Turn Off Ads?
Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Health Question & Answer Session

  1. #1
    THAT'S A FACT JACK!! GAC's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2001
    Location
    Bellefontaine, Ohio
    Posts
    26,668

    Health Question & Answer Session

    HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

    A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

    A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

    A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

    A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

    And remember:

    "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"
    "panic" only comes from having real expectations

  2. Turn Off Ads?
  3. #2
    THAT'S A FACT JACK!! GAC's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2001
    Location
    Bellefontaine, Ohio
    Posts
    26,668

    Re: Health Question & Answer Session

    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
    mechanics correct the problems,document their repairs on the form, and
    then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it
    be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
    maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)
    and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

    By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
    accident.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're for.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    P: ! Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    And the best one for last..................

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
    pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget
    "panic" only comes from having real expectations

  4. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    109

    Re: Health Question & Answer Session




    Nice start to my morning! I've seen the first one before but had forgotten about it.
    "When the Russians conquer America, they will recruit concentration camp guards from among Cardinals fans."

  5. #4
    This one's for you Edd Heath's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Dayton Area
    Posts
    8,471

    Re: Health Question & Answer Session

    I read this too fast - I thought this was a Heath question & answer session.

    Some people play baseball. Baseball plays Jay Bruce.

  6. #5
    The Lineups stink. KronoRed's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    West N. Carolina
    Posts
    55,644

    Re: Health Question & Answer Session

    Go Gators!


Turn Off Ads?

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Board Moderators may, at their discretion and judgment, delete and/or edit any messages that violate any of the following guidelines: 1. Explicit references to alleged illegal or unlawful acts. 2. Graphic sexual descriptions. 3. Racial or ethnic slurs. 4. Use of edgy language (including masked profanity). 5. Direct personal attacks, flames, fights, trolling, baiting, name-calling, general nuisance, excessive player criticism or anything along those lines. 6. Posting spam. 7. Each person may have only one user account. It is fine to be critical here - that's what this board is for. But let's not beat a subject or a player to death, please.

Thank you, and most importantly, enjoy yourselves!


RedsZone.com is a privately owned website and is not affiliated with the Cincinnati Reds or Major League Baseball


Contact us: Boss | GIK | BCubb2003 | dabvu2498 | Gallen5862 | LexRedsFan | Plus Plus | RedlegJake | redsfan1995 | The Operator | Tommyjohn25