The Reds Report
By Redsland, for Redsland
New Ownership on Horizon
O’Brien cautions excited fans not to expect Castellini’s press conference to mention John VanderWal.
After approval by MLB, owners, Castellini faces final hurdle: Senate Judiciary Committee.
Office Max reports run on big garbage cans, empty binders.
Young and old gush over era of “fiscal responsibility” after Schott-era world title, pennant races.
Pace, goals helped revive fan interest in basketball.
New Latin American academies reopened pipeline of young, talented players, fruit-picking washouts.
Grant Balfour Acquired
Flush with success, Dan O’Brien again dips into the well of former Twins pitchers.
O’Brien calls Balfour a “calculated risk”; specifically the estimated risk assessment (ERA) is calculated at 4.63.
Pitcher expected to tear up league, in addition to labrum, rotator cuff, elbow.
Oft-injured Hancock released after unsuccessful “Tammy John” groin replacement surgery.
Aaron Harang signs $2.35 million contract; incentives kick in after 15 consecutive starts without allowing facial hair.
Austin Kearns’ $1.85 million deal gets his finances in shape, at least.
Wily Mo Pena snags contract worth $1.25 million; insider says “We kept tossing offers out there until he finally caught one.”
“Co-catcher” Javier Valentin signs for $8 million less than “team leader” he “doesn’t platoon with.”
Felipe Lopez’s arbitration figure sails high, Reds say.
Adam Dunn’s Status
Reds, Dunn exchange numbers, eye-roll smilies.
Slugger agrees to sign long-term deal; won’t say where.
Worried fans say Reds need to do a better job of manufacturing contracts.
Dunn spurns World Baseball Classic, leaving U.S. team with only 600 other candidates for worthless exhibition.
Narron: Off-season job as girls basketball coach helps me pay the bills, deal with preening diva Rich Aurilia.
Winter Caravan hits road, guardrail; Freel, Nelson questioned.
Caravan to include O’Brien, Narron successors.
Narron states no one will “inherit” position while inking Griffey in center, Aurilia at third.
Around the League
To appeal to America’s youth and be legally compliant, baseball cards now to be made without stats on back, picture on front, name, number, or team logo. Also, gum returns.
Near end of contract, Dusty Baker states “I don't want to move;” starting pitchers nod knowingly.
New Oprah-approved memoir reveals Jim Bowden really wanted Goofy, has great eye for pitchers, and Tony Perez quit.
Danny Graves returns to Vietnam to spread word of baseball, get sex change.