there with this blank look on her face staring at me. Finally she said..."and just how do you plan to get home and then the hospital?". I just looked at her and said "the bus home and cab to the hospital?" Still staring at me in disbelief she started laughing and said "I don't think so!" She ended up giving me a ride both places shaking her head the whole time telling me I was a little bit to independent for my own good sometimes !

    Needless to say, everything went fine and TG was born a healthy 5# 4oz at 1:35 am on September 2, 2000 to the theme of Sports center playing on the TV .


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