The Reds Report
By Redsland, for Redsland
Krivsky Named GM
Previous interviews helped immensely; gave valuable insight into Reds tradition, facial hair policy.
GM, wife have four dogs at home, “eight or so” on roster.
Factors cited in Krivsky/Beattie tie-breaker: strong work ethic, track record of trading Eric Milton.
Failed GM Candidates Out
Special Ass. Jim Beattie, hired to examine pitching, reads own final report, slinks out back door.
Rick White signing not enough to save Kullman’s job, co-candidate’s report opines.
Post-Kullman front office scrambles to replace printer cartridge.
Naehring “Not” Demoted
Out on new boss’s first day for major dental work, Tim Naehring suffers kick in the teeth, now Minor League Field Coordinator.
Upon news, GM says former Director of Player Development was “all smiles…literally salivating;” nurses quickly slow Novocain, codeine drips.
Johnny Almaraz new Director of Player Development, revamps minors with innovative “take two strikes” edict.
Dayton Daily News: Beattie Defeats Krivsky
Legally blind Hal McCoy insists two well-placed sources pointed toward grayish blob that sure looked like Beattie.
Patience, understanding urged by GM candidate Jack McKeon, HoF’er Steve Garvey.
McCoy to leave DDN, become Reds beat writer for New York Times.
In radical departure from predecessor, new GM’s first FA acquisition a veteran lefty backup/pinch hitter.
Incumbent lefty bat Jacob Cruz invites Hatteberg quail hunting.
Will wear number 21 made famous by ousted team favorite Skeeter Barnes.
Joe Morgan to dine with team at spring training, expected to ask players to do better job of advancing the butter.
Visa status prevents Timo Perez from participating in games; Reds suggest INS take hard look at Milton, Wilson.
Luke Hudson designated in favor of ugly duckling Mike Gosling.
Minor leagues ranked 29th; shocking blow to those who thought there’s nowhere to go but up.
Around the League
Yankee Ron Villone off Italy’s WBC team after revelation he lives nowhere near Little Italy.
Brandon Larsen goes to Hollywood; Paula Abdul moved to tears by rendition of Mr. Mister’s “Broken Wings.” Less impressed, Simon suggests another line of work, offers to get Brandon’s old job back.
Brady Clark gets $7 million deal, providing hope of success to cornrowed white people everywhere.