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Thread: Chiropracter uses time travel.

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2006

    Chiropracter uses time travel.


    Doctor Claims He Travels Back In Time To Heal
    State Health Officials Not Buying It

    POSTED: 9:14 am EDT September 29, 2006

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    COLUMBUS, Ohio -- An Ohio chiropractor who claimed to treat patients using time travel has surrendered his license to practice.

    State regulators had been investigating Dr. James Burda of Athens, who said he could take care of anyone, anywhere by reaching back in time to when the injury occurred.

    Burda said he discovered the skill six years ago when he hurt his own foot while driving. He said he gave the pain a command to stop and it went away.

    He said he doesn't use force to realign bones, but he uses his mind to manipulate the body. But if that doesn't work, he said he travels back in time to fix the problem. He calls the practice Bala-Keem. State medical officials call it malpractice.

    Burda's Web site offered long-distance healing service for $60 an hour.

    Burda said that his practice is beyond chiropractic, and is beyond what "they understand." He said that anything that's beyond what people don't understand scares them.

    The Ohio State Chiropractic Board accused him of being unable to practice due to mental illness. Now, in a written statement, Burda acknowledges his form of treatment was not acceptable.
    IMO, the people who believed him should be the ones we are more worried about. How does that conversation go?

    Doctor: How did you hurt yourself?

    Patient: I fell down some stairs.

    Doctor: And what was the date that this occured.

    Patient: Last Tuesday.

    Doctor: About what time did this happen?

    Patient: I don't know, about 11:30 am... Why?

    Doctor: Well, I'm going into that machine over there. I have to know what time to set it back to so I can go back and stop you from falling. I don't actually adjust your back or treat your injury. I stop it from happening.

    Patient: Wow, that makes sense. Why don't more Chiropracters do this.

    Doctor: Because they think time travel is something I make up to get your money.

    Patient: Well, it all makes sense now........ They're jealous!

    Doctor: Exactly. Well, If you want to go ahead and relax, I'm going to go stop you from falling.

    Patient: OK

    Doctor dissapears behind a curtain and makes various noises. Comes back out5 minutes later.

    Doctor: Well, I stopped you from falling.

    Patient: But I still remember falling. If your really stopped it, wouldn't I forget?

    Doctor: No, thats what they want you to believe. Thats crazy. Thats something Hollywood puts in movies. Anyway, how do you feel.

    Patient: My back still hurts.

    Doctor: Well, it will take about an hour for the changes to take place. The effects are delayed. Anyway, you'll be as good as new tomarrow.

    Patient: I thought you said I'd be better in an hour?

    Doctor: You'll start feeling it in an Hour, but the full effects take about a week. Anyway, that will be 180 dollars.

    Patient: What? I've only been here about 10 minutes. I thought it was 60 dollars an hour?

    Doctor: Yeah but you told me you fell at 11:30 am. You actually fell at about 2:30 pm. Thats three hours I had to wait.

    Patient: But you were only gone about 5 minutes.

    Doctor: Thats because I set the time machine for 5 minutes after I left when it was time for me to come back. Look, its complicated stuff that only people with understanding about time travel like me can understand. I could go on and on all day, but you wouldn't understand. Trust me, you're healed.

    Patient: Wow, your smart. Yeah, here is your money. I'm sure glad you know about time travel. Sorry you had to wait for so long for me to fall.

    BTW, in case you couldn't tell, I have nothing better to do than make up a fake conversation between a crazy doctor and stupid patient.

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  3. #2
    A Pleasure to Burn Joseph's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    The Avenue

    Re: Chiropracter uses time travel.

    Only in Ohio.

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    “Everything that happens before Death is what counts.”
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  4. #3
    Baseball card addict MrCinatit's Avatar
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    Feb 2005

    Re: Chiropracter uses time travel.

    I wonder if he can go back in time and prevent his license from being revoked?

  5. #4
    Maple SERP savafan's Avatar
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    Jun 2000
    Cincinnati, Ohio

    Re: Chiropracter uses time travel.

    Knowing what I do know about the mind's power to heal, and how some people can train themselves to use more of their brain than others...I might actually believe this.
    My dad got to enjoy 3 Reds World Championships by the time he was my age. So far, I've only gotten to enjoy one. Step it up Redlegs!

  6. #5
    SERP Emeritus paintmered's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2001

    Re: Chiropracter uses time travel.

    Quote Originally Posted by MrCinatit View Post
    I wonder if he can go back in time and prevent his license from being revoked?
    What if this wasn't a rhetorical question?

    All models are wrong. Some of them are useful.

  7. #6
    Member wally post's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2000
    New york state

    Re: Chiropracter uses time travel.

    I agree with Sava on this one. I have a totally messed up neck - every disc is either impinged or herniated. Sometimes, talking to the body works for me with pain control. OTOH, something tells me this guy is prob a flake.

  8. #7
    My clutch is broken RichRed's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Asheville, NC or thereabouts

    Re: Chiropracter uses time travel.

    "I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

    --Steven Wright

    Maybe that's what this guy did.
    "I can make all the stadiums rock."
    -Air Supply

  9. #8
    Harry Chiti Fan registerthis's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Washington, DC

    Re: Chiropracter uses time travel.

    Quote Originally Posted by MrCinatit View Post
    I wonder if he can go back in time and prevent his license from being revoked?
    We'll burn that bridge when we get to it.

  10. #9
    Lover of Trivialities Doc. Scott's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2000
    Worthington, OH

    Re: Chiropracter uses time travel.

    In Athens, no less. (I would have expected maybe Yellow Springs.) I'd love to see how much money this guy makes.

  11. #10
    Churlish Johnny Footstool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Olathe, KS

    Re: Chiropracter uses time travel.

    Chiropractic license? Isn't that an oxymoron, like "clean litter", "firm pillow", or "government intelligence"?
    "I prefer books and movies where the conflict isn't of the extreme cannibal apocalypse variety I guess." Redsfaithful

  12. #11
    For a Level Playing Field RedFanAlways1966's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2001
    Oakwood, OH

    Re: Chiropracter uses time travel.

    Quote Originally Posted by Doc. Scott View Post
    In Athens, no less. (I would have expected maybe Yellow Springs.)
    I don't know...

    * Maybe his office is located on Bong Hill?
    * Perhaps he works and resides on the North Green (the mental hospital)?
    * Maybe he is a distant relative of a Simms Cemetaryhanging tree victim... and has been given "the power" by his horse-thieving ancestor?
    * Maybe he ventured into the secret chained-off dorm room in Wilson Hall and got "the power"?
    * He might have stood at the center of the Athens County cemetary pentagram and received "the power" from the evils that reside down below?

    Lastly... maybe he is the one who slipped football coach Frank Solich the GHB drug (per Frank's lawyer) that made police believe he was guilty of a DUI?
    Small market fan... always hoping, but never expecting.

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