Author: Henderson, Rickey
Damn right it went up. You see what these fools be paying for Rickey-Lite? Rickey-Lite: half the calories, none of the Rickey. Get your head out your ass and take a look! Rickeyís right here! Right here! Rickey take your money just as quick as everyone else gettiní paid. You pay Juan Pierre fifty million to run around L.A. like a chump? Whatís up with that? So Juan Pierre got quoted by Jay-Z - Jay-Z donít wanna mention Rickey in one of his raps. You know Jay-Zís big old fake retirement and comeback? Jay-Z got that idea from Rickey. Hey Jay-Z! 48 is the new 20! Rickey outshines Jay-Z just by him saying the name. Saying ďRickeyĒ is like shining one thousand spotlights on Rickey while Rickeyís wearing a diamond the size of home plate around his neck. Rickey donít need bling-bling - Rickey is bling-bling. Rickey is his own source of bling, and everyone knows it but that clown in L.A. paying for five years of Juan Pierre making like Willie Mays Hays in that movie about the Brewers. Rickey does push-ups before he swings the bat, not after. Truth.
And whatís this stuff in Chicago about Alfonso Soriano getting paid for eight years? Back when Rickey was Rickey (which is all the time), you never gave out eight year contracts. Rickey wants to play, but Rickey also wants to stay hungry. Thatís why Rickey likes the minor leagues. Rickey gets about 75 cents a day to eat. That ainít much, but Rickey get by, because Rickey is frugal. Rickey donít need no steak dinner like some Alfonso Soriano or Alex Rodriguez. Rickey donít care about that fancy stuff. Give Rickey a few pieces of Bazooka bubble gum, and some grape drink, and Rickeyís good to play two. Rickeyís like the Energizer Bunny, but with skills. Alfonso Sorianoís like that Juan Samuel, but with legs like that Nicole Ritchie thatís not eating. Girl, let Rickey buy you a sandwich! Let Rickey take you to a ballgame, so Rickey can show you how Alfonso Soriano drops balls in centerfield and strikeouts like a chump. Thatís what hundreds of millions of dollars gets you if you donít get Rickey - a chump.
And Frank Thomas? Frank Thomas is almost as old as Rickey! But Rickey, he doesnít get old - he ages. Frank Thomas, he gets old. You watch Frank Thomas hit a ball in the gaps, heíll get to first if heís lucky. Rickey hits a ball in the gaps, heís sliding into third before that ball even gets on the warning track. You know Cool Papa Bell? That story about making beds when the lights are out? Thatís almost as fast as Rickey is. Frank Thomas is fast like kidney stones. (And Rickey donít want to talk about no kidney stones. Rickey gets sensitive about kidney stones, you dig?) Frank Thomas hit a home run in September, and Rickey pretty damn sure heís still rounding second. You wanna pay thirty million for that? You give Rickey league minimum, heíll run the bases on his hands and beat Frank Thomas by about five years. Give or take. (Rickey always takes.)
Thatís why Rickeyís not playing nice anymore. Itís time for Rickey to get whatís his. Roger Clemens got his, and heís a redneck. That El Duque, heís old enough to be Rickeyís grandpa, and he got paid. That Julio Franco everyone likes - that should be Rickey! Rickey holds the bat the way you should, and can do a helluva lot more than just pinch hit and play first base. First base is for old men, fat dudes, and Carlos Guillen. Rickey ainít old, he sure ainít fat, and if Rickey was Carlos Guillen, then Carlos Guillen would be the greatest of all time. But thatís Rickey, not Carlos.
Folks donít know it yet, but they want Rickey. And Rickeyís right here, waiting for offers. You want to know why you should sign Rickey? Let me show you a book about Rickey called the Baseball Book of All-Time Records. You see whoís on the top of all those lists? Thatís right. But Rickey donít come cheap. You had your chance back when Rickey wanted to play more than get paid. Shoeís on another foot now. Itís on Rickeyís foot. And Rickeyís foot just slid into second base, right under your nose. You want to know how to stop Rickey? You want to know how to keep Rickey from hurting you the way Rickey does best? Two words: PAY. RICKEY.
Now, if youíll excuse Rickey, heís gotta get ready for some turkey and stuffing. And gravy with big ass badonkadonk lumps. Youíre ******* right. Rickey might get by on some gum, but that donít mean he ainít down with getting a belly full of good home cookiní. Get some for yourself! And save Rickey some sweet potatoes!