There just aren't nearly enough good wives.
What are you, people? On dope? - Mr Hand
That article reminds me of the time I was listening to Bruce Williams on the radio one night when the discussion was whether or not to purchase extended warranties:
Caller: "Hello, Bruce--I just got a new dishwasher..."
Bruce: "Really? What's her name?"
"Booing on opening day is like telling grandma her house smells like old lady."--WOY
Bullet #3 says... "Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a little lift and one of your duties is to provide it."
Ummmm... only in the adult films, fellas... only in the adult films.
Small market fan... always hoping, but never expecting.
Betty Friedan took care of that nonsense.
I've got a leather couch in my house.
It's very comfortable.
Some people play baseball. Baseball plays Jay Bruce.
And that is why we must fight the Taliban.
"A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it."
Ahh...the good old days.
Reds Fan Since 1971
One of my favorite articles.
Well, funny someone brought this up - My wife is a "domestic engineer" and she got this email from someone today about the "Good Husbands Guide" based off the "Good Wives Guide". I put it in small print and it is a little lengthy. It was written by a lady none the less. It is funny to say the least...
I admit that when I first read this list I laughed. It is so hopelessly out of date now that I can hardly imagine any modern woman taking it seriously. I found it hard to believe that any person would seriously abdicate their right to question the actions of their spouse, or that any person would sincerely believe that their thoughts and concerns are of minimal importance next to those of their partner, but I know that situations like this were not at all uncommon in the 1950's. I'm sure that scores of earnest young housewives took this advice to heart back in 1955, never imagining that their daughters would grow up to laugh at it with so much disbelief. Women were each other's harshest critics back then, just as they are today, and it was common for the female-written magazines to preach obedience and servitude, orgasmic rapture over kitchen appliances, beauty, poise and above all silence, in the wide-eyed young readers who looked to them for advice.
But after reading it again, and after noting that whoever had sent this email had also taken the trouble to circle the last item - about knowing a wife's place - in red marker, I realized that this item was not intended to make me laugh. Neither was it intended to illustrate how much our society - men and women - has changed since that confusing decade after the second world war, a time when women thought it best to return to the only kind of femininity they knew after having done of the work of men in wartime factories. The article was intended to encourage in me an outraged gasp of shock, an indignant yelp of estrogen-based anger, a condemnation of men everywhere and a heartfelt wail of sorrow for all my lost sisters, doomed to a high-heeled life of slavery to the Frigidaire. I had been duped, like most people had, into reading more propaganda about how lousy it is to be a woman and what self-centred, socially and economically privileged pompous asses men have always been.
It's a lucrative business, this making men out to be the cause of all our woe. No one knows exactly how much public funding radical women's groups get, but it climbs easily into the multi-millions per year. A great many women owe their livelihood to the fact that male-bashing is not only condoned, it's fashionable and moral and considered turn about for all the centuries of "abuse" women have supposedly suffered; a great many paycheques and grants and bursaries would dry up completely if men weren't such an easy target, a ready-made devil figure to justify these expenditures and all that ink. One way to make sure that no one ever forgets that men are evil bastards - not even for a second, not even in a era when the society they live in no longer hinders women in any way - is to send little emails around and to put up little posters in university hallways and the like. If they have to go back fifty years to find a suitable example, so be it. Anything rather than presenting a more balanced and more accurate accounting of relations between the sexes.
How many feminists, for example, send out emails reminding us that in 1955, the average work week included Saturday and required 10-12 hour days, or that the financial burden of providing for home and family on one salary, without even the possibility of financial contribution from their spouse, placed men of that generation under enormous pressure? Besides which, how many feminists remind their faithful that in 1955, there was nothing to stop women from holding down jobs of their own and foregoing marriage altogether if they chose, or having a career while being a wife and mother too? Barbara Billingsly, the quintessential fifties super-mom-in-pearls whom most feminists see as an icon of repression and a prime example of everything that's wrong with domesticity, was herself a working mother, an actress with a full time job and a family at the same time.
We never hear about these things, of course, because it goes against the political agenda of those who would profit from painting women as long suffering and men as the agents of our grief. Neither do we ever hear about the opposite side of the issue, about the demands and expectations we place - and have always placed - on men.
So I came up with my own list, something that could have appeared in Housekeeping Monthly or some such similar advice magazine for men. It would have been based on the same premise that the Good Wife's Guide is built on - that the husband works at a job to provide for his family while his wife stays home to raise the kids and run the household. It would have been called "The Good Husband's Guide", and it would have gone something like this:
* Always make getting and keeping a full-time job with regular raises, benefits, bonuses and the potential for prestigious advancement your number one priority in life. Remember always that you have a wife and children who need your financial support, and that it is your responsibility to provide for them to the best of your ability.
* Always arrive home refreshed and happy - put your bad day or your confrontation with your boss, the traffic, the crowds or the physical exhaustion you might feel aside and try to arrive home as cheery and lighthearted as you possibly can. Your wife has been struggling with the children and the housework all day, she does not need to hear about how bad your day was.
* Be prepared to help with household chores when you get home - let your wife relax or talk on the phone since she has been dealing with these problems all day. Make supper for her often, and offer to clean up afterwards so that she may rest and feel appreciated.
* Do not bore your wife with stories of the troubles you faced at work today. Remember that you are lucky to have a job and that many other men would be happy to trade places with you. Remember that it is not masculine to complain or let worries trouble you. Your job is to provide, and whatever you must go through to achieve this is part of your lot in life. A good husband knows that he is lucky to have a wife at all, and that a woman wants a strong, silent man she can depend on.
* Never expect your wife to have contributed to the smooth operation of the household. She has had a busy day and cannot be expected to provide meals or clean clothes for you. Never insult her by asking her to do such things while you're out earning money. Be mindful always that your wife may think you are being sexist if you ask her to help make a home for your family as part of your partnership.
* Be prepared to account for your whereabouts every minute of the day, including an explanation as to why you were away from the phone when she tried to call or why you were unable to chat with her for twenty minutes when she did get through to you. You must always put her interests first, and be mindful of her natural suspicion about her husband's activities. A good husband knows that men can't be trusted, and that a wife has every reason to believe you will hurt and humiliate her.
* Do not grumble or gripe about handing over your paycheque to her - she is in control of your finances and knows better than you how to spend or invest your money. Never assume that the money you earn is yours to do with as you will - you have a family to think about now, and their needs must always come before your own.
* Listen avidly to your wife's complaints. She leads a hectic life and needs to feel listened to and appreciated. Never suggest ways in which she might solve whatever problem is vexing her. You need only listen; your suggestions are likely insensitive and unfeeling anyway. And do not counter with complaints of your own. She would love to have the chance to leave the house and work, she does not need to hear about how difficult your job is.
* Be prepared to give up your weeknights or weekends to whatever projects or socializing your wife has in mind. If she has determined that cleaning out the garage or painting the upstairs bathroom would be the best use of your time, never complain that you would like to relax or pursue personal interests instead. She has every right to expect that you will make repairs to the house or help her redecorate during your time off. Do not be so selfish as to ask for personal time. You are a family man now, you do not have the luxury of personal time.
* Always be prepared to take over in caring for the children when you get home from work. Your wife has been busy all day and deserves some quiet time. Allow her to watch television or chat with her friends on the phone, go shopping or simply relax. They are your children too, and it is unfair of you to expect to come home from a twelve hour day and simply put your feet up.
There is one main difference between the Good Wife's Guide and the above. The first list is outdated and laughable in its attitudes towards women; the second list, however, could be printed today since every single sentiment expressed in it is practiced, believed and upheld by modern wives and by the culture at large.
Although the Good Husband's Guide is just as offensive, just as insulting, just as sexist, and just as accurate a picture of the plight of some modern husbands, it will never make the email rounds as a rallying cry for anything. No one so much as blinks at the way husbands are treated in this era, and never will as long as men are so thoroughly unappreciated and so completely abused, but proud enough, strong enough, and mature enough not to complain.
Some people play baseball. Baseball plays Jay Bruce.
"What's the point in having a cell phone if you never answer it?" That was said after a day in which I answered four calls and missed one when I was out of the van.* Be prepared to account for your whereabouts every minute of the day, including an explanation as to why you were away from the phone when she tried to call or why you were unable to chat with her for twenty minutes when she did get through to you.
The other day I took $20 out at an atm to pay some road tolls and buy some supper because I was going to be home really late. My wife called me not ten minutes after I pulled away from the atm to ask what I needed $20 for. The expectation is that I should consult her before I spend anything. Two days later she came home and told me, after the fact, that she had just spent $60 on her hair.* Do not grumble or gripe about handing over your paycheque to her - she is in control of your finances and knows better than you how to spend or invest your money. Never assume that the money you earn is yours to do with as you will - you have a family to think about now, and their needs must always come before your own.
Can I at least have a few minutes to dust off my golf clubs?* Be prepared to give up your weeknights or weekends to whatever projects or socializing your wife has in mind. If she has determined that cleaning out the garage or painting the upstairs bathroom would be the best use of your time, never complain that you would like to relax or pursue personal interests instead. She has every right to expect that you will make repairs to the house or help her redecorate during your time off. Do not be so selfish as to ask for personal time. You are a family man now, you do not have the luxury of personal time.
This stuff makes my head spin. That's exactly how I have felt whenever I've happened upon an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Semantics aside, I think some of these attitudes are still spot-on.
Someone would have to hit me in the head with a baseball bat to convince me to get married, I think. And then, of course, I wouldn't be a very entertaining spouse.
There is no such thing as a pitching prospect.