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Thread: The Reds Report

  1. #1
    You know his story Redsland's Avatar
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    The Reds Report

    The Reds Report
    By Redsland, for Redsland

    New Ownership on Horizon
    O’Brien cautions excited fans not to expect Castellini’s press conference to mention John VanderWal.
    After approval by MLB, owners, Castellini faces final hurdle: Senate Judiciary Committee.
    Office Max reports run on big garbage cans, empty binders.

    Lindner Legacy
    Young and old gush over era of “fiscal responsibility” after Schott-era world title, pennant races.
    Pace, goals helped revive fan interest in basketball.
    New Latin American academies reopened pipeline of young, talented players, fruit-picking washouts.

    Grant Balfour Acquired
    Flush with success, Dan O’Brien again dips into the well of former Twins pitchers.
    O’Brien calls Balfour a “calculated risk”; specifically the estimated risk assessment (ERA) is calculated at 4.63.
    Pitcher expected to tear up league, in addition to labrum, rotator cuff, elbow.
    Oft-injured Hancock released after unsuccessful “Tammy John” groin replacement surgery.

    Player Contracts
    Aaron Harang signs $2.35 million contract; incentives kick in after 15 consecutive starts without allowing facial hair.
    Austin Kearns’ $1.85 million deal gets his finances in shape, at least.
    Wily Mo Pena snags contract worth $1.25 million; insider says “We kept tossing offers out there until he finally caught one.”
    “Co-catcher” Javier Valentin signs for $8 million less than “team leader” he “doesn’t platoon with.”
    Felipe Lopez’s arbitration figure sails high, Reds say.

    Adam Dunn’s Status
    Reds, Dunn exchange numbers, eye-roll smilies.
    Slugger agrees to sign long-term deal; won’t say where.
    Worried fans say Reds need to do a better job of manufacturing contracts.
    Dunn spurns World Baseball Classic, leaving U.S. team with only 600 other candidates for worthless exhibition.

    Reds Notes
    Narron: Off-season job as girls basketball coach helps me pay the bills, deal with preening diva Rich Aurilia.
    Winter Caravan hits road, guardrail; Freel, Nelson questioned.
    Caravan to include O’Brien, Narron successors.
    Narron states no one will “inherit” position while inking Griffey in center, Aurilia at third.

    Around the League
    To appeal to America’s youth and be legally compliant, baseball cards now to be made without stats on back, picture on front, name, number, or team logo. Also, gum returns.
    Near end of contract, Dusty Baker states “I don't want to move;” starting pitchers nod knowingly.
    New Oprah-approved memoir reveals Jim Bowden really wanted Goofy, has great eye for pitchers, and Tony Perez quit.
    Danny Graves returns to Vietnam to spread word of baseball, get sex change.

    Makes all the routine posts.

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  3. #2
    RZ Chamber of Commerce Unassisted's Avatar
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    Re: The Reds Report

    Great stuff.

  4. #3
    The Lineups stink. KronoRed's Avatar
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    Re: The Reds Report

    Go Gators!

  5. #4
    Stat Wanker Hodiernus RedsManRick's Avatar
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    Re: The Reds Report

    Best yet -- great stuff Redsland.

  6. #5
    Member
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    Re: The Reds Report

    That was the best one I have read. Good stuff

  7. #6
    Waiting for a tour/album KittyDuran's Avatar
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    Re: The Reds Report

    Best part...
    Player Contracts
    Aaron Harang signs $2.35 million contract; incentives kick in after 15 consecutive starts without allowing facial hair.
    Austin Kearns’ $1.85 million deal gets his finances in shape, at least.
    Wily Mo Pena snags contract worth $1.25 million; insider says “We kept tossing offers out there until he finally caught one.”
    “Co-catcher” Javier Valentin signs for $8 million less than “team leader” he “doesn’t platoon with.”
    Felipe Lopez’s arbitration figure sails high, Reds say.
    2014 Reds record when I'm attending: 15-12
    2014 Dragons record when I'm attending: 2-1
    "We want to be the band to dance to when the bomb drops." - Simon Le Bon of Duran Duran

  8. #7
    He has the Evil Eye! flyer85's Avatar
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    Re: The Reds Report

    :notworthy
    What are you, people? On dope? - Mr Hand

  9. #8
    Haunted by walks
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    Re: The Reds Report

    Quote Originally Posted by Redsland
    New Oprah-approved memoir reveals Jim Bowden really wanted Goofy, has great eye for pitchers, and Tony Perez quit.
    My memory's a little hazy about the details, but according to my brutally honest new memoir, I pitched a shutout in the one-game playoff in 1999.


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