RedsZone Guide to Game Threads
SECTION 3: Running Gags in the Game Thread
As you familiarize yourself with the Game Thread process, you’ll begin to note several things that do not make sense. For example, you might happen to see a post like the following:
You might then think to yourself: “Self, I don’t at all see what was so ‘Full of fighting spirit’ (thank you http://www.dictionary.com) about that flyout. It seemed pretty routine to me.” Ahh yes, my friend, you’ve fallen victim to yet another RedsZone Running Gag. In order to help you not waste valuable time googling in the future, the Game Thread Guide presents an incomplete list of the RedsZone Running Gags:That Ryan Freel sure is scrappy. What a scrappy flyout that was.
- Ryan Freel is scrappy (he just is – deal with it)
- Ryan Freel doesn’t play enough (even 162 starts would be too few for this scrappster)
- Ryan Freel is too valuable to do anything (in fact, to protect his value, he should just sit at home and watch reruns of MASH)
- Chris Denorfia would’ve caught any fly ball hit to the outfield (he’s just that damn good – or “just that good” for all George Grande fans)
- Adam Dunn needs to make more contact (a 500 post thread saying so can’t possibly be wrong. Everything that goes wrong in the Reds lineup is due to Adam Dunn not making enough contact. Again, just deal with it)
- All free agent signings are to be “Loathed” (the money could’ve been better spent, the oldster is holding down a kid, and he kills babies on the weekends)
- Tony Womack hates On Base Percentage, even when he gets a base hit or walks (he tacks a copy of Baseball Prospectus to his dartboard before the season starts)
- Player’s don’t ground into double plays, players ground into Casey plays (because even the best mayor still can’t resist a 2 for 1 special)
- Player’s don’t hit home runs, they hit a Milton (and when they hit, they hit him hard)
- No batting order is ever correct.
- Any problem on the RedsZone website is caused by a group of 10 mysterious individuals who would prefer to be only known as “The 10” (because apparently, they’re all big Johnny Rivers fans)
- The offense is the cause for all of the Reds problems – if they lose 10-7, it’s because Austin Kearns didn’t drive in his 6th RBI of the night in a timely fashion
- There is a vast conspiracy to send every good player on the Reds 25 man roster to Louisville (by Greyhound, usually)
- Reds.com is the anti RedsZone – anything that makes RedsZoners happy makes Reds.com fans bang their heads into spikes (think Superman “Bizarro World” with a lot less Kryptonite)
- At no point in the game thread is there ever anything resembling rational coverage of the game. It’s all a big trick to boost Krono’s post count.
Thank you for your attention, and look forward to future “Guides to the Game Thread” in future Game Threads!