EVIL MOLE PEOPLE FOUND IN WYOMING (Laramie, Wyoming)
Mutant creatures are fast. They've got long, sharp claws. Their tunnels are littered with books on making nuclear bombs . . . and they HATE AMERICANS!
University of Wyoming geologists claim to have found a race of super- intelligent "mole people" living in caves, holes, lairs and tunnels under the Bighorn Mountains. But unlike their finger-sized animal cousins, the mutant creatures stand 6 feet tall, walk upright on two legs and seem to be at least part human.
Not only that, say the experts, they're extremely dangerous, too.
Because not only do they speak and read English with surprising fluency, but their lairs are littered with books and manuals on waging biological warfare and making crude nuclear weapons -- and they hate Americans.
"The war on terror just got tougher," says a senior source at the Office of Homeland Security in Washington.
"Having Al Qaeda and Islamic Jihad running around trying to cause havoc was bad enough. But now we're looking at a domestic threat that would seem to be at least as dangerous.
"And if they're reading those books on biological agents and nukes for more than entertainment, the threat could be far worse."
The discovery of the hateful creatures late last summer is only now coming to light after documents describing the mole people, their habitat and their surprising intelligence are finally being leaked to the press.
According to an FBI assessment based on extensive interviews with the experts who found the "mole culture," the civilization appears to be quite evolved and may have been established hundreds or even thousands of years ago after a cataclysmic mutation of humans, moles or both. The first evidence to suggest something wasn't quite right in the Bighorn range just south of Sheridan in north-central Wyoming, was, in the words of the FBI report, "pretty damn scary." The document states that the university geologists -- whose names were censored in leaked documents -- "came face-to-face with two furry gray 'mole men' that burrowed up out of the ground and confronted them in what they termed an ambush."
The creatures reportedly cursed them in English and mumbled something that sounded like "another 9/11" and "we'll fix Rumsfeld" before one of them lashed out with long, sharp claws, opening a substantial wound on a professor's stomach.
"The mole men fled into a nearby hole that turned out to be part of an elaborate configuration of tunnels, burrows and lairs, all of which connect to a network of caves that lead deeper into the earth, perhaps to a vast open 'theater' where the mole people actually live," says an FBI source.
"The tunnel and cave network appears to be of one use only -- getting the mole people to the surface unseen, and also giving them a ready means of escape." One of the more chilling discoveries associated with the strange creatures, says the FBI source, was a well-worn and dog-eared manual that explains how to convert simple weapons like shotguns into terror-ready grenade launchers.
Even more frightening were several books that tell amateurs how to manufacture suitcase-sized "dirty" nuclear bombs with a few sticks of dynamite and radioactive waste stolen from power plants or dumps.
Oddly enough, mole people, like moles themselves, appear to suffer from acute near-sightedness. But the FBI source says the creatures compensate with thick spectacles and oversized magnifying glasses, both of which were found hanging from pegs in the tunnels, ready for use.