By NICK JEFFREYS
PYONGYANG, North Korea -- North Korean tyrant Kim Jong Il will do anything -- even promise to destroy his beloved nukes -- to perform on hit American TV show American Idol, say insiders.
"Mr. Il has always been convinced he has the finest singing voice in the world," says a source close to the deranged dictator, who is notorious for ruthlessly running his country as a Stalinist police state.
"He makes no secret of it, either. He drives us nuts with Elvis imitations and show-tunes. Oh, God in Heaven, it's enough to make you want to stab yourself. Of course we tell him his singing is incredible. The last man stupid enough to tell him he was off key was deported to South Korea. By air. Without a parachute."
Kim Jong Il is sure that American Idol producers will let him on the show if he promises to destroy his weapons of mass destruction.
Explains the source, "Mr. Il says: 'Americans are so very naive. They will believe anything.' "
Kim Jong plans to perform his favorite tune as a tribute to himself -- "I'm So Pretty" from West Side Story.
"Mr. Il believes even that snooty British guy Simon will be so moved he'll weep after his emotional rendition, which he'll accompany with graceful dance moves.
"He thinks he'll win by a landslide. Of course, all North Korean citizens will be expected to call in and vote for him or they'll be introduced to the sport of chuteless sky-diving."