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Thread: Flight Attendants who should be writing for David Letterman...

  1. #1
    Joe Oliver love-child Blimpie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005

    Flight Attendants who should be writing for David Letterman...

    I think I may have been on board for one or two of these flights...

    All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
    "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
    some real examples that have been heard or reported:

    1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit
    where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

    2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
    crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
    altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
    comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

    3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of
    your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure
    it's something we'd like to have.

    4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
    ways out of this airplane"

    5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

    6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

    7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
    Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
    take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
    landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

    8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
    into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
    belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

    9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
    descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
    over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
    your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more
    than one small child, pick your favorite."

    10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
    clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you,
    and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

    11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event
    of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
    with our compliments."

    12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
    belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
    flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

    13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines
    is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
    Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

    14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
    Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
    "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to
    tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
    wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

    15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
    on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
    the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

    16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
    landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
    bounces us to the terminal."

    17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
    hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
    Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
    airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
    looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little
    old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

    18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came
    on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
    against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
    through the wreckage to the terminal."

    19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
    thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
    the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
    tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

    20. ! Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if
    you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

    21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
    comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
    Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
    Last edited by Blimpie; 11-23-2005 at 03:04 PM.
    "Booing on opening day is like telling grandma her house smells like old lady."--WOY

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  3. #2
    smells of rich mahogany deltachi8's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Houston, TX

    Re: Flight Attendants who should be writing for David Letterman...

    On a Southwest flight to Orlando I was on last year, upon arival in Orlando, the flight attendand said:

    "As you know there were many children on the plane today making thier first flight, I think they did great and deserve a round of applause. Also, there was a 93 year old blind gentleman making his first flight today, so on your way out say congratulations to our captain."
    Nothing to see here. Please disperse.

  4. #3
    This one's for you Edd Heath's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Dayton Area

    Re: Flight Attendants who should be writing for David Letterman...

    I have a sneaking suspiscion that Southwest Airlines is like having a meal at Dick's Last Resort in North Myrtle Beach, SC.....
    Some people play baseball. Baseball plays Jay Bruce.

  5. #4
    Member dman's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Grove City, Ohio

    Re: Flight Attendants who should be writing for David Letterman...

    Chatauqua (Delta Express) from Port Columbus to Orlando, 9/23/03, our pilot bounced us a couple of times upon touchdown, after finally getting the thrust reversers out, he responded "ladies and gentlemen, those were three of the best landings I've ever made, but I think I'll only log the last one."

  6. #5
    Smells Like Teen Spirit jmcclain19's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2004

    Re: Flight Attendants who should be writing for David Letterman...

    I take quite a few flights from Phoenix to San Fran on Southwest and I've heard the No. 8 & No. 9 lines quite a few times - seems the regular crew on that flight thinks they are a bunch of cut ups. Always gets a reaction from the people on the flight though.

  7. #6
    Future Reds All Star TeamMorris's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    TeamBoone's basement

    Re: Flight Attendants who should be writing for David Letterman...

    Last one cracked me up

  8. #7
    Resident optimist OldRightHander's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    east of WOY

    Re: Flight Attendants who should be writing for David Letterman...

    I flew El Al into Israel a few years ago and heard the following in heavily accented English.

    "Ladies and gentlemen, those sitting on the left side of the plane can see a nice view of the coast. If you're sitting on the right side of the plane, you're out of luck."

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