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Thread: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

  1. #1
    Maple SERP savafan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2000
    Cincinnati, Ohio

    The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    Hey, I'm not on this list!


    Who would Scarlett least like to be with?
    4/18/2006 6:34:51 PM

    UNSEXIEST: Gottfried may have been the best at telling the ''Aristocrats'' joke, but we don't want to sleep with him.Welcome to the first installment of ThePhoenix.com's 100 Unsexiest Men in the World. After pouring through thousands of photographs, millions of frames of movies and TV shows, the staff at thephoenix.com has compiled a list of the least sexy males on the planet.

    1. Gilbert Gottfried: Rumor has it that Gilbert is the heir apparent to Uncle Milty when it comes to what he's packing, but that still can't save him. The parrot-voiced, pickled-face comic is to sexy what Kryptonite is to Superman.

    2. Randy Johnson: If he couldn't throw a ball 100 miles per hour, Johnson would be wearing a wife beater and getting hauled into a squad car on Cops. Could you imagine the nights when he pitched to Otis Nixon?

    3. Roger Ebert: Yes, he lost all that weight. Yes, you still wouldn't (expletive deleted) him.

    4. Dr. Phil: Being a know-it-all is never sexy. Being a know-it-all who is also a bald-headed prick is downright horrid.

    5. Alan Colmes: Not really fair, since he's got to sit next to brown shirt-stud Hannity each night. But Colmes - lazy eye, unkept hair, droopy features - has a face made for radio. Pirate radio. Garr!!

    6. Chad Kroeger: It's not just the massive head, weird face, and bad hair. It's also the fact that he's in Nickelback, the worst band since the dawn of music.

    7. Mike Mills: You'd want to talk music with the bassist from REM. Sleep with? Not unless you're trying to get to Pete Buck.

    8. Osama Bin Laden: Power is sexy (notice how Dick Cheney isn't on the list). But a 6'5", no-vertical-leap mass murdering ****** bag is not getting any style points.

    9. Jay Leno: "It would be like having sex with a banana, but not in a good way," was what one of our staffers remarked about the fruit-headed comic.

    10. Don Imus: "It would be like having sex with an old leather bag, but not in a good way," was what the same staffer remarked about the bag of skin and bones.

    11. Michael Jackson: What happens when an ugly JC Penny manequin has sex with Pogo, the clown identity of serial killer John Wayne Gacy.

    12. Wallace Shawn: Even if you're attracted to his rounded dome, how can anyone get past that nasally lisp?

    13. Mike D. of the Beastie Boys: We hate to do this. But the sickly looking Beastie "did it like this, did it like that, did it with a wiffle ball bat . . . because no one would want to get within three feet of him naked.

    14. Richard Simmons: Words don't do it justice.

    15. Jon Lovitz: Bald, annoying, unfunny, and hair in the all the wrong places. For all we know, he was running through the cast of League of Their Own. But we doubt it.

    16. Carrot Top: Sheer obnoxiousness necessitates his placement on this list.

    17. Jerry Seinfeld: This is for everyone who has ever yelled at the TV when Jerry brought home another model on Seinfeld.

    18. Malcolm Gladwell: The Tipping Point.

    19. Chevy Chase: He got unfunny with age. Then he got ugly.

    20. Raffi: Maybe it's his proffession. But no one surveyed, man or woman, could think of any situation in which they would bed down with him.

    21. Ron Howard: He was cute as Opie, passable as Richie, but now as Ron Howard, he's just plain weird-looking. Especially with a beard.

    22. Clint Howard: Ron's younger, balder, and weirder-looking brother. Yes, weirder looking than Ron Howard.

    23. Bill Gates: To quote Dana Carvey: "Gates apparently made a deal with the devil: 'You can have $60 billion, but you have to go through life looking like a turtle.'"

    24. Paul Shaffer: The bic'd look does not work for everyone, plus he makes all those crazy faces while he plays.

    25. Axl Rose: I mean . . . did you see the 2003 VMAs?

    26. Tim Burton: He's got the Robert Smith hair coupled with a mighty hunch. Yet he's dating Helena Bonham Carter.

    27. Edward James Olmos: Remember season one of South Park? When Kenny was a zombie, everyone assumed it was an Edward James Olmos costume. Wonder why.

    28. Gerard Way (from My Chemical Romance): Luckiest dude since Ringo. Or at the very least, since D12.

    29. Don Zimmer: The gerbil's got a massive, ivory-white noggin' that never did much thinking to begin with. Ask any Red Sox fan over 35.

    30. Tony Kornheiser: Yes, calling sportswriters unattractive is like shooting fish in a barrel. But come on, he looks like your uncle.

    31. Chris Kattan

    32. Otis Nixon

    33. Julian Tavarez

    34. Christopher Lloyd

    35. Willie McGee

    36. Pat Cummings

    37. Scottie Pippen

    38. Larry David

    39. Michael Moore

    40. Al Franken: Too arrogant

    41. Paris Latsis: Maybe not the worst-looking guy in the world, but, well, think about who was there first.

    42. Rush Limbaugh: No doubt he will claim his placement on this list as a result of a media bias and not the fact that he's just butt-ugly

    43. David Gest

    44. Garey Busey: Those teeth would give anyone nightmares.

    45. Nick Nolte: Busey's oddball partner in crime, but at least he had a career once.

    46. Leif Garrett

    47. Andy Dick: It's a trap!

    48. Scott Stapp

    49. Lyle Lovett

    50. Ric Ocasek: Yes, we know who his wife is. And no, we don't care.

    51. Bill Wyman

    52. Danny DeVito

    53. Peter Jackson

    54. Drew Carey

    55. Newt Gingrich

    56. Rob Schneider

    57. Ed O'Neil: We love ya, Ed, but sorry. There was a reason you never waited on any really hot girls at that shoe store.

    58. Bill O'Reilly

    59. Clay Aiken: This feels like a cheap shot, but even leaving aside the rumors about his personal life, he still looks like someone's bratty little brother.

    60. Joe Lieberman

    61. Jim Gaffigan: Pasty, goofy-looking comedians abound on this list.

    62. Bill Maher: . . . Especially ones with poodle hair.

    63. John Popper

    64. Dennis Miller

    65. John Madden: Those massive hands seem more frightening than anything. Boom!

    66. Robert Englund: Seriously, try lying in bed next to him without thinking about Freddy Krueger.

    67. Robert Patrick: Seriously, try lying in bed next to him without thinking about the T-1000

    68. John Ashcroft

    69. Joe Gannascolli

    70. Kevin James: His TV marriage to Leah Remini on King of Queens is less believable than anything on Lost.

    71. George Steinbrenner: Come on, we live in Boston, you knew it was coming.

    72. Grady Little: Come on, we live in Boston, you knew it was coming.

    73. Harvey Pekar

    74. DJ Qualls: What's he weigh, like, 70 pounds? How much of that is grease?

    75. Joey Buttafuoco

    76. Garry Shandling

    77. Meat Loaf Aday

    78. Joe Walsh

    79. Tom from Myspace: As a friend of mine said, "why does he have to be everyone's friend? Isn't that a little needy?" Not hot at all.

    80. Art Garfunkel

    81. Brian Posehn

    82. Howie Mandel

    83. Barry Bonds €“ If what his mistress told the authors of Game of Shadows is true, then no, you don't want any part of that

    84. Dick Vitale €“ Call it a hunch, but we have a feeling that sex with Dickie V. would be anything but "awesome, baby."

    85. Richie "La Bamba" Rosenberg

    86. Jeff Van Gundy

    87. Jimmy Johnson: It's the hair

    88. John Clayton: How is this ESPN's top football guy?

    89. Don Vito: I suppose we were never really supposed to know what Bam Margera's uncle looks like, but since we do, he has to be included.

    90. Lemmy Kilmister: Sadly, the ravages of time have not been kind to him.

    91. Hideki Matsui

    91. Jose Canseco: "Every time I have tried to help a woman, I've been incarcerated," he famously said on The Surreal Life. You old charmer, you.

    92. Bill Parcells: Especially when you see the photos of him in shorts at training camp

    93. Ric Flair: To be the man WOO! you got to . . . do something about those man boobs!

    94. Ralph Nader

    95. Dennis Kucinich: Something about those progressives.

    96. Horatio Sanz: Laughing at your own jokes is not sexy

    97. Dom DeLuise

    98. Emeril Lagasse

    99. Kevin Federline: Mooching hicks aren't so hot these days.

    100.Brad Pitt: He may look good, but if the rumors about his hygiene and BO issues are true, then he's probably not worth it.
    My dad got to enjoy 3 Reds World Championships by the time he was my age. So far, I've only gotten to enjoy one. Step it up Redlegs!

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  3. #2
    Potential Lunch Winner Dom Heffner's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Tampa, FL

    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    Hey, I'm not on this list!
    I am:

    104. Dom Heffner

  4. #3
    Rally Onion! Chip R's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2000
    Cincinnati, OH

    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    I cannot believe Julian Tavarez was that low.
    Quote Originally Posted by Raisor View Post
    I was wrong
    Quote Originally Posted by Raisor View Post
    Chip is right

  5. #4
    Please come again pedro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    portland, oregon

    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    I know for a fact that Mike Mills is quite the man about town in Athens, GA.
    Get your nunchucks and the keys to your dad's car. I know where we can get a gun

  6. #5
    Churlish Johnny Footstool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Olathe, KS

    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    Bill and Ryan are going to have their guy membership cards revoked if they insist on rating the attractiveness of other guys.
    "I prefer books and movies where the conflict isn't of the extreme cannibal apocalypse variety I guess." Redsfaithful

  7. #6
    Rally Onion! Chip R's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2000
    Cincinnati, OH

    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    Quote Originally Posted by Johnny Footstool
    Bill and Ryan are going to have their guy membership cards revoked if they insist on rating the attractiveness of other guys.
    I'm thinking they may already play for the other team.
    Quote Originally Posted by Raisor View Post
    I was wrong
    Quote Originally Posted by Raisor View Post
    Chip is right

  8. #7
    Joe Oliver love-child Blimpie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005

    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    43. David Gest
    How in blue blazes does this cat NOT make it into the Top 5?
    "Booing on opening day is like telling grandma her house smells like old lady."--WOY

  9. #8
    My clutch is broken RichRed's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Asheville, NC or thereabouts

    Re: The 100 unsexiest men in the world

    How much of a walking cess pool do you have to be to be considered less sexy than Bin Laden?

    And John Clayton is the spitting image of Mr. Mackey from South Park. Somebody savvier than me could probably post a "separated at birth?" photo comparison.
    "I can make all the stadiums rock."
    -Air Supply

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