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Thread: The Reds Report

  1. #1
    You know his story Redsland's Avatar
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    The Reds Report

    The Reds Report
    By Redsland, for Redsland

    Aurilia Deadline Looms
    Vet wants assurances of playing time, clarification of role, and two or three other job offers would be nice.
    Dan O’Brien strokes cat, cackles with delight for “fooling” other GMs into ignoring old, slow malcontent.
    Crafty O’Brien has back-up plan as Austin Kearns begins taking grounders at second.

    New Owners on Horizon
    Castellini group disinclined to fire O’Brien and pay him to do nothing; though upon reflection, that was going to happen either way.
    Produce magnates agree MLB’s “gag order” has unfortunate name.
    New “managing partners” negotiate 75% of team; other 25% specifically includes Milton, Gapper.
    Purchase reveals team has $160 million equity, prompting numerous calls from Ditech.

    Cubs for Opening Day
    Reds face elite pitching staff at good time as Dusty Baker’s spring workload expected to take toll.
    Cincy economy to grind to a halt as all 2.5 million local Reds, Cubs fans call in “sick.”
    Adam Dunn’s Christmas present to be ready; still tied tightly shut, ball in pocket, stuck between mattresses.

    Redsfest to Return
    Pokey Reese “a maybe.”
    Huge expansion permits all of the people who helped Dan O’Brien get his job appear under one roof.
    New interactive exhibits include “The Business of Baseball” from Office Max, Verizon Wireless’ “Talks in Various Stages,” and for the kids from Maglite, “Exploring Every Avenue.”

    Reds on the Move
    “Ramon Ortiz can help us,” Jim Bowden’s lips say.
    After press conference in Casey’s Pittsburgh, Joe Randa proactively buys every copy of “Beer for my Horses,” takes them to Dumpster.
    Bret Boone signs with Mets after clarifying whether Anna Benson’s "threat" is still valid.

    Reds Notes
    O’Brien Christmas shopping “entering final stages.”
    Jason LaRue anointed leader, refuses to wash anointing oil off forehead.
    As 2006 enters second week, “top priority” Adam Dunn “not waiting by phone.”
    Season's new uniform patch to commemorate historic front office turnover.
    2006 weekend games to mercifully end an hour earlier.

    Makes all the routine posts.

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  3. #2
    Hey Cubs Fans RFS62's Avatar
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    Re: The Reds Report

    All the news that's fit to print.

    "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
    ~ Mark Twain

  4. #3
    Dunnilicious creek14's Avatar
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    Re: The Reds Report

    Man Redsland, if I was half as clever as you, I'd be, um, well half as clever as you.

    Great stuff.
    Will trade this space for a #1 starter.

  5. #4
    Duranie Ho, Ho, Ho! KittyDuran's Avatar
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    Re: The Reds Report

    Pokey Reese “a maybe.”
    After press conference in Casey’s Pittsburgh, Joe Randa proactively buys every copy of “Beer for my Horses,” takes them to Dumpster.
    Bret Boone signs with Mets after clarifying whether Anna Benson’s "threat" is still valid.
    Great stuff!!!
    2014 Reds record when I'm attending: 23-18 - FINAL
    2014 Dragons record when I'm attending: 2-1 - FINAL
    "We want to be the band to dance to when the bomb drops." - Simon Le Bon of Duran Duran

  6. #5
    The Lineups stink. KronoRed's Avatar
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    Re: The Reds Report

    Well done as always
    Go Gators!

  7. #6
    Posting in Dynarama M2's Avatar
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    Re: The Reds Report

    Quote Originally Posted by Redsland
    New interactive exhibits include “The Business of Baseball” from Office Max, Verizon Wireless’ “Talks in Various Stages,” and for the kids from Maglite, “Exploring Every Avenue.”
    Pure genius.
    Baseball isn't a magic trick ... it doesn't get spoiled if you figure out how it works. - gonelong

    I'm witchcrafting everybody.

  8. #7
    Member Jpup's Avatar
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    Re: The Reds Report



    great stuff man.
    "My mission is to be the ray of hope, the guy who stands out there on that beautiful field and owns up to his mistakes and lets people know it's never completely hopeless, no matter how bad it seems at the time. I have a platform and a message, and now I go to bed at night, sober and happy, praying I can be a good messenger." -Josh Hamilton

  9. #8
    Rally Onion! Chip R's Avatar
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    Re: The Reds Report

    I don't know how you keep coming up with this stuff but keep it up.
    The Rally Onion wants 150 fans before Opening Day.

    http://www.facebook.com/pages/Rally-...24872650873160

  10. #9
    Unsolicited Opinions traderumor's Avatar
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    Re: The Reds Report

    Quote Originally Posted by Chip R
    I don't know how you keep coming up with this stuff but keep it up.
    The same way the Bengals provided monologue material for years. Incompetence is funny stuff.
    Can't win with 'em

    Can't win without 'em


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