Performance Enhancers Not Just For Players
June 9, 2006
The Feds are not stopping with Jason Grimsley. In the wake of the recent scandal involving the Arizona pitcher, federal officials have stepped up investigations into performance enhancers in baseball, but are not just looking at players.
"Performancing enhancing drugs are a problem across the board in baseball. We will root out the problem in all areas of the game, on and off the field.", said an anonymous federal agent.
One area that has recently caught the attention of investigators is the myriad of baseball related web sites such as Sons of Sam Horn and Redszone. Such sites exist for most teams in baseball and are popular places for fans to discuss the games. "If you are involved in baseball, you must be clean.", said another agent.
After an extensive investigation, agents showed up with a warrant and searched the home of KronoRed, a member of a site devoted to fans of the Cincinnati Reds. The large number of posts attributed to KronoRed drew the suspicion of investigators and lead to the warrant. Agents discovered three desktop computers, four laptops, and 264 spare keyboards. When asked about the keyboards, KronoRed simply replied, "I wear them out pretty fast, so I have to have enough spares on hand." The computers and keyboards were all tested and found to be clean, but 365 gallons of apple juice were found and confiscated. A federal agent commented, "We have to test the juice for any substances that could enhance typing performance or help someone sit at a computer for long periods at a time without sleep. It just doesn't seem possible that someone could make that many posts without the aid of an illegal substance."
KronoRed was irate. "That was a year's supply of perfectly legal apple juice that they took from my house. I don't see how it could be a performance enhancer. With as much as I drink, the bathroom breaks take away from time I could be posting on Redszone."
In spite of the pending charges, KronoRed maintains his innocence and will not ask for his release from Redszone. "Krono is a valuable part of our community. He might post a lot, but he's clean", said an administrator of the web site.
"I just love baseball and I like to talk about it. I just have more to say than most fans. I am sure that nothing abnormal will be found in the juice that was taken from my house.", said KronoRed.
KronoRed was last seen in the juice aisle at Kroger. The results of the investigation have not yet been released. It is unknown if any other internet posters are being investigated.